Why I Will Probably Go To My Grave Hating Christmas...
"I'm starting to think that the older I get, the more disenchanted I am by white people."
- Me
"No, my family just makes you uncomfortable."
- David
Okay, so here's the thing: Christmas and I have an ubber abusive relationship. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's awful and sometimes all of this happens on the same day... Within the same hour. Black eyes, hurt feelings... You name it. The works.
So what fucked me all up today? Well, I generally talk to the kids like they're in the military. Everyone knows it. I have to. Well, maybe not have to but it's how I talk. Before I start how fucked up all of this is, I need to point out that for some reason, David cannot understand that he may be my family but I am not a part of his. I'm just not. I'm okay with it but at the same time, I'm not comfortable breathing the same air as them for more than a few minutes if it can be avoided. It kinda feels as if I'm being put in a position where someone is pressing a pillow over my face and them suffocating me makes total sense. Now, as I've admitted on many an occasion, I don't do anything to make myself look good to others but if you have a problem with how I parent, you DO NOT call me out in front of the kids. But of course, the fact that I've been saying that for years goes unnoticed because... Storyline. Oh, and the fact that I did apologize if David felt like I was being rude even tho' I don't feel that way. I mean, dude, I've always talked that way to the kids. I've said many times I don't care if my kids hate my guts but they will respect me and respect themselves... So yeah, I'm confused as to why it was even a big deal when it's not something new.
My entry today should've been nothing more than an introduction to the idea of Hallowmas (Which was David's brain child... pretty nice concept actually) but... of course not. This day has to be about drama. I swear, something always happens on Christmas. I'm out here alone crying. On Christmas. Again.
I was like: "I even said I was uncomfortable." Because I did. I did say I was very uncomfortable. Right after I saw Frankie slip David's older brother something in an envelope. Did I ask what was in it? Nope. Instantly I wanted my kids outta there tho' cuz I am not cool with drug anything when kids are present. As I've said many times, I dunno if I am raising addicts but if that's the path they take, I wanna be able to say I did everything I could to teach them better. It's a huge fear of mine because most of David's family has/had the addict bug. (And we all know my family's fucked up history) Which everyone on the planet knows I am not okay with drugs and kids. And maybe I shoulda just asked cuz had it been say, weed or something, I probably wouldn't have had such a massive mood swing... or it could be the fact that it was coupled with me not being a people person. I don't like feeling crowded in. I don't like people at all but it's worse when I'm around people who literally make my skin crawl.
Speaking of skin crawling... Then I was literally face to face with five people that my body does not wanna be near. One of those people being James Squared's ex, Rachel and David's nephew Cody. She was literally 1ft away from me. Like, 🍨 <--- This was me, looking like a tall, amazonian milkshake and 🍤 <--- that shrimp was her. (I had to scrape up a way to put a comedic spin on it cuz best believe as it was going down, there was not a chuckle in sight.) So yeah, the longer all this went on, the more my brain was just in fight or flight mode. At least I chose flight.
Of course, David gets mad at me and I'm like: "What did I do?" He was like I made his mom cry and all this shit and all that did was made me madder because his mom is gah awful and I'll never forget it and on top of that, I wasn't talking to her. I was talking to Zyi and Mo so... ??? When his mom is ugly and acting a fool with me it's: "My mom's a bitch. She knows that. That's just how she is." And blah blah blah. I wasn't even acting a fool but he said I handled it rudely so I said from now on, leave me home cuz I've been watering myself down for years and now I'm sick of it. I'm tired of my life being based of other people's security... Not once did he say "I know you're uncomfortable and yet, every year you put up with things and people who you're allergic to for me but I think you could've handled it better." No mention of how I always put myself last in these situations.
So I'm done.
Later
- Me
"No, my family just makes you uncomfortable."
- David
Okay, so here's the thing: Christmas and I have an ubber abusive relationship. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's awful and sometimes all of this happens on the same day... Within the same hour. Black eyes, hurt feelings... You name it. The works.
So what fucked me all up today? Well, I generally talk to the kids like they're in the military. Everyone knows it. I have to. Well, maybe not have to but it's how I talk. Before I start how fucked up all of this is, I need to point out that for some reason, David cannot understand that he may be my family but I am not a part of his. I'm just not. I'm okay with it but at the same time, I'm not comfortable breathing the same air as them for more than a few minutes if it can be avoided. It kinda feels as if I'm being put in a position where someone is pressing a pillow over my face and them suffocating me makes total sense. Now, as I've admitted on many an occasion, I don't do anything to make myself look good to others but if you have a problem with how I parent, you DO NOT call me out in front of the kids. But of course, the fact that I've been saying that for years goes unnoticed because... Storyline. Oh, and the fact that I did apologize if David felt like I was being rude even tho' I don't feel that way. I mean, dude, I've always talked that way to the kids. I've said many times I don't care if my kids hate my guts but they will respect me and respect themselves... So yeah, I'm confused as to why it was even a big deal when it's not something new.
My entry today should've been nothing more than an introduction to the idea of Hallowmas (Which was David's brain child... pretty nice concept actually) but... of course not. This day has to be about drama. I swear, something always happens on Christmas. I'm out here alone crying. On Christmas. Again.
I was like: "I even said I was uncomfortable." Because I did. I did say I was very uncomfortable. Right after I saw Frankie slip David's older brother something in an envelope. Did I ask what was in it? Nope. Instantly I wanted my kids outta there tho' cuz I am not cool with drug anything when kids are present. As I've said many times, I dunno if I am raising addicts but if that's the path they take, I wanna be able to say I did everything I could to teach them better. It's a huge fear of mine because most of David's family has/had the addict bug. (And we all know my family's fucked up history) Which everyone on the planet knows I am not okay with drugs and kids. And maybe I shoulda just asked cuz had it been say, weed or something, I probably wouldn't have had such a massive mood swing... or it could be the fact that it was coupled with me not being a people person. I don't like feeling crowded in. I don't like people at all but it's worse when I'm around people who literally make my skin crawl.
Speaking of skin crawling... Then I was literally face to face with five people that my body does not wanna be near. One of those people being James Squared's ex, Rachel and David's nephew Cody. She was literally 1ft away from me. Like, 🍨 <--- This was me, looking like a tall, amazonian milkshake and 🍤 <--- that shrimp was her. (I had to scrape up a way to put a comedic spin on it cuz best believe as it was going down, there was not a chuckle in sight.) So yeah, the longer all this went on, the more my brain was just in fight or flight mode. At least I chose flight.
Of course, David gets mad at me and I'm like: "What did I do?" He was like I made his mom cry and all this shit and all that did was made me madder because his mom is gah awful and I'll never forget it and on top of that, I wasn't talking to her. I was talking to Zyi and Mo so... ??? When his mom is ugly and acting a fool with me it's: "My mom's a bitch. She knows that. That's just how she is." And blah blah blah. I wasn't even acting a fool but he said I handled it rudely so I said from now on, leave me home cuz I've been watering myself down for years and now I'm sick of it. I'm tired of my life being based of other people's security... Not once did he say "I know you're uncomfortable and yet, every year you put up with things and people who you're allergic to for me but I think you could've handled it better." No mention of how I always put myself last in these situations.
So I'm done.
Later