Self Analyzation: Conversation Edition...
“You’re overthinking it.”
- James
Been thinking today. Imma wreck. Like, 100% not kidding. Do I wanna be a wreck? No. Am I happy with my state of mind? No. Am I gonna fix it? Um... N... o... Y... e... s? Shows my commitment. *sighs* I've done a lot of talking about my mental state lately. I'm not quite a fan of what I've learned about myself in the last few days. What have I learned? Pull up a chair. Have a seat. This might take awhile.
So, last night I held a 4hr 30min conversation with James. Why was I up knowing full well I had to be up for work? Cuz Imma dumbass. Come at me, bro. We talked about a lot of stuff but I’m only gonna talk about the part that stick out to me the most. Like, it sticks out so bad, it’s like a poltergeist that followed me around all day… Poking at the darkest corners of my mind, just begging for my immediate attention. (SA says it’s because in our neck of the woods, hiding is an artform. We shove thoughts into corners. We shove thoughts into dusty, rickety boxes… Some of those never to be opened again. We shove thoughts into fiery pits so that we can pretend like that never happen. We deny who we are because of who we’ve become. It’s become all about the mask)
James and I know each other without knowing each other. Last night, on his own, he pointed out that whenever I talk about my life, I feel the need to say I’m not an angel. Almost as if I have to. Apparently, I do it a lot. I didn’t realize I do it that much. *sighs* He was like: “Correct me if I’m wrong but, from what I’ve read (Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome James to the Livejournal… He has the link. Why? Sometimes I like for people to analyze me. Eh, whatcha gonna do? I told him not to come here anymore but he said nope. Too late) and listening to you, it sounds as if you did all the shit you did so that you could hide behind you not being any better. Then you would have an excuse not to leave.” Mind blown. Why was my mind blown? Because only one other person has ever called me on my shit and that’s Aunt Carroll. I hated James for a full five seconds after he said that because even tho’ he was right, I didn’t like hearing it. It’s scary seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. Especially when their eyes can see straight through you. It’s scary. Normally, I would try to move past it but it keeps playing in my head like a tape recorder with the repeat button stuck. It keeps playing on a reel. Over and over and over. Cuz I always make excuses… I do. I can’t even say I don’t. I wish I could but I’m working hard on not hiding from my truth anymore. I mean, if you think about it, I never could because of this place. The majority of my exploits have been catalogued here in great detail. It’s hard to hide when you’re a detail orientated nutjob.
I thought about something at work today… The day I moved out. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before. If I have, you’re about to hear it again: When I moved out at 19, I wasn’t ready. I believe I mentioned why I did but I don’t think I mentioned that my Aunt Carroll told me I wasn’t part of the family anymore and I bawled my eyeballs out for a full 3days after. She was mad because I left while she was at work. I couldn’t bring myself to do it while she was home because I would be forced to say why I was leaving and I didn’t want to. I wasn’t there yet. So I just left. I still have never told her the full story and there’s a pretty solid chance I never will. Why did I bring this up? I’m scared I’m in that frame of mind again. Like, I could just pack up and bolt. I know I can’t but I feel like I could. Like there’s a life out there that I’m telling myself I don’t deserve.
What the fuck? Too much brain shit today.
*sighs* Gotta go be a parent now.
Later
- James
Been thinking today. Imma wreck. Like, 100% not kidding. Do I wanna be a wreck? No. Am I happy with my state of mind? No. Am I gonna fix it? Um... N... o... Y... e... s? Shows my commitment. *sighs* I've done a lot of talking about my mental state lately. I'm not quite a fan of what I've learned about myself in the last few days. What have I learned? Pull up a chair. Have a seat. This might take awhile.
So, last night I held a 4hr 30min conversation with James. Why was I up knowing full well I had to be up for work? Cuz Imma dumbass. Come at me, bro. We talked about a lot of stuff but I’m only gonna talk about the part that stick out to me the most. Like, it sticks out so bad, it’s like a poltergeist that followed me around all day… Poking at the darkest corners of my mind, just begging for my immediate attention. (SA says it’s because in our neck of the woods, hiding is an artform. We shove thoughts into corners. We shove thoughts into dusty, rickety boxes… Some of those never to be opened again. We shove thoughts into fiery pits so that we can pretend like that never happen. We deny who we are because of who we’ve become. It’s become all about the mask)
James and I know each other without knowing each other. Last night, on his own, he pointed out that whenever I talk about my life, I feel the need to say I’m not an angel. Almost as if I have to. Apparently, I do it a lot. I didn’t realize I do it that much. *sighs* He was like: “Correct me if I’m wrong but, from what I’ve read (Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome James to the Livejournal… He has the link. Why? Sometimes I like for people to analyze me. Eh, whatcha gonna do? I told him not to come here anymore but he said nope. Too late) and listening to you, it sounds as if you did all the shit you did so that you could hide behind you not being any better. Then you would have an excuse not to leave.” Mind blown. Why was my mind blown? Because only one other person has ever called me on my shit and that’s Aunt Carroll. I hated James for a full five seconds after he said that because even tho’ he was right, I didn’t like hearing it. It’s scary seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. Especially when their eyes can see straight through you. It’s scary. Normally, I would try to move past it but it keeps playing in my head like a tape recorder with the repeat button stuck. It keeps playing on a reel. Over and over and over. Cuz I always make excuses… I do. I can’t even say I don’t. I wish I could but I’m working hard on not hiding from my truth anymore. I mean, if you think about it, I never could because of this place. The majority of my exploits have been catalogued here in great detail. It’s hard to hide when you’re a detail orientated nutjob.
I thought about something at work today… The day I moved out. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before. If I have, you’re about to hear it again: When I moved out at 19, I wasn’t ready. I believe I mentioned why I did but I don’t think I mentioned that my Aunt Carroll told me I wasn’t part of the family anymore and I bawled my eyeballs out for a full 3days after. She was mad because I left while she was at work. I couldn’t bring myself to do it while she was home because I would be forced to say why I was leaving and I didn’t want to. I wasn’t there yet. So I just left. I still have never told her the full story and there’s a pretty solid chance I never will. Why did I bring this up? I’m scared I’m in that frame of mind again. Like, I could just pack up and bolt. I know I can’t but I feel like I could. Like there’s a life out there that I’m telling myself I don’t deserve.
What the fuck? Too much brain shit today.
*sighs* Gotta go be a parent now.
Later