Sum Young Ho...
"I feel like I've paid my dues. This is not the 1st time you've heard me say that."
- Me
Ya know, it's kinda weird when someone calls me controlling. I mean, I know I'm a bit of a control freak, but everything I've ever done has been for someone else. Do you realize how different my life would be if I just let go of my breath?
Where is this coming from? David called me controlling. Now, why does this bother me when I call myself a control freak all the time? Funny you should ask. Pull up a chair. Sit down. Stay awhile. This could take a moment.
Thing is... I've been running the house like a military camp since David got clean. (Or cleanish... Depends on how you look at it) Now, I understand for most, that's quite a bit to live up to but, I dunno what else to do. I try. That's all I can do. I've all but given up my happiness for this family. I make all the sacrifices. I'm miserable. Not all the time. I can't say I am all the time because that would be a lie and I've gotten so much better about not lying to myself. So no... I'm not miserable all the time. I just feel like a relationship should be 2-sided. I mean, if one person is making all the sacrifices and the other one is benefiting to the other's expense, what's the point? And if I'm so controlling, why be with me? Isn't it a waste of time to allow someone to chip at the fragile edges of your sanity all day everyday? Personally, I feel like David would be happier with someone who didn't care about him. He needs a nice, sparkling cup of Sum Young Ho. She's fun! She's exciting! She's willing to let you do what you wanna do because she's doing it too! I just don't see how someone like me fits into the mix. I mean, I overkill on give a damn. *looks around* What? Don't like at me like that. You know it. I know it. It's not as if I'm purposely doing it. I don't know how to push my loved one's personal dilemmas to the side. Whoo, how different my life would be if I focused on myself and myself alone. Zech says that seeing as how I've gone through as much as I have, now is as good a time as any to put myself 1st. No, before you ask, I do not run to Zech about relationship stuff. I used to do that but I learned that when you do, you're inviting people to weigh in on your relationship. So now I kinda dump my whining here. It works for the most part because there aren't that many people who know it exists and the day they do, hopefully people will see themselves like I do: Unashamed. (Or they'll be freakishly horrified and never speak to me ever again... which I could probably live with) I mean, maybe one day I'll learn to treat myself like I treat others but until that day, I've never been anyone's cup of Sum Young Ho. I care. I wanna see everyone I care about happy. I'm not ashamed of that fact.
You know what I'm really worried about? What's David gonna do when he realizes he is an alcoholic? That's why he called me controlling. Because I didn't want him to go get more beer. Do you know how far you hafta fall before you argue about alcohol?! Alcoholism isn't like any other addiction. It creeps up on you ubber slowly and then it grabs hold of you and doesn't wanna let go. David knows this and yet, he doesn't try to avoid it happening. He doesn't fight for himself. I told him the only reason why he hasn't taken that final leap is because of me. If I stopped fighting with him, he would be a drunk. Ya know, when I used to go to a shrink, one thing she said that I've never forgotten is you can't keep someone from failing. You can be there as much as you can and if someone wants to fail, they just will. You can't stop a train wreck.
You can, however, observe the carnage.
*sighs* She didn't say that last part. I put my own spin on it. It's true, ya know?
Later
- Me
Ya know, it's kinda weird when someone calls me controlling. I mean, I know I'm a bit of a control freak, but everything I've ever done has been for someone else. Do you realize how different my life would be if I just let go of my breath?
Where is this coming from? David called me controlling. Now, why does this bother me when I call myself a control freak all the time? Funny you should ask. Pull up a chair. Sit down. Stay awhile. This could take a moment.
Thing is... I've been running the house like a military camp since David got clean. (Or cleanish... Depends on how you look at it) Now, I understand for most, that's quite a bit to live up to but, I dunno what else to do. I try. That's all I can do. I've all but given up my happiness for this family. I make all the sacrifices. I'm miserable. Not all the time. I can't say I am all the time because that would be a lie and I've gotten so much better about not lying to myself. So no... I'm not miserable all the time. I just feel like a relationship should be 2-sided. I mean, if one person is making all the sacrifices and the other one is benefiting to the other's expense, what's the point? And if I'm so controlling, why be with me? Isn't it a waste of time to allow someone to chip at the fragile edges of your sanity all day everyday? Personally, I feel like David would be happier with someone who didn't care about him. He needs a nice, sparkling cup of Sum Young Ho. She's fun! She's exciting! She's willing to let you do what you wanna do because she's doing it too! I just don't see how someone like me fits into the mix. I mean, I overkill on give a damn. *looks around* What? Don't like at me like that. You know it. I know it. It's not as if I'm purposely doing it. I don't know how to push my loved one's personal dilemmas to the side. Whoo, how different my life would be if I focused on myself and myself alone. Zech says that seeing as how I've gone through as much as I have, now is as good a time as any to put myself 1st. No, before you ask, I do not run to Zech about relationship stuff. I used to do that but I learned that when you do, you're inviting people to weigh in on your relationship. So now I kinda dump my whining here. It works for the most part because there aren't that many people who know it exists and the day they do, hopefully people will see themselves like I do: Unashamed. (Or they'll be freakishly horrified and never speak to me ever again... which I could probably live with) I mean, maybe one day I'll learn to treat myself like I treat others but until that day, I've never been anyone's cup of Sum Young Ho. I care. I wanna see everyone I care about happy. I'm not ashamed of that fact.
You know what I'm really worried about? What's David gonna do when he realizes he is an alcoholic? That's why he called me controlling. Because I didn't want him to go get more beer. Do you know how far you hafta fall before you argue about alcohol?! Alcoholism isn't like any other addiction. It creeps up on you ubber slowly and then it grabs hold of you and doesn't wanna let go. David knows this and yet, he doesn't try to avoid it happening. He doesn't fight for himself. I told him the only reason why he hasn't taken that final leap is because of me. If I stopped fighting with him, he would be a drunk. Ya know, when I used to go to a shrink, one thing she said that I've never forgotten is you can't keep someone from failing. You can be there as much as you can and if someone wants to fail, they just will. You can't stop a train wreck.
You can, however, observe the carnage.
*sighs* She didn't say that last part. I put my own spin on it. It's true, ya know?
Later