untitled
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVtEPqwAGA0
what do you do when everything has changed, when everything is broken down and there is nothing but your blind optimistic hope and hurtful pessimism fighting with one another? I haven't felt this way in a long time. Everything felt certian and sure, I just went through everything with not a care in the world and now it feels like everything that I have built up to say is who I am is crashing down into some harsh reality. I thought I had changed and grown up since the last time. Maybe I did a little bit but not enough. Last time I tried to figure out what the point of my existance was. Everything said that there is no point. You move through life however easy or hard you want and then you die. Your conciousness fades to black and there is nothingness. No one will remember you unless you do something extremely good or bad. I don't hold belief in a higher power. I don't think people are either good or bad, they're always in between. They agree on one thing and disagree on another just to hold appearances. Last time I don't know how I really got out of that hole I was digging and ready to lay in for the rest of my life. I guess I willed myself to be positive, this is life so you have to make the most of it before its all gone. Before you hold so many regrets as you slowly become lifeless and cold. At the same time I think I'm willing myself to disappear and fade out. People do the most amazing things on will power alone. I guess that's how some people are able to make it through horrible sicknesses and how a healthy person can suddenly die for no reason. I'm at that point again where I'm reevaluating life. What it means. Where I want to go. How I got here. I'm always pushing people away. I only talk a little about myself if at all. When it comes to meeting new people I get anxiety attacks. I want to pretend I'm not shy and closed off as much as I was growing up but I still am. I made efforts to be overly flashy and get attention where ever I went after high school. I felt like I could restart at that point. Everything in the past was just the past and it was time to become my own person. There was no one there to point out my faults or bring up previous actions. I could do whatever I wanted and at the time I just wanted to become someone else. If there was anything I would change about my life prior to college, I would say that I should have become focused sooner. I haven't taken anything seriously in the past and thought there were no real consequences for my actions. I nearly didn't graduate high school because I didn't care about anything. I only started caring the moment second semester came and the guidence counselors sat with us and asked where we were going after high school. I'd been in and out of honors classes, I was obviously smart enough and I could have applied myself at any time but i didn't. Everyone else that had been in those classes already had plans by their Junior year, I was still playing stupid games and didn't think about life after that until it was asked in the final months of public school. Now I'm at the same place again, graduation is coming up and this time I have ideas on where I want to go. I wasn't forced to do anything this time, like when I left high school and my father dragged me to register at the college here. I'm doing things on my own, that's a change. I don't know I guess I felt like shit at the start of this entry and now i'm trying to make myself feel better, that things have changed and I shouldn't beat myself up about it. But it doesn't change facts. Its all the same in one way or another. I think I'm willing myself to get sick. I didn't feel sick before and there were no outside influences that caused it. I'm trying to build back walls and tear them down at the same time its conflicting with who I think I am and who I am. I'm a cold hearted calculating bitch. There's nothing different no matter how much I say there is. I'm bitter. When my friend moved and talked to me on MSN two months later informing me that she had fallen in love and was engaged I didn't support her or congradulate her. I said she was stupid and it was going to fail. I haven't heard from her since. It's probably better that I push people away, I've got very little if any redeeming qualities. Everyone else will say, "no you do! you are (insert whatever here)" I wonder if the things people see are the things I am. I suppose they must be to some point. You can't keep pretending forever so whatever sticks must be part of who I am, at the moment anyway. I wonder if people continue to transform into different people all the way until death. It makes sense, you either care about what the person you are does to others or you don't.
what do you do when everything has changed, when everything is broken down and there is nothing but your blind optimistic hope and hurtful pessimism fighting with one another? I haven't felt this way in a long time. Everything felt certian and sure, I just went through everything with not a care in the world and now it feels like everything that I have built up to say is who I am is crashing down into some harsh reality. I thought I had changed and grown up since the last time. Maybe I did a little bit but not enough. Last time I tried to figure out what the point of my existance was. Everything said that there is no point. You move through life however easy or hard you want and then you die. Your conciousness fades to black and there is nothingness. No one will remember you unless you do something extremely good or bad. I don't hold belief in a higher power. I don't think people are either good or bad, they're always in between. They agree on one thing and disagree on another just to hold appearances. Last time I don't know how I really got out of that hole I was digging and ready to lay in for the rest of my life. I guess I willed myself to be positive, this is life so you have to make the most of it before its all gone. Before you hold so many regrets as you slowly become lifeless and cold. At the same time I think I'm willing myself to disappear and fade out. People do the most amazing things on will power alone. I guess that's how some people are able to make it through horrible sicknesses and how a healthy person can suddenly die for no reason. I'm at that point again where I'm reevaluating life. What it means. Where I want to go. How I got here. I'm always pushing people away. I only talk a little about myself if at all. When it comes to meeting new people I get anxiety attacks. I want to pretend I'm not shy and closed off as much as I was growing up but I still am. I made efforts to be overly flashy and get attention where ever I went after high school. I felt like I could restart at that point. Everything in the past was just the past and it was time to become my own person. There was no one there to point out my faults or bring up previous actions. I could do whatever I wanted and at the time I just wanted to become someone else. If there was anything I would change about my life prior to college, I would say that I should have become focused sooner. I haven't taken anything seriously in the past and thought there were no real consequences for my actions. I nearly didn't graduate high school because I didn't care about anything. I only started caring the moment second semester came and the guidence counselors sat with us and asked where we were going after high school. I'd been in and out of honors classes, I was obviously smart enough and I could have applied myself at any time but i didn't. Everyone else that had been in those classes already had plans by their Junior year, I was still playing stupid games and didn't think about life after that until it was asked in the final months of public school. Now I'm at the same place again, graduation is coming up and this time I have ideas on where I want to go. I wasn't forced to do anything this time, like when I left high school and my father dragged me to register at the college here. I'm doing things on my own, that's a change. I don't know I guess I felt like shit at the start of this entry and now i'm trying to make myself feel better, that things have changed and I shouldn't beat myself up about it. But it doesn't change facts. Its all the same in one way or another. I think I'm willing myself to get sick. I didn't feel sick before and there were no outside influences that caused it. I'm trying to build back walls and tear them down at the same time its conflicting with who I think I am and who I am. I'm a cold hearted calculating bitch. There's nothing different no matter how much I say there is. I'm bitter. When my friend moved and talked to me on MSN two months later informing me that she had fallen in love and was engaged I didn't support her or congradulate her. I said she was stupid and it was going to fail. I haven't heard from her since. It's probably better that I push people away, I've got very little if any redeeming qualities. Everyone else will say, "no you do! you are (insert whatever here)" I wonder if the things people see are the things I am. I suppose they must be to some point. You can't keep pretending forever so whatever sticks must be part of who I am, at the moment anyway. I wonder if people continue to transform into different people all the way until death. It makes sense, you either care about what the person you are does to others or you don't.