(no subject)
Now I'm not really one for posting in this journal as a lot of people might see, but last night just warranted mention.
Most nights are pretty typical, a long night of frequent awakenings through the fussiness of an infant son who just won't stay asleep through the night because he is a great big tuna. This is nothing new, I have been living with this for 6 months now and have adjusted. Last night was different though, because despite that he kept waking me up, I managed to fall asleep again around 3 and had an awful, yet beautiful dream.
It was set in an airport and it was just my wife and I. There were other people milling about, airport people and travellers and stuff, but they were all extras. There was (for inexplicable reasons) a couch, and also a bed. The bad part of this dream was the underlying knowledge through the entirety of it that she was leaving. She had to go, back to England or somewhere else, where and why I don't know and it didn't matter, just that she had to go.
The dream was long. Impossibly long. Hours long. Three hours or more by the feel of it, and yet it was no more than 20 minutes tops. And through the whole thing we were trying to stave off that moment when we had to part ways. It felt final, like this was the goodbye that neither of us wanted. Like when she got on that plane I would not see her again for some reason. And so we cuddled on the couch, and made small talk, and enjoyed each other's company as best we could.
As dreams go, I got called away or had to use the bathroom or whatever, and left her side for no more than a minute. As dreams go, her flight got called when I left. As dreams go, I missed her leaving and found a note when I got back to where we were. A flurry of images flew through my dream at that moment, precise memories of a John I have never been with a Nikki I have never known, and gone in an instant, with her. Disappeared. My dream-self broke down, and then it got dark and I was suspended in some sort of sub-space with Nikki and the aforementioned bed.
We laid down on the bed and held each other and I apologized for missing her leaving. I was hushed and ensured it would be alright, and I told her how deeply I loved her. I couldn't stop saying it, and I couldn't stop feeling it. It was just a rush, a torrent of emotion that could not be stopped or slowed or explained. The words stopped after a while and I just held her, tightly as I ever could, until I woke.
When I woke up I was crying. It was the sharpest pain, the deepest heartache I have felt in such a long time. Nikki was gone. I wouldn't see her again and there was so much left to say. I rolled over, and there she was, and I just broke. I had to shake her awake and tell her I had a bad dream, and our little one was between us ni the bed ad his big eyeso pened up and looked at me too. It was just touching. Eventually I had to put him back in his crib so I could hold Nikki just like I did in the dream. But this time she didn't disappear.
I really hope she never does.