011. || fic: wanna smell like roses, not a baseball team
Title: Wanna Smell Like Roses, Not a Baseball Team
Rating: PG-13/maybe light R? (Language, sexual references, bodily humor, team being rude and lewd to each other)
Characters/Pairings: Ariadne, Cobb, Yusuf, Arthur, Eames (He's a girl for a very short time), Saito
Summary: Based on this prompt for inception_kink - 5 times Ariadne had her period and needed one of the guys to buy her tampons
Disclaimer: Christopher Nolan owns Inception, darlings.
Notes: Just nonsensical, wacky cracky. Like last time. I love writing team crack that’s totally out there.
Word Count: 1758
JULY
The bad habit started here.
Ariadne undoubtedly had brains, but the fast-paced work environment could take her mind elsewhere, and she'd forget about it. Stupid, stupid, she spouted out in her head. How hard was it to slip one in your bag or even in your damn pocket before you left?
She needed one now. It's the worst on the first day. Developing her maze would take her at least a few more hours before she could even leave her post. Pacing back and forth to grab materials, feeling dirty and panicking more as she became increasingly aware of that disturbing wetness beneath her, she was saved from the vibrating phone in her pocket. The caller ID listed the person she needed. She was too embarrassed to tell him, but she wasn't going to be further embarrassed by soiling herself. He HAD to understand. After all, he had a wife who seemingly PMSed all the time--or at least the projection of her did.
Ariadne took the call. Cobb said on the other line that he was getting a sandwich and asked if she wanted one.
"I'm not hungry," she mumbled. "But...there is something I really need you to get for me." Then quickly, it came right out.
"YOU NEED WHAT??!" Cobb screamed so loud into the phone that Ariadne momentarily took her ear off of the receiver.
"Well, if I already had my break and you're going to keep me here for a few more hours, you might as well get me something while you're out. I bet those sandwiches cost about $2 more than a box of measly tampons anyway!"
"Tampons--what?" Cobb hung his head down and rubbed his temple. "I just left the drugstore."
"Then go back," Ariadne replied.
Cobb cursed in his head about the possible embarrassment of having to face the same sales clerk with only feminine products to purchase. "Fine, turning back to make those six blocks back. I'm doing you a favor, Ariadne. You knew I had to make it back there by 3 so I wouldn't have to eat and talk to Saito on the phone at the same time."
"I'll make it up to you, I promise." She feels a twinge of guilt yet relief for Cobb getting out of his way for her.
Cobb barely makes his 3PM deadline back to the warehouse. He tosses a small plastic bag on the desk Ariadne is working on. She genuinely feels like a kid opening presents on Christmas morning--then she sees the yellow label reading "REGULAR" and it feels like a lump of coal.
She scolds Cobb, who tells Ariadne that he figured her small size didn't warrant wearing jumbo-sized tampons and that the TSS warning label says she shouldn't be wearing them anyway. Before she can complain some more, Cobb slams the door to his office to eat lunch and start his call with Saito.
"We are never to speak of this again," Cobb's voice is heard through the door.
Ariadne realized he was never good at dealing with lady problems in the first place anyway.
AUGUST
The pedestrian traffic during Mombassa's rush hour already made Ariadne late to work. She thought she had carried some this time, but running through the city most likely made them fall out of her pocket.
Evening arrives and she has to change the damn thing. But she can't go out to the marketplace alone and someone has to stay in and hold down the fort, and it was only her and Yusuf. Mombassa was full of thieves after all.
Ariadne nervously goes up to the chemist at his desk and politely asks him while she can stay in. Yusuf responds with a chuckle, and she thinks he's getting a kick out of this.
"This is a bit eccentric for me to admit, but..." Yusuf stood up and turned around to open a drawer. His mouth curled into a slight goofy smile as he laid down a sandwich bag filled with the funny-shaped cotton that Ariadne thought only women used. He opened the bag and let her pick some out of there.
"I was experimenting with some items in a first aid kit and found out that these absorb a lot of excess chemicals very well," he said. "Amongst other personal uses."
Ariadne raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me you get periods?"
Yusuf suddenly sniffled. Ariadne thought she saw a slight trace of blood trickling from a nostril. He quickly covered up and turned around. Ariadne saw him lower himself down before he turned around to face her again--with a tampon in his nostril.
"Nosebleeds," he pointed.
Ariadne's eyes widened and nodded her head once at him before she stammered her thanks and headed to the bathroom.
SEPTEMBER
Ariadne realized at lunch with Arthur that Eames still had her wallet (He was studying "female things" for their mission for next month--like he really needed to though, he just liked to snoop with his teammates' property). She insisted on getting her wallet back before they went to run errands at the drugstore, but he assured her that he could spot her if she needed anything.
Oh, and it just happened to be that fabulous time of month again. This time, she ran out because Yusuf used all of them for his nosebleeds while they were here in their temporary headquarters in San Francisco.
Ariadne grabbed two large-sized boxes and slipped them in the basket that Arthur was carrying. She heard some quiet laughter from him as he took one out and examined it.
"I would've expected those gummi bears you're always indulging in during breaks," he said. "But I suppose if you need these, it's better that you're here with me so these cashiers know I'm buying for a girl. I don't get nosebleeds."
"You know what, Arthur, I would think they could probably make good earplugs too," said Ariadne.
"Yeah, they'd be perfect for blocking out Cobb's outbursts."
"Or whenever Eames says anything."
Ariadne lets Arthur have two of the regular-sized ones when he asks for them.
OCTOBER
A level 1 dream, and they find themselves in a casino resort. They hated planning a strategy where they all had to separate and take control of their own station, but it had to happen. For Ariadne, getting her period during this dream made it difficult for her to focus. She was anxious having to stay in the nearby restaurant and pose as a waitress. But she knew who was stationed in the women's bathroom.
"Eames, I have a personal favor to ask you," she took to the kitchen to speak in the walkie-talkie.
"Ariadne, darling, Eames will serve you with great pleasure as Eames, but not when he's Allie, the beautiful club bathroom attendant. Unless you swing that way, of course," the forger said in his sultry female impersonation.
"Eames, seriously!" Ariadne said through clenched teeth. "I need you to..." And she tells him what she needs.
"Christ, child!" Eames still remained in American female form. "We do need to shove something up there because if it's your monthly, I know of one thing that I normally would shove--"
"SHUT UP AND JUST PUT A QUARTER IN THAT STUPID MACHINE!"
"Okay, bloody hell! I won't let you get consumed in your own bloody hell," Eames' natural manly British accent was slowly reappearing as he responded to Ariadne's demand. He slipped a quarter in and a boxed-up tampon came out without fail. But he felt startled by the sudden alarming male voice that came through the walkie-talkie.
"The mark has fled the building. The mark has fled the building! Team members need to leave posts and converge outside!" Arthur commanded.
Upon hearing Arthur, Eames came back to himself and Ariadne threw her apron off and rushed out. But she couldn't go outside after practically slamming into Eames. He rattled off some lewd comment about their bodies crashing into each other before she asked for the tampon. He took it out to hand to her but recoiled his arm and asked,
"Do you think I can make a cigar out of this?"
"It will just burn, you idiot!" Ariadne slapped the side of Eames' head before heading to the bathroom. "Go, I'll be there!"
NOVEMBER
"I bought Procter and Gamble," Saito announced as the other guys surrounded him in the hot tub. "It seemed neater."
"I would say that maybe you can help make Arthur be the new Old Spice guy, but he can't even wear a towel that gracefully," teased Eames.
"Well, maybe you can be the new spokesperson for whatever toothpaste they've got because we all know how badly you need it," retorted Arthur.
"No, you know who I think could benefit the most? Ariadne could really a lifetime supply of...whatever those things are called," said Cobb.
"Oh, yes please. The darling turned quite sour when she had me get one of those plugs during the Marlin job last month," Eames replied.
"And she almost made me miss my very important conference with Mr. Saito over the summer," added Cobb.
"Maybe if Yusuf stopped getting nosebleeds and both of you weren't such bickering Betties, we wouldn't have to keep using all of Ariadne's stuff," Arthur casually mentioned.
"I can't just STOP getting nosebleeds!" Yusuf scoffed.
"Excuse me, and Saito, will I be able to use a tampon as a cigar?" Eames asked the businessman.
Saito turned to eye Eames intensely. "You have reached a new level of stupidity, Mr. Eames."
Eames lowered his head beneath the hot water in shame.
"Anything for my cat?" Yusuf wondered out loud.
----------
It was midterm season and while the boys were enjoying time off in Los Angeles, Ariadne had to go back to school in Paris. One day, she received a giant delivery from Procter and Gamble--about 30 boxes of different kinds of Tampax tampons. And that was just the start--Saito attached a note saying the warehouse AND their main stays in LA and Mombassa were stocked with enough of them for her and Yusuf to share (And Arthur if he occasionally needed them, and Eames if he didn't learn from the responses and try to smoke them anyway). Saito also wrote in the note, "We all talked about your feminine needs, and we hope you never have to ask us again. No more excuses. ^_^" "(EXCEPT FOR SEX)" Ariadne recognized the addition of Eames' distinctly bad handwriting.
Ariadne never had to ask the boys for tampons again.
Rating: PG-13/maybe light R? (Language, sexual references, bodily humor, team being rude and lewd to each other)
Characters/Pairings: Ariadne, Cobb, Yusuf, Arthur, Eames (He's a girl for a very short time), Saito
Summary: Based on this prompt for inception_kink - 5 times Ariadne had her period and needed one of the guys to buy her tampons
Disclaimer: Christopher Nolan owns Inception, darlings.
Notes: Just nonsensical, wacky cracky. Like last time. I love writing team crack that’s totally out there.
Word Count: 1758
JULY
The bad habit started here.
Ariadne undoubtedly had brains, but the fast-paced work environment could take her mind elsewhere, and she'd forget about it. Stupid, stupid, she spouted out in her head. How hard was it to slip one in your bag or even in your damn pocket before you left?
She needed one now. It's the worst on the first day. Developing her maze would take her at least a few more hours before she could even leave her post. Pacing back and forth to grab materials, feeling dirty and panicking more as she became increasingly aware of that disturbing wetness beneath her, she was saved from the vibrating phone in her pocket. The caller ID listed the person she needed. She was too embarrassed to tell him, but she wasn't going to be further embarrassed by soiling herself. He HAD to understand. After all, he had a wife who seemingly PMSed all the time--or at least the projection of her did.
Ariadne took the call. Cobb said on the other line that he was getting a sandwich and asked if she wanted one.
"I'm not hungry," she mumbled. "But...there is something I really need you to get for me." Then quickly, it came right out.
"YOU NEED WHAT??!" Cobb screamed so loud into the phone that Ariadne momentarily took her ear off of the receiver.
"Well, if I already had my break and you're going to keep me here for a few more hours, you might as well get me something while you're out. I bet those sandwiches cost about $2 more than a box of measly tampons anyway!"
"Tampons--what?" Cobb hung his head down and rubbed his temple. "I just left the drugstore."
"Then go back," Ariadne replied.
Cobb cursed in his head about the possible embarrassment of having to face the same sales clerk with only feminine products to purchase. "Fine, turning back to make those six blocks back. I'm doing you a favor, Ariadne. You knew I had to make it back there by 3 so I wouldn't have to eat and talk to Saito on the phone at the same time."
"I'll make it up to you, I promise." She feels a twinge of guilt yet relief for Cobb getting out of his way for her.
Cobb barely makes his 3PM deadline back to the warehouse. He tosses a small plastic bag on the desk Ariadne is working on. She genuinely feels like a kid opening presents on Christmas morning--then she sees the yellow label reading "REGULAR" and it feels like a lump of coal.
She scolds Cobb, who tells Ariadne that he figured her small size didn't warrant wearing jumbo-sized tampons and that the TSS warning label says she shouldn't be wearing them anyway. Before she can complain some more, Cobb slams the door to his office to eat lunch and start his call with Saito.
"We are never to speak of this again," Cobb's voice is heard through the door.
Ariadne realized he was never good at dealing with lady problems in the first place anyway.
AUGUST
The pedestrian traffic during Mombassa's rush hour already made Ariadne late to work. She thought she had carried some this time, but running through the city most likely made them fall out of her pocket.
Evening arrives and she has to change the damn thing. But she can't go out to the marketplace alone and someone has to stay in and hold down the fort, and it was only her and Yusuf. Mombassa was full of thieves after all.
Ariadne nervously goes up to the chemist at his desk and politely asks him while she can stay in. Yusuf responds with a chuckle, and she thinks he's getting a kick out of this.
"This is a bit eccentric for me to admit, but..." Yusuf stood up and turned around to open a drawer. His mouth curled into a slight goofy smile as he laid down a sandwich bag filled with the funny-shaped cotton that Ariadne thought only women used. He opened the bag and let her pick some out of there.
"I was experimenting with some items in a first aid kit and found out that these absorb a lot of excess chemicals very well," he said. "Amongst other personal uses."
Ariadne raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me you get periods?"
Yusuf suddenly sniffled. Ariadne thought she saw a slight trace of blood trickling from a nostril. He quickly covered up and turned around. Ariadne saw him lower himself down before he turned around to face her again--with a tampon in his nostril.
"Nosebleeds," he pointed.
Ariadne's eyes widened and nodded her head once at him before she stammered her thanks and headed to the bathroom.
SEPTEMBER
Ariadne realized at lunch with Arthur that Eames still had her wallet (He was studying "female things" for their mission for next month--like he really needed to though, he just liked to snoop with his teammates' property). She insisted on getting her wallet back before they went to run errands at the drugstore, but he assured her that he could spot her if she needed anything.
Oh, and it just happened to be that fabulous time of month again. This time, she ran out because Yusuf used all of them for his nosebleeds while they were here in their temporary headquarters in San Francisco.
Ariadne grabbed two large-sized boxes and slipped them in the basket that Arthur was carrying. She heard some quiet laughter from him as he took one out and examined it.
"I would've expected those gummi bears you're always indulging in during breaks," he said. "But I suppose if you need these, it's better that you're here with me so these cashiers know I'm buying for a girl. I don't get nosebleeds."
"You know what, Arthur, I would think they could probably make good earplugs too," said Ariadne.
"Yeah, they'd be perfect for blocking out Cobb's outbursts."
"Or whenever Eames says anything."
Ariadne lets Arthur have two of the regular-sized ones when he asks for them.
OCTOBER
A level 1 dream, and they find themselves in a casino resort. They hated planning a strategy where they all had to separate and take control of their own station, but it had to happen. For Ariadne, getting her period during this dream made it difficult for her to focus. She was anxious having to stay in the nearby restaurant and pose as a waitress. But she knew who was stationed in the women's bathroom.
"Eames, I have a personal favor to ask you," she took to the kitchen to speak in the walkie-talkie.
"Ariadne, darling, Eames will serve you with great pleasure as Eames, but not when he's Allie, the beautiful club bathroom attendant. Unless you swing that way, of course," the forger said in his sultry female impersonation.
"Eames, seriously!" Ariadne said through clenched teeth. "I need you to..." And she tells him what she needs.
"Christ, child!" Eames still remained in American female form. "We do need to shove something up there because if it's your monthly, I know of one thing that I normally would shove--"
"SHUT UP AND JUST PUT A QUARTER IN THAT STUPID MACHINE!"
"Okay, bloody hell! I won't let you get consumed in your own bloody hell," Eames' natural manly British accent was slowly reappearing as he responded to Ariadne's demand. He slipped a quarter in and a boxed-up tampon came out without fail. But he felt startled by the sudden alarming male voice that came through the walkie-talkie.
"The mark has fled the building. The mark has fled the building! Team members need to leave posts and converge outside!" Arthur commanded.
Upon hearing Arthur, Eames came back to himself and Ariadne threw her apron off and rushed out. But she couldn't go outside after practically slamming into Eames. He rattled off some lewd comment about their bodies crashing into each other before she asked for the tampon. He took it out to hand to her but recoiled his arm and asked,
"Do you think I can make a cigar out of this?"
"It will just burn, you idiot!" Ariadne slapped the side of Eames' head before heading to the bathroom. "Go, I'll be there!"
NOVEMBER
"I bought Procter and Gamble," Saito announced as the other guys surrounded him in the hot tub. "It seemed neater."
"I would say that maybe you can help make Arthur be the new Old Spice guy, but he can't even wear a towel that gracefully," teased Eames.
"Well, maybe you can be the new spokesperson for whatever toothpaste they've got because we all know how badly you need it," retorted Arthur.
"No, you know who I think could benefit the most? Ariadne could really a lifetime supply of...whatever those things are called," said Cobb.
"Oh, yes please. The darling turned quite sour when she had me get one of those plugs during the Marlin job last month," Eames replied.
"And she almost made me miss my very important conference with Mr. Saito over the summer," added Cobb.
"Maybe if Yusuf stopped getting nosebleeds and both of you weren't such bickering Betties, we wouldn't have to keep using all of Ariadne's stuff," Arthur casually mentioned.
"I can't just STOP getting nosebleeds!" Yusuf scoffed.
"Excuse me, and Saito, will I be able to use a tampon as a cigar?" Eames asked the businessman.
Saito turned to eye Eames intensely. "You have reached a new level of stupidity, Mr. Eames."
Eames lowered his head beneath the hot water in shame.
"Anything for my cat?" Yusuf wondered out loud.
----------
It was midterm season and while the boys were enjoying time off in Los Angeles, Ariadne had to go back to school in Paris. One day, she received a giant delivery from Procter and Gamble--about 30 boxes of different kinds of Tampax tampons. And that was just the start--Saito attached a note saying the warehouse AND their main stays in LA and Mombassa were stocked with enough of them for her and Yusuf to share (And Arthur if he occasionally needed them, and Eames if he didn't learn from the responses and try to smoke them anyway). Saito also wrote in the note, "We all talked about your feminine needs, and we hope you never have to ask us again. No more excuses. ^_^" "(EXCEPT FOR SEX)" Ariadne recognized the addition of Eames' distinctly bad handwriting.
Ariadne never had to ask the boys for tampons again.