Remember Me!?! Chapter 30 PART TWO: Something Wrong
Remember Me!?!
Chapter 30: PART TWO: Something Wrong
Pairings: MinKey/JongKey (!side: YunJae)
Genre: Angst, Romance, Triangle, Drama
Rated: PG13
Summary: The pain of being torn apart by the heart longing for two separate lovers can tear away at one’s soul and exhaust them until they are unable to feel anymore. Like overworking in an office or physically overworking oneself, the stress of love can eventually exhaust the heart. But unlike work, when it comes to love, it is impossible to take a vacation. Impossible to escape from the past, but the future will never stop coming. And now hiding is not an option anymore. Whether he is ready or not-Kibum has to choose.
IMPORTANT: PART ONE, the last paragraph should have been in this part, but it didn't fit.
Kibum held his breath nervously as he tried to slip behind Minho and hide himself the best he could, as he walked through the cafeteria on the eastern end of the campus. It was eleven-forty, and that meant that he knew that Jonghyun’s class had just ended and he was off for lunch, which meant he would be around here anywhere. As a matter of fact-yeah, that was definitely Jonghyun’s sad-toned humming he head coming nearer and nearer at that very moment.
Jonghyun paused his singing and pulled his headphones off of his ears as he glanced to the other side of the walk way, and immediately picked Kibum out of the crowd (eye trained to pick up the familiar younger boy in crowds after spending almost all his life with him). As they walked near to each other, Jonghyun hid the thankful smile under a playful glare as he opened his mouth and was about to belt out a lame excuse such as “Oh, you did come back. Well, I guess I can say I’m glad to see you, although I enjoyed my vacation. No one has made me breakfast for the last three days.”, when as soon as Kibum spotted him, the younger immediately looked down quickly, swishing his bangs to cover his face, and slipped more behind Minho, not sparing Jonghyun a passing glance.
Jonghyun stopped completely where he was left, eyes large and confused as his mouth hung open slightly still, just watching Kibum’s back as the younger walked away with him with progressing speeds. Jonghyun swallowed heavily, but didn’t take his eyes off of him, but still felt the same thoughts in his head. “Did I do something wrong?” He muttered quietly, as he was left alone again.
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Kibum frowned heavily as he glanced over his shoulder towards the direction of the cafeteria as he walked away from it, once he and Minho were alone again. “Jonghyun…..J-Jonggie baby….I’m so sorry. I’m really terrible…I…I’ve betrayed you. I-I betrayed you, and yet I still love you so much. J-just…let me be alone for today. Let me fix these conflicting feelings in my heart….I don’t want to hurt you.” He thought slowly, but couldn’t help himself from glancing down at his hand grasping Minho’s and questioning himself as he realized that he was too upset to be anywhere near Jonghyun, and yet, he was still perfectly okay to hold Minho’s hand and go out to lunch with him. What was going on with him? Ignoring Jonghyun to be with Minho…he had to blame his recent actions on being stressed about what the fortune teller said, and needing a break. He just couldn’t allow himself to begin to believe that the betrayal the fortune teller saw in his eyes had was actually…his betrayal to Jonghyun.
Minho softened a little as he felt Kibum’s hold on his hand tremble before tightening again. “You okay?” He muttered, as he looked closer at Kibum’s face, noticing how torn the shorter boy’s eyes looked, and the way he nipped his lip hesitantly.
Kibum composed himself from his troubling thoughts for a moment before glancing back up at Minho and showing a soft half-smile. “Mnn. I’m fine. Let’s go, huh?” He asked, quietly.
Minho glanced over his shoulder, towards the direction of the cafeteria, not letting the fact that Kibum directly ignored Jonghyun pass by him, and now began to wonder. However, as he glanced up at the sky, and noticed that it started raining, he opened up the umbrella he was carrying for Kibum and brought the shorter boy close to his side as he kept them both dry under the same umbrella.
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Jonghyun looked up at the sky as it began raining as if the sky had just split in two. He didn’t have an umbrella, or anything that could help keep the rain off of him, so he only sighed and continued his walking towards his next class’s classroom. He might as well get to his next classroom before the bell rang so he could get dry before class started. Maybe, hopefully, he would run into Onew and he would want to go get chicken again after his last period. He didn’t know how he had suddenly become so lonely, but he didn’t dare go to talk to any of his other classmates. His confidence seemed to be shot after his best friend for life ignored him and acted as if he didn’t even know who he was.
Why would Kibum act like that? Was it something he had done? Was it something he said, or not said? What was wrong? What could have made Kibum so upset with him that he had to go and treat him like he had never had before? Or…even if Jonghyun didn’t do anything wrong recently, was it that Kibum finally decided that Jonghyun was too much of a jerk to love anymore? Perhaps Kibum had finally found the truth of him being too good for Jonghyun anymore, and decided to forget about their entire pasts together and everything which was once theirs.
Jonghyun quickened his step as he didn’t want to think of such things anymore, but was suddenly stopped in his steps by the loud and annoying noise of high heels clicking against the wet pavement and his arm was grabbed quickly by a small had with long, painted nails.
Jonghyun stopped walking, but said nothing as he glanced back from the ground and looked into Tiffany’s big eyes and batting eyelashes, face tastefully painted with makeup, strong perfume covering and smothering the fresh smell of the rain, but her hair still perfectly styled with slight and loose curls under her pink umbrella.
“Jonghyun-ah! I finally found you! What are you doing walking in the rain? Don’t you have a jacket?” Tiffany squeaked happily, as she stood closer and looped her arm with Jonghyun’s wet bicep.
Jonghyun shrugged slightly, but didn’t get a chance to answer with words before Tiffany began talking again, so just closed his mouth and remained quiet. He was in a terrible mood, and really would rather not say anything to Tiffany at the moment anyway.
“Oh, so guess what? My third period was canceled!! I don’t have anything to do for this entire hour and forty minute period. Isn’t that great? What do you think? Do you want to go get coffee? Could we go to the mall so I could go buy some lip-gloss? Oh, and Taeyeon was supposed to be working in the mall today too! We should go see her, she seems to have some crazy idea that we’re not getting along much these days. Let’s go to the mall! Doesn’t that sound fun, Jonghyun-ah? Now we can go out and have a date together, like, finally. We’ve both been so busy lately, that I haven’t seen you at all and you know a girl needs her boyfriend every now and again and-” She was cut off by Jonghyun making an annoyed face and looking at her sharply.
“Tiffany, I think you’re forgetting something. Your class was canceled, not mine. I still have to go to class.” He stated, tone maybe a little harsher than he had really meant it to be, but he was too short and worked up because of Kibum to really notice how he was taking it out on his “girlfriend”.
Tiffany’s smile faded a little bit as she heard Jonghyun’s tone, but seemed resistant to understanding the emotions behind his words, and simply brushed it off of her shoulder as she figured it was just the boy not having enough coffee in his system. “Yeah, I know, but can’t you just-you know-ditch? We’ve done it before. Besides, it’s just your lyric composition class isn’t it? It’s not like it’s really going to kill your GPA if you miss a few days anyway. Anyways, we’ve both been so busy lately, isn’t going out and progressing on our relationship better and more important?” She asked casually, as she continued to have her arm looped around Jonghyun’s.
Jonghyun felt all the hurt feelings inside of him bubble into annoyance as he was forced from his solitary sulking that was required to get the feelings out, and couldn’t help but allow for the annoyed feelings he was feeling at the fact he couldn’t sulk anymore sink to his voice as he yanked his arm from Tiffany’s clingy grasp.
“Ugh! It’s always that simple isn’t, Tiffany? It’s always the same with you! It’s always all about progressing with the relationship, dating and kissing, isn’t it? Nothing else matters as long as you still get to go out and have me to rub in your friends’ faces and buy you things? My personal issues and feelings just don’t have any effect on you, do they? And even if you say so, it can all be fixed as long as we go out on a date, right? The future doesn’t even matter, apparently, as long as you still have a boyfriend to date with. When are you going to wake up, Tiffany!? We’re not in high school, it’s not all about girlfriend-boyfriend anymore!” He snapped agitatedly, not really thinking through his words as all his hurt turned into anger and annoyance, and he just needed to let it out somehow, even if he didn’t really mean to say all he did.
Tiffany stopped where she was, and looked at Jonghyun with confused eyes, her smile off her face, a slight scowl on her face growing by the second. “Oh. So that’s how you really feel I am, Jonghyun? That I’m like a high schooler, and all I care about is using you to show off to my friends? Well, I’ll admit, I used to brag a bit, because I thought that I had found the kindest and best guy out there to be my boyfriend, but I honestly don’t even know anymore! What’s there to brag about, about some flaky jerk who doesn’t even take me seriously!?” She snapped back, now equally agitated, which only made Jonghyun even more agitated due to his honest wishing for anything but a fight.
Jonghyun sighed heavily as he heard the offence in Tiffany’s snappy comeback, now noticing the harshness and impulsiveness in his words which made them sound much more of an attack than he had meant them to be. He just was so stressed out about Kibum that he couldn’t keep his emotions to himself to agree to go out with Tiffany and act okay, when he obviously wasn’t. As much as he wanted to keep this up for the protection of Kibum’s relationship with his mother, he knew that he couldn’t keep this act of not-still-loving-him up for much longer, and the strain it was putting on his emotions would be enough to make him crack if he had to go and act perfectly fine in front of Tiffany and all her friends. He hadn’t meant to snap at her so in such an uncalled-for matter though. Even though he had never truly loved Tiffany, she was there for him when he needed her, and she was a friend. He didn’t want to hurt her when all she was trying to do was be with him.
Jonghyun let out another heavy breath before dropping his shoulders and softening the best that he could, walking back next to Tiffany, taking her shoulders gently in one of his arms, and leading her slowly under the covered patio, looking at her with apologetic eyes. “Okay…alright…I’m sorry.” He stated sincerely, as he got her out of the rain. “Look, I didn’t mean it like that. I really didn’t mean it like that at all. I’ve…just been really stressed out lately. A lot has been going on, and I’m in a really sour mood right now, and let the emotions I had inside already get taken out on you. I shouldn’t have let that happen, and I feel really bad now. I didn’t even really mean all I said. I was just agitated and needed something or someone to blow up at. It shouldn’t have been you, though. You haven’t done anything wrong.” He explained the best he could, sitting Tiffany slowly on one of the benches under the patio, and looking in her eyes with the best puppy eyes he could muster at the moment. “Don’t let the words I just said hurt you, they weren’t honest.” He added.
Tiffany held her breath unhappily as she stared at Jonghyun’s honest eyes for a long minute, before finally un-tensing her shoulders and letting out her breath she had been holding with frustration. “Ugh. How am I supposed to not forgive you when you’re looking at me so pitifully? Seriously, Jonghyun, you would really know how to piss a girl off of if you didn’t apologize so quickly. What the heck is making you so stressed out that you are acting so out of character lately?” She asked, tones of annoyance still evident in her voice.
Jonghyun glanced away from her slowly and let out a breath; a little surprised at the lack of consideration towards him, but was not going to comment on it, by any means. However, as soon as he thought back to why he had been so upset, he could easily see Kibum’s face as he hid it from him and ignored him, hand still tightly grasping Minho’s, as he quickly walked away from him. His heart wrenched a little in his chest as he thought of it, but was brought back to the present as Tiffany continued staring at him.
“U-ugh….my friend has been giving me a few troubles lately. I can’t seem to understand what he’s trying to do, although I know him so well. I guess the years we spent apart have left me without being able to understand everything about him anymore. He’s grown and changed a lot since I’ve seen him last, and I can’t find myself to understand if there’s something I did that was wrong, or if he’s just trying to get some space. The last time I talked to him-he seemed just the same-but today he’s so distant and cold, as if he wished we didn’t even know each other. I…used to be able to read him like a book…but now I’m clueless. I don’t know what I could have possibly done to hurt him, so why would he act as if he hates me? I haven’t done anything wrong, and yet he’s treating me in a way he never has before. I just hope that he’s okay. That nothing’s hurt him…” He muttered, slowly fading off into a mumble, talking more to himself than to Tiffany, as he stared down at the raindrops falling into the small puddles on the sidewalk.
Tiffany only shrugged at this as she leaned back in her seat on the bench. “Huh. Sounds like your guy-friend is acting like a chick and needs to get over his issues, or find a girlfriend to confide in. As much as a sweet romantic as you are, Jonghyun, your understanding of women is really poor. Your friend probably just needs a girl in his life to deal with all that emotional stuff he’s trying to dump on you, all guys get better when they have a girl in their lives, right, Jonghyun? Oh, and if he’s looking for someone, I know Yuri is currently single.” She blabbed, making Jonghyun roll his eyes and glance away from her, until the class-alarm on his watch suddenly rang over her constant talking about how good for guys girls were.
Jonghyun stood up slowly as he continued half-listening to what Tiffany was saying, knowing he would probably be quizzed on it later to prove he listens to what she has to say, before he was suddenly tugged on the arm, and he glanced back at her face, frowning as he noticed the plotting expression painted on her glossy lips.
“You, I still haven’t completely forgiven you for snapping at me just because of your guy-friend, and I’m not going until my boyfriend gives his girlfriend a kiss, right?” Tiffany stated, as she continued staring at Jonghyun, placing her hands on her thin hips as she stared at him expectantly.
Jonghyun froze completely as he heard the words, and felt himself shiver slightly. “A-a k-kiss?” He stuttered nervously, feeling his insides wrench again. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go buy you that lip-gloss instead?” He tried desperately, trying not to show how incredibly desperate he truly was.
Tiffany crossed her arms and stared at Jonghyun closely, as she stood up and walked next to him again, staring at him suspiciously. “Jonghyun, what’s with you? You do realize that it’s almost been a whole month from the last time we kissed? I’ve tried to give it that we have barely been able to see each other, but how is this a progression on our relationship? You’ve gotta give a girl something Jonghyun, if you’re not going to go for that date, or invite me back to your dorm tonight?” She all-but-threatened, making Jonghyun shutter (why were women always threatening him?).
Jonghyun swallowed as he watched Tiffany close her eyes and pucker her lips and wait for him to kiss her. He couldn’t. Really, he couldn’t. He hadn’t been able to have enough balls or whatever it took for him to be able to kiss her, since Kibum had come back into his life, and the only one he had or could ever love was right there in front of him again. How was he supposed to be able to kiss her now, when his feelings for Kibum were already flaring? But…then again, if he didn’t kiss her, he could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire when it came with their relationship. And without her…what else would he use against Kibum for an argument or excuse as to why he wouldn’t take him back? He needed something, because without Tiffany, and without telling him the truth, he knew he would have nothing, and knew he not be able to lie.
“C-come on, Jonghyun…do it. You have to…Jjong, do it. Don’t think about him….n-no, better, do it for him. Don’t forget why you’re not with him in the first place. You can’t be with him. You can’t, and you have to keep this up. You have to keep your promise and keep a girlfriend. Remember what you promised his eomma four years ago, when you first kissed Tiffany in the first place? You would be together with her for as long as she wanted you, just for one graduation photo of him? Just for one paragraph telling you that he was doing okay since he graduated? Now kiss her. Make her happy and save that relationship you used to buy information on Kibum with. Stay true to your word.” He forced himself to think, as he slowly swallowed again before leaning towards Tiffany’s lips, about to touch his to hers, when he suddenly spotted someone walking along with another down the sidewalk, causing for him to glance up quickly.
“No way!” Jonghyun muttered quickly, as he looked in front of him and saw someone who was unmistakably Jaejoong walking along with the same boy he had heard on the phone from yesterday. Jonghyun’s eyes widened and he quickly took a step forwards, away from Tiffany, as he tried to catch Jaejoong before he slipped away.
“Jae-Jaejoong?” Jonghyun asked quickly, as he took a few steps towards the older two boys, causing for them to stop from their talking and walking, and for Jaejoong to glance over his shoulder slowly, only to smile widely as he looked at the one who had called him.
“Jonghyun? Oh my gosh, what are you doing here!?” Jaejoong asked quickly, as he slipped from Yunho’s side, and quickly made his way towards his old high school classmate. “I never thought I’d see you here! Where’s Kibum?” He asked happily, but suddenly stopped when he noticed the change in Jonghyun’s eyes and how the younger boy glanced down slowly, holding his breath.
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Kibum sighed again as he remained seated on the bench on the top of the hill overlooking the soccer field, sitting in the chilly early-evening’s sun as he continued to watch the movements of Minho and the rest of the soccer team down on the field, as they practiced. Almost the entire of the day had already passed, and yet, he still hadn’t been able to sort out his mind and feelings. All day he had been ignoring Jonghyun for nothing that he had done to deserve it, as he spent time with Minho instead. And the worst thing about it was…it hadn’t even been bothered him at all as he spent the entire of the day with the other boy, after publically ignoring Jonghyun. There was no way that he could have experienced such a sudden change of heart. He…there was no way he didn’t still love Jonghyun. No, he knew he still loved Jonghyun. It was just that…Jonghyun made it obvious, or at least damn convincing, that he didn’t love him any longer. How much longer did he have to keep fighting for something, if what he was fighting for was something impossible to gain? It was just…how could he still love Jonghyun so much, now that he realized that he had already unintentionally began to love Minho without him even noticing it until he was all-but-told by a stranger? Still the guilt he had felt yesterday morning in Daegu was still there. So strong. The guilt of realizing that he had just simply pushed Jonghyun out of his heart and mind, how he didn’t care about the entire past and their promises to love each other, and each other only. Forgot everything they had once been so sure of, forgot about only loving each other…and had been so damn tempted to lean forwards and kiss Minho, to spend the rest of his life loving him instead. Kibum sighed and dropped his head into his hands, head throbbing and heart aching with confusion and from being torn.
Suddenly, however, he felt a warm presence of someone sitting down next to him, and a soft hand gently yanking his hand away from his face, trying to make him stop taking his stress and confusion out on his face. Kibum moaned a little as he felt the tugging at his hand, and elbowed the one next to him lightly to try to make them stop. “Nugh…Minho-yah, just let me rest for a moment. You’re supposed to be practicing anyway. I’m okay, just let me close my eyes for a moment.” He muttered shortly, after a moment, only to feel the hold on his hand tremble a little before another tug was given, this time succeeding in removing his palm from his face.
Kibum held his hitched breath in his chest as he looked up and found the eyes of Jonghyun looking at him sympathetically, instead of Minho’s large, dark eyes. His face flushed a little as he met Jonghyun’s unexpected puppy-eyes, and he inched backwards a little. He wasn’t ready to face Jonghyun yet. He still hadn’t been able to put together his feelings yet, and didn’t know how to face him. He just wished he could slip away before he made the wrong move, but Jonghyun seemed to continue holding his wrist lightly as he looked at him with big eyes.
“Are you angry with me?” Jonghyun asked directly, as he noticed how Kibum immediately began to scoot backwards a little from him, as soon as he noticed that he was not Minho (Jonghyun tried not to think too much of it, but he definitely noticed it).
Kibum immediately pulled his eyes away from Jonghyun’s chocolaty ones, and glanced down at the ground quickly. “A-ah…no. I’m not angry at you…” He muttered quietly, as he still tried to hide himself from Jonghyun, emotions still an unorganized and thrashing sea in his heart, and unable to correctly make any sense of what he was thinking at the moment.
“Then there’s something wrong.” Jonghyun stated, as he continued to hold onto Kibum’s wrist, and kept staring closely at his face, despite the fact the younger was hiding his eyes from him. “You’ve completely ignored me for the last four days. Have I done something wrong?” He asked, noticing how Kibum bit his lip when the question came up.
“O-oh, n-no…” Kibum muttered quietly. “You have done anything wrong. I’m….just a mess right now. I just need some space today, that’s why I’ve been ignoring you today. I’m sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong.” He explained the best he could at the moment.
Jonghyun sighed quietly but tried to soften the best he could and gently boxed Kibum’s cheek playfully to try to make him feel better. “Don’t go and become insecure and change your hairstyle again, huh? It seems you’ve gotten more drastic with your impulsive doings since we were in high school. I’d worry for your head if you were to do the same habit of changing your hairstyle because of insecurity again.” He joked lightly, trying to make a smile come to Kibum’s face, but only got a small and rather fake looking one, making him frown instead.
“You still remember that habit, huh?” Kibum asked quietly, as he continued to stare down at the ground, and their shadows stretching on the brown sunlit dirt below the bench.
Jonghyun half smiled as he thought about the series of over-the-top hairstyles that the younger had gone through in his intermediate, middle, and high school years. “Heh, it’s hard to forget. Your styles were a bit extravagant.” He muttered, laughing quietly, and noticing as Kibum allowed a small smile to play over his lips for a little moment. “I remember quite a few different styles now that I think of it. Let’s see, your hair is naturally brown, it was black when you started intermediate for a short time, and it alternated between those two for a while before you started dying it more daring colors after I bleached my hair blonde. That’s when the drastic changes started whenever you felt insecure. The time you went blonde because you wanted to prove you looked better blonde than Jessica, and because you thought I liked her. And, the time you dyed your bangs pink because you were afraid that with all the girls in your beginner’s fashion class, you wouldn’t get the attention you were used to having. And, the most drastic one was when you started calling yourself Key and went gothic because you were afraid of me ignoring you at high school when you got there.” He stated, smiling fondly to himself every time he thought of a different shade of the rainbow Kibum’s hair once had.
Kibum half smiled at Jonghyun’s still keen memory before glancing away from him again and holding his breath. “I shaved the complete right side of my head and dyed the shaved hair white, after you left me, four years ago.” He stated honestly, though he noticed how the smile fell off of Jonghyun’s lips as he heard his words, and also felt a tingle of pain in his chest as he remembered how incredibly insecure he was when he was forced to live on without Jonghyun for the first time before.
Jonghyun stopped and was quiet for a long moment as his eyes fluttered down to the ground and Kibum began to see a mix of sadness, guilt and pain building in them as he remained wordless for a long time, just pressing his lips together tightly. “Kibum….I’m sorry.” Was all he was able to whisper as he realized the insecurity behind such an act, and how it was all his fault. How instead of causing it, he was supposed to be the one who made it go away, just like all the times before.
Kibum softened a little and squeezed Jonghyun’s shoulder as he was able to read his emotions still, and showed a soft smile although it was still slightly saddened. “It’s okay. I was alright afterwards. Minho-yah took good care of me, and even researched methods to make hair grow back as quickly as possible when I cried my eyes out the week after doing it, when I looked in the mirror for the first time.” He said, allowing for himself to half smile when he thought about Minho staying up all night with a wailing younger self, and all the crazy methods they used to make his hair grow back.
Jonghyun swallowed heavily as he noticed the genuine smile coming to Kibum’s face as he remembered about some sort of memory without him in it. “Minho seems to always take really good care of you, and you two seem to have a really close relationship with each other. I’m glad he’s there…and still there…for you. You deserve to have someone pamper and take care of you like he does.” He muttered, more to himself, not really noticing how his tone had suddenly turned a little sour with jealousy and sadness.
Again, immediately the guilt hit Kibum. If…if Jonghyun knew exactly what Minho really meant to him…what would he truly think? If he had known what Kibum had felt back in Busan…what would he truly feel about Minho? Kibum didn’t even want to think about it. He wished he could just know, but there was no way of asking. “Jjong-ah…” Kibum started, as he turned to Jonghyun, upon suddenly hearing the jealousy in the older boy’s voice. He wished he could still laugh it off and tease him for it like he might used to do. Kibum swallowed the best he could, before he allowed for a slight smile to fall over his face as he reached out and pawed at Jonghyun playfully, trying to become in the best of moods as he could right then. “Jjong-ah, is that a tone of jealousy I detect in your voice?” He asked as playfully as he could at the moment, trying to act as he might have, not wanting for things to change between then anymore than they already had, and smiling as he noticed Jonghyun’s eyes widen with realization and turn away from him quickly, only to have Kibum hug his back playfully, trying to get him to admit it.
“A-ah, no! Jealousy? What jealousy? Why should I be jealous of a big eyed alien!? I don’t know about you, but I prefer to walk down the street without banging my head on airplanes and skyscrapers. Who would want to be a six story-tall alien anyway? Surely not me. I’m not jealous of him. Stop thinking too much, Kibum. Maybe your ears are going tone deaf. Either that, or you only hear what you want to hear. Both sound logical.” Jonghyun squawked quickly, trying to escape and hide from Kibum for some reason he didn’t know, laughing as Kibum laughed and attacked him from behind.
Kibum laughed at this, pushing the guilt he still felt out as quickly as he could, now wanting nothing more than to play and be happy with Jonghyun again. “You’re a bad liar, Jonggie! I bet you’d love to be six stories tall. I could just see you, like Godzilla, stomping through the streets going ‘rwaarrr’, like you used to play when you were seven.” Kibum shouted happily, as he continued attacking Jonghyun, but suddenly stopped when Jonghyun stopped and only held both his hands still to stop them from attacking him.
“You’re smiling again.” Jonghyun stated plainly, not needing to say anymore, because the smile on his face and eyes made it obvious that he was relieved by it.
Kibum glanced down slowly from Jonghyun’s eyes, and directed them back towards the ground, but didn’t let the smile fall off of his face or make Jonghyun let go of his hands. “Mmn…I am, aren’t I?” He asked softly, as he reflected on the light feeling in his chest, and wondered why he had doubted that Jonghyun was really the one who made him feel that way, before. “Jjong…thanks. I…needed this. Needed you. I needed you to come and help me out right now. I…don’t think I would have been able to pull myself back together if you hadn’t come here right now. Thank you…” He muttered, turning his gaze back towards Jonghyun again, showing him a soft smile.
Jonghyun smiled back in return and let go of his hands, leaning back on the bench and stared towards the soccer field, where he saw the silhouette as someone he had learned the name of as Yunho, as he ran onto the field and apologized for being so late for practice. “Well…as much as we fight with each other now, I never wanted it to be that way. I like being comfortable like this with you again. I like seeing you smile. It’s been so long since I have seen you genuinely smile like you used to in our childhood, and even though our situation together right now is difficult, I want to be able to see it again.” He explained as honestly as he would allow himself to show to the younger at the moment.
Kibum stopped for a moment before hugging Jonghyun lightly for a short moment. Just a soft, short, light, and friendly hug. Not a lover’s hug, but a friend’s. Nothing like the kind of hugs he had tried to give him before, or even the kind of hug he would normally give to Minho. Just a short embrace that a friend might have given another after the other had done something nice for them. And he had to admit that it felt good like that. It felt good to be by Jonghyun’s side and feel his comfortable company like he might have when they were children, not trying to prove anything, and not trying to make anything happen. It felt good to hug Jonghyun just for a second in the happiness of comfort, without trying to keep his grasp on him for as long as he would be allowed. For once, he didn’t fear Jonghyun getting up and walking away from him. His heart immediately felt lighter at this, and he could finally breathe easily again.
Jonghyun smiled at Kibum’s content smile before messing up his hair gently (getting a glare from the diva for messing it up so much), before glancing towards the bottom of the hill where he knew someone was waiting for Kibum. He let out a short breath before looking back towards Kibum and made it to where their eyes connected. “Kibummie, I want to see you the way you used to be, before anything of this ever started in the first place. I want to see you smile happily, and for that smile not to hold pain anymore. I want to see your eyes looking at me in whatever way they feel for me, not with an act, and not with pain or fear of me leaving. I want you to be able to laugh and laugh with your full heart without hurt being there anymore. I want to undo all the hurt I’ve given you, and I want to take back all the harsh words I have said to you since we’ve found each other again. I want the last four years to be cleared from all the shit I’ve caused you to endure. I want you to be happy, naïve and innocent just like you were in high school, just how you were the day before I left in the first place.” He said honestly, before glancing back down for a moment.
“But…I know that you can never change what happened in the past, and no words already said can be completely erased. So, starting from today, I want to be able to help you forget it all. I want you to slowly be able to come back to being truly happy, because I know that just saying I’m sorry isn’t going to take the last four years away. You’ve grown up and matured so much since I left you…but I don’t want you to grow up leaving your true happiness out of your life. Please, don’t act in front of me anymore. Don’t feel like you have to hold back your true emotions to act like an adult, thinking that it’s what I want, or what anyone wants you to be. No matter how mature or old you become, in my eyes, you’re always going to be that brutally honest and impulsive boy I’ve grown up with, and even though in the years we’ve been apart, I’ve lost my ability to completely understand you-I can still see when you’re holding yourself back from something. I know I’ve been nothing but a pain and stress for you since you’ve come here in the first place…but I’m sorry, and I want you to be able to relax and feel something familiar, so I asked someone to meet you today.” He explained, as he nodded towards the bottom of the hill where he knew Jaejoong was still waiting.
Kibum, however, seemed too caught in his emotions to really pay attention to the last part, Jonghyun’s honest and kind words making cool marks on his heart, slowly coming in to calm the raging sea of emotions that was storming inside of him. All the care, love and kindness which made Kibum fall in love with Jonghyun in the first place was there, solid and evident in his eyes, and despite all of the harsh words he had said that had once turned Kibum bitter, Kibum now was shown once again that Jonghyun was really worth coming back for. That he was truly the same and kind best friend he had spent his childhood with, and the four years apart had not yet managed to change his kind and good natured heart.
“Jjong-ah…” Kibum muttered quietly, before leaning forwards and gently leaving a light and chaste kiss on the older boy’s cheek, feeling how the other still winced at the sudden contact, but smiling as Jonghyun didn’t pull away from him until his lips left his cheek. “Thank you…you’re still the same considerate heart you used to be.” He muttered, as he slowly let go of the older boy and took his place next to him, but still looked at him with large eyes, heart swollen with the words Jonghyun had previously said.
Jonghyun swallowed the large lump in his throat as Kibum kissed him, and forced his body to stay still, even as it ached and begged him to bring his own close to Kibum’s and embrace him, lips begging to be placed against the soft lips which had sent soft tingles across his right cheek, heart begging him just to tell him that he still loved him, and take him back that moment, but mind finally winning over as he forced himself to stop his body’s natural wants.
“J-just go and visit him first. Don’t take what I said as an open invitation to do that…I just want to see you happy again.” He muttered, forcing himself to still try to reject Kibum’s kiss, although his entire body secretly begged for more.
Kibum smiled lightly again and let his hand slide across Jonghyun’s shoulder width as he stood up and began making his way towards where Jonghyun had directed him earlier, after another reassuring glance at the older boy, making sure he was going in the right direction, until something suddenly crossed his mind and he stopped walking, glancing over his shoulder at Jonghyun, who was still on the bench where he had been left.
“Jjong. Where are you going to be later? Can I come and visit you again? I’ll bring chicken for Ori if I can.” He asked suddenly, after a long moment of thinking, considering and reconsidering whether going to Jonghyun’s dorm again was a good idea or not for his conflicting feelings.
Jonghyun hid the half smile that appeared on his face the best he possibly could, before nodding slowly. “I’ll be home. But I’m sure that he already has a few buckets of chicken left in the dorm. Just come as you are.” He answered, before suddenly realizing what he was doing, and as discretely as he could, kicked himself in the leg for not rejecting Kibum once again.
Kibum smiled as he noticed Jonghyun’s twisted smile, and could tell he was damning himself, but simply nodded, happy with the answer he got. “Then I’ll bring something else then. I’m sure you’re tired of chicken by now.” He answered, now walking backwards in the general direction that Jonghyun had told him to go, but eyes focused on Jonghyun.
Jonghyun half smiled before faking a glare and pointing towards the bottom of the hill where Jaejoong was waiting, probably wondering if Kibum was ever going to show up. “Stop distracting yourself, and go visit him already! I’m positive you’re going to spend hours talking with each other, and it’s not getting any earlier. Geesh, he has a life too.” He snapped as harshly as he could, exaggerating his motions towards the bottom of the hill.
Kibum glanced over his shoulder with a newly curious expression on his face towards where Jonghyun was pointing. “Who is it?” He asked, but as he expected, Jonghyun didn’t answer and only made another exaggerated point towards the bottom of the hill. Kibum shrugged before deciding to follow what he was told to do, and only smiled at Jonghyun one more time lightly, waving. “Bye-bye, Jonggie. I’ll see you later. And…thank you.” He said happily, getting a soft smile from Jonghyun as a response, but only stayed still for a long minute looking at him. Damn his bipolar heart! One second he questions if Jonghyun could ever be replaced in his heart, and the next, Jonghyun is the only person he sees. All he could be sure of for now-Jonghyun is a good person, and he truly loves him. No matter what kind of love that is, he truly and honest loves him.
“Just go already!” Jonghyun finally shouted after a long moment, upon noticing that they were only staring at each other, and jumped around exaggeratedly, threatening to chase Kibum down the hill if that was the only way he was going to be able to get him to move.
Kibum laughed again quietly before turning around and began descending down the hill, waving his hand over his head in means to tell Jonghyun to chill out, as he stuck his other hand in his pocket, leaving the agitated older and shorter boy bouncing around on his own, on the top of the hill.
Jonghyun dropped both of his hands in his jean pockets as he watched Kibum disappear from his sight, down the hill. “I hope this makes him happy…” He thought slowly, still smiling slightly, but his conscience beginning to gnaw away at his happy thoughts even as he thought so. What was he doing? He should have been relieved that Kibum had started spending less time with him lately. It definitely made forcing himself to ignore is feelings and appear distant from Kibum easier. But, then, there he goes and makes himself become even closer to Kibum and making him spend more time with him again. It was as if he was trying to make this more difficult for himself. He couldn’t just allow himself to be happy with Kibum again, and yet, he couldn’t seem to be able to force himself to be miserable without him either. Jonghyun sighed and took one of his hands out of his pockets just for long enough to scuff his hair messily, and slowly turned around. Regardless if doing this did not help him live on without Kibum-all he really wanted was for Kibum to be happy for a little while. And he was assured of that, as he suddenly cringed when he heard loud and happy screaming coming from down the hill, where he had sent Kibum off to.
“AHH! OH MY GOSH! JAEJOONG-SUNBAE!!”
“KIBUM-AH!!”
Jonghyun shivered slightly as he remembered how those two greeted each other in high school. They were worse than two high school girls when they were together, and almost even made schoolgirls look sane comparatively, once they got going. However, even as he winced and shivered upon remembering how his ears had gotten long-term damage due to the two’s diva loudness, he couldn’t help but smile again. Kibum would definitely be happy to be together with Jaejoong again, and be loud and happy just like he used to be.
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The huge smile that had fallen across Kibum’s face ever since he had first spotted Jaejoong had not gone away, as they walked together to get a cup of coffee and have a chance to talk together and be together along with him again for the first time in person for almost seven years. Kibum, despite still having a close relationship with his hyung, hadn’t had the guts to call him or email him since Jonghyun had first left him in the first place, and since Jaejoong had graduated, he hadn’t seen him in person since he graduated three years before himself. Despite the gaps in their age, the two male-divas seemed to still get along just as well as they did before, and the entire walk to the coffee shop and been filled with silly chatter that might have been said in a high school reunion between two girls in their twenties, suddenly turning back to being the sixteen year old best friends they once were.
“I can’t believe you’re actually here, Hyung!” Kibum stated again happily, as he took his vanilla-chai tea and walked along with the older man as they found two comfortable chairs in the back of the café, and made themselves comfortable there, out of the way and in a more private of a spot, where they could talk about whatever they wanted. “When Jonggie said that he had someone for me to meet up with, I would have never thought it’d be you! I’m so happy. What are you doing in Daegu?” He asked, excitedly.
Jaejoong smiled again before glancing down at his latte. “Well…actually…Yunho-my boyfriend-lives here, and well, last time he was in Seoul-this happened.” He smiled a little proudly before showing a ring on his finger, causing for Kibum to let out a surprisingly high squeal for his naturally deeper voice.
“Wah!! You’re engaged!? Oh my god!” Kibum screeched happily and loudly, succeeding in getting the attention of the entire café by the surprisingly high pitched squealing from the two boys in the back of the café’s sitting area. Kibum didn’t notice at all however, and only quickly grabbed Jaejoong’s hand to stare down at the ring with big, shining eyes. “Oh my gosh….you’re engaged, and are probably actually going to be married in the next thirteen years. That has got…wow…that has got to feel amazing, to have him there with you and be engaged and…you guys can spend forever with each other, j-just like he promised, and…” He cut himself short, however, as he felt a lump growing in his throat as he thought of how amazing it must be to really wear a ring that meant the promise of forever love and marriage. How amazing it must be to still have the one who had promised to marry him, to truly still feel that way, truly plan on fulfilling that promise without breaking it. It must really feel amazing.
“Kibum, I.....” Jonghyun’s words came back to him as Kibum continued staring at Jaejoong’s engagement ring, with longing and pain-filled eyes. “I....I have to break my promise. W-we.....I can’t marry you....” Kibum tried again to swallow, but it became harder and harder as each of Jonghyun’s words came back to him.
Kibum’s tears began spilling uncontrollably as he heard Jonghyun’s words, and he felt as if his heart had just split in two. “N-no...” He started. Jonghyun looked at him slowly, broken heart painted within the soft and teary gaze in his eyes.
“K-Kibum...I love you more than life...b-but...w-we...” He started, as Kibum began shaking his head furiously. “....maybe w-we just aren’t meant to be together…”
Jaejoong softened as he looked into Kibum’s eyes and saw the pain they held, not knowing exactly what he was thinking about, but knowing just enough from the expression on his face what it could be about. He swallowed before gently reaching out and pulling Kibum’s shoulders up gently, until he looked him in the face.
“Kibum….Jonghyun told me what happened.” Jaejoong said quietly and sympathetically as he looked into Kibum’s eyes gently.
Kibum glanced up from Jaejoong’s ring slowly, eyes still filled with pain, but stared at him helplessly. The only person who really knew what had happened between him and Jonghyun before had been Minho, and even though Kibum trusted his entire life on Minho, he knew that he couldn’t really rely too much on him for advice on what to do next. Minho was his best friend had had been there through every moment that Kibum needed him, and Kibum felt as if they knew each other better than they knew themselves, but Minho didn’t know Jonghyun. He didn’t know Jonghyun’s real self, and he had never really spent any time with him before. But…Jaejoong had. Maybe that was what gave Kibum a little bit of comfort as he heard those words, and swallowed heavily, though the pain still remained in his eyes. “H-hyung…” Kibum stuttered out quietly, but Jaejoong kept a hold on his hand.
“He told me everything.” Jaejoong said softly, still comforting the younger boy. “He told me the truth about what happened. About you two breaking up, about his family going bankrupt and having to leave you behind in Seoul as he was forced to move here with his mother. He also told me about how he has forced to try to move on without you in order not to hurt you anymore than he already had. And, he also told me why you’re here in Daegu too, how you followed him and wanted things to go back to how things were when I knew you two. He told me everything, and cried as he did so, before actually getting on his knees and begging for me to be there for you and comfort the way he can’t allow himself to anymore, and how all he really wanted at this time in his life, was to see you smile again with that pain in your eyes-and now I know what he was talking about. The look in your eyes…he feels so guilty, but he can’t find a way to take it away from you. Kibum, I don’t know what really is happening between you, and I know that Jonghyun didn’t tell me everything about why he won’t take you back now, but there’s something he told me without using words. He loves you, Kibum. He loves you so much that he doesn’t care if it makes you hate him for it; he’s going to do whatever he thinks is best for you. He loves you so much that he’s currently sacrificing himself for whatever the reason is that’s made it to where he hasn’t taken you back yet. This isn’t just a guess Kibum; I can see it in his eyes. I can hear it in his voice when he says your name. You’re all he spoke about, and all he could think about when we were talking together for first time in seven years. Please don’t be angry with him or think he hates you Kibum. He’s still so true and dedicated to you, even though he won’t let anyone know it.” He explained softly, thinking of the way Jonghyun’s eyes looked so regretful as he spoke, and how obvious his love Kibum had been, just by looking at him.
This, however, seemed to be too much for Kibum, and the next thing Jaejoong knew, Kibum’s face went completely red and he closed his eyes as tightly as he could, as he quickly flung himself into his arms, hugging him tightly as he began to cry as if he was guilty of the world’s worst sin. “Hyuuung! I’m so terrible! I’m the worst person in the whole entire world-how could I do that to him!? How could I honestly doubt him? How could I ever consider replacing him? I…I feel so terrible. I feel like the worst person that ever lived. If what you said…i-if what you said is right, and all this time he’s been sacrificing himself for me…and I’ve been ignoring him all day, just to spend time alone with Minho for a little longer….I-I…I’ve already betrayed him, and he’s still looking out for me!? He still loves and cares for me….a-and….a-and I’ve already f-fallen in love with Minho-yah………” He sobbed furiously, causing for Jaejoong to look up with large eyes as he heard the last words, utterly shocked.
“Wh-what!?” Jaejoong asked quickly, pulling Kibum away from him enough to look at him with a completely surprised and confused expression only meeting with Kibum’s tear filled eyes.
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Chapter 31: Forever Or Never
Preview?:
“…If you’re going to do this-if you’re going to act like this with him and give him hope again, you better be serious about it. If you’re going to take him back, you better fucking take him back forever, and NEVER hurt him again, or I’ll NEVER let you touch him again. I’ll NEVER let you near him, if you break his heart one more time!”
“…You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“Minho-yah! I can’t believe you! I can’t believe you’d do that to him! What the hell were you doing!? Do you REALLY think that’s what I wanted!? Don’t you understand me anymore, like you used to?”
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A/N: Well, I'm back. And this time bringing new twists, I hope? And, well, I've got good news! I've finally and ONLY NOW decided who Kibum is going to actually choose, if either!! Be proud, it was as hard for me choose as it was for Kibum. Well...kind of. ANYWAYS, THANKS AGAIN FOR READING, really, you guys make everything so worth it. I loves you guys more than you'd imagine! To all you silent readers who commented last time, YOU ROCK. Any left? Wanna help me out? With each comment, I'm inspired to write faster and better! :D
I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter~ sorry if your bias got dissed or rejected. ;\ The chase isn't over yet though. -~_^-
Thanks again guys, LOVES YOU.