Remember Me!?! Chapter 28: Changes PART ONE: Nightmares
Remember Me!?!
Chapter 28: Changes PART 1 (Nightmares)
Couple: JongKey/MinKey
Genre: ANGST, Drama, Romance, Triangle, Depression
Rated: PG13
Summary: Changes come suddenly, forcing themselves onto the people around them, whether they are ready for it or not. When soft and childish whispers and promises fade away into oncoming nightmares, and the old, but still affective threats push back into the heart, one is only left to act in whatever way the heart truly feels, despite all acts that have been put up against it.
Jonghyun&Kibum: Ages 15 & 14
The summer sunshine shined down brightly upon the green summer grass, causing for the air to be warm and thick around the two boys laying in the sunshine, two heads of blonde and black hair weaving with the green lemon-grass. Hands enlaced with each other’s as the cool blades of grass gave way under them, the warm sun shined down on the soft skin exposed on their legs as their summer shorts did not cover them, two dirty feet from running barefoot in the mud and grass and splashing in and out of the Han River playing against each other, as the blonde boy smiled when the younger stuck his feet in the air to be cooled by the gentle breeze, before raising his foot to knock against the other’s, turning into a lazy game of footsies in the summer air.
Kibum laughed lightly and quietly to himself as he pushed against Jonghyun’s feet to get the funny looking, mud covered appendages away from his clean legs, causing for the slightly shorter legs to fall back into the shady grass, dipping in the mud created from the river’s water, and kept moist by the large tree’s shade. Jonghyun laughed softly next to him, before quickly moving his feet back to the air next to Kibum’s, being sure to take his time to run his muddy big toe across Kibum’s smooth white skin, painting his calf with the cool, brown mud, drawing a happy face on the thin leg.
Kibum laughed a little at the face before making a light whine in protest to be smothered in mud, and quickly moved his leg to wipe the mud off onto Jonghyun’s knee-length camo shorts, earning a first full of soft, tuffy grass to be thrown at him.
“Jjong!” Kibum whined furiously, as he sat up quickly, shaking his head around furiously in hopes of getting the grass out of his clean and neat hair. “Yah, you got it all in my hair! Yah…yah! Stop laughing! It’s not funny!” He snapped quickly, as the blonde just continued to laugh by his side.
Jonghyun laughed again as Kibum fussed on about his hair and desperately began combing his fingers through it, trying his best to get it all out, only to find Jonghyun tugging at another fistful to try to throw it at the younger again.
“Don’t you dare!!” Kibum shouted quickly, as he leaped forwards and grabbed Jonghyun’s arm, pulling it down and away from his precious hair, other hand quickly snatching the pulled hair out of the blonde’s hand.
“Hah!” Kibum shouted contently, as he snagged most of the grass out of Jonghyun’s hand, and quickly used the time where he could hold the stronger boy’s arms back before being overpowered, to throw the small fistful into the other’s face, causing for the blonde to have to try to spit a few stray blades out.
“Alright, that’s it…c’mere!” Jonghyun finally growled as he managed to spit most of the dirt and grass out of his mouth, and quickly lurched forwards to grab the screaming younger boy by the waist and pull him down to lay with him on the soft, green grass.
Kibum squirmed only a little bit, as he was pulled down, but as he laid his head gently against the grass, chin bumping against Jonghyun’s shoulder, and eyes meeting with his best friend’s big, brown eyes, he couldn’t help but allow a soft and content smile to play over his lips.
Jonghyun smiled in response to the soft smile on Kibum’s face, and watched as the shaded shadows from the tree above them played shapes over the pale skin of the younger’s face, hot summer air being pushed between them as he slowly leaned forwards and placed a chaste peck on the thinner boy’s soft lips. He felt the corners of Kibum’s mouth turning upwards, as the younger kissed him back just as lightly, closing his eyes lightly, allowing for heavy eyelashes to flutter against his high cheeks as he continued to rest his head on the soft grass below them.
“Jjong…” Kibum muttered after a moment, as Jonghyun slowly pulled away from his lips before laying on his back again, staring up at the sky with a content smile on his face.
Jonghyun continued to smile up at the sky, but took Kibum’s hand in his own and pulled the younger towards him, until they were fitted together again, and Kibum’s head was lightly rested on his shoulder, one of his thin arms stretching over his chest to hold him even closer. “Hmnn?” He asked lightly, eyelids feeling heavy from the warmth of the summer sun, and the comfort of the one he loved lying close to his side.
Kibum let out a quiet breath before relaxing like Jonghyun was, allowing for his worries to slip away as he lightly let his head fall against Jonghyun’s chest, and wrapped his arms more securely around the older. “I’m so happy right now. I…wish this moment could last forever. That nothing would ever change. That I could spend the rest of my life lying here in the summer sun, your arms around me. Wouldn’t…that be nice? If nothing had to change? If time could stand still right here, and we could be like this forever and forever with no change?” He asked quietly, eyes falling closed as he rested his head against his superman’s chest.
Jonghyun stayed still in Kibum’s arms, as he listened to the younger’s words. “I wish we could stay like this forever too, Bummie. But…you know that everything and everyone must change, right? Even though I wish this moment could stay with me for the rest of my life…I know that we’re going to have to change in the future. I just hope…I hope with all I am, that no matter what happens or what changes happen, you’ll always be here by my side, just like this. No matter what kind of changes there are around us…” He muttered quietly, opening his quiet eyes to glance down at Kibum as he spoke.
Kibum let out a breath and reopened his eyes, resting the side of his face against Jonghyun’s chest more, and stared into nothing as he heard the words, sighing as he realized he had to face reality again, even though it felt so nice to be ignorant and happy there with Jonghyun. “I…know. Believe me, I know more than I want to, that things have to change. I know it’s not possible to stay here forever. I…just hope that in my life, you are the one thing that doesn’t change. I just hope that even though everything will shift around me, that I can still lie here in your arms, and still feel this way, and feel your arms around me.” He muttered quietly, before raising his head and looking Jonghyun in the eyes. “P-promise, Jonghyun? That we’ll never change and that we can stay like this forever? Promise that you’ll always be here, and I’ll always be with you?” He asked hopefully, eyes large.
Jonghyun stopped for a moment before smiling lightly with his soft brown eyes, and wrapped his arms around Kibum again, pulling the younger into his gentle embrace. “I promise I’ll always love you, Kibum. No matter how much the surroundings we are in change. I promise…” He muttered softly in Kibum’s ear.
~*~
Kibum smiled lighter as he heard Jonghyun’s soft and promising words, but couldn’t help but suddenly flinch a little when he felt a strange shift in the area around him. Jonghyun’s embrace suddenly seemed less tight, and the warm sunshine seemed to have stopped being so comfortable, and the sound of the happy people and Han River around them slowly began to fade out. Kibum struggled for a moment, feeling a strange feeling, as if he was sinking, as the air around him suddenly began to feel cold. He wanted so badly to open his eyes quickly to see what was going on around him, but struggled as his eyelids felt as though they were made of lead, and he couldn’t get them open.
“Jjong!” Kibum shouted suddenly, as he felt himself sinking faster, and the coldness around him increased, as he still struggled to get his eyes open. “Jong-Jonghyun! Jonghyun!! H-help! Help me!” He shouted desperately, clutching tightly onto the little solid comfort of Jonghyun in his arms, as if his life depended on it.
“K-Kibum…” It was Jonghyun’s voice, but it seemed as if he was being torn, and it seemed distant and tainted, almost as if it were not real. “Kibum, I can’t stay here with you anymore. I have to go. I have to change for good this time, and so do you. Please let me go…let go of me. Forget me, Kibum. Let go, forget me.” Kibum struggled helplessly to open his eyes as he heard the words, but suddenly, Kibum felt the little comfort of Jonghyun’s arms around him starting to fall away from him, and he was suddenly dropped into some sort of cold fall, as he still struggled to get his eyes open, to try to find where Jonghyun had gone, but couldn’t get them open.
“JJONG! JONGHYUN!? JONGHYUN, COME BACK! JJONG; WHERE ARE YOU!?” Kibum screamed desperately, as he helplessly stretched his aching empty arms out for Jonghyun, but found nothing but empty air as he desperately reached for his best friend and lover. “JONGHYUN!? JJONG!” He cried desperately, but his tears were sharp like ice, cutting down his cheeks.
“Kibum, we can’t live in our childhood forever. We have to grow up. And we have to change. Forget me, Kibum….let me go. Make new beautiful friends and lovers, and live life for today, Kibum. I can’t fulfill my promise…forget me. Let me go and forget me, Kibum…change.” Jonghyun’s voice echoed in the empty and dark abyss as Kibum began falling faster and faster in a seemingly endless fall.
“NO! JONGHYUN! JONGHYUN, COME BACK!! J-JJONG! DON’T LET GO OF ME! C-COME BACK! JONGHYUN, YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME! JJONG! JONGHYUN!!” Kibum screamed as loudly as he could, but all traces of Jonghyun seemed to be gone, besides the quiet echo of his soft words whispering again and again, “forget me”.
Kibum continued fighting as hard as he could, flailing his arms and legs desperately to try to stop himself from falling for eternity, as he reached and grabbed at the empty and cold air around him, praying and praying that he might just catch a hold of Jonghyun’s hand, to help pull him back. He tried to scream again, tried to shout out and catch Jonghyun’s attention again, but the air around him was cold as ice, slowly freezing him from inside, and so thin that even as he gasped, his lungs could not be filled with air enough to make a single noise. All he could do is try to cry, body becoming too weak to try to reach for Jonghyun anymore, and yet, not even having enough oxygen in Jonghyun’s absence to make noise or even breathe.
As Kibum lost all strength to fight anymore, he fell limp and allowed himself to fall; feeling the all-too-familiar feeling of being strengthless and frozen inside, as he had from the day Jonghyun had left him alone in the snow. As he lost the very last of all hope, and even allowed himself to stop trying to breathe, he suddenly found his eyes falling open weakly, and all he could do is continue to stay limp as he watched the silhouette of Jonghyun’s back turned to him, walking away from him and leaving him alone.
Kibum’s lungs stung and burned in their icy pain as they desperately heaved and begged for oxygen, but no matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t bring himself to take a breath, as he watched Jonghyun’s back silhouette disappear from him forever.
It had been like this, every single night for the last four years of Kibum’s solitary life. Ever since the night Jonghyun had first left him, he had been left falling alone through a frozen abyss without any hope of being saved again. Would his sad nightmares never change? Would he always spend every night of his life falling away from a sweet memory between the one and only true love of his life and himself, and never be saved? Kibum would have sooner wanted to die than to suffer through the same hell every single night, and yet, something seemed to be keeping him from giving up completely. Something was weighing him back down to suffering through life on this cruel earth. Was it really just the hope of one day being in Jonghyun’s embracing arms again, and feeling the love his heart so desperately cried for every night? Or was it….
Something suddenly pushed into Kibum’s line of vision, leaving the helpless boy to stare unbelievingly in front of him, as the image of another being suddenly pushed into and through the cold darkness that surrounded him, and the next thing he knew; Kibum had been stopped from falling, and the warmth of someone’s hand was spreading through his frozen skin, warming his icy heart, and defrosting it. Kibum was slowly defrosted inside, but said nothing, as he stared wordlessly at the one in front of him. Stared at the change in his every-night nightmare, and was saved from falling.
“Trust me…” Minho whispered, as he pulled Kibum close to him, wrapping secure arms around him, and stopping all fear and tears from falling from his eyes. “Don’t cry, Kibum-Key. It’s okay. It’s okay to change. I’ll be here with you. Just let me. Just trust me.” Was all Minho whispered, before there was a sudden flash, and all around him disappeared.
~~~~
Kibum gasped sharply as he sat up in his bed quickly, a cold sweat running down his forehead, as he panted heavily and looked around the moonlit dark room after being released from his nightmare. He had had a dream similar to that nightmare every night for the last four years, and yet, now he was left so confused. All the times before, he had just continued to fall into his abyss and watch as Jonghyun just stayed right beyond his reach, telling him over and over that they could not be together again. He would spend the entirety of the dream in the darkness, without being able to breathe or even cry, and that was how all nights had passed since Jonghyun had left the sixteen-year-old. So why? Why, all of a sudden, did even his dreams change? Why had, suddenly, Minho appeared? Why was he wrapped into Minho’s comforting arms, and his heart felt rescued and relieved? Why…why hadn’t it been Jonghyun? And why did his heart stop longing for Jonghyun’s arms, and only for Minho’s? Kibum could only continue to sit on the bed, chest raising and falling quickly as he stared into nothing, trying to figure out the changes in the dream that most reflected his heart.
Suddenly, however, Kibum’s thoughts were interrupted by the soft feeling of two strong arms securely wrapping themselves around his waist, and the gentleness of Minho’s chest being pressed against his shaking back.
“Shh. It’s okay Key. I’m here.”Minho whispered softly, as Kibum could do nothing more than just to fall into his dearest friend’s arms, and be laid back down softly onto the bed, being embraced and comforted by the taller boy.
“Key…you alright? Are you okay?” Minho whispered softly, as Kibum said nothing, but settled into his arms, Minho’s fingers combing their way through his slightly sweaty hair sweetly, warm arms and blankets covering their combined bodies.
Kibum only stayed quiet for another moment, before slowly shifting his eyes back into Minho’s large and shiny eyes. “I-I…” He started, as he thought of the strange and different feeling inside of him. Normally, when he woke in the night after a nightmare, he was scared and shaking, crying his eyes out, and desperately calling for Jonghyun to return to his side. But…this time…he was just…fine. Perfectly fine, actually. “I…I am. I’m okay. M-Minho-yah…” He started, slowly moving his hand up to touch Minho’s face gently.
~~~~~
Jonghyun groaned quickly, as he flipped over in his bed, burying his face into his pillows, kicking off his blankets and pulling at his hair to try to get himself to either wake up or fall asleep. To be able to do something to escape this strange hell he had been kicked into so harshly, and yet, nothing seemed to be saving him.
He was standing there, wherever there was, surrounded by darkness, and right in front of him was the perfectly visible image of Kibum. Not Kibum as he sees him every day when he comes into his dorm in the mornings, but his Kibum. The Kibum he had known to be his best friend, baby and lover before he had been forced to tear himself away from him, four years ago. Still wrapped in his youth, innocence and purity, before him stood the sixteen-year-old he had left behind so many years before, precious crystal tears falling down his pale cheeks, as he continued to stand in front of Jonghyun, his eyes on him.
“Wh-why, Jonghyun? Wh-why did you have to leave? O-or not even why did you leave, b-but why did you leave me the way you did? Why would you suddenly disappear from me, and never contact me again the way that you did? Do you have any idea how scared I am without you? How much you break my heart every night, when I wake up alone-just like the morning I first woke up alone, knowing that you were gone? Do you the slightest idea how badly I wanted to end it all? Any idea how I was so convinced that being crushed by the rocks at the bottom of a bridge in the middle of the winter would be better than suffering through this world without you, knowing that you abandoned me!? Do you have any idea how much it still hurts me to be here? To suffer through the worst hell, and yet still live, just for YOU? To deal with all the depression, discrimination, criticism and pain, only to be rejected by you again? How hard it is to keep fighting for you, when all you do is break my already broken heart? You have no idea!”
Jonghyun struggled as the words twisted his heart and nearly suffocated him. Whether this was a dream or not, how could it be said like that? Kibum didn’t know about the pain he was going through either! But…more important than that…how could he hear those words without the guilt in his chest building up so highly that he was nearly suicidal again? Yes, damn it, again. When he had been torn away from Kibum’s side four years ago, when all he could hear in his ears as he drove away from Seoul, away from his life and love of Kibum and all he had ever known, to go to a new and unknown place, where he knew nothing and no one, were the soft sobs and whispers he had shared with the one he loved more than life itself, and the threats of that very person’s mother, who he had known for seventeen years already, threatening him that if he ever went near that very precious person again, she would file a restraining order against him, how could he not consider suicide? However, the image of Kibum in front of him seemed unforgiving of his pain, and now only stared at him with cold eyes, seeming to change into a bitter and scornful image, stealing Jonghyun’s words from his mouth, and making his mouth dry, and eyes burn with tears.
“Why Jonghyun? Why can’t you just seem to let me go? You refuse to take me back, and yet you just can’t just seem to let me live on without you either? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be torn between those two? Loving you, but not being loved in return, and yet, not allowed to hate or be hated? What am I supposed to feel, Jonghyun? What am I supposed to do, when I have what SHOULD be my future right in front of me, but I turn my mind away from the feelings I should be feeling for HIM because of YOU? When I feel his arms around me, and I know that the future I should have, want and fucking DESERVE is with him, and yet I deny myself of the happiness I know he’d give me because of YOU? Because I’m stupid and keep thinking that one day, you’ll just come back to my side, and stupidly I believe that everything can be the way it used to be? Why am I so stupid, Jjong? All because you just won’t completely let me go. Well, it’s gotta change, Jonghyun. Something’s got to change, because at this rate, we’ll both kill ourselves trying to ignore the fact that things can never be the way they used to be, ever, ever again. We have to change, Jonghyun. Both of us. Unfortunately, it’s only up to you to find out how it is. You decide, because now I am too weak to do so myself. Now I am too hurt to try, but too scared to give up.”
Jonghyun felt tears falling from his eyes as he continued to stand paralyzed. He wanted so badly to reach out and touch Kibum in front of him, whether it was the real Kibum or not. He just needed to feel the one he had loved for as long as he remembered in his arms again, regardless of what he was threatened with, or what he allowed and wouldn’t allow himself to feel. He just needed Kibum. His Kibum, not the angry and scornful image of Kibum in front of him, but the real Kibum he had spent the entirety of his life loving. But, the Kibum in front of him only stared hatefully at him before slowly disappearing from him, and Jonghyun was suddenly released from his dream.
~~~
Jonghyun shot out of his bed quickly, muscles flinching and aching desperately for something he knew he could not reach, heart pounding harder than it had for years, as a hot and bothersome sweat covered and slipped over his entire body. Only once in his life he had been so terrified, and he knew that if he had not had someone to stop him he wouldn’t have had the chance to ever feel so terrified again. He knew he couldn’t just stay where he was, stay alone and try to deal with this pain himself-but no matter how much his heart pulled him towards the dorm next-door to his, his brain yanked him cruelly back to being alone. And so he was left, all alone in the darkness of his bedroom, painful memories gnawing away at his already weak heart, entire heart and body pulling him towards where he knew his Kibum was sleeping soundly across the next wall-so close and yet so, so far away from his reach, same menacing words eating at his soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Kim Jonghyun: Age 17
“Kim Jonghyun, I know about your relationship with Kibum. And I know what you did to him the night you left. So I’m going to say this, and I’m only going to say this once. You get the hell out of his life. You stay away from my son, no matter if it kills you! I don’t give a fuck what kind of stupid feelings you think you have for him, you’re NOT going to fuck up his life anymore than you already have! I swear to you, Kim Jonghyun, that if there is ever a time where you touch my son again, I will have you arrested for statutory rape, regardless if you were still seventeen when you had sex with him. I promise, Kim Jonghyun, if you ever come back into Kibum’s life, I will file a restraining order against you, and have you arrested, as well as disown my son. What is more important to you? Your relationship with him, or the well being of his life?”
The words were cold and sharp, digging into Jonghyun’s heart like a knife, turning over and over in his head, causing for his entire brain and body to ache with their harshness. With the words prying at his heart in the way that they were, he couldn’t begin to even try to function. He had been in Daegu for four weeks and one day, and already, he felt as if his world was suddenly caving in with the lack of his Kibum. He didn’t know what had happened back in Seoul, where his Kibum was, or what he was doing, but all he could do is imagine what his parents had done to him after finding out about their relationship together. The guilt and worry was enough to kill him inside, and no matter how many times he called Kibum’s mobile, he found that his number had been blocked from his phone. Did Kibum truly hate him? He had every right to, after the way he had left him that morning. But, no matter how many rivers, lakes and oceans could be filled with the tears Jonghyun had shed the last time he had seen the sleeping angel before he was forced to leave his side, he knew that there was no other way he would have been able to tear himself from his side, if Kibum had been awake at the time. He wished, only just wished and prayed and begged with all that he was, was that he could see Kibum just one more time. Just to see a picture or see him from afar, just to know that he was alright. To see whether or not he hated him as much as Jonghyun hated himself.
Within the first two weeks of being in Daegu, Jonghyun had sent Kibum four different letters of apologies, and wrote more than twenty. He had even written the other a song, as well as a recording of him singing it, wishing that Kibum would somehow forgive him for his sudden departure, and promising his return as soon as his mother had settled into their new home, and had anxiously awaited for Kibum’s reply every single day since. But, as weeks passed by, and there was no sign of Kibum forgiving him, and his number had been blocked from Kibum’s phone, Jonghyun felt his strength leaving him. Kibum hated him. Truly hated him. The one who he had loved more than life from the very moment he had seen the little baby, and spent the entire of his life protecting and cherishing, hated him more than anything, and he could tell it. There would be no other reason why Kibum would ignore him so completely for so long…
.....Or so Jonghyun thought, until, finally, one day a letter from Kibum’s address was in his mailbox, and Jonghyun had allowed himself to smile widely again, and to believe that there was a chance to be loved and forgiven again from the one he cherished so much. That was, until he opened the letter, and saw neatly, yet hastily written harsh words that would tear at his heart for the rest of his existence.
The woman he had spent most all his life with, the one he viewed as his second mother, the mother of the one who is most precious in his eyes: threatening him, and forcing him away from the one he loved more than anything else in the world. He not only felt betrayed and heartbroken, but, he was forced with the worst and hardest decision he had ever had to make before in his life: to try to fight and be with Kibum again, and risk his life’s happiness, destroy his relationship with his family, and force him away from his entire life as he knew it….or to pretend to abandon and forget all about the love of his life? How could he choose the latter?
~~~
It was January, and Daegu was a little bit warmer than Seoul in the winter, and that was just enough to keep Jonghyun alive. Two days after he had received the letter from Kibum’s mother, and had finally forced himself to make up his mind, he had stopped trying to keep himself warm from the harsh winter’s winds and rains. He would sit outside in the thunder and lightning, staring up and talking to the hidden stars, wondering and wondering if they could possibly relay his confessions to Kibum. He stopped sleeping at night and only stared at the boxes and boxes full of pictures that he had of the younger boy, writing letters he knew he would never be allowed to send, and singing songs with his broken heart, every sad and longing lyric reminiscing about or begging for Kibum’s presence. And, finally, he had given up eating. What was the point of eating anymore? He had no strength left, and what did he need it for, if he was no longer Kibum’s superman? He wondered if there was even any point in keeping himself alive.
By the first month that he had been in Daegu, Jonghyun had become just barely the shadow of the healthy, active and nearly grown teenage boy he used to be. His brightly colored blonde hair had began to get too bright for him, and he dyed it black and stopped cutting it. The muscles he had gained from working out in the gym as Kibum would read him English vocabulary words were underused and slowly began to become smaller, as his body began to shrivel and weaken from the lack of nutrients he should have been getting from food. His pale skin lost its tan, and there were always bags under his swollen eyes from lack of sleep, and loss of tears. He was nearly a walking skeleton, by the time his mother finally couldn’t take any more and forced him to see a life-coach and counseling. It was then, that Jonghyun had first met Tiffany, whose brother was the therapist in charge of taking care of Jonghyun. And though at first, the older girl annoyed Jonghyun more than anything, he one day learned something: she knew Jessica.
Through Tiffany, Jonghyun had finally found a way to learn about Kibum. He would go over to Tiffany’s house, where she would call Jessica, and sent her money over the mail to send him things about Kibum. Like how he continued on with leaning how to dance, starting a few months after Jonghyun had left. And how he had finally returned to school after three months of being out (Tiffany wasn’t sure why he had been out), and, even, a picture every now and again, and that was enough for Jonghyun to try to survive.
~~~~~~
It had been five months. Five terrible and agonizing months since the day where Jonghyun had last seen Kibum’s beautiful face in anything but a blurry picture from Jessica, and had last held the one he viewed as his world in his arms. Jonghyun had no idea how it was that he had managed to survive for this long, and only had to have food stuffed down his throat or visit the hospital a few times. Whether it was the thought that Kibum’s mother would suddenly change her mind, and allow for him to return to his Kibum’s side, or the hope that he wouldn’t allow himself to consciously wish for, that Kibum would suddenly show up at his doorstep after running away, that kept him fighting, or just that death wasn’t ready for him; Jonghyun had no more strength, and was ready to give up.
It was May, finally, and Jonghyun stood alone outside of the small porch area of the small gazebo overlooking a river, where he visited when he wrote songs for Kibum. Tonight it warm, and the air around him was thick with the scent of spring fading into summer, but Jonghyun felt cold. Tonight was not just a normal night; tonight, miles and miles north from him, was Kim Kibum’s high school graduation night. The night where his Kibum became less of a kid, and more of an upcoming adult, starting his life on his own to do as he pleased. As well as the night where Jessica Jung would no longer be in contact with him, and therefore, Jonghyun would no long have any way of checking up on him. Tonight, Kibum left behind everyone he had spent high school with, all of his and Jonghyun’s mutual and separate friends. Where he became an adult on his own, and no longer a high school student. Where he could make choices and life-long promises of his own.
Jonghyun swallowed the growing lump in his throat, as he thought this night over and over again, as he might had done a year ago, when it was his own graduation. This was the night, as Jonghyun had planned exactly a year ago as he made wishes on shooting starts as he laid in the abandoned football-field with Kibum snuggled in his arms, that, on this night, he was supposed to wear the best tux that he could afford, buy the best flowers he could find, take out the old and crummy gumball-machine ring he had had stuffed on his finger twelve years prior, and get on his knees before the love of his life-and beg for him to marry him, so that when they grow older and older, they could still stay just as close, and, finally, he could fulfill the twelve year old promise he had been forced to make on that sunny day so he could eat his picnic.
But as the still-painful words and reality of Kibum’s mother’s threats played over and over in his head, Jonghyun felt his heart falling. As the thought that he was sure that Kibum already hated him more than anything, and that the one he loved so much had already moved on and became happy without him began to play on his mind, and as the fact that he had nothing anymore to offer Kibum but his unconditional love, and a rough life with the hatred of his family, and the pain of being disowned, returned to him, Jonghyun realized that no matter what he did, there would never be a way where he could fulfill that little promise that had filled his dreams from the point that he was old enough to really realize what marriage meant. Tears pushed their harsh way into his eyes, and he realized, that no matter how much he still loved Kibum, his life would be spent without him. And that he was no longer the superman he had always been to him-nothing but a faded memory.
Jonghyun had no strength left and his closed his eyes tightly, tears pouring off his cheeks harder and faster, as hands uneasily trembled over a small knife he had secretly brought with him. What was life worth living if he was to spend the rest of it alone, missing and secretly loving Kibum, only to be hated by him for the image of him abandoning him having been made by his mother? What was the point of his life, if all his love for Kibum did was threaten Kibum’s life with his family? He was nothing without Kibum, but with him, he was nothing more than a burden. If he lived his life without Kibum, he would continue to be alone and broken, and he really wondered if he could survive without even knowing if Kibum was doing alright, but if he went back to him, Kibum would be disowned, and his life would be ruined because of him. He had nothing left, no strength to make the decision, and nothing to comfort or even distract him from his loneliness, so what was the point? He slowly raised the knife in trembling fingers, when, all of a sudden, there was a noise behind him.
“Jonghyun?” A soft, feminine voice said from behind him, causing for Jonghyun to jump and accidently drop the knife off of the edge of the gazebo, falling into the water below him.
Tiffany looked closer at Jonghyun’s back as she walked closer to the boy, not noticing the object that fell from his hands, into the water, and only focusing on the one she had had a crush on, since her brother had began giving him therapy.
Jonghyun tried to swallow and stop the pain from stabbing his chest, harder and sharper than the knife ever could have, as he heard the slightly annoying voice behind him. He knew that if she saw him crying, she would never leave him alone enough to finish what he was going to do before she interrupted him. He was about to wipe the tears from his eyes, when something suddenly struck his mind, and the words of Kibum’s mother played again in his mind.
“You are going to forget all about what you and Kibum have done with each other, and you’re going to be straight and normal and have a girlfriend, and then, he’ll understand that what you two shared was nothing but the confusion of horny teenage hormones. Then you’ll both understand, Jonghyun. Then you’ll both be normal and right, and perhaps things shall be forgiven.”
Jonghyun stopped completely as he thought over the words over and over again. If he listened to her, if he turned around and begged for Tiffany to stay with him, if he made her his girlfriend…would Kibum’s mother forgive him enough just to see Kibum for one last time? Would she allow him to see Kibum just one more time, to hold him in his arms and tell him he was sorry and that he’d love him forever despite the fact that they would never be able to be together? If he sacrificed his physical being to be in a relationship with Tiffany, wouldn’t Kibum’s mother just allow for Jonghyun to be in Kibum’s life-even just watching from afar?
Kim Jonghyun: Age 20
Jonghyun dropped his head against his knees, which were brought up to his chest, as he hugged them close. It was true, so true, when he thought about it. The very thing he used to swear was a reason why he could never take Kibum back; he had only taken in as a result of wanting to distract himself from the pain of missing him. Was it the fact that he loved Tiffany as a girlfriend of almost four years the reason he couldn’t ignore her for his building feelings for Kibum-or was it, that without her to fall on, if Kibum rejected him now, he’d have absolutely nothing? That without Kibum in his life, he had nothing but distractions?
Jonghyun trembled uncontrollably as he dropped his head against his knees and shook under his blanket, for he was now suddenly freezing cold. Somewhere, he could still hear the voice from his dream, still see the cold eyes of the image of Kibum he had seen before, same anger in his beloved’s beautiful face.
“Why Jonghyun? Why can’t you just seem to let me go? You refuse to take me back, and yet you just can’t just seem to let me live on without you either? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be torn in between those two? Loving you, but not being loved in return, and yet, not allowed to hate or be hated?”
It was true. No matter how hard Jonghyun had tried over the course of the last four years-not even after Kibum’s mother had refused to let him see him; even after he had shown her that he now had a perfectly straight relationship with a girl-had he ever been able to let go of Kibum. And he knew then, that he never would. He would never be able to forget him, never be able to let him go. Never be able to hate him, even if Kibum comes to hate his guts. Never be able to stop loving him-even as he notices the way that in front of him, Minho begins to play a bigger part in Kibum’s life. The words in his dream return to him. Over and over again. Words he never consciously would have let himself think, but had feared from the very moment he first saw Minho standing next to Kibum. What…what would happen to him, and what would he do then, what would he fall back on-if Kibum was suddenly to leave him…leave him behind, and forget him, for Minho?
What would Jonghyun do, if Kibum actually did what was best for him? If he actually went to the one who deserved to be the lover of someone as beautiful and perfect as Kibum? Minho had been with him in all the times when Jonghyun should have. Minho had been there with him, and had never hurt him the way Jonghyun had. He had never caused Kibum pain, or made him cry, and even Jonghyun knew that he loved him. He could see it in his eyes the day when they had come into their dorm to give them jello and cake-that was why he had screamed so loudly and got so furious. Because he was afraid. Jonghyun understood now. It was because he was so damn afraid of what would happen if Kibum noticed Minho’s feelings and rightfully turned and gave him all the love and attention he was still trying to give to him. He was so damn afraid of, now that Kibum had come back into his life, having to turn and leave him behind again, because he knew he could not do it. He was so afraid of losing that smiling face and that beautiful heart who he had loved for so long for a second time. He was so damn afraid of his heart breaking again, and having nothing that could stop that knife from being fitted into his trembling hands again.
Jonghyun could feel his heart throbbing, and empty arms aching desperately to hold one thing close and tightly against his chest, and he knew exactly what that one thing was, and how that every sense he had in his head brought him back to the threats and words of Kibum’s mother, and yet, how his body pulled him closer and closer to that closed door, and the small dorm right next to it.
~~~~~
Kibum had all but fallen asleep again, as he lied comfortably at Minho’s side, his strong arms wrapped around his waist, Minho’s long fingers running softly through his bangs, his own arms wrapped around the other’s long torso, and hands playing with the short strands of hair that were brushing against the taller boy’s forehead, as he was comforted and lured back into sleep after waking from his nightmare.
Kibum felt his breathing settle and slow down, as Minho gave him one more handsome and assuring smile, which made him know everything was alright, before slowly closing his eyes, and allowing for his head to rest against Minho’s chest, listening to the steady heartbeat. As much as his dream had confused him, he was safe and comfortable right then, wrapped tightly in Minho’s arms, and, he almost felt as if he wouldn’t rather have been anywhere else at the moment.
Suddenly, however, there was a sudden and loud knocking noise coming from the other room, where the door was, and Kibum’s newly-closed eyes snapped open. Minho opened his eyes as well, as his large hand securely ran down Kibum’s back and pulled him a little closer against his sturdy chest for a moment, as he stared towards the door. Kibum stayed in his arms, but looked over his shoulder towards where the knocking had come from.
“Wh-what was that…? It sounded like knocking…” Kibum whispered softly after a moment, as a moment passed in silence without any further knockings on the door.
Minho kept his arms around Kibum, but didn’t take his eyes off of the door, until they suddenly heard another noise of hasty knocking, this time louder and almost desperate. “St-stay here, Key. I’ll go open it, and see who it is. It’s definitely someone outside…” He started, but was stopped from getting up, when Kibum suddenly wiggled from his arms, and quickly made his way out of the bed.
“No, its okay, Minho-yah. You have soccer practice tomorrow, and need sleep. I’ve already woken you up when you should be sleeping. I’ll see who it is. I-I’m sure it’s nothing.” Kibum answered quickly, as he made his way towards the door, before Minho could protest.
Minho quickly pushed his way out of the bed as well and followed Kibum from behind. “W-wait. Key, let me do it. It may be dangerous….” He started, but was silenced when Kibum suddenly opened the door, and before either of them could take a breath, a sobbing Jonghyun had wrapped his arms securely around Kibum, and pulled the younger boy so closely and tightly, that the younger struggled to breathe.
Kibum’s eyes went wide as he was yanked and pulled tightly against his best friend’s chest, and the next thing he knew, one of Jonghyun’s hands was gently set on the back of his head, and his head against the older boy’s shoulder in a tight embrace like what they might have shared the night that Jonghyun had left him four years ago. Although Kibum’s heart thudded in his chest, and his brain hurt with the confusion as to why Jonghyun was suddenly in his dorm, holding him as tightly and as closely as he could, at four in the morning, but all he could do was position himself in the other’s arms, and wrap his arms around the sobbing superman he had not been embraced by for so long. Something about the way Jonghyun was holding him, and the soft cries that escaped his lips brought him right back to the night where they had first separated, and all his strength was gone. All he did was allow for warm tears to build up in his own eyes, as he dropped his head against Jonghyun’s shoulder.