The Times I Love You The Most (Perfection)

[shinetae]

The Times I Love You The Most (Perfection)
Couple: JongKey
Genre: Romance, Fluff, CHEESE
Rated: G!
Disclaimer: I do not own SHINee....sadly....
Warnings: FLUFFY CHEESE OF A SOFT, WARM AND FLUFFY DEATH. (It's really cheesey).
Summary: Jonghyun writes a song to remind Kibum of all the times that he loves him the most. (CHEESEY)


KEY: For every * symbol you see, there is a link proving the adorable cuteness of Kim Kibummie.

The early January light shined through the windows of the small dorm, letting in the little light that was left before dusk, making the silent bedroom all but to the point where a light should have been turned on in order for anyone to see properly, and not to stub one’s toes on the endless amount of junk the two oldest had thrown all over the bedroom floor. However, even if it was pitch black outside, and the room was nothing but a thick blanket of darkness, the one living soul in the bedroom would not have turned even the smallest of lights on to keep himself from running into anything and possibly hurting himself, because turning on a light would risk the chances of him being caught by the mirror, and being caught by the mirror means that he would be able to catch a glimpse of himself, and see his reflection-a reflection showing himself just how unhappy and unsatisfied with himself he really was.

It was a little after 6:00pm, and there was still at least a few hours until the other members of his band should be returning home, leaving the last and lone member to stay at home alone and wallow in his own self-disliking. He tried to stay strong and positive, he really did, but when he was all alone and had no one to put on an act for, he suddenly caught a glimpse of himself and slowly began to realize just how short of the man he wanted to be he really was. It was January, the start of a new year, a new 2011, and the year 2010 was already far behind him. It was not until he got home alone, with no schedule the next day to worry about, and no bandmates with him to make dinner for, that he actually got a chance to look at the SHINee 2011 wall calendar posted on the wall realize that another year had already come and went, and he had barely changed from who he was a year ago. He realized that he had barely even started on any of his resolutions he had made for 2010, let alone accomplished any of them. He had in no way become any better than he was the year before then, or even the year before that, and the self decided lack of personal progress was enough to drive him insane, pushing into a self-loathing state of mind. All he could think was the same negative thoughts of “Kim Kibum, you are a failure” over and over again in his head.

It hadn’t really helped that the day behind him had already been one of the very worst days he had had for a very long time. He woke up that morning on the wrong side of the bed, and a crick in the neck that no matter how many times he massaged it, he could not get out. Then, only a few moments of being awake, after missing a step on the ladder of his top bunk of the bunk-beds and almost falling to his death, he burnt his hand on the stove while making breakfast. Then, as he was trying to pour some milk so the little maknae would develop strong bones and teeth when he grew up, Minho had called Taemin for a moment at the very wrong time, and he moved the cup, causing for Kibum to pour the milk right onto his favorite pair of pants. He had to take a shower immediately after that and change out of his jeans, and by the time he had finally finished cleaning himself again, he only had ten minutes to get ready to leave. Not to mention, he had forgotten to grab himself a towel before going into the shower, and had to helplessly call desperately for anyone to come rescue him and bring him a towel, resulting on him having to rely on no other than Kim Jonghyun to bring him one and try not to look at him as he cracked open the door just enough for Kibum to snatch it away quickly, causing for the older boy to laugh loudly at Kibum’s blushing face before slipping out of the front door having to leave for a full day of having to wrap up activities with SM The Ballad.

Oh…wait…Kim Jonghyun. Yes, how could Kibum forget to mention Kim Jonghyun on his lists of things he hated about himself recently, and add to how his day was turned horrible? How could he forget to mention the one who made his life so miserable and yet so wonderful at the same time? Let’s see, what was the worst thing about Kim Jonghyun at the current moment? Perhaps the fact that he had a crazy-huge crush on his best friend for the last four years? Maybe…or, wait, maybe the fact that every year, he had made a New Year’s resolution to tell him and after four years he still hasn’t told him yet? Maybe it was the fact that Jonghyun just seemed to be oblivious to his emotions? Maybe it was the fact that no matter what Kibum did, he never thought that he was good enough for the perfect older boy. Maybe it was the fact that their company had suddenly just placed Jonghyun in a subgroup and he had seen his crush about five times that week when he was not sleeping. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that Jonghyun had all of a sudden started talking more and more about someone he called “his ideal type” or “dream girl”, and that she was so much more beautiful, cute and elegant that Kibum could ever dream of becoming. Oh, yeah, it could very well be that one.

So, as Kibum continued to bury his head under his blanket in the dark bedroom, he began doing exactly what he had been doing all day: comparing himself to Jonghyun’s “Dream Girl” Shin Se Kyung. He didn’t want to think about it, but not matter what he did, he still found himself off in a daze thinking over and over about the day that Jonghyun will suddenly come home and announce the perfect girl as his girlfriend, and the perfectness that she was and how short he came of it. And so it was that when he was performing just a little bit of Lucifer with the other three members that afternoon, his mood was so different, and his mind was so busy thinking of Jonghyun and how perfect he was, and how he deserved someone as perfect as Jonghyun was to be his partner, he nearly missed his part of the song, and ended up with a terrible voice crack as he tried to shift his voice and mood towards the feel of the song, rather than sad and lost in thought as he was really feeling. And if he didn’t already feel ditsy, he even messed up a step while performing Tara’s Bo Peep Bo Peep with Jokwon (a dance he knew by heart), and ended up feeling like and ugly idiot afterwards, all he could do was hide his head in his knees once they got backstage (Jinki’s comment of “It’s okay, Key! Everyone has their clumsy days! We could make a Kibum-Sangtae too if you want!!” didn’t really help Kibum feel any less like a clumsy idiot).

When finally performances and photoshoots (those didn’t go too well either, Kibum’s hair refused to cooperate with the stylist Noona) were over, Kibum was already so exhausted and self-loathing that he immediately declined the invitation by the other three members that they should all go out and get dinner together (“You three go and have fun, and stop pouting like that, Taemin. Eomma’s alright. I’m just tired.” He had explained before leaving to go home and wallow in self-pity on his own). And, thus, Kibum was left alone in the dorm, flinching and pouting and gagging at every sight he caught of himself in the mirrors before rushing to the bathroom to try doing everything to himself he could to try to get himself to look bearable by his own standards, and ended up burning his forehead with his hair straightener. And with the burn on his forehead and the prickling of the uncomfortable feeling of how hard he had scrubbed his face, hoping it would make it prettier in his eyes, the tears slowly started to come to him as he quietly made his way into the bedroom, covering himself completely with his blanket as he watched the room turn dark around him, closing his eyes tightly and sobbing quietly in his self-loathing, not wanting to be like this anymore.

~L~L~L~J

It was a little after 7:00pm by the time there was any light brought into the small dorm, as the door was opened by a certain Kim Jonghyun, who remained silent as he began to look around him, eyes scanning the small apartment silently as he didn’t even turn his gaze to his feet as he stepped out of his white Reeboks and walked into the room. “This is weird…” He muttered as he looked in the kitchen, not seeing any movement or plates of food in the kitchen, not smelling anything either.

“…Where is he?” Jonghyun as he walked into the living room of the dorm, noticing the TV turned off, and no lights on in the bathroom. “He couldn’t have gone to sleep yet. We don’t even have a schedule tomorrow…” He added, as he opened the door to the computer room and found it empty as well. “…Maybe he’s reading in the bedroom?” He thought, and began to make his way towards the bedroom until something suddenly caught his eye in the little light he had left turned on in the kitchen. It was the entryway mirror; a shirt flung over it so that if someone was to look at it, there was no way that they could see their face.

Jonghyun stopped and looked at it for a long moment before slowly taking the shirt off of the mirror. Aside from this shirt being there, the dorm was still completely spotless from when Kibum had cleaned it up before he left that morning. Not to mention, Jonghyun immediately recognized the shirt that was in his hands to be one of Kibum’s favorites that no-one else was allowed to touch because Kibum had always said it fitted his body well and he didn’t want anybody to stretch it. Kibum would never leave his things thrown all over the place in their dorm-he always screamed at everyone else for just not putting their shoes in the right boxes in the entry way. There was definitely something going on with his little Bummie, he knew it. He only had to poke his head into the bathroom and flip the light on for a second to see that the bathroom mirror had something of Kibum’s flung over it, blocking himself from seeing his face as he looked in it. Jonghyun released a soft breath as he looked down at the small shirt in his hands and rubbed it lightly. He knew of Kibum’s occasional insecurities with himself-how could he not? He had been his best friend for four years, and had already loved him from the day they met. He sighed quietly before slowly turning off the bathroom lightly and thoughtfully made his way to the bedroom.

As Jonghyun slowly pushed open the door to the bedroom, allowing for the light from the kitchen to flow into the dark room, he frowned sadly, upon finding Kibum exactly how he had feared he would find him. Wrapped up under his blanket, completely covered and just a sobbing lump under the bed, only moving enough to breathe as his thin and lithe shoulders shook with every aching sob he took. With the blanket over his head, and the sound of his sobbing filling his ears, Kibum didn’t even notice as Jonghyun opened and door, and wouldn’t have had any clue about his presence if not for the older one’s soft and comforting whisper interrupting Kibum’s sob’s noise.

“Kibummie,” Jonghyun said quietly and comfortingly as he slowly shut the door behind him and walked over to the bed slowly, noticing the way Kibum flinched as he felt the bed sink on one side as Jonghyun sat down next to him. “Bummie…what’s the matter? Will you talk to me?” Jonghyun asked quietly again.

Kibum only held his breath, trying to stop himself from sobbing about how much he hated himself, but as he suddenly thought about how pitiful it was to wallow alone and sob one’s eyes out with nothing but self-pity was, and how Shin Se Kyung probably never would have done something like that, he only felt worse and pulled the blanket tighter over his body to hide himself, and shaking his head as Jonghyun asked him softly if he would talk to him.

Jonghyun sighed again quietly as Kibum refused to speak and the soft sobs of the younger boy only kept sounding under the blankets. He knew that Kibum was stubborn and always too embarrassed to allow for anyone to see him cry, so he simply did as he had to, slowly taking the blanket from on top Kibum’s head and pulling it away from the younger boy (who whined miserably with protest), before slowly wrapping an arm around the thin boy and pulling him up to look him in the eyes again.

Kibum struggled weakly in Jonghyun’s sturdy arms as the older pulled him away from his blanket coverings, and turned him around to force him to face him again, but refused to allow himself to look in the soft chocolate puppy-eyes that were playing over his face softly, staring at his tears, and probably silently judging him for crying like a baby because of self-pity. The thought only made Kibum feel even more terrible. Jonghyun must find him so pathetic crying over things he couldn’t change about himself, because he overall was nothing but a piece of shit. A useless piece of shit. He was sure that Jonghyun felt the same, and tried not to pay attention to the gentleness the older boy used as he softly wiped the tears away from Kibum’s swollen and puffy, red eyes.

“Hmnn, Bummie, what’s the matter? Why are you crying all alone like this?” Jonghyun’s soft and light voiced asked after a long moment, as Kibum continued to look away from him, his self-hate only multiplying as he avoided Jonghyun’s big eyes.

Jonghyun frowned again as tears only kept falling from Kibum’s already puffy eyes, trailing over his cheeks, catching the little light of the full moon that the room’s blinds allowed to come in, showing the steady tracks flowing down the beautiful smooth skin under them. Jonghyun softened his grasp on Kibum’s shoulders and slowly took one hand to tip up Kibum’s chin gently, making the younger boy to finally share eye contact. “Bummie. Talk to me. People say that beautiful people aren’t allowed to cry alone, so why are you this way?” He asked softly, pushing a few more tears from Kibum’s cheeks.

Kibum’s lips trembled desperately at these words as they came from Jonghyun’s mouth, and the tears he had been trying to suppress in front of the older boy he loved and admired so much finally overflowed and spilled miserably down his cheeks as he dropped his head in pure sadness and defeat. “F-f-for exactly that reason, Jjong! B-because I’m not beautiful! B-because I’m not beautiful in any way, and I’m just a useless person who deserves to cry alone! B-because I-I’m just s-stupid and u-ugly, a-and not someone anyone could ever love. B-because there’s nothing about me that I can actually say is even good in the slightest of ways. B-because I’m not even the shadow of the person I want to be! B-because I’m not the person y-you…I’m….not the kind of person that someone would really love. B-because there’s nothing about me that’s worth loving….b-because I’m such a useless person that I actually spend hours sobbing in self-pity…” He started off quickly, snapping in his pain and misery, but ending up with his voice being choked with tears, barely even auditable against his sobs and shaking body.

Jonghyun seemed to stop completely as Kibum began sobbing again (this time against his chest), and only glanced over the shaking and sobbing younger boy’s shoulder, allowing the hands that were once holding his shoulders to fall against the shaking back, as he tried to process through everything Kibum had just said to him, and tried to ignore that it seemed to go against everything Jonghyun stood for. “Y-you are? A-and what makes you think that?” He asked after a long moment, glancing back down at Kibum softly.

Kibum continued to sob as he buried himself against Jonghyun’s strong chest, too worked up to notice the comfort of his seemingly life-long crush rubbing small circles on his back, trying his best to comfort him. He was too hurt and angry with himself for being so pitiful in front of him, and only continued to cry in front of him. “B-because I am Jonghyun! B-because I’m nothing but a failure! B-because I can’t even sing as well as you or Onew-hyung does! B-because Taemin’s already a better dancer than I am! Because Minho’s a better rapper than me. Because no matter what I try to do, I’m still so short of perfect! B-because I’m not beautiful and cute and elegant like sh-she is! Because no matter how hard I try I’m still not the person I want to be. Th-the person I want to be in your eyes….th-the person who can bravely state his feelings…a-and that’s because the one I love can ever love me back, because I’m so short of what y-you deserve. B-because you’ll never love be back, because I’m just a stupid and ugly and useless gay and you probably find me repulsive now! Because there’s nothing about me that I could ever stand to accept as something likable, leaving lovable alone, because there’s nothing about me to ever find lovable!” He cried out quickly, forgetting completely about how he was actually saying such words to Jonghyun, not in a dream or in a thought, but in real life, until he suddenly felt Jonghyun’s grasp on his shoulders go slack, and the older boy slowly took his hands away from him causing for him to shiver at the loss of contact.

Jonghyun swallowed the best as he could as he moved as hands away from Kibum’s shoulders and glanced down, away from the sobbing boy (even though Kibum wouldn’t even been able to tell, since his eyes were both closed so tightly). “I-is…that how it is? Is that how you feel, and think I feel back, Kibum? That there is nothing about you to love?” He asked quietly, after a long moment.

Kibum only closed his eyes tighter at the question, tears coming to his eyes quicker and harder than ever before as he felt the bed shift again and Jonghyun’s weight lifting off of it, indicating better than Kibum wanted to feel that the older boy was leaving his side. He knew that expressing his feelings in such a way was going to scare Jonghyun away from him, and yet, for some reason, even as he said the words, his unrealistic imagination had somehow made him wish that Jonghyun would take him into his own arms and tell him he loved him too. But that was more fake than a dream, and Kibum began to wonder why he would even tease himself with it. He only hugged his knees as tightly as he could and crumpled into a lonely ball of tears as Jonghyun got up and completely left his side, walking away from him. It only made sense that Jonghyun would leave. Why wouldn’t he? Who could love Kibum at such a moment? Kibum wondered why his heart still shattered with surprised pain as he was left alone again to the sound of Jonghyun’s feet slowly moving from his bedside.

Suddenly, however, as Kibum curled into his most miserable ball of tears, he was suddenly stricken with surprise and confusion as the soft noise of fingers strumming softly against the strings of a guitar coming from the furthest end of the bedroom, and the room was suddenly filled the soft sound of a quiet but soothing melody escaping from the guitar. Kibum trembled a little as he kept his head down, even as his heart begged him to glance up and see the player of the instrument, but he couldn’t allow himself. He only struggled to bide back his tears, until his ears were suddenly kissed with the soft and high and unmistakably recognizable voice of Kim Jonghyun slowly starting to smooth over gentle words of a soft and caressing song that Kibum had never heard before, as he suddenly began to realize that the words that came from the singer’s beautiful and perfect lips were not the lyrics of anyone else’s song, but the simple way of Jonghyun expressing his feelings the best way that Jonghyun knew how; through music.

You cry your beautiful silver tears, and block me from your pain

And behind each broken gaze, my body becomes even more weak

For with each tear that tumbles down your beautiful cheek, feels as if it is a fallen piece of my heart.

[And] you say to me in such false words, resounding over and over in my mind

Things that you should have never have to have felt, never feared, never said

And still you say such things; that you cannot be loved

That I cannot be the one who loves you

All when you don’t know.

You don’t know and you don’t understand

Don’t know of all the feelings that play in my heart that are only of you

Everything about you, all perfections and imperfections

Have had me mesmerized for longer than I can remember

They’ve already become a part of me.

I want to shout out and tell you, tell the world

That in my eyes there is only you

And when I see you,

Your claimed imperfections are the things I find most beautiful.

The things you call ugly, the things you hate

They’re all my favorite part of the most perfect you.

Every day of every hour, I love you still as strong

[And] yet filled with each second is a time where I love you more.

And I just think of all the times where you are the most perfect in my eyes,

The times I love you most.

I love you most in the morning, when you are the smiling face that greets me at breakfast*

I love you most when I secretly watch you fix your hair-it can't look much more perfect*

I love you most when it’s cold outside, and you slide your arms into the belly of your jacket*

I love you most when you’re angry with me-your cute pursed lips and red face*

I love you most when you’re whining and complaining, pouting pink lips and baby-cheeks*

I love you most on Idol Sports Day-complaining about being out in the hot sun*

Kibum stopped crying and slowly looked up at Jonghyun with big eyes, still sparkling and damp with tears, but he tears of self-loathing and pain stopped from flowing. Blush slowly crawled over his cheeks as Jonghyun didn’t take his eyes off of him, slow and sweet tune coming from his voicebox and guitar suddenly picking up, shifting into a quick and happy tune as he slowly began laughing at how Kibum would blush or glare at him as he commented on everything he did. And so he continued on, keeping his eyes glued on Kibum, not caring if what he was singing anymore had a tune or not, just laughing along with the one he loved, with his Kibummie, as he continued on about all the times he wished he could have told Kibum how he felt and yet still kept it to himself.

I love you most when you’re dancing-you look as if there’s no world around you*

I love you most when you’re not being filmed, free from makeup and costumes, you’re just your beautiful self*

I love you most when we’re together, taking pictures to create framable memories*

I love you most when you don’t know I am there-all images and acts down, you’re simply you

I love you most in the evening, finally relaxed after a long day

I love you most after your bathtime, smelling like vanilla almonds and your sweet cologne

Kibum let out another soft giggle as he looked up at Jonghyun, who had at some time come close to him, now only standing a few feet away from the bed again, smiling and laughing along with him. But as he went down his list of loves for Kibum, Jonghyun suddenly slowed a little, keeping his tune the same on the guitar, but slowing the pace, making it softer, sweeter as he softened his smile and glanced back into Kibum’s big eyes with his own soft ones.

And, I love you most at night time, when you’re fast asleep and don’t realize how we’ve suddenly become close to each other

[and] how I am allowed to wrap my arms around you as you nuzzle your head under my chin.

How even if just for a short while at night, I am allowed to hold you close,

brush your bangs from your purely beautiful face and leave soft kisses on your smooth forehead,

Telling you all the words that I wish I could say to you while you’re awake:

I love you, Kim Kibum.

At all times of the day, at all times of the night

In my eyes you are the most perfect thing to ever roam this earth

And to me you are so beautiful that I wish you’d never leave my sight

“That rhyme was terrible….”

“…I wasn’t going to say anything…”

“Shut up! I’m trying to flatter you!”

And I love you most when you’re a blunt and stubborn ass.

“Not funny.”

“Didn’t I say I love all of your imperfections?”

I love you most when you laugh at me-even though sometimes it’s not all that funny

I love you most when you’re near me, how my heartbeat quickens

And I love it most when your eyes are on just me-for only just a second, but how did I ever get so lucky?

And I love you most when we’re alone together, in this pitch black room where you have turned of all the lights to hide away from your beauty,

And how there’s nothing to stop me from stuttering out these words and becoming stupid in your eyes as I ask you oh-so cheasily….

I love you most when your kissable lips find mine, and after four years of loving and secretly dreaming, what had once seemed so impossible suddenly becomes reality….

And by the time the last of the words had finally escaped from Jonghyun’s lips, he had already stopped playing the melody on his guitar and was knelt in front of Kibum, who was sitting on his bed, a cherry-blossom blush playing over his cheeks and a light smile etching across his lips, as before he knew it, his hands were lightly caressing against Jonghyun’s cheeks, and their lips were inching nearer and nearer until finally they brushed against each other in a breath lighter than butterfly kisses until Jonghyun finally moved forwards, leaning and pressing their lips together until they finally fit with each other so perfectly as if it was like they were puzzle pieces made to fit with each other, and be together.

Kibum stopped all movement as he stayed exactly where he was, lips connected together with the one he had secretly loved for so many years, feeling the soft warmth of Jonghyun’s gentle lips and tongue as they were pressed against his own. For all his years of living there was never a moment in his life where he had ever felt something that felt so simply….perfect. All the tears he had lost about not feeling perfect were suddenly put to waste as he suddenly realized that he was suddenly made perfect by the one in front of him. How somehow, amazingly, something about him was the most wonderful and perfect thing in the world, and that was how just so seamlessly wonderful it felt as the two just continued to kiss, leaving chaste and sweet kisses on each other’s lips as they both had secretly wanted to do for years and years before that day.

For all his life Kibum had strived for everything about himself to be perfect, for everything around him to be perfect, and for his life to be absolutely perfect. And yet, as he sat there in the completely dark room of the small dorm, still unaware of the confused six pairs of eyes staring at him and Jonghyun after their owners had just dragged mud into Kibum’s perfectly clean dorm, the way that Kibum’s silly performance eyeliner had run immensely, and the way his hair was completely messed up from being under the blanket, with Jonghyun’s first time played and less-than-perfect melody still playing in his mind, his lips in connection with the wonderful yet slightly chapped lips (Kibum had to teach this boy how to use chapstick rather than licking his lips all the time) of the most overly corny and schmaltzy boy in the world, Kibum slowly began to realize something. Not everything had to be perfect.

There was just one thing in the life of Kim Kibum that was absolutely perfect, and that was the way he felt as his lips connected in the perfect fit with Kim Jonghyun, the way his heart would skip just the right amounts of beats in his chest that it felt as if it was dancing, and the love that they both knew they shared as their imperfections blended together, creating one true perfection that was only perfect to each other. Their love might not have been the most ideal to other people, nor might it be the most easy to achieve in such difficult situations as they were given, it might even make a quite a lot of people furious with them, but to Kim Kibum and Kim Jonghyun it was perfect, and that type of perfection was enough.