달버리지마-Don’t Throw Me Away

[shinetae]

달버리지마-Don’t Throw Me Away
Couple: OT5 (Emotional Bonds), implied JongKey (Romance)
Genre: Bromance, Bond, Angst, Fluff, SM Defiance (?)
Rated: PG12
Disclaimer:
Summary: Jonghyun is unable to dance along the other members of SHINee (who he views as his family), and immediately feels guilty for not being able to help them, and drawing negitive attention to SHINee in the last few months. With the fear of enforced seperation from his beloved bandmates in the back of his head, and the guilt of dragging them down with him during his lows, when their manager suddenly announces that a new trainee will be taking Jonghyun's place in dance during their concerts, Jonghyun begins to wonder if the other members should really just throw him away and replace him.


Jonghyun held his breath as he was slowly forced to pull from his bandmates’ sides, as the music for Lucifer began to fill the air again, and he knew that it was again the part of the show where he was forced to be taken away from their sides. He hated it. Absolutely hated it. During performances, he was forced to the back, or the sidelines, or even worse; the very front of the stage. He was forced to either sit on some ridiculous throne or stayed locked behind some stupid cage, feeling more and more like a prisoner with every day. There was nothing in his heart that he wanted more than to break out of the stupid fake cage that had he was bound to, or knock over the damned throne he was forced to sit on. It had been like this for months already, and he could barely take anymore.

Ever since Jonghyun had hurt himself at that stupid overseas fanparty, he had been forced away from his beloved bandmates, and by the day the extent of the mount of activities that his management was keeping him back from doing alongside his bandmates started getting more and more, and more and more suspicious, even to Jonghyun. True, he had hurt himself pretty badly months ago. True, everything he was going under was just magnified by the media and fan’s attention because of the public’s eye after his management had annoyance that he was dating with Shin Se Kyung. But this seemed ridiculous, fishy and just wrong in Jonghyun’s eyes. His leg wasn’t hurt that bad, and he was already able to run and dance around like the other members with even more energy than a few of them, so why the hell wasn’t he allowed to dance with them? Even the fans had noticed, and left worried comments on his fanpages about the fear of SM trying to make him go solo or the company trying to expand SHINee’s image without him in it, and to say the truth; Jonghyun knew even less about his management’s true plans with his future were than the fans did.

Jonghyun tried not to think too much about it. He was too busy and stressed with SM The Ballad promotions and still trying to play catch-up with the rest of his bandmates to stress and strain himself over the fear of what his management wanted to do to him in the future, but he couldn’t help himself sometimes. His fan’s worried words just kept resounding in his head over and over, making his stomach churn and tie in tight knots every time that their manager would give them their schedules, and Jonghyun would see that he had something completely different than the other four members of his band. When he had asked his manager-just a month back, after doing performance after performance stuck on some stupid sub-stage or throne away from his bandmates; if he would be allowed to dance with his bandmates as normal for their solo concert, the answer he got back seemed more than suspicious to Jonghyun. All his manager (“a surprisingly kind man for someone who works under SM,” Jonghyun had always thought) did was look at him and give him a sympathetic smile as he clasped his shoulder. “I don’t know yet, Jonghyun. We shall see when the time comes.”, and then immediately left the room as if he desperately did not want to be stopped and asked anymore questions. Jonghyun quietly protested, but couldn’t say anything more. Their manager was a busy man, and when there is busyness there is stress, and the last thing that Jonghyun wanted was so stress someone he cared about out even more than they already were.

It was true, everyone in the entire connection of SM had turned into at least his family, if not more. It was like that for all the members of SHINee, he supposed; since they had been in that industry with no one but each other since they were all considered children. But for Jonghyun, it was different. Being the sentimental romanticist that he was, all relationships and connections meant more to him than anything else he could have explained at the time. Everyone, from their manager to their stylists noonas, to their choreographer was dear and important in Jonghyun’s eyes, and he viewed them as part of his new extended family. His sunbaes and hoobaes were like his cousins and aunts and uncles, and he loved them all more than they’d suspect. His manager was like his father and even the old coot Lee Sooman, Jonghyun viewed as a strict old grandfather. Every member of his new life in the entertainment industry were far more to him than work connections and coworkers. It wasn’t something he could easily explain, but he felt it nonetheless.

And then, there was SHINee. SHINee as a concept was far much more than just a “Contemporary Band”, or a name of a group of five teenage boys that all have considerately impressive amounts of talents, all joined together to made the noonas scream their heads off when they sang or danced. It was more than just SM’s biggest economic and popularity asset. When Jonghyun heard the word SHINee, he thought less of his work, and more of his heart. For SHINee was no long just the name of his little group, it was the title of his heart.

All four of his other members of SHINee meant more to him than the deepest part of his SHINee-based heart. Those boys were his family, his passion, his inspiration and his unhealthy obsession. Those four boys were what Jonghyun held most precious in his life, and they were closer and meant far more to him than they even could if they were his blood-brothers. Within the small family that SHINee had created held his Best Friend, the Love of His Life, his Playful and Trusted Competition, and his Beloved Kid. All four boys had such big and deep parts in his heart that he could never even imagine life without them ever again. It was only when he was with the four other boys that his heart was composed of, that Jonghyun could finally smile and feel complete again, no matter what the situation. Since he had joined the entertainment industry three years back, there were so many times where Jonghyun felt scared or stressed, and he knew that he couldn’t have made it through if not for the other members of SHINee encouraging him and cheering him on. And because of this love and trust with the other boys, Jonghyun stayed as strong as he was and continued onward.

It was not until now, where Jonghyun was barely allowed to be anywhere near the other four members of his heart, that Jonghyun had ever gotten anything close to the feeling of becoming weaker when he saw the smiling faces of his bandmates. For it was as he slowly moved to standing aside as the lights turned off, and he made his way slowly to his little corner of the stage to sit on his “throne” and watch the other members dancing together and singing next to each other that he felt his heart sink, his stomach churn in knots, and himself losing strength for the that that he was forced from being at their sides again as his heart begged, and he would once again have to act as if he was just a minor solo singer on the same stage as the amazing a popular band in front of him, having to act as if he had nothing to do with them. It was as he sat aside, biding back his anger as he was forced away from being near them as they continued on beautifully and perfectly as they always were.

His Best Friend was the same as always, bouncing around like a crazy idiot, stumbling and dropping his microphone a few times as a result of his sangtae, but the same amazing singer as always. The Love of His Life was as amazing and beautiful as always, seductively eyeing the crowd as he swung his hips just perfectly in time with the beats of the song, causing for everyone (including Jinki, Minho and as well as himself, inwardly) to scream their heads off when they saw him. His Playful and Trusted Competition was the same as always, deep voice booming like the base of the song as he smoothed over the quickly said words of his rap, muscles flexing as he danced alongside the rest of his band, same caring and kind eyes under the sexy smirk he was sending the audience members. And, amazingly, his Beloved Kid had somehow managed to get even better at dancing than before, and he sounded even more mature while singing as well. Despite his negative feelings of not being allowed to be alongside the amazing boys, Jonghyun felt himself beaming with pride of his amazing little family. He finally found the strength to sing his part in Lucifer well when he was caught by the maknae’s gaze and Taemin gave him a friendly and familiar smile as if to cheer him on, making Jonghyun smile and sing even louder as when Key turned sharply in his dance, their eyes were connected as well. Jonghyun allowed for a moment to let out all his stressed breaths and stand from where he was sitting, walking maybe a little closer to the other members, getting as close to them as he could without their supervisors noticing and talking to him about it later. Maybe, just maybe, he had read too far into this and was overreacting. Maybe, just maybe, SM wanted nothing more or less than for his leg injury to heal completely, and maybe just maybe he would soon be able to be with his beloveds again, and all he would have do is heal and continue doing his best for them.

Jonghyun sighed again as his singing part was over and felt almost completely at ease again (something that he hadn’t felt for months already), and as he stared at the other members of his beloved SHINee, he almost felt as happy and carefree as they days before any of this started. Almost all of his stress and worries of being separated from his beloved band had almost completely disappeared when all of a sudden his eyes fell upon him. Jonghyun all but stopped short in the middle of his lyrics when he saw the way Taemin glanced away from him and looked back towards the new face that had somehow managed to come up to the front as Jonghyun’s lead dance portion started, and out of nowhere he began to take on Jonghyun’s part, replacing Jonghyun’s spot between Jinki and Kibum, and dancing with precision every step that Jonghyun was not able to take, smiling and receiving smiles from Jonghyun’s beautiful family.

Upon seeing him, Jonghyun felt his heart sink and suddenly burst up into his throat. His stomach clenched into a tight knot and his throat suddenly became dry as he gave up on singing his part of the song. He felt as if he had not strength left to do it. Before him, in front of his eyes he saw all five points of the SHINee star being filled, and himself being replaced just so easily by someone else. He felt himself tremble at the very thought and sight of it, and Taemin, who seemed to have his eyes on him during that particular part of the performance (whether knowing of Jonghyun’s probable reaction of his replacement or just keeping his eyes on his hyung), noticed this and quickly stepped forward, courageously singing Jonghyun’s part for him as not to allow for Jonghyun to receive criticism for forgetting to sing in the second night of their first solo concerts (Taemin had forgotten to sing before in performances, and it didn’t feel good). Jonghyun’s throat trembled as he heard the maknae taking on his part courageously and sounding good while doing it, almost wanting to smile at the fact he had been looked after by his Beloved Kid, before he suddenly noticed that as he slipped back from Jonghyun’s spot in the front of the dance, the way he caught Kibum’s eye, and the way Kibum gave him an accepting smile. Jonghyun struggled not to become upset with the kid. He hadn’t done anything to deserve being hated. It was all Jonghyun’s shortcomings that were the only reason why he was there, and that’s what hurt Jonghyun all the more.

His name was Shin*, and that’s all that Jonghyun knew. Not a last name, nor a middle initial. And he was so sudden and rushed that Jonghyun was hardly even able to get it down as their manager hurried along the introductions, brushing past the information so quickly before leaving the room with the weird new kid, as if he didn’t want to hear any of the member’s responses to the instruction he had just given them.

“This is Shin, he is a new trainee from China that SM has recently taken in. Even though he is new, he is a very talented dancer. He’s going to be taking over your dancing parts during the concerts, Jonghyun, so everyone please take him in and make him feel welcomed as he’ll be with you four for a while serving as Jonghyun.” Their manager said quickly, before quickly taking the brunette boy out of the room as if he was sweeping dirt under the rug, looking almost afraid of hearing the five confused boys’ questions.

And that was as much as anyone knew about the kid, but as Jonghyun stood behind the rest of his beloved band and family, watching as the kid fit in so perfectly, the fan’s words he had read before began playing on him again and again, make his stomach churn in tight knots worse than it had ever churned before.

“By putting Jonghyun-oppa in SM The Ballad, it’s so obvious that SM is trying to get fans used to seeing him as a separate person, and seeing SHINee without him! I’m so upset! How could they take Bling Bling-oppa from SHINee? Ever since the scandal with Shin Se Kyung they’ve been keeping him more separated from the rest. I don’t want to see SHINee breaking up in front of us like this!”

Jonghyun swallowed the best he could, and tried his best to stop the cold and scared tears he felt starting in his eyes. As he watched the five-pointed star that his beautiful family and his replacement dancing together. Everything just suddenly seemed to clear to Jonghyun, and he found himself falling away from the beautiful people he loved so much. He struggled to keep his tears in for the rest of the song and was damn thankful when he remembered that after the last track which was 하나 (One), the second solo concert in Korea would at long last be over. He wondered how he managed to keep his tears back until they had finished singing, and could barely find his voice as he thanked everyone again and again for their support towards him in the last few months and told his Blingers and Shawols how much they meant to him.

However, as soon as they were allowed to turn and walk backstage again to collapse on the couches in the dressing room after an exhausting show, Jonghyun was the first to turn, all but running off of the stage as he desperately made his way to the most hidden place he could think of to allow the tears to fall off of his face, not meaning to bump into Minho as he pushed past him, but accidently hitting his shoulder as he covered his nose and mouth with his elbow in hopes to disguise the fact his face had already turned red with his holding back of tears.

Minho glanced up slowly as he noticed the way that Jonghyun rushed past him, and could already see the tears pushing in the older boy’s eyes as he hurried away from him. Minho stopped where he was walking as he saw his hyung’s tears. It was not that he had never seen Jonghyun cry or anything, the emotional little thing that he was, everyone in the world must have already seen Jonghyun cry at least once, but it was that most all of the times he had ever seen tears fall from his hyung’s puppy eyes, were normally tears of happiness. Minho let out a quiet breath before glancing knowingly over his shoulder at the rest of his band, who had all noticed Jonghyun’s emotions as well as he did, and received three more nods as they all followed after Jonghyun slowly and thoughtfully.

Jonghyun dropped his head against his knees and allowed for himself to finally sob out his fear as he sat in the back of the dark supply closet in the corner of the smallest dressing room (all of the Stylist Noonas had already gone home, exhausted after helping the boys in and out of outfit after outfit in a matter of a few moments before sending them back out for their next performance). He knew he couldn’t allow himself to show his tears and pain towards the other members. He wouldn’t allow himself. They should all be happy about how amazing they all were during their concert, and he shouldn’t bring them down with his pain. He knew that he could never tell them about his feelings and worries of separation because it was a sin to dampen Jinki’s bright smile while he was happy, and he didn’t want to make Taemin cry with him. He also refused to tell his beloved Kibum too, because he knew that the younger would begin to worry too much for his own good until he made himself sick (it had happened before), and he would never be able to do that to him. And he knew that if he was to tell Minho, the caring taller boy would take him into his arms and tell him that it was going to be alright, but secretly look away, normal flaming sparks in his eyes turning duller and cooler as he looked with worry. Jonghyun refused to do anything of those things to his beloved family, so he kept it to himself, forcing himself to bare it alone.

However, not a minute after Jonghyun had secretly shoved himself in the back of the supply closet, was the door opened again and the light of the small dressing room spilled into the dark corner Jonghyun had crept into, in order to hide himself. Jonghyun stopped his sobbing and looked up slowly, wiping the tears out of his eyes as he looked up to find himself looking into the deep and compassionate sparky eyes of Minho, then moved slightly to his side to find the feline yet beautiful eyes of Kibum, then to the right to see the happy eyes of Taemin, then next to him and on his shoulder; the smiling and clumsy eyes of Jinki. Jonghyun swallowed the best he could, but didn’t say anything as he continued to stare up at the faces of his family. Maybe as a result of the family-like love they all shared with each other, or perhaps that they spent every night in the extremely close proximity of their shared dorm and bedroom, or maybe it was that the five of them were fated to be together, but there was something about the five boys that connected deeply into their souls, and immediately they could all tell what the other was thinking, and feeling.

“What’s the matter, Hyung?” Taemin finally asked quietly, after a moment of the other four giving Jonghyun soft and comforting eyes and glances wordlessly. “Why aren’t you together with us? Are you upset because of Shin?” He asked.

Jonghyun dropped his head back down and held his breath, unable to control his tears from falling from his eyes. “N-no…he did really well tonight up by your sides. A-and you guys were amazing, a-as always….I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be by you guys and help you…..I-I’m sorry for all my shortcomings, g-guys. I-I’m glad Shin was there, th-that way you guys could have your fifth member and weren’t slowed down by me anymore….I’m glad he was there, a-and that he replaced me. Y-you guys deserve someone better th-than….me…f-for the fifth member to be replaced….” He whispered quietly, wiping tears off of his cheeks miserably. He hadn’t said anything more about his feelings of being replaced, but he didn’t have to. The other four could already feel it, and see the way Jonghyun felt just by looking at his face.

No more words were exchanged or needed to be exchanged before Minho’s arms were wrapped around Jonghyun’s shoulders, pulling his crying hyung in a comforting hug, while Kibum moved next to him and slipped his arms around his waist, resting the side of his head against his chest. Taemin smiled with his sunny smile before sitting next to him, taking one of his hands and holding it tightly in his own as he hugged one of Jonghyun’s arms.

“Hyung…how could you feel that way? Why would you ever feel that we want to replace you?” Taemin asked quietly against Jonghyun’s arm as his innocent eyes stared up into to Jonghyun’s damp ones.

“You know that we could never do that, Hyung.” Minho’s deep voice said from behind Jonghyun, as Jonghyun continued to feel his strong arms around his shoulders, holding him closely and comfortingly like Minho would always hold him while he cried.

“How could you not already know this, Jonghyun? We were all five together when we created SHINee, those who give and receive light together. A five-pointed star that can never be broken. Did you forget?” Kibum asked as he looked up from resting his head against Jonghyun’s chest, tightening his arms around his waist a little as he brought him closer in the hug.

“A star that can never be touched or broken and where one of the five spokes could never replaced. We love you, Jonghyun, and you love us; how could we ever stand to even ever think of replacing you?” Jinki added, as he placed his hands on Jonghyun’s knees and squeezed them encouragingly.

Jonghyun glanced up and looked at his four family members with big, still teary, but shining eyes. “R-really? E-even after I’ve been nothing but a burden to the rest of you for the last few months? E-even when I’ve done nothing but weigh you guys down, you still don’t want to replace me? You still won’t throw me away?” He asked quietly, voice trembling as his fears were slowly knocked down by his beloveds’ comforting and believable words.

Kibum glanced up from hugging Jonghyun closer before glaring at him lightly. “Why would you think such a stupid thing like that?” He asked, voice blunt but honest and still soft under it all.

“We could and would never ever replace you, Hyung! We love you!! What’s SHINee without Bling Bling?” Taemin sang happily, as he quickly latched onto Jonghyun’ hugging him as tightly as he could.

“We’ll always be there for you when you need us, Hyung. You’re part of us, as we are part of you, right? We will never replace you.” Minho added, but smiled lighter and hugged him more comfortingly as he noticed the happy tears spilling from Jonghyun’s eyes.

“I….we love you, Jonghyun.” Kibum muttered quietly, resting his head back against Jonghyun’s chest and listening to his heartbeat as he hugged him closer.

“We’ll love you forever, and you’ll always be a part of SHINee! Besides, who’ll eat chicken with me if you leave? No one could ever replace you for my best friend!!” Jinki sang happily, causing for Jonghyun to laugh lightly, until Jinki suddenly realized that he was the only one out of the four who hadn’t yet had a chance to hug Jonghyun, and quickly dove at him to get his share of a hug in when Onew-Sangtae suddenly kicked in and he stumbled and fell on top of the other four, causing for Minho and Jonghyun to get completely squashed under the rest of the member’s weights, causing for the five boys to turn into a laughing ball of limbs (well, at least Jonghyun, Jinki, Kibum and Taemin were laughing; Minho was kind of groaning under the immense amount of weight that had just piled on top of him).

Who knows?

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