Like in the fairytales [Part 3]
>PART 2<
The opportunity smacks him straight in the face a mere week later, when he steps into their bathroom to find it already occupied, Kibum leaning against the sink with his eyes closed and his left hand shoved down his sweatpants.
It isn't the first time he has walked in on a scene like this, two teenage boys sharing a room making for a sizeable array of awkward situations. But it is the first time he doesn't excuse himself and rush out with his cheeks on fire and his heart pounding in his chest.
He is staring instead without really realising he is doing it, until Kibum's gaze meets his and the sound of the younger boy's voice rips him out of his dazed state.
"Get out," Kibum orders, but it doesn't sound irritated. Just kind of bored, as if Jonghyun had interrupted something he wasn't too keen on finishing anyway.
"I can help you with that," Jonghyun steps further into the room, having no idea what he is trying to achieve, even as he keeps his eyes locked with the younger boy's and slowly approaches him.
Kibum holds his ground, not a trace of emotion on his face, but his body is tensing up, back pressing just a bit further into the wall.
"You're not a woman," Kibum responds curtly when Jonghyun cages him against the white bathroom tiles, attempting to break free, but Jonghyun's grip on the younger boy's wrist doesn't loosen.
He has done this before. Sucked off one of the guys in the orphanage years back just because he wanted to know what it was like, helping someone else reach their climax. But the satisfaction he had hoped to feel never came. Instead, he had felt dirty and used, cowering in one of the secluded corners of the roof, because he would be dead within hours if anyone caught him crying.
It had been his own fault, really. He should have known that all he would be getting out of it was disappointment.
Sexual acts have lost their meaning the moment The Epidemic first struck. It is but a way to produce children at this point. Nothing else. Nothing intimate or satisfying or anything Jonghyun had so badly wanted it to be.
And yet here he is again, hoping - praying, really - that this time will be different.
"You're not supposed to," The younger boy adds, seemingly to slowly realise that Jonghyun isn't planning on backing out.
"But I want to," He says and before Kibum can try again to get away, he is pinning him to the the wall. The kiss he pulls him into isn't returned, feeling just as one-sided as the previous ones they shared - quick pecks that never really seemed to do anything for Kibum, but meant everything to Jonghyun - and it hurts, but Jonghyun isn't ready to give up yet. He wants Kibum to know what love feels like, wants him to be able to experience all the many wonderful emotions he only heard about from his textbooks, and maybe this will be the way to go about it.
Maybe giving him pleasure will break the spell.
Lowering himself down onto his knees, Jonghyun gazes up at Kibum as he unbuttons his pants, tugging at the tight fabric until it is pooling around the younger boy's ankles. Kibum is already half hard, the front of his briefs stained with wetness and Jonghyun is sure he has never felt quite this eager to please. Just the thought of Kibum moaning and thrashing around under his ministrations is appealing beyond words and Jonghyun wants to do whatever it takes to make the younger boy feel good.
"Your skin is so warm," He murmurs, tracing his parted lips along the inside of the Kibum's exposed thigh, and the simple contact is enough to make a shiver run through the younger boy's body, goosebumps erupting all over his skin.
Even after living with Kibum for all these years, Jonghyun is still left in awe at his unique beauty. His sharp eyes, the image of them etched into Jonghyun's mind ever since he first met him all those years ago, his angular face, strong and defined but never having completely lost its subtle softness, the two contrasting features working so much better together than Jonghyun would have ever anticipated, his deep voice. He is perfect.
The older boy loves every bit of him, and he truly wonders whether Kibum realises, just how important he is to him. So much so that Jonghyun doesn't think he will ever be capable of living without him. Dangerous as his dependance is.
"You're not supposed to do that," Kibum repeats when Jonghyun starts removing his briefs, thumbs slipping under the waistband to tug them down his legs, placing small kisses on his skin along the way.
"Hyung," Kibum tries one last time, and it sounds almost pleading, scared, but he doesn't shove him away. He could, the hands around his wrists long gone and Jonghyun defenselessly kneeling in front of him, but he doesn't.
Kibum stays entirely unresponsive the whole time.
Doesn't moan or curse, doesn't even hold Jonghyun still to force himself further down his throat. But it takes no more than a few minutes, for his breath to quicken audibly and the muscles in his legs to tense and it is enough for Jonghyun to tell he's close.
Kibum roughly pushes him away after, before Jonghyun has even swallowed the last drops of the younger boy's release, expression alarmingly blank.
He turns around without another word and lets the door fall shut behind him, leaving Jonghyun kneeling right there on the ground with wet eyes and swollen lips.
Jonghyun wonders why he keeps torturing himself like this.
*
He reads 'Sleeping Beauty' on a whim, curiousity getting the best of him, because there has to be a reason Kibum likes it so much.
It is just as cliche as he expected, he later decides, after reaching the last page and being no smarter than he was before, Kibum's short recollection having pretty much covered every significant part the tale actually had to offer.
But at least he can say that he has read it now, so maybe Kibum will finally quit bothering him about it.
*
Something has changed after that day.
Jonghyun can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but the feeling continues growing with every time he catches Kibum staring at him for a little too long or notices his touches lingering as if he is trying to forever imprint them into Jonghyun's mind. (Jonghyun swears, it's definitely working.)
But it's only when Kibum's hard grip closes around his wrist a few days later - just when he is about to climb into bed - and a blunt "Hyung, can you help me again?" is making its way past his lips, that Jonghyun understands the nature of Kibum's sudden interest.
And Jonghyun wants to, but he knows there is no way for him, to say 'No' to that. Not when his body is already flooded by searing heat just thinking about the weight of the younger boy on his tongue and the soft gasps he had let out when Jonghyun swallowed him down.
"Fuck Hyung," Kibum curses when Jonghyun's nose brushes his crotch, the younger boy's dick hitting the back of his throat, "You're so good at this."
He is sitting on the couch this time, Jonghyun kneeling on the thin carpet as he lets Kibum shove himself down his throat, the younger boy's hips moving with swift, erratic thrusts.
His eyes are red with tears, struggling to stay open as he repeatedly chokes on the thick length in his mouth, but the sounds Kibum lets out are making it all worth it. He is being much more vocal today, every moan and low encouragement rushing straight between Jonghyun's legs and Jonghyun is so hard it hurts.
The older boy's hand unconsciously moves to the front of his boxers, clumsily palming himself through the thin fabric as his tongue swirls around the head of Kibum's dick, the ache of his own erection all but unbearable at this point. He has never thought he'd get off on this - on being used in such a rough, almost careless way - but there is just something so mind-blowing about being completely at the younger boy's mercy, Kibum's slender fingers pulling his hair as he selfishly takes whatever Jonghyun is offering him.
Jonghyun really wonders whether there is something seriously wrong with him.
*
"I love you," Jonghyun whispers into the silence after, heat still lingering in the air although they have both moved to their own beds by now, the distance between their bodies much larger than anything Jonghyun is comfortable with.
Kibum's breathing has evened out long ago.
He doesn't receive a response.
*
It happens more often after that.
Kibum seems to have developed a sort of addiction to the sweet feeling of release brought by someone other than himself, and Jonghyun can't say he minds. Even if sometimes, his throat is raw for the whole day after, and he always has to get off by himself later on, he doesn't mind.
Not when just the act of getting down on his knees is enough to pump satisfaction through his veins and every one of Kibum's moans fills him with a stronger sense of accomplishment than anything he has ever known.
And especially not when Kibum actually pulls him close after and fits his lips on top of his own and whispers gentle requests of 'Stay with metonight' or 'Don't leave yet' into his ear, that make their relationship seem like so much more than it really is. Words and actions that for the first time in years make Jonghyun feel as if he is truly loved.
Even if he knows that's not quite it.
Even if he is still trying so very hard, to make Kibum really return his feelings.
*
"What is it like?" Kibum asks him one day, after having coated Jonghyun's tongue and face in thick, white streaks of release before watching him lick it all off, not a single drop wasted as if he can't get enough of it.
"Doesn't it taste gross?" He wonders, eyes still looking a bit dazed from the overload of pleasure Jonghyun's mouth had brought him.
The older boy doesn't respond right away, deep in thought for a moment before he decides to simply ask a question of his own, gaze meetings Kibum's as he offers, "Do you want to try?"
He is expecting just about everything - aversion, maybe, or embarrassment, anger even - but Kibum nodding determinedly and getting up from the couch to instead crouch down in front of him certainly isn't on the list.
There is no way in hell he is going to stop him, though.
*
The first time Jonghyun notices is during lunch. He is sitting opposite the younger boy, sipping on his cup of tea, because for god knows what reason, his appetite has been borderline non-existent lately.
Kibum doesn't seem much better, however, head hanging low and eyes trained on his plate as if he can't quite decide what to do with his meal.
"Are you okay?" Jonghyun asks when he notices the younger boy's fingers digging into the edges of his chair, but he doesn't receive a response.
"Kibum," He tries again, one of his hands reaching out to rest on his arm, but Kibum all but flinched away from it, dark eyes widening as if the older boy's touch set his skin on fire.
"What's wrong?" Jonghyun insists, the cold fingers of fear crawling up his back when Kibum starts trembling, knuckles turning white from how hard he is gripping at his chair.
"Nothing, I'm-" The younger boy forces out eventually, struggling audibly to keep his voice from giving out, even as he assures "I'm good."
"Just feeling a bit sick...I better go lie down," He takes a shaky breath, swaying a bit as he gets up, but managing to steady himself just for long enough to make it to their room unscathed.
*
Kibum seems fine again not too long after, colour having returned to his cheeks and trademark snark having proudly reclaimed its spot in his voice.
It helps soothe the older boy's nerves a little, the incident almost forgotten by the time they are watching videos on Kibum's laptop later that evening, but he can't quite get rid of the queasy feeling still. Kibum seemed to have troubles a lot these past weeks, coming down with a cold twice and fighting with persistent coughs and sniffles more often than not and it's starting to serious worry him.
Jonghyun smiles a little when he catches Kibum dozing off for the third time in just twenty minutes, the younger boy's breath slowing and his head lulling to the side.
"Kibum," He pokes his cheek teasingly, watching in amusement how Kibum's nose scrunches up, a protesting whine falling from his lips before his eyes flutter back open.
"Let's go to sleep," Jonghyun proposes, and Kibum doesn't say anything at first, still disoriented after having his slumber interrupted like that, but he does nod in the end and disappears into the bathroom soon after.
*
Jonghyun wakes up the next morning to a loud crash ringing through the sleepy silence of the apartment. He is all but shocked upright at the sound, jumping to his feet a mere few seconds later as he quickly makes to tracking down the source of the noise. The boy is trying his best to stay calm, chasing away all thought of Kibum's strange behaviour the previous day, to keep from unnecessarily straining his nerves, but his mind is wiped completely blank when he spots Kibum in the kitchen, slumped against the kitchen counter as if he can barely keep himself standing on his two feet.
"Kibum!" Jonghyun rushes to the younger boy's side without thinking, trying to help him steady his legs, but much like last time, Kibum shies away instantly.
"I'm okay," Kibum rasps, but his breath is coming out in shallow pants as he digs his hands into the fabric of his shirt and his body is contorting in unnatural angles and Jonghyun isn't going to believe for a single second that Kibum is 'fine'.
"I'll call for an ambulance." He announces, not a hint of hesitation in his voice.
"No," Kibum protests, but it lacks the boy's usual persistance, sounding almost weak instead, even as he insists, "I'm okay, really."
"Let's go have Jinki-hyung take a look at you, at least," Jonghyun pleads, absolutely terrified at this point, because Kibum is very obviously in pain and he doesn't know what to do.
"Please," The older boy feels close to tears as he watches Kibum continuing to struggle, his skin as pale as that of a ghost and his breathing picking up still, ragged and rapid.
"All right," Kibum gives in, allowing Jonghyun to step closer and the older boy immediately takes the opportunity, slinging his arm around Kibum's waist.
"Can you stand?" He asks, helping the younger boy lift himself off the couch and Kibum nods, albeit weakly.
"Yeah, just…slowly," He requests.
Jonghyun thanks the heavens that Jinki's apartment is a mere three floors down, Kibum's violent shaking making it almost impossible to take more than a few small steps at a time. They're somehow reaching the elevator anyway, Jonghyun's trembling finger swiping across the display to select the right number, tapping onto another button at the side of the screen right after to make the doors close faster.
*
Jinki's expression is stone-faced, unwavering concentration etched into his features as he runs one of his odd-looking instruments after the other along Kibum's bare chest.
Jonghyun feels like he is going to throw up he is so worried, fingernails leaving red marks on the skin of his palms. Kibum's breathing has slowed down at last, the anguish in his expression having ceased along with it, but Jonghyun's concern won't be soothed unless he knows what is going on with the younger boy.
So he keeps observing, eyes glued to the older boy's face in hopes of detecting any sort of emotion in it. Concern, maybe, or shock. Fear or relief.
But Jinki remains frustratingly impassive throughout it all, as if Kibum is just another patient he has no personal relation to whatsoever.
Being so focused on the older boy's movements, he almost misses the strange noise reaching them from somewhere in the far back of Jinki's bedroom, but he is instantly alert as the faint but eerily familiar whooshing registers in his mind.
"What's that sound?" Jonghyun's eyes search the small room, body tensing further when the noise keeps getting louder with every passing second.
"A scanner…" Jinki admits sheepishly, placing the small device on the table in front of them where it buzzes away violently.
"Why the hell do you have a scanner?" Jonghyun demands to know, taking multiple steps back out of pure instinct, even when it is obvious the scanner isn't going to attack them.
Jonghyun has always felt a strong distaste for the devices. They are tiny in size and so fast, it's basically impossible to spot them with the naked eye, but the distinct sound created by their movement is something he can't miss. He has always been much too paranoid about being spotted by one of them to allow himself not to listen out for it. They are serving multiple purposes, but primarily, they are built to detect broken chips. It is overall pretty rare for it to happen, and there has never been an official statement about the actual cause of it, but it occurs nonetheless. Kills people or has them killed, depending only on whether the scanners are quick enough to preempt the chip's built in self-destruction.
Jonghyun knows that isn't him. Knows his chip isn't actually broken, but he can never quite shed the fear of being attacked by one of them either way. The thought has always been one of his biggest nightmares.
"It's not a real one. It's just for studying purposes," Jinki explains easily, all of his turned attention back to Kibum who has grown completely silent at this point, dark eyes watching them both with a sort of grudging resignation.
"Isn't that dangerous?" Jonghyun all but accuses.
'Won't it give you away?' Is what he really wants to ask - despite knowing that it will be just as oblivious to Jinki's condition as it is to his own - and Jinki seems to realise it, too, because he firmly shakes his head in response, before informing, "It might become dangerous for Kibum, though."
Before Jonghyun can ask what he means by that, he has turned to the younger boy instead.
"Did anything like that happen before?" He questions, and Kibum doesn't respond at first, something akin to conflict in his eyes as he chews on his lower lip.
"Yes, i-it did…" He admits eventually - reluctantly - gaze downcast to avoid looking at either of them as he adds, "A few times."
"A few times?" Jonghyun echoes in disbelief, trying to meet the younger boy's gaze, only to have his attempts dodged time and time again, Kibum looking anywhere but at him.
"I just didn't think it was anything to worry about," Kibum shrugs, but Jonghyun can tell his nonchalance is feigned.
The younger boy had appeared absolutely frightened earlier, his body having trembled like a leaf when Jonghyun held onto him inside the elevator, so he doesn't believe for a single second that Kibum didn't think it was anything to worry about.
"It is, though," Jinki talks back, and Jonghyun feels like someone has pulled the ground from beneath his feet as he reveals, "Your chip has been damaged."
"Chips are build to handle even pretty serious blows. It should be able to regenerate itself in no time." Jinki informs when he takes note of Jonghyun's panicked expression.
"But?" Jonghyun supplies, the tone of the older boy's voice strongly suggesting that there is more to it still.
"You said it wasn't the first time?" He turns back to Kibum, and the younger boy hesitates for a moment, obviously reluctant to confirm the words, but he does nod in the end, admitting "It's been going on for a while."
Jinki hums, a thoughtful look in his eyes that does nothing but agitate Jonghyun more. He needs Kibum to be all right. He can't lose him.
But Jinki is speaking in ways so cryptically, it feels like that's exactly what this is going to come down to.
"That's not supposed to happen," Jinki muses, "Whatever's causing it needs to stop before the damage is irreversible."
The older boy is looking straight at him, his choice of words reproachful almost, and it only serves to confuse Jonghyun further.
"You can rest in here for a bit," Jinki turns to Kibum, adding "I made some tea earlier," as he reaches for a cup to offer it to the younger boy, but not before slipping in a small pill that is dissolving so quickly, Jonghyun wouldn't even have noticed if his eyes weren't all but glued to Jinki.
Jonghyun raises an eyebrow, but doesn't make a move to stop him.
He trusts that Jinki knows what he is doing.
*
"It won't knock him out for long but it'll help shorten the chip's recovery process." The older boy explains after pulling the door closed behind himself, gesturing for Jonghyun to sit on the couch before he settles down in the armchair opposite of him.
It is quiet between them for a while, questions stacking up inside of Jonghyun until he feels like he is going to explode, but before he can get out even just a single one of them, Jinki has already beat him to it.
"I hate to say this, but you should really keep your distance from him for a bit."
"I don't think I understand?" Jonghyun frowns, feeling like his confusion must be permanently etched into his features at this point.
"Kibum's system might be…overwhelmed by your presence." Jinki begins slowly, every word measured and careful, as if what he is saying is of indescribable importance and he needs Jonghyun to store every single bit of it in his mind.
"Or rather, not exactly by your presence, but the way you are behaving around him. I've seen you interact with him plenty of times. You don't even bother keeping your guard up around him anymore. I really think it might mess with the chip's programming." Jonghyun stares at the older boy in absolute disbelief, incapable of fully wrapping his head around the older boy's revelation but at the same time thinking that it is making sense.
As much as he hates admitting it, it is making a whole lot of sense.
"It isn't build to deal with emotions. Because they aren't supposed to exist anymore. So it might very well be possible that being confronted with your emotions every day is what's taking a toll on it."
*
Jonghyun can't sleep that night.
His head is spinning, stray thoughts wrecking havoc inside his head until he isn't even sure anymore, where reality ends and his own, shaken mind begins.
Jinki's words are replaying in his head over and over, only adding another point to his massive list of things to ruminate on and it doesn't help at all with shedding the persistent feeling of guilt gnawing away at him.
He can't stop blaming himself, can't stop thinking that all of this is his fault, and there are tears welling in his eyes before long, everything crashing down on him until he wants nothing more than to curl up and hide.
He is torn out of his thoughts by the tentative call of "Hyung?", Kibum's head appearing at the side of his bed as he climbs the small ladder to reach the top bunk.
"Can I come sleep with you?" The younger boy asks.
And fuck, Jonghyun knows he should tell Kibum no, knows he shouldn't allow anything potentially harmful to happen between them yet again, but Kibum is lifting his covers before he can get the words out, shifting closer as his strong arms slip around Jonghyun's middle in a manner so comfortable and familiar, he almost can't handle it.
"Kibum," Jonghyun grips the younger boy's wrist when his hand begins moving dangerously low, holding him back from reaching down any further, "I don't feel like it tonight."
"Ohh…okay," Kibum nods, unaffected, but he stays cuddled up next to Jonghyun anyway, and as scared as Jonghyun is to hurt the younger boy more than he already did, he simply lets him.
One last time, Jonghyun tells himself.
Just one last time.
*
>Part 4<