SHINee Fic Mix 2011 - yunho
Title: The Magic Position
Author: Yunho
Pairing: Jonghyun/Jinki
Rating: R
Author's Notes: Lilly, it’s such a privilege to have been allowed to remix one of your fics. I could never do justice to remixing such a beautiful story, but at the very least, I hope I haven’t completely butchered your Jonghyun in my attempt. Many ♥ to you. Title of this remix comes from Patrick Wolfe’s song of the same title. Inspired entirely by pikagyu’s story and Patrick Wolfe’s song. Must read the original first to understand this.
Original Work: Burn by pikagyu
Later in the hospital-and by later, Jonghyun didn’t know it yet it but it would be much much later-the nurses would note him as the kid to keep an eye on. One nurse would say Kim Jonghyun was a daredevil and another nurse would say he’s just plain reckless. His doctor would shake his head every time before he walked into his hospital room to tell him it was a miracle Jonghyun was even still alive and his physical therapist one day would ask, “You like playing with fire that much, Jonghyun? Is it worth risking your ability to move and function? Is it worth your life?”
Well anyway, that would be later. Minho asked him a couple of dead weeks ago if Jonghyun was looking for anything new to do with his endless amount of time and Jonghyun, always up for a new thrill, had simply grinned and asked, What’ve you got for me baby? Minho was like him, in all the ways that counted. Maybe he had a good number of inches on him height-wise, but what Jonghyun lacked in height he made up for in passion. Between the two of them, he and Minho had a very big amount of passion. And an even larger amount of recklessness.
Even Minho didn’t think he’d do it-that’s the kicker. No one in their circle of friends thought he would actually do it. But hell, a challenge is a challenge and the prospect of making enough cash to line a race track 200 times over very much appealed to him. That’s how he found himself sitting behind the wheel of a tiny Volkswagen. All they told him before abandoning him in the ring was that if he managed to survive 3 minutes in the ring he’d get a shitton of money. Other than that there were no rules. The don’t get crushed or killed was just kind of implied.
He had the shitty radio cranked up as loud as he could get it, trying to drown out the sounds of the boos and jeering around the dirt ring he was in. He grinned to himself and reached up to fix the rearview mirror only to realize there was none. Thirty seconds later Jonghyun found himself driving around the ring with his heart pounding in his ears and exhilaration racing through him, blood pumping thick through his veins. He screamed and yelled and holy shit was the monster truck trying to kill him fast but his car was fast too and he pushed her faster faster and faster still until he found himself flying over a ramp, caught in the open air. His eyes opened wide, mouth agape in shock and wild abandon and for a second, hanging in the air like that with the world rushing past him and his whole life coming together, Jonghyun felt absolutely alive.
The Cult was playing on the radio at that point. The last words Jonghyun belted out before he ended up faceplanting his piece of shit car into the monster truck-3 minutes, 11 seconds in-were, ironically enough, Born to be wild~.
*
After that it took Jonghyun 9 months to fully recover. Nine months exactly and he was reborn. When he was finally out of the hospital not a single one of the nurses and doctors who’d gotten to know him failed to tell him they never wanted to see his face in the hospital again, albeit with thoughtful smiles on their faces.
It was eight months later when he found himself back in that same hospital. He was back in a full body cast, both arms broken, left leg broken in two places, face looking like he’d tried sticking it in a blender for shits and giggles. Every inch of Jonghyun that hurt, hurt so badly he felt pain on his pain. Pain in places he had hoped he’d never feel pain in again. Still no regrets.
They were wheeling him to his new room-surprisingly enough only three rooms down from his old one. One of the nurses he’d known from months ago was gossiping with a new volunteer and Jonghyun distinctly heard her say, “Can you believe this is the second time he’s had to have a full body cast? It’s like he’s suicidal or something,” just before he was wheeled past them. It brought a smile to his lips.
*
“I’m Jinki by the way.”
When ‘Jinki’ had first sat down across from him in his room, Jonghyun had had a feeling his name would be something to roll around in the mouth. Maybe it was the way Jinki seemed to flail about within his own personal space, or maybe it was the way Jonghyun’s stomach had rolled and churned at the sight of Jinki’s beat up face-though to be fair, Jonghyun had no right to judge, all things considered.
“Jonghyun. I’d shake your hand, but both of mine are broken.”
“Does it hurt?” Jinki asked. Jonghyun rolled his eyes. “You’re asking a guy with two broken arms and legs if he’s in pain.”
“Oh. Yeah.” Jinki paused and Jonghyun had the distinct feeling there was something he was itching to say or ask.
“What?”
“…”
“If you gotta ask me something just spit it out Jinki.”
He watched Jinki tense for a second before looking away, unable to meet his eyes. “Was it worth it? Was it worth nearly dying?” Jinki turned to him again when Jonghyun cleared his throat. “It was worth living through the experience,” he answered. He was confused by the look on Jinki’s face as he said the words.
*
It didn’t take long before Jonghyun realized how weird Jinki could be. He was older than him but that didn’t mean much. He wasn’t ‘weird’ in the sense that he was more mature or stuck up or stiff or condescending. He wasn’t even all that weird because he was so accident prone. There was something about Jinki that was just…deeper. Deeper than what Jonghyun encountered in most people. When he was with Jinki he always seemed to get distracted so easily-which Jonghyun attributed as to why he was so clumsy. Anyone passing by would catch his eye and not even for very long, no longer than a few seconds. But Jinki would look at a person, any person, see them, assess them, and then he’d come back to Jonghyun and keep the conversation moving.
As time passed Jonghyun learned to ignore it but every so often he would say something to Jinki, some stupid, half hearted passing remark, and Jinki would get this look on his face, a mixture of awe and wonderment and confusion. So many things at once. Jinki spoke entire novels with a single look.
*
“Jinki there is no way you can carry that up the stairs, so just stop right there.” Jonghyun clucked his tongue and pushed his friend away, smacking his arm when Jinki attempted to push him back as well.
“And I suppose you, who’s just recovered the use of his arms after months of physical therapy, are strong enough to do so?”
“Fuck yeah,” Jonghyun said, voice belying machismo and full confidence. “Have you seen these babies?” He flexed his arms which, though not anywhere near what they’d been like last year, were still quite impressive in their own right. From the corner of his eyes he saw Jinki roll his eyes and mutter something that sounded suspiciously like arrogant jerk. Jonghyun’s only answer was to elbow him out of the way with his suitcase in one hand and the other one holding onto the staircase railing.
“You coming?” he called back, not bothering to check and already knowing Jinki was behind him.
“Well this place is…” From the way Jinki trailed off as Jonghyun flipped the lights on his apartment, Jonghyun had no illusions that Jinki’s first impression was all that positive.
“Shitty?”
“I was gonna say…Actually I don’t really know what I was going to say.”
“Right. Well. Thanks for helping me get back home. You wanna grab some dinner together before you head home?”
“Don’t you want to unpack first?”
Jonghyun shook his head, kicking his suitcase up against the wall. “What for? I’m heading out again in the morning. I just gotta move a few clothes into a duffel and I’m good.”
“But you just got back!” The look on Jinki’s face was anything but impressed. Jonghyun wasn’t sure if it was his own imagining or not but he wondered for a second if he’d seen a flash of disappointment cross Jinki’s features.
“So? There’s nothing to do here and everything to do out there,” he replied with another shrug. He turned the lights off again and ushered Jinki back into the hall, closing the door behind them. When he made to head back to the staircase though, he was surprised when Jinki wrapped a firm hand around his forearm and pulled him around.
“Why does the idea of staying in one place make you so…”
“So…what?”
“So lifeless?”
Jonghyun threw his head back and laughed. Jinki had said a lot of ridiculous things to him in the course of their friendship but this was up there on the weird scale. “Lifeless? Don’t be melodramatic Jinki, I’m not lifeless at the idea of staying at home.”
“No it’s-it’s not like that, not exactly, but you just…dim. You get dim. And you shouldn’t ever be like that.”
“I don’t get it,” Jonghyun said slowly, feeling his confusion increase.
“I can see it, okay? Don’t ask me to explain but you-you-you’re like this-I don’t know, like this sun or something. You’re this huge ball of red light but whenever you or I talk about home or staying in one place all that red light just gets sucked out and you’re just dim.”
He was breathing hard by the time he stopped speaking and Jonghyun had no idea what he was supposed to say. Not at all. So he said the first thing that came to mind, even knowing it was exactly the wrong thing to say. “Right. So uhm. Dinner?”
*
He at least called Jinki the next morning, the night after they got dinner. He called to say-well not goodbye, but something akin to parting words.
“How long will you be gone?” Jinki asked, voice soft.
“Depends. Til I live, til I die, who knows what comes soonest.”
“…”
“Jinki? You there?”
“…”
“Hello?”
“What if you die?” His voice was flat and unemotional. Uncaring. Jonghyun found he didn’t like it.
“What if you die?” he threw back.
“You would never know.”
“I’d know eventually. What if I die?”
“I…would…”
“Know eventually.”
“Right. Who would ever tell me? The nurses on my floor the next time I get checked into the hospital?”
“Whether you know the second it happens or 20 years later, what does it matter? What can you do about it anyway after I'm dead?”
“That’s a cruel thing to say to someone who cares whether you live or die.”
“Yeah, probably. Reality is a cruel thing. Anyway, I uh. I gotta go. Before I miss my bus.”
“Right. Okay. Talk to you…?”
“Eventually.”
“…eventually.”
They fell into silence for so long Jonghyun wondered if Jinki had managed to secretly hang up on him. “Jinki?”
“Yeah?”
It was such an absurd thing to say, but Jonghyun decided to say it anyway. “I promise; I’ll try not to die.”
*
In five months Jonghyun managed to travel to Spain, Belgium, France, Italy, and Germany-not necessarily in that order. He found himself drunk off his ass chasing girls in bars with breasts so big they were spilling out of their dresses and right into his hands. He managed to get into no less than 17 bar fights, spent more nights in jail than he’d care to admit, rode a bull, hit 185 on the Autobahn, and let the riches of life flow through his fingers like a cascade of water. Life was good.
Through it all, the girls and the cars and the thrills, Jonghyun inevitably found himself thinking about the clumsy guy who’d looked at him weirdly and worried over Jonghyun’s supposed dimness. He thought about Jinki so much that he found himself buying a ticket back home only a few short months after leaving with no plan in mind other than to see Jinki’s face again and prove he was still alive.
It never occurred to him that a simple phone call would be enough. Or perhaps he simply didn’t want it to be enough.
*
Jinki only looked surprised for a second before the look was replaced with relief. Jonghyun found he had no choice but to kiss that look off his face. No one should ever worry about him enough to feel relief just because he was alive. Wasn’t that what he was proving to himself? That he could live?
Jinki had his fingers threaded through Jonghyun’s hair, fisting dark, thick locks of hair and letting Jonghyun crush their mouths together.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Jinki managed to mumble in between kisses as they stumbled their way to his bedroom.
“And alive?” Jonghyun pushed Jinki onto the bed, letting his eyes roam over Jinki’s form as he fumbled taking his shirt off.
“That too,” he finally answered, licking his lips and staring up at Jonghyun who had, in the time it’d taken Jinki to get his shirt off, taken off all his clothes. Jonghyun watched Jinki’s face turn pink. “And the months have been good to you too.”
Jonghyun barked out an amused laugh, tumbling onto the bed atop Jinki and helped drag his pants down. He bent his head and kissed Jinki again full over the mouth, feeling him shudder beneath him.
“How much did you miss me?” Jonghyun asked as he slid his hands underneath Jinki and rolled them over until the older man was hovering above him.
“Not at all. I barely remember you,” Jinki replied impishly but his grin gave him away. Jonghyun had his hands on Jinki’s ass, fingers sliding over his entrance and teasing him. He shuddered at the near sob Jinki released as he did so, holding him closer, feeling every inch of their bodies aligning.
“I’ve never done this before,” Jinki whispered. “And you’re-”
“I’ve never felt like this Jinki.” He sucked in a huge lungful of air and tightened his arms around Jinki’s body.
“God you’re absolutely glowing,” he heard Jinki mumble but for some reason Jonghyun had the distinct impression he wasn’t meant to have heard it.
He rolled them over again. “We’re gonna come alive tonight,” he promised, grinning down at Jinki who smiled right back up at him. He hooked his arms around Jonghyun’s neck and pulled him down and Jonghyun understood that there wouldn’t be many more coherent words spoken after that.
I’ve never felt like this, he’d said but it was a lie. This, this feeling of power and accomplishment and so much happiness he thought he would burst from it-this was exactly what he went across the world looking for. This was like flying through the air in a beat up Volkswagen; skydiving to his doom; racing down the street faster than his car was meant to go; playing with fire. The only difference?
He felt like he had a lot more to lose if he fucked up.
*
He was able to get the best of both worlds for so long that somewhere along the way Jonghyun missed when one world began burning brighter than the other. He found himself constantly missing something, constantly searching for that something, and constantly having it slip through his fingers. He wondered why the more he did, the more he expected to feel alive, the sharper that feeling of dissatisfaction deepened.
He was always up for something new. Always. Most of the time no one thought he’d do it, things like driving around a dirt ring being chased by a monster truck. Things like…
“You’re still here.”
“I’m still here.”
…staying.
He stared at Jinki as a look of unmistakable relief crossed his face. He remembered the look. He’d seen it a lot. At night when he slept, he’d seen it in reverse a lot in his dreams.
“What’re you staring at yourself for Jinki? Drink your coffee and make me some breakfast bitch.”
“Jerk.” Jinki swatted Jonghyun’s arm, causing him to slosh a dribble of hot coffee down his front. He glared at Jinki who simply smiled and took his cup, placing it on the table beside his own.
“Come here,” Jonghyun whispered, pulling the front of Jinki’s sweatshirt and yanking him close. Jinki ended up straddling him across the chair.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Jinki whimpered against his lips. Jonghyun loved the way he trembled in his arms, mouth still shy and hesitant against his.
He smiled knowingly and answered, without hesitation, “And alive?”
“That too,” Jinki remarked. “Thanks for not dying on me,” he joked.
Jonghyun laughed and kissed Jinki’s cheek, his jaw, nibbled his ear. “Thanks for helping me live,” he murmured, feeling it was completely true, finally living.
Who knew it could be such a simple thing?
---end---