SBB 2015 ENTRY #23: THE REDBAND FEATURE (3/3)
Title: The Redband Feature (3/3)
Pairing: Onew/Key (Gwiboon), Jonghyun/Minho
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: n/a
Final Word Count: 21,700+
Jinki woke up the next day to the bed rocking slightly. He was lying on his stomach, blankets coming up to his waist. Sleep further left him when he felt Key - at least he hoped it was her, good God - sit on top of his butt. She leaned into him and he groaned when she bit the shell of his ear. “I made you breakfast.”
“Mm,” Jinki affirmed, muffled by the pillow. He turned his head to the side and used up all of his morning strength to roll over, causing her to fall on the bed, her one leg caught under his weight.
“Ah!” Key tried to kick herself free. Jinki complied, laughing as he rubbed his eyes.
She picked up a tray from the side of the bed and rested it on Jinki’s lap. The spread was pretty impressive.
“That’s eggs benedict. I saw it on a website. And those are strawberries and pancakes and hot chocolate.” Key sat beside him and kissed his cheek.
Jinki looked at her with clear admiration. “You are amazing.”
“I guess you get a back massage.”
“I do?”
Key was already climbing in the space between his back and the headboard. She sat on the pillows and slid the heels of her palms from his lower back to his shoulders, adding pressure.
Jinki swayed back and forth a bit, enjoying his breakfast and his massage and being in the bed where they had sex just hours ago.
“So I was snooping around your room earlier -”
“What?” Key interrupted him, surprised.
Jinki laughed. “It’s fine. You were asleep. Ow!” Jinki ducked a little too late when Key flicked his nape. “I have something of relevance to say. Do you want to hear it?”
“What could be an appropriate follow up to, ‘I was going through your stuff while you were sleeping’?”
“If you’d be quiet, I’d tell you. Ow!” She flicked him again. “How are you doing that so strongly?” Jinki continued when she kept quiet and was probably just glaring at him. “So, I saw your notebook of stuff you wrote?”
Key stopped moving. “My diary?”
“No, it was like, all poetry.”
“That’s how I write in my diary. I write them all in poems.”
“Oh,” Jinki stared at his eggs, the center dripping down to the plate. “Oh, shit.” He craned his neck to the side, trying to look at her. “I didn’t know. I didn’t even read that much. Just enough to know that your writing is -”
“Did you film it?”
“No, of course not.”
“Okay.” Key sighed. She made her way back to the bed, sitting on her calves.
Jinki set the tray on the opposite side so that he could face her. “Are you mad?”
“Kind of,” she replied.
“I am so sorry. I regret doing any of it.” Jinki rubbed her arms in a manner he hoped was comforting. “I could give you my journal.”
“You have a journal?”
“No, but I could start one? It won’t be as eloquent, but -” Key stopped him with a kiss.
“Jinki, it’s okay. I just… there are very few things that I get to keep to myself.”
“I know, and I am so fucking sorry.”
Key straddled his lap. “Jinki, shut up. I’m fine with it. Because I like the way you look at me. And I know that hasn’t changed.”
“Of course not.” Jinki tucked her hair behind her ear, noticing that she had some hair around the side of her face. It was unusual but beautiful. Jinki smiled at her nose ring, poking it.
She slapped his hand away. “What are you doing?”
“You take that off when you do a scene?”
“No, I just tuck it inside. Wanna see?”
Ecstatic, Jinki nodded.
Then Key pushed her nose ring up into her nose with both thumbs. “As long as you don’t look up my nose, it’s fine. See?”
Jinki seemed impressed. “Well done.”
“Thank you.” Key leaned back and picked up a strawberry, feeding it to Jinki. “Your phone kept ringing the whole morning, by the way.”
Jinki rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I think that’s just my best friend.”
--
Jonghyun found it hilarious when Minho saw him occupying a table at the diner that morning and all he did was roll his eyes and mouth “Oh my, God” as he entered the kitchen. Jonghyun left Jinki a quick voice message that began with, “I guess you’re in,” and ended with, “this is a bad idea. See ya.”
The second he walked into the kitchen, all eyes on were on him. Jonghyun scanned the place for Minho and couldn’t find his luscious head of hair anywhere. He did, however, find several heads of hair covered in hairnets, one of which was quick to reprimand him, “Sir, you can’t be in here.”
Jonghyun sidestepped to avoid the guy and proceeded inside. “I’m looking for Minho?”
“Sir.”
“Hyung, I got it,” came Minho’s reply from one of the doorways. Minho was tying his apron around the back, looking at Jonghyun as though he were about to kill him. “Jonghyun, you can’t be in here. My boss is gonna kill me.”
“Not until you hear me out.”
“Let’s go outside.”
“Done.” Jonghyun was quick to agree, nodding at one of the cooks. “The food’s great.” Minho grabbed him by the collar and practically hauled him out of there through the backdoor.
“Jonghyun, seriously.”
Jonghyun pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered Minho a stick. “Smoke?”
“I’m working, man.”
Jonghyun pulled out the stick with his teeth and lit it. “This won’t take long.”
Minho crossed his arms and sighed.
“You were right the first time. I do like you. And I’d like to apologize for being petty and for making you feel obligated to divulge information about yourself that isn’t a big deal. So you’re a go-go boy. Big whoop. My best friend is currently in love with a pornstar so. It can’t be worse than that.”
“Gee, thanks.” Minho leaned against the wall.
“You know what I meant.” Jonghyun half-shrugged. “100% compatibility is bullshit, right? You have to put up with a lot of stuff from me too.”
“I disagree.” Minho shook his head. “I think it’s totally possible to 100% compatible with someone. And I don’t want to be tolerated for something that I love to do. Do you?”
“I don’t know, Minho. I came here out on a limb, hoping to - forget it. I’m gonna stop wasting your time.” Jonghyun didn’t want to be there anymore. It stopped being funny the moment he saw the way Minho looked at him.
“Jonghyun -”
“I’ll see ya,” Jonghyun held his hand up and waved without turning back around.
--
Jinki placed the camera on the cooler and the first shot was of Key jumping in excitement in the distance, donned in a bikini top under a mesh shirt and some shorts, spinning around while her feet dug into the sand. “Come on, Jinki!”
“One second, I just wanna make sure it’s in focus.”
“But the whole world is out of focus! It’s beautiful that way!”
Jinki was crouched behind the camera, cringing. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
Key stood with her feet apart, shaking her hips side to side, hands together in front of her. “Jinki!” She whined.
“It’s done, it’s done.”
She squeaked and ran to the ocean, Jinki sprinting right after her, slipping off his shirt while she did the same. They left a trail of their clothes as they dove into the water. From the camera, all that could be seen were ant-sized versions of them, wrestling each other into the water and tumbling when the waves came in.
The camera cut off when Jinki was carrying Key on his shoulders, then back on when they had laid a towel out. Key was slicing up some watermelon while Jinki prepped the camera, hit record and turned the screen around so that they could see themselves.
“It’s still working?” Key asked.
Jinki crawled back on the towel. “Yeah. I think the memory just ran out.”
He hadn’t seen the ocean in a while. The city had its merits and he didn’t think he could live out by the ocean for a number of reasons, but he’d like to think he was the kind of person who could accept its beauty along with the tragedy that came with it; like tsunamis and sharks and the very real possibility of drowning.
“All we ever do is eat and talk in your videos,” she commented.
He smiled because he realized so quickly that she didn’t mean it as a complaint. “What’s been your favorite part so far?”
“The part where we fucked on camera,” she said without looking at him, and inevitably grinning when Jinki reacted instantly, stuttering his way through his explanation that they hadn’t done that. “Well, not yet.”
Jinki flipped her off which just made her laugh harder. He could listen to just that all day.
Five thousand - surely, it was less - slices of watermelon and one burping contest later, Jinki thought it was the most appropriate time to ask, “How come we never talk about your family?”
“You never ask,” she said simply, gathering watermelon seeds into a watermelon seed hill. Jinki noticed that she liked keeping her hands busy, whether it was during conversation or a meal or sex.
“Am I allowed to?”
“Of course you are.”
“Okay,” Jinki started, “do they know?”
“Yes.”
“What do they think?” Jinki sat Indian style, his elbows propped on his knees.
“Oh, they love it.”
Jinki squinted at her. “I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.”
“I’m actually not. My family’s pretty open about this stuff. And they trust me.”
He just stared at her, quiet.
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“It’s just… different.”
“My family is different.”
Jinki watched her hands gather the seeds and drop them into a plastic bag. “You’re not going to tell me more about that, are you?”
“Probably not.” She smiled. “They really are okay with it, but… I’d rather not attach them to this part of my life. Doesn’t feel right.”
Jinki nodded, not understanding her completely. But if she wanted to leave it at that, he wasn’t going to pry.
“How is this looking so far, by the way?” Key pushed her lips out and used them to point at the camera. “Your project.”
“You look beautiful in it, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“It wasn’t, but I appreciate it.” She stretched her leg to toe the hairs on his. “I want to see it. Promise me that I’ll get to see it. No matter what happens.”
--
Jinki rolled closer to his desk, plugging in the proper cords to transfer and edit two weeks’ worth of Key. Jinki enjoyed the task. Time was never enough, and each day was a new layer of her waiting to be discovered.
He started with the interview in the grocery store where she showed him how she shopped, then they went to the laundromat to pick up her clothes. She even showed him the school girl outfit that she kept from her first shoot. He paused and grinned at that shot because later that night, she put it on and made him increasingly aroused and uncomfortable as she re-enacted what she could remember of it.
They found a spot by the river in the next footage and Jinki heard himself ask her if she’d ever dated anyone in the industry.
“No,” she answered, trying to get strands of hair out of her face, wind just blowing it back in the same direction. “Or wait. Uhm. Yeah, no.”
“Why’d you have to think about that?” Came Jinki’s disembodied voice. Key laughed.
“Just because.” She grinned. “Dot, dot, dot.”
Jinki paused that and looked through his file for another interview they did in her apartment, one where she was wearing his shirt and he had just helped organize what they could of her things. She sat by the foot of the bed while Jinki held the camera as it rested on his stomach, leaning against the headboard.
“Have you ever been in love?” He asked.
“I have.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“No.” She answered quickly, hiding her smile behind the ball of her knee that was pressed up against her chest.
“Do you wanna get married someday?”
“Are you proposing?”
The way Jinki slowly answered, “no,” seemed comical to her.
“I do want to get married. Someday.”
“Do you think you’ll still be doing this when that happens?”
“I honestly don’t know. I like what I’m doing now and who I am now. But I don’t know if I’ll always feel that way about myself.”
Jinki shifted the camera and the shot went out of focus momentarily. “Do you know how many people you’ve slept with?”
“You mean, in general?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t…” she tried to hold in a laugh, but she seemed embarrassed. “I don’t know. I tried to make a list before and just kept losing count. It can’t be that many. I think it’s easily between 50 to a 100.”
Jinki fast-forwarded through something he said, hit play when he recognized the shot where she was speaking again. “It’s funny how people associate so much of your sex life with who you are as a person. If things were aptly judged that way, then you’d have to consider all decisions that a person makes because who they fuck is as natural as what they eat. So, there should be rules around that too. And then right minus wrong situations like, ‘Oh, I heard she slept with so and so and that dude in one day so she must be a horrible person with no self-control. But then again, she’s vegan so I think she’s okay.’ Like that, you know what I mean?”
Jinki paused it. He typed down the last part of what she said and superimposed it in the shot to show up as she said it, just to stress that point. He went on with other parts of that video, cutting out some blank spaces and shots of them just flirting with each other or discussing dinner plans. He came to a part where he asked the question, “Are you monogamous?”
“I think monogamy is a rare thing. But I think it’s totally possible.”
--
Jinki hit record and filmed Key struggling to lock her door properly on their way out to her shoot. She placed her palm on the lens and laughed when she realized he was filming, saying, “you’re only supposed to capture moments when I’m profound and amazing.”
“All moments.”
“You’re a piece of shit, Jinki.”
The car ride there, she didn’t stop talking. She turned the radio up each time they were at a stop light and danced in her seat, making use of the limited space that she had. Jinki did the same because it was contagious, but he did his best not to shake the camera so much that it would make viewers puke. Then he remembered something she said about life being beautiful and out of focus. He slowly halted his dancing then and just watched her shine through heavily tilted windows.
If he really thought about it, it made perfect sense that he was maybe kind of falling in love with her. Key was the kind of the stuff that artists dreamt about. Not that he would consider himself an artist by any means, not yet. At times, when he rewatched his interviews of her, he knew that 90% of why he loved this piece so much was because of her. She made him excited about what he did.
On set, Jinki met with the director, who was a woman, much to Jinki’s surprise. He pushed down that 1% of stereotypes that occupied his brain and just took it for what it was.
“Hi,” she said to Jinki’s camera. “My name is Lydia Tease. I’m an ex-mattress actress and I now direct. Was that good?”
“That was perfect,” Jinki replied.
“My best work so far has been Titan-dick. Get it?”
“Uhm…”
“Like Titanic, but the porn version. I was nominated for the foreign category at the AVN.”
“So, like, it’s about sex on a ship?”
“No, it’s about a girl who loses her virginity to a shark.”
Jinki’s lips paused at the beginning of a, “what,” waiting for a punch line that never came.
Lydia went on to introduce their shoot for today, going, “so we’re shooting Key’s very first anal porn today. I’m very excited to work with her. I’ve seen her stuff before and she’s very talented.”
“How can you tell that?”
Lydia gestured about her breasts, “for women, a lot of the acting is in the nipples. And hers get hard really fast, it’s impressive.”
--
Key pulled Jinki back in when he was about to duck out of the dressing room as he discovered her naked. “Come on, you can see my routine. Just do the mosaic thing.”
The first thing she did was line up sex toys that were stored in boxes. She rested each one, head side up, on the dressing room makeup table, next to brushes and blush. “These were all given to me by fans, off of my wish list. So, thank you.”
“Has anyone ever recognized you and come up to you in public before?”
“Oh yeah, a few times. Some even had their wives with them.” Key laughed.
“What do they say?”
“Things like, ‘I came five times when I saw you in that forest orgy one.’”
Jinki grinned. “And you respond…?”
“I say thanks. Then I get on my knees and blow them,” Key watched Jinki’s face go from disbelief to understanding.
“You’re kidding.”
Key rolled her eyes. She went on, “Funny story; I checked my Twitter today and a guy I knew from high school who ignored me for like years followed me.”
“He was a popular guy?”
“Yeah, one of those. I’d hate fuck him, but then I saw his pictures now and he looks like he has pimples on his ass, you know what I mean?”
Jinki laughed. He didn’t get it, but that’s probably why he found it funny. The things that came out of her mouth sometimes just caught him off guard.
She picked up a curved, glass dildo from the lineup of toys and showed it off to Jinki. “This is my favorite. I’ve tried a couple of buttplugs to prep for today, but these seem to work a lot better?” She ran the tip of her index finger over the inner curve of the toy. “This helps a lot. Because if you put it in like this, go a little slow, it feels really good.”
Jinki took a mental note of that. He didn’t think he’d be forgetting about that anyway. She went on to explain the “essentials” that she collected for her shoot. Just as she was explaining a type of yoga position that Jinki didn’t understand the technicalities of but was fine to just watch her attempt, a knock came on the door. She answered and was handed a box of feminine douche by one of the lackeys on set. “Just in time.”
He was mesmerized. Apart from the obvious, like her looking extra fuckable that day, she talked about what she did with so much passion. She came to work early, greeted everyone with enthusiasm, introduced Jinki to whom she recognized amongst the roster and just looked generally pleased to be in the company of people who took this medium seriously. It was odd, but Jinki understood as much. Jinki didn’t think he had a huge problem with porn to begin with, but this was a new facet to it that was clearly undiscovered by many.
“You can’t actually take yourself so seriously. Some people do. I think I do sometimes too.” Key explained as she spread lotion around the lips of her vagina. “But at the end of the day, you kind of have to see it from the outside and realize that it’s just sex and it’s just porn. I can’t speak for everybody, but for someone like me who went into this on my own volition, I know that I could have said no. I know that there were other ways to be where I am now, but none were fast enough or, honestly, as fun.” She laughed.
--
Key had been called onto set about 20 minutes ago and Jinki remained inside the dressing room and debated whether he should watch her or not. Surprisingly, he was fine with her doing this. There was some hesitation on his side, sure, but when he really thought about it, what he felt was so petty against her passion for her job. So it probably wasn’t that what was stopping him from watching her. He didn’t know what it was, really.
He browsed through the footage he had from earlier, lowering the volume and he realized that everything he had filmed had been Gwiboon. He hadn’t met Key once. He left his camera inside the room and stepped out. Instantly, he heard her. He turned back around, rolled his eyes, then turned around again and proceeded down the hall. To his right was the set, just beyond the divider.
From behind the backs of staff, the director, the producer, the sound guy, was a well-lit bedroom set. And on the bed was Key, cheek pushed into the sheets, her ass up. Behind her was the guy Jinki spoke with earlier. He had footage of him talking about how all that mattered in his life were good wine and good ass.
The sheet was damp where Key’s face lay, and Jinki wondered what that was. He stepped back and leaned against the divider, closing his eyes. He didn’t know how long he stood there. The next thing he knew, Key was walking past him and Jinki followed her, leaving behind the sound of the staff clapping and Lydia saying, “Good job, everybody. Where’s Key?”
Jinki shut the door behind him as he entered the dressing room after Key. She dropped her robe and reached for a baby wipe, cleaning the cum off of her stomach, expression unreadable. Jinki stood by the door, shifting his weight around both feet. He would pace, but he couldn’t move.
“I hated that,” was Key’s single explanation as she rubbed her skin until it was red. “He smelled like corn chips and he didn’t listen to me - is there cum in my hair?”
“I don’t… no.”
“Fuck.” She threw the used baby wipe on the ground and raked her fingers into her hair. “Could you drive me home?”
Jinki moved then as though he were shackled to his spot before. He gathered his things, the keys and walked ahead of her as soon as she was dressed. She winced getting into the car. Jinki couldn’t look at her. They were both quiet until they were inside her apartment and the first thing she did was slip her clothes off and fill her tub with cold water.
Jinki watched her from the living room, feeling useless. “Do you need any help?”
“I got it.” She gathered ice trays in her arms and took them with her to the bathroom where she dumped the ice in the water until it covered the first layer.
“Let me help you.”
“I said I got it, Jinki.” She veered away from his touch even before he could reach out to her. She lowered herself in the bath tub, sinking slowly. It was when she started crying that Jinki left the bathroom and sat on the couch in the living room.
Jinki didn’t like the sound of crying, let alone hearing Key bawl her eyes out from where he was sitting felt like a noose around his neck. He couldn’t help her, couldn’t touch her, he knew that she was in pain, but how could he help lick wounds neither of them could see?
It was unfair of him to treat her as two separate people. He objectified Key as much as he cared for Gwiboon and she suffered for the both of them. He was a fucking idiot. How the fuck did he manage to convince himself that he was knew how to handle this? He scratched his cheek, only then realizing that it was wet with one tear. That frustrated him even more. You know when you can’t process something because it’s all over the place and you’re all over the place so you just kind of sit in one place and fixate on something random without seeing it then your body wants you to cry but your mind forgets what crying is for so you just look like those old paintings with that one perfect tear on their cheek? Yeah, Jinki realized that though it would make a beautiful shot, he hated it.
During one of their earlier sit down interviews, Key told him that she was 17 when she started. 17 and half. She was young, impressionable, ready to roll with the punches. But suddenly, the events of that day were different from how he initially thought. He imagined her walking into the audition with her wide smile, and coming out of it with only half the clothes she wore when she came in, the innocence that she held for 17 years, devoured in an hour.
He packed his camera and left soon after.
--
Jonghyun was in charge of Jinki’s phone for the next week. Each time they went out to drink their sorrows under the table, he made sure that he had zero opportunities to call Key or answer her calls. Jonghyun concurred on the agreement that Jinki punch his balls each time he mentioned Minho’s name.
On one of those particular nights, Jinki asked his best friend, “Tell me honestly. Did you really like Minho? You didn’t just want to do sex with him?”
“Do sex.” Jonghyun rolled his eyes. “I don’t know. I would have liked to find out. He made me -”
“Happy?”
Jonghyun shook his head. “Really sad, actually.”
Confused, Jinki asked, “Why would you ever like someone who made you sad?”
“It’s not that he made me sad per se.” Jonghyun stared at his shot glass. “It’s like I was already sad to begin with. And I only realized that after I met him.”
Jinki paused midway through his shot, brows furrowed. “You know you can always talk to me, right?”
Jonghyun was quiet. He offered his friend a crooked smile, tracing the mouth of his glass with his finger. “Why do people say that it’s unhealthy to rely so much of your happiness on someone else?”
“Coz when they leave, then what becomes of you?”
It was Jonghyun’s turn to look confused. “You mean, ‘if’ they leave. How sad would it be to fall in love with someone and expect them to hurt you?”
“It’s a lot more realistic than expecting they never will,” Jinki replied. “I mean, we’re all human. At some point, everyone is going to let you down. It’s as real as death.”
“So you have a one strike policy thing? That’s why you left her apartment?”
“She didn’t fuck up, I did.”
Jonghyun held up Jinki’s phone when it began vibrating in his pocket. On the screen was Key’s number, calling him. “Then why won’t you speak to her? She clearly wants to see you.”
“I can’t do anything for her.”
“Literally just picking up her call is you doing something for her.”
Jinki pushed his hand away. “You don’t get it.”
“Psh,” Jonghyun pocketed Jinki’s phone again. “That’s such an easy out. And basically how to be the asshole in the conversation and not have to admit it.”
“I am an asshole. I admit that.” Jinki shrugged. “And the reason I’m keeping away is because I don’t even know where to begin with her and…”
“What the fuck are you doing explaining this to me?” Jonghyun slid his phone back to him.
--
“I don’t know where to begin with you.” Jinki couldn’t even look at her. She wore a dress and her eyes looked like they were rubbed red. She looked tired and nervous, she messed up trying to order earlier and she almost burned her hair when she lit her cigarette, but fuck, she was gorgeous.
“I don’t think I understand.” She slowly spun the tea cup on its saucer, elbows leaning against the edge of the table, watching his hands closely. “I’ve never lied to you once.”
“I know. I mean,” Jinki tried, “I don’t think I can just stand and watch while you venture into something and get hurt by it.”
“But I’m fine?” Key said. “It was painful, yes. And I know I was cranky, but I knew that it was one of those things where I just had to bite the bullet.”
“See, that. I don’t think I can wrap my head around that.”
“Jinki, it’s my body.”
“It is, I totally agree,” Jinki said instantly. “And I don’t ever want to make you feel like you should adjust your lifestyle to what I approve of. I don’t think you should do that for anyone. There are just things about you that I collected in short clips. And I thought, ‘I get it. I get you.’ I don’t though. Surprise, surprise. Who you are is beyond my understanding. I want to just be there with you, but I’m not all there because I’m uncomfortable.”
“Why were you uncomfortable?”
He was uncomfortable because he believed one thing and she did another. “I think it was wrong, what happened that day. I don’t know why you felt as though you had to do it. No money was worth that.”
“It wasn’t about the money,” Key replied.
“Then why?”
“Okay, well, it was partly the money,” she smiled. That smile quickly faded when she saw that Jinki didn’t mirror it this time. “The other part was because it’s my job. I’m a pornstar.”
“Yeah, I don’t get that.” Jinki leaned back. He didn’t want to have this conversation because he was afraid of feeling this way, like he was getting further and further away from her.
“Pain isn’t exactly outside of my job description.”
“It wasn’t just that, Key.” Jinki shook his head. “You were distraught. You couldn’t look me in the eyes, you didn’t want to be touched - like you want me there, but you want me to go.” Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
“What are you saying?”
Jinki watched her hook a thumb beneath the strap of her dress that slid down to her arm, quickly tugging it back in place. It became clear to him then that they were both fixated on each other, but ultimately for very different reasons. “I’m a pretty good guy, I think.”
Key smiled. “You are.”
“And I care about you,” Jinki reached for her hands across the table, holding them tighter when he felt her trying to pull away. “But I can’t save you.”
She managed to tug her hands from his, placing them on her lap, under the table. “I didn’t think so. You’re too nice.”
That time, Jinki did smile. It wasn’t because he was happy; he was overwhelmed with the immense amount of guilt that pooled in the pit of his stomach. If he were a betting man, he would say that she’d be finding reasons like that about people in her life for quite a while, anything to convince herself that no, not him, not her, try again. He ached for the pain that was going to befall her, envied the person in her future who would teach her to love herself, wished he could wear that person’s skin and drink in the words they’d say to make her finally see herself the way the world saw her - the way he saw her.
Key grabbed her bag and rummaged through it, managing to fish out Jinki’s rolled up hat. She stood up, slung her bag over her shoulder. She walked over to his side of the table and returned his hat back to him. “I was serious about the movie. I wanna see it, okay?”
Jinki looked up at her, but he couldn’t hold her gaze. “You will.”
“Thank you.” She squeezed his shoulder, her touch leaving him as she walked out. He touched his shoulder where his skin was still warm under her palm.
--
“I loved it.” Jinki got a call from Key as his classmates and professor viewed the film inside. Jinki stood outside in the hallway, fiddling the lock of a random locker. “And I’m calling to collect my money, you exploiter.”
Jinki protested with very little enthusiasm, “I distinctly remember paying for a lot of your dinners during those shoots. So. I think we’re square.”
She heard her laugh through the other line, and some people in the background. “Where are you?”
“It is loud?” It sounded like she covered the speaker with her palm. Jinki heard muffled sounds of a door locking. “Is this better?”
“Yeah.” They were quiet after that though.
Just until Key spoke again, “You never told me what you thought about my poem.”
“What poem?”
“The one from your hat. What else?”
Jinki’s eyes widened. “Wait, what?”
“You didn’t see it?”
“No!” Jinki took his hat off and searched the inside. “Where -?”
“Little fold, right side.”
Jinki clipped the phone between his shoulder and his ear, looking through his hat until he found the little piece of paper that was folded. It was one of the few times where he was glad he didn’t wash his hat. The rest of the time, he couldn’t care less.
“I found it.” He got no reply as he unfolded the piece of paper and read it.
He remained expressionless throughout, jaw tightening two stanzas in and by the time he was done, he folded it back up and tucked it in his hat, donning it once again. Apart from his head, his hat protected something equally as valuable in his life now. He heard her breath from the line, far away voices and music. He pictured her in a bathroom somewhere or a closet, clinging to her phone, not speaking or hearing but just trying to place herself where he was, feeling.
The next thing he knew, his professor was peeking out from the door of the classroom, calling his attention. “We’ve just finished. You ready for the question and answer?”
“One second.” Jinki pointed at his phone. His professor went back inside. “Key.”
“I heard. Uhm, okay. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Yeah.” Jinki added, “Key?”
“Jinki?”
He pulled his hat down his face a bit. “Happy Birthday.”
She was quiet for a few seconds. “Thank you. Good luck with your Q&A.”
“Thanks.” He hung up, tucked his phone in his pocket, and took a deep breath. He entered the classroom and was greeted with a mixture of expressions, some confused, some ecstatic, and some just downright offended. Jinki grinned as he walked to the head of the class.
notes: Loosely inspired by this beautiful film. Certain events were taken from actual interviews of porn actresses. I’d like to properly thank someone for holding my hand through this fic, but I’ll save that for when the author’s names are revealed. You know who you are anyway. This is for you!
<< Part Two | The End
Pairing: Onew/Key (Gwiboon), Jonghyun/Minho
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: n/a
Final Word Count: 21,700+
Jinki woke up the next day to the bed rocking slightly. He was lying on his stomach, blankets coming up to his waist. Sleep further left him when he felt Key - at least he hoped it was her, good God - sit on top of his butt. She leaned into him and he groaned when she bit the shell of his ear. “I made you breakfast.”
“Mm,” Jinki affirmed, muffled by the pillow. He turned his head to the side and used up all of his morning strength to roll over, causing her to fall on the bed, her one leg caught under his weight.
“Ah!” Key tried to kick herself free. Jinki complied, laughing as he rubbed his eyes.
She picked up a tray from the side of the bed and rested it on Jinki’s lap. The spread was pretty impressive.
“That’s eggs benedict. I saw it on a website. And those are strawberries and pancakes and hot chocolate.” Key sat beside him and kissed his cheek.
Jinki looked at her with clear admiration. “You are amazing.”
“I guess you get a back massage.”
“I do?”
Key was already climbing in the space between his back and the headboard. She sat on the pillows and slid the heels of her palms from his lower back to his shoulders, adding pressure.
Jinki swayed back and forth a bit, enjoying his breakfast and his massage and being in the bed where they had sex just hours ago.
“So I was snooping around your room earlier -”
“What?” Key interrupted him, surprised.
Jinki laughed. “It’s fine. You were asleep. Ow!” Jinki ducked a little too late when Key flicked his nape. “I have something of relevance to say. Do you want to hear it?”
“What could be an appropriate follow up to, ‘I was going through your stuff while you were sleeping’?”
“If you’d be quiet, I’d tell you. Ow!” She flicked him again. “How are you doing that so strongly?” Jinki continued when she kept quiet and was probably just glaring at him. “So, I saw your notebook of stuff you wrote?”
Key stopped moving. “My diary?”
“No, it was like, all poetry.”
“That’s how I write in my diary. I write them all in poems.”
“Oh,” Jinki stared at his eggs, the center dripping down to the plate. “Oh, shit.” He craned his neck to the side, trying to look at her. “I didn’t know. I didn’t even read that much. Just enough to know that your writing is -”
“Did you film it?”
“No, of course not.”
“Okay.” Key sighed. She made her way back to the bed, sitting on her calves.
Jinki set the tray on the opposite side so that he could face her. “Are you mad?”
“Kind of,” she replied.
“I am so sorry. I regret doing any of it.” Jinki rubbed her arms in a manner he hoped was comforting. “I could give you my journal.”
“You have a journal?”
“No, but I could start one? It won’t be as eloquent, but -” Key stopped him with a kiss.
“Jinki, it’s okay. I just… there are very few things that I get to keep to myself.”
“I know, and I am so fucking sorry.”
Key straddled his lap. “Jinki, shut up. I’m fine with it. Because I like the way you look at me. And I know that hasn’t changed.”
“Of course not.” Jinki tucked her hair behind her ear, noticing that she had some hair around the side of her face. It was unusual but beautiful. Jinki smiled at her nose ring, poking it.
She slapped his hand away. “What are you doing?”
“You take that off when you do a scene?”
“No, I just tuck it inside. Wanna see?”
Ecstatic, Jinki nodded.
Then Key pushed her nose ring up into her nose with both thumbs. “As long as you don’t look up my nose, it’s fine. See?”
Jinki seemed impressed. “Well done.”
“Thank you.” Key leaned back and picked up a strawberry, feeding it to Jinki. “Your phone kept ringing the whole morning, by the way.”
Jinki rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I think that’s just my best friend.”
--
Jonghyun found it hilarious when Minho saw him occupying a table at the diner that morning and all he did was roll his eyes and mouth “Oh my, God” as he entered the kitchen. Jonghyun left Jinki a quick voice message that began with, “I guess you’re in,” and ended with, “this is a bad idea. See ya.”
The second he walked into the kitchen, all eyes on were on him. Jonghyun scanned the place for Minho and couldn’t find his luscious head of hair anywhere. He did, however, find several heads of hair covered in hairnets, one of which was quick to reprimand him, “Sir, you can’t be in here.”
Jonghyun sidestepped to avoid the guy and proceeded inside. “I’m looking for Minho?”
“Sir.”
“Hyung, I got it,” came Minho’s reply from one of the doorways. Minho was tying his apron around the back, looking at Jonghyun as though he were about to kill him. “Jonghyun, you can’t be in here. My boss is gonna kill me.”
“Not until you hear me out.”
“Let’s go outside.”
“Done.” Jonghyun was quick to agree, nodding at one of the cooks. “The food’s great.” Minho grabbed him by the collar and practically hauled him out of there through the backdoor.
“Jonghyun, seriously.”
Jonghyun pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered Minho a stick. “Smoke?”
“I’m working, man.”
Jonghyun pulled out the stick with his teeth and lit it. “This won’t take long.”
Minho crossed his arms and sighed.
“You were right the first time. I do like you. And I’d like to apologize for being petty and for making you feel obligated to divulge information about yourself that isn’t a big deal. So you’re a go-go boy. Big whoop. My best friend is currently in love with a pornstar so. It can’t be worse than that.”
“Gee, thanks.” Minho leaned against the wall.
“You know what I meant.” Jonghyun half-shrugged. “100% compatibility is bullshit, right? You have to put up with a lot of stuff from me too.”
“I disagree.” Minho shook his head. “I think it’s totally possible to 100% compatible with someone. And I don’t want to be tolerated for something that I love to do. Do you?”
“I don’t know, Minho. I came here out on a limb, hoping to - forget it. I’m gonna stop wasting your time.” Jonghyun didn’t want to be there anymore. It stopped being funny the moment he saw the way Minho looked at him.
“Jonghyun -”
“I’ll see ya,” Jonghyun held his hand up and waved without turning back around.
--
Jinki placed the camera on the cooler and the first shot was of Key jumping in excitement in the distance, donned in a bikini top under a mesh shirt and some shorts, spinning around while her feet dug into the sand. “Come on, Jinki!”
“One second, I just wanna make sure it’s in focus.”
“But the whole world is out of focus! It’s beautiful that way!”
Jinki was crouched behind the camera, cringing. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
Key stood with her feet apart, shaking her hips side to side, hands together in front of her. “Jinki!” She whined.
“It’s done, it’s done.”
She squeaked and ran to the ocean, Jinki sprinting right after her, slipping off his shirt while she did the same. They left a trail of their clothes as they dove into the water. From the camera, all that could be seen were ant-sized versions of them, wrestling each other into the water and tumbling when the waves came in.
The camera cut off when Jinki was carrying Key on his shoulders, then back on when they had laid a towel out. Key was slicing up some watermelon while Jinki prepped the camera, hit record and turned the screen around so that they could see themselves.
“It’s still working?” Key asked.
Jinki crawled back on the towel. “Yeah. I think the memory just ran out.”
He hadn’t seen the ocean in a while. The city had its merits and he didn’t think he could live out by the ocean for a number of reasons, but he’d like to think he was the kind of person who could accept its beauty along with the tragedy that came with it; like tsunamis and sharks and the very real possibility of drowning.
“All we ever do is eat and talk in your videos,” she commented.
He smiled because he realized so quickly that she didn’t mean it as a complaint. “What’s been your favorite part so far?”
“The part where we fucked on camera,” she said without looking at him, and inevitably grinning when Jinki reacted instantly, stuttering his way through his explanation that they hadn’t done that. “Well, not yet.”
Jinki flipped her off which just made her laugh harder. He could listen to just that all day.
Five thousand - surely, it was less - slices of watermelon and one burping contest later, Jinki thought it was the most appropriate time to ask, “How come we never talk about your family?”
“You never ask,” she said simply, gathering watermelon seeds into a watermelon seed hill. Jinki noticed that she liked keeping her hands busy, whether it was during conversation or a meal or sex.
“Am I allowed to?”
“Of course you are.”
“Okay,” Jinki started, “do they know?”
“Yes.”
“What do they think?” Jinki sat Indian style, his elbows propped on his knees.
“Oh, they love it.”
Jinki squinted at her. “I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.”
“I’m actually not. My family’s pretty open about this stuff. And they trust me.”
He just stared at her, quiet.
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“It’s just… different.”
“My family is different.”
Jinki watched her hands gather the seeds and drop them into a plastic bag. “You’re not going to tell me more about that, are you?”
“Probably not.” She smiled. “They really are okay with it, but… I’d rather not attach them to this part of my life. Doesn’t feel right.”
Jinki nodded, not understanding her completely. But if she wanted to leave it at that, he wasn’t going to pry.
“How is this looking so far, by the way?” Key pushed her lips out and used them to point at the camera. “Your project.”
“You look beautiful in it, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“It wasn’t, but I appreciate it.” She stretched her leg to toe the hairs on his. “I want to see it. Promise me that I’ll get to see it. No matter what happens.”
--
Jinki rolled closer to his desk, plugging in the proper cords to transfer and edit two weeks’ worth of Key. Jinki enjoyed the task. Time was never enough, and each day was a new layer of her waiting to be discovered.
He started with the interview in the grocery store where she showed him how she shopped, then they went to the laundromat to pick up her clothes. She even showed him the school girl outfit that she kept from her first shoot. He paused and grinned at that shot because later that night, she put it on and made him increasingly aroused and uncomfortable as she re-enacted what she could remember of it.
They found a spot by the river in the next footage and Jinki heard himself ask her if she’d ever dated anyone in the industry.
“No,” she answered, trying to get strands of hair out of her face, wind just blowing it back in the same direction. “Or wait. Uhm. Yeah, no.”
“Why’d you have to think about that?” Came Jinki’s disembodied voice. Key laughed.
“Just because.” She grinned. “Dot, dot, dot.”
Jinki paused that and looked through his file for another interview they did in her apartment, one where she was wearing his shirt and he had just helped organize what they could of her things. She sat by the foot of the bed while Jinki held the camera as it rested on his stomach, leaning against the headboard.
“Have you ever been in love?” He asked.
“I have.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“No.” She answered quickly, hiding her smile behind the ball of her knee that was pressed up against her chest.
“Do you wanna get married someday?”
“Are you proposing?”
The way Jinki slowly answered, “no,” seemed comical to her.
“I do want to get married. Someday.”
“Do you think you’ll still be doing this when that happens?”
“I honestly don’t know. I like what I’m doing now and who I am now. But I don’t know if I’ll always feel that way about myself.”
Jinki shifted the camera and the shot went out of focus momentarily. “Do you know how many people you’ve slept with?”
“You mean, in general?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t…” she tried to hold in a laugh, but she seemed embarrassed. “I don’t know. I tried to make a list before and just kept losing count. It can’t be that many. I think it’s easily between 50 to a 100.”
Jinki fast-forwarded through something he said, hit play when he recognized the shot where she was speaking again. “It’s funny how people associate so much of your sex life with who you are as a person. If things were aptly judged that way, then you’d have to consider all decisions that a person makes because who they fuck is as natural as what they eat. So, there should be rules around that too. And then right minus wrong situations like, ‘Oh, I heard she slept with so and so and that dude in one day so she must be a horrible person with no self-control. But then again, she’s vegan so I think she’s okay.’ Like that, you know what I mean?”
Jinki paused it. He typed down the last part of what she said and superimposed it in the shot to show up as she said it, just to stress that point. He went on with other parts of that video, cutting out some blank spaces and shots of them just flirting with each other or discussing dinner plans. He came to a part where he asked the question, “Are you monogamous?”
“I think monogamy is a rare thing. But I think it’s totally possible.”
--
Jinki hit record and filmed Key struggling to lock her door properly on their way out to her shoot. She placed her palm on the lens and laughed when she realized he was filming, saying, “you’re only supposed to capture moments when I’m profound and amazing.”
“All moments.”
“You’re a piece of shit, Jinki.”
The car ride there, she didn’t stop talking. She turned the radio up each time they were at a stop light and danced in her seat, making use of the limited space that she had. Jinki did the same because it was contagious, but he did his best not to shake the camera so much that it would make viewers puke. Then he remembered something she said about life being beautiful and out of focus. He slowly halted his dancing then and just watched her shine through heavily tilted windows.
If he really thought about it, it made perfect sense that he was maybe kind of falling in love with her. Key was the kind of the stuff that artists dreamt about. Not that he would consider himself an artist by any means, not yet. At times, when he rewatched his interviews of her, he knew that 90% of why he loved this piece so much was because of her. She made him excited about what he did.
On set, Jinki met with the director, who was a woman, much to Jinki’s surprise. He pushed down that 1% of stereotypes that occupied his brain and just took it for what it was.
“Hi,” she said to Jinki’s camera. “My name is Lydia Tease. I’m an ex-mattress actress and I now direct. Was that good?”
“That was perfect,” Jinki replied.
“My best work so far has been Titan-dick. Get it?”
“Uhm…”
“Like Titanic, but the porn version. I was nominated for the foreign category at the AVN.”
“So, like, it’s about sex on a ship?”
“No, it’s about a girl who loses her virginity to a shark.”
Jinki’s lips paused at the beginning of a, “what,” waiting for a punch line that never came.
Lydia went on to introduce their shoot for today, going, “so we’re shooting Key’s very first anal porn today. I’m very excited to work with her. I’ve seen her stuff before and she’s very talented.”
“How can you tell that?”
Lydia gestured about her breasts, “for women, a lot of the acting is in the nipples. And hers get hard really fast, it’s impressive.”
--
Key pulled Jinki back in when he was about to duck out of the dressing room as he discovered her naked. “Come on, you can see my routine. Just do the mosaic thing.”
The first thing she did was line up sex toys that were stored in boxes. She rested each one, head side up, on the dressing room makeup table, next to brushes and blush. “These were all given to me by fans, off of my wish list. So, thank you.”
“Has anyone ever recognized you and come up to you in public before?”
“Oh yeah, a few times. Some even had their wives with them.” Key laughed.
“What do they say?”
“Things like, ‘I came five times when I saw you in that forest orgy one.’”
Jinki grinned. “And you respond…?”
“I say thanks. Then I get on my knees and blow them,” Key watched Jinki’s face go from disbelief to understanding.
“You’re kidding.”
Key rolled her eyes. She went on, “Funny story; I checked my Twitter today and a guy I knew from high school who ignored me for like years followed me.”
“He was a popular guy?”
“Yeah, one of those. I’d hate fuck him, but then I saw his pictures now and he looks like he has pimples on his ass, you know what I mean?”
Jinki laughed. He didn’t get it, but that’s probably why he found it funny. The things that came out of her mouth sometimes just caught him off guard.
She picked up a curved, glass dildo from the lineup of toys and showed it off to Jinki. “This is my favorite. I’ve tried a couple of buttplugs to prep for today, but these seem to work a lot better?” She ran the tip of her index finger over the inner curve of the toy. “This helps a lot. Because if you put it in like this, go a little slow, it feels really good.”
Jinki took a mental note of that. He didn’t think he’d be forgetting about that anyway. She went on to explain the “essentials” that she collected for her shoot. Just as she was explaining a type of yoga position that Jinki didn’t understand the technicalities of but was fine to just watch her attempt, a knock came on the door. She answered and was handed a box of feminine douche by one of the lackeys on set. “Just in time.”
He was mesmerized. Apart from the obvious, like her looking extra fuckable that day, she talked about what she did with so much passion. She came to work early, greeted everyone with enthusiasm, introduced Jinki to whom she recognized amongst the roster and just looked generally pleased to be in the company of people who took this medium seriously. It was odd, but Jinki understood as much. Jinki didn’t think he had a huge problem with porn to begin with, but this was a new facet to it that was clearly undiscovered by many.
“You can’t actually take yourself so seriously. Some people do. I think I do sometimes too.” Key explained as she spread lotion around the lips of her vagina. “But at the end of the day, you kind of have to see it from the outside and realize that it’s just sex and it’s just porn. I can’t speak for everybody, but for someone like me who went into this on my own volition, I know that I could have said no. I know that there were other ways to be where I am now, but none were fast enough or, honestly, as fun.” She laughed.
--
Key had been called onto set about 20 minutes ago and Jinki remained inside the dressing room and debated whether he should watch her or not. Surprisingly, he was fine with her doing this. There was some hesitation on his side, sure, but when he really thought about it, what he felt was so petty against her passion for her job. So it probably wasn’t that what was stopping him from watching her. He didn’t know what it was, really.
He browsed through the footage he had from earlier, lowering the volume and he realized that everything he had filmed had been Gwiboon. He hadn’t met Key once. He left his camera inside the room and stepped out. Instantly, he heard her. He turned back around, rolled his eyes, then turned around again and proceeded down the hall. To his right was the set, just beyond the divider.
From behind the backs of staff, the director, the producer, the sound guy, was a well-lit bedroom set. And on the bed was Key, cheek pushed into the sheets, her ass up. Behind her was the guy Jinki spoke with earlier. He had footage of him talking about how all that mattered in his life were good wine and good ass.
The sheet was damp where Key’s face lay, and Jinki wondered what that was. He stepped back and leaned against the divider, closing his eyes. He didn’t know how long he stood there. The next thing he knew, Key was walking past him and Jinki followed her, leaving behind the sound of the staff clapping and Lydia saying, “Good job, everybody. Where’s Key?”
Jinki shut the door behind him as he entered the dressing room after Key. She dropped her robe and reached for a baby wipe, cleaning the cum off of her stomach, expression unreadable. Jinki stood by the door, shifting his weight around both feet. He would pace, but he couldn’t move.
“I hated that,” was Key’s single explanation as she rubbed her skin until it was red. “He smelled like corn chips and he didn’t listen to me - is there cum in my hair?”
“I don’t… no.”
“Fuck.” She threw the used baby wipe on the ground and raked her fingers into her hair. “Could you drive me home?”
Jinki moved then as though he were shackled to his spot before. He gathered his things, the keys and walked ahead of her as soon as she was dressed. She winced getting into the car. Jinki couldn’t look at her. They were both quiet until they were inside her apartment and the first thing she did was slip her clothes off and fill her tub with cold water.
Jinki watched her from the living room, feeling useless. “Do you need any help?”
“I got it.” She gathered ice trays in her arms and took them with her to the bathroom where she dumped the ice in the water until it covered the first layer.
“Let me help you.”
“I said I got it, Jinki.” She veered away from his touch even before he could reach out to her. She lowered herself in the bath tub, sinking slowly. It was when she started crying that Jinki left the bathroom and sat on the couch in the living room.
Jinki didn’t like the sound of crying, let alone hearing Key bawl her eyes out from where he was sitting felt like a noose around his neck. He couldn’t help her, couldn’t touch her, he knew that she was in pain, but how could he help lick wounds neither of them could see?
It was unfair of him to treat her as two separate people. He objectified Key as much as he cared for Gwiboon and she suffered for the both of them. He was a fucking idiot. How the fuck did he manage to convince himself that he was knew how to handle this? He scratched his cheek, only then realizing that it was wet with one tear. That frustrated him even more. You know when you can’t process something because it’s all over the place and you’re all over the place so you just kind of sit in one place and fixate on something random without seeing it then your body wants you to cry but your mind forgets what crying is for so you just look like those old paintings with that one perfect tear on their cheek? Yeah, Jinki realized that though it would make a beautiful shot, he hated it.
During one of their earlier sit down interviews, Key told him that she was 17 when she started. 17 and half. She was young, impressionable, ready to roll with the punches. But suddenly, the events of that day were different from how he initially thought. He imagined her walking into the audition with her wide smile, and coming out of it with only half the clothes she wore when she came in, the innocence that she held for 17 years, devoured in an hour.
He packed his camera and left soon after.
--
Jonghyun was in charge of Jinki’s phone for the next week. Each time they went out to drink their sorrows under the table, he made sure that he had zero opportunities to call Key or answer her calls. Jonghyun concurred on the agreement that Jinki punch his balls each time he mentioned Minho’s name.
On one of those particular nights, Jinki asked his best friend, “Tell me honestly. Did you really like Minho? You didn’t just want to do sex with him?”
“Do sex.” Jonghyun rolled his eyes. “I don’t know. I would have liked to find out. He made me -”
“Happy?”
Jonghyun shook his head. “Really sad, actually.”
Confused, Jinki asked, “Why would you ever like someone who made you sad?”
“It’s not that he made me sad per se.” Jonghyun stared at his shot glass. “It’s like I was already sad to begin with. And I only realized that after I met him.”
Jinki paused midway through his shot, brows furrowed. “You know you can always talk to me, right?”
Jonghyun was quiet. He offered his friend a crooked smile, tracing the mouth of his glass with his finger. “Why do people say that it’s unhealthy to rely so much of your happiness on someone else?”
“Coz when they leave, then what becomes of you?”
It was Jonghyun’s turn to look confused. “You mean, ‘if’ they leave. How sad would it be to fall in love with someone and expect them to hurt you?”
“It’s a lot more realistic than expecting they never will,” Jinki replied. “I mean, we’re all human. At some point, everyone is going to let you down. It’s as real as death.”
“So you have a one strike policy thing? That’s why you left her apartment?”
“She didn’t fuck up, I did.”
Jonghyun held up Jinki’s phone when it began vibrating in his pocket. On the screen was Key’s number, calling him. “Then why won’t you speak to her? She clearly wants to see you.”
“I can’t do anything for her.”
“Literally just picking up her call is you doing something for her.”
Jinki pushed his hand away. “You don’t get it.”
“Psh,” Jonghyun pocketed Jinki’s phone again. “That’s such an easy out. And basically how to be the asshole in the conversation and not have to admit it.”
“I am an asshole. I admit that.” Jinki shrugged. “And the reason I’m keeping away is because I don’t even know where to begin with her and…”
“What the fuck are you doing explaining this to me?” Jonghyun slid his phone back to him.
--
“I don’t know where to begin with you.” Jinki couldn’t even look at her. She wore a dress and her eyes looked like they were rubbed red. She looked tired and nervous, she messed up trying to order earlier and she almost burned her hair when she lit her cigarette, but fuck, she was gorgeous.
“I don’t think I understand.” She slowly spun the tea cup on its saucer, elbows leaning against the edge of the table, watching his hands closely. “I’ve never lied to you once.”
“I know. I mean,” Jinki tried, “I don’t think I can just stand and watch while you venture into something and get hurt by it.”
“But I’m fine?” Key said. “It was painful, yes. And I know I was cranky, but I knew that it was one of those things where I just had to bite the bullet.”
“See, that. I don’t think I can wrap my head around that.”
“Jinki, it’s my body.”
“It is, I totally agree,” Jinki said instantly. “And I don’t ever want to make you feel like you should adjust your lifestyle to what I approve of. I don’t think you should do that for anyone. There are just things about you that I collected in short clips. And I thought, ‘I get it. I get you.’ I don’t though. Surprise, surprise. Who you are is beyond my understanding. I want to just be there with you, but I’m not all there because I’m uncomfortable.”
“Why were you uncomfortable?”
He was uncomfortable because he believed one thing and she did another. “I think it was wrong, what happened that day. I don’t know why you felt as though you had to do it. No money was worth that.”
“It wasn’t about the money,” Key replied.
“Then why?”
“Okay, well, it was partly the money,” she smiled. That smile quickly faded when she saw that Jinki didn’t mirror it this time. “The other part was because it’s my job. I’m a pornstar.”
“Yeah, I don’t get that.” Jinki leaned back. He didn’t want to have this conversation because he was afraid of feeling this way, like he was getting further and further away from her.
“Pain isn’t exactly outside of my job description.”
“It wasn’t just that, Key.” Jinki shook his head. “You were distraught. You couldn’t look me in the eyes, you didn’t want to be touched - like you want me there, but you want me to go.” Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
“What are you saying?”
Jinki watched her hook a thumb beneath the strap of her dress that slid down to her arm, quickly tugging it back in place. It became clear to him then that they were both fixated on each other, but ultimately for very different reasons. “I’m a pretty good guy, I think.”
Key smiled. “You are.”
“And I care about you,” Jinki reached for her hands across the table, holding them tighter when he felt her trying to pull away. “But I can’t save you.”
She managed to tug her hands from his, placing them on her lap, under the table. “I didn’t think so. You’re too nice.”
That time, Jinki did smile. It wasn’t because he was happy; he was overwhelmed with the immense amount of guilt that pooled in the pit of his stomach. If he were a betting man, he would say that she’d be finding reasons like that about people in her life for quite a while, anything to convince herself that no, not him, not her, try again. He ached for the pain that was going to befall her, envied the person in her future who would teach her to love herself, wished he could wear that person’s skin and drink in the words they’d say to make her finally see herself the way the world saw her - the way he saw her.
Key grabbed her bag and rummaged through it, managing to fish out Jinki’s rolled up hat. She stood up, slung her bag over her shoulder. She walked over to his side of the table and returned his hat back to him. “I was serious about the movie. I wanna see it, okay?”
Jinki looked up at her, but he couldn’t hold her gaze. “You will.”
“Thank you.” She squeezed his shoulder, her touch leaving him as she walked out. He touched his shoulder where his skin was still warm under her palm.
--
“I loved it.” Jinki got a call from Key as his classmates and professor viewed the film inside. Jinki stood outside in the hallway, fiddling the lock of a random locker. “And I’m calling to collect my money, you exploiter.”
Jinki protested with very little enthusiasm, “I distinctly remember paying for a lot of your dinners during those shoots. So. I think we’re square.”
She heard her laugh through the other line, and some people in the background. “Where are you?”
“It is loud?” It sounded like she covered the speaker with her palm. Jinki heard muffled sounds of a door locking. “Is this better?”
“Yeah.” They were quiet after that though.
Just until Key spoke again, “You never told me what you thought about my poem.”
“What poem?”
“The one from your hat. What else?”
Jinki’s eyes widened. “Wait, what?”
“You didn’t see it?”
“No!” Jinki took his hat off and searched the inside. “Where -?”
“Little fold, right side.”
Jinki clipped the phone between his shoulder and his ear, looking through his hat until he found the little piece of paper that was folded. It was one of the few times where he was glad he didn’t wash his hat. The rest of the time, he couldn’t care less.
“I found it.” He got no reply as he unfolded the piece of paper and read it.
He remained expressionless throughout, jaw tightening two stanzas in and by the time he was done, he folded it back up and tucked it in his hat, donning it once again. Apart from his head, his hat protected something equally as valuable in his life now. He heard her breath from the line, far away voices and music. He pictured her in a bathroom somewhere or a closet, clinging to her phone, not speaking or hearing but just trying to place herself where he was, feeling.
The next thing he knew, his professor was peeking out from the door of the classroom, calling his attention. “We’ve just finished. You ready for the question and answer?”
“One second.” Jinki pointed at his phone. His professor went back inside. “Key.”
“I heard. Uhm, okay. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Yeah.” Jinki added, “Key?”
“Jinki?”
He pulled his hat down his face a bit. “Happy Birthday.”
She was quiet for a few seconds. “Thank you. Good luck with your Q&A.”
“Thanks.” He hung up, tucked his phone in his pocket, and took a deep breath. He entered the classroom and was greeted with a mixture of expressions, some confused, some ecstatic, and some just downright offended. Jinki grinned as he walked to the head of the class.
notes: Loosely inspired by this beautiful film. Certain events were taken from actual interviews of porn actresses. I’d like to properly thank someone for holding my hand through this fic, but I’ll save that for when the author’s names are revealed. You know who you are anyway. This is for you!
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