(no subject)

May 17, 2013 21:39

Dead. And still dead. And still dead. And still dead.

I don't think my emotions are about what I've lost. Maybe that's why I've been confused or had difficulty recognizing my reaction. I know I haven't really lost a lot, directly. But I am baffled. Shocked. Devastated, maybe, at the realization of what Chris has lost. Chris is still real to us. Still a concept. Still a person, a soul, a source of love and a focus for our love and so many other feelings. But for Chris...there is nothing. I am so sad for Chris. I am sad for what he lost. And I am mad. Angry that he threw it all away. And angry just in general that there's nothing that can be done.

Forever. There's no moving forward. He is frozen in that one point in his life. No resolution. He had so much to fucking grow for. I wanted that growth for him. All of our lives are about growth and seeing the growth and change of others. Death is a strange concept because...inside I sense the life of this person. I sense their realness...but outside of myself, in reality...nothing. Dead. Frozen in time. Forever. Chris will remain the same forever. When I am 80 and making peace with my own departure, Chris will still be 23. And one day. Twenty three years and one day.
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