The truth?
When I started to really feel at home at UCI and feel like part of a community, you were a major contributor. And I forgot that. I betrayed that gesture.
Memories...
-when you first told me your whole story--home, kicked out, Amanda, USC, UCI. I was blown away. And Genice came in to tell you you should be on Speaker's Bureau--she'd been listening from her office. We were in the cyber center. We hung out in there a lot.
-the friday night we stayed after-hours in the center to watch that terrible lesbian horror flick
-When you and Amanda took me to Boy Bar and you taught me how to play pool and I did so well you teased that I was lying about having never played before. That outing made me feel really good. That you wanted to be friends with me. That I had friends.
-Family Thanksgiving dinner at 23D. I wish I could go back to that forever.
-When I unknowingly kept you and others waiting and waiting at 23D on my birthday because I wanted to go to Disneyland but didn't know that Anabelle had planned a small surprise party. But you waited till we got back.
-Blackstar Canyon halloween...You were so scared! You were carrying a hockey stick for protection haha. And we (you, me, amanda) were dragging behind the others. (And I had to peeeee so bad!) And instead of walking all the way to the end, we turned around and walked back to the car, but before we got to the car this old guy with a long white beard in a truck slows and rolls down his window (freaky! you were super scared!) and warned us that we could get in trouble for being there and that the police would site you for having a weapon. Then we drove down to the end where the others were and James zombie attacked cars. Than we went to Andrew Choi's campus village apt (1 of 2 times...don't remember if this was the first or second time). In the cv parking lot, we saw someone throw a chair through a window and called campus police. I think you gave the police a witness report. Or someone else did...but I think it was you.
-You giving the nodding go ahead for me to truth-or-dare make-out with Amanda.
-LGBT mentor training, when I came in with my head newly shaved and you expressed wanting to do the same...but obviously it was a bigger deal for you and you didn't talk about it to me more than just wanting to do it but being afraid.
-driving you home to riverside for xmas vacation. listening to the Juno soundtrack during the drive and you "reclaiming" songs from your relationship with Amanda. I was skeptical...one doesn't just get over things so simply.
-you crashing for a few...days? weeks? at 23D after the big Amanda fall-out.
-Me being worried for you and for IQ when you were elected chair. Trying to connect with you, to help you prepare. Feeling like you were in denial about being on top of things. In denial about how you were struggling? I didn't know how to reach you.
-Passdown. I don't remember what you said to me during the part where we say good things to each person, but I remember that it made me feel really good. I think you looked up to me...
-Picking you up at 4am from that sketchy escort phone-answering job when I was on my way to Irvine from SCV in the middle of the night.
-Driving you to (or was it just picking you up? or both?) your endo appt when you got your T prescription.
-Sleepover at Steggie's in Lake Forest when talked about how worried you were about your brothers and the custody issues. We listened to music, played with bears, fell asleep three-in-bed watching Trojan (I think) (I didn't fall asleep, I switched rooms when the movie was over). And in the morning (or maybe the night before, I don't know why you would have waited till morning...not sure) Steggie helped you with your first shot. She had you pick a song to go with it...you didn't necessarily seem into that tradition but you picked one. Don't remember what. You were nervous and excited.
-Full moon drum circle at that far south beach in Laguna or maybe south of Laguna. Big crashing waves, dancing in the sand and moonlight to the drumming. Sitting on the wall near the cafe building, talking, laughing, celebrating life.
-After new year's #2 when I realized Anabelle was dating Lauren and was unexpectedly overwhelmed with relationship-processing I didn't know I had left to do...sleeping/not able to sleep sharing the lower bunk at queerlandia with you. Same weekend, before or after, lying in Riley's top bunk talking about Cassie flirting with me and you apologizing...and I said you had nothing to apologize for but I understood what you meant. This memory is interesting...hard to explain...how we all see each other differently...attempt to hide and make seen different parts of our selves...how we decide who is a worthy person...worthy of our love, approval, friendship, support...more on this later...
-you and Cassie wrestling
-Western Regionals at Cal. (This memory came back to me suddenly 3/25/13 when I was leaving UCAC choir rehearsal, walking across the Cal campus. I was thinking of you as I do often now, looking up at the bright moon. It had a rainbow halo, and I thought of it as you. I keep thinking I've listed every distinct memory I have of you, but suddenly this one came back to me.) A few months on, T, you were starting to look and sound different. We all hung out eating lunch on the grass across from the student center. Don't know what we talked about specifically...different workshops we'd been to...talking about Eric, trying not to really talk about Eric. I was just happy to be with my family. I think you were part of the small group walking to Indian food and then to Cameron's car where he gave me a chunk of QUACs. Maybe you weren't with us though.
-After I left, I remember phone conversations. I remember you called for IQ help once, maybe twice. I still felt a disconnect. That you needed help but you were avoiding it. I couldn't reach you. The last time I talked to you on the phone, I awkwardly blurted out that I was seeing Cassie. I wanted you to know because I knew it would make you uncomfortable...so I wanted it out there so I could explain. Explain my thoughts and feelings about Cassie and explain that it didn't change our friendship. But you shut down as soon as I told you. We didn't connect at all after that.
-oh except when you visited my oakland house with Heather to go to pride the first year i was up here. Jade asked for you. But you were basically in and out. You kept your distance from me. After that weekend I decided it wasn't fulfilling to just let people stay at my house just to stay, especially for pride.
And after that, my memories of you are mostly from a distance. Not really of you, just about you. Of what I was told about you over the phone. Mostly by Cassie. Utility money collected but never paid to utilities. Some she said she said about how you were abusive in relationships. Physically? I never got those private details but the fact of it was repeated enough to malign you in my mind. The bunny left for roommates to care for. Pushed out of IQ...Eric, Amanda...
***
It's not fair that I get to learn a lesson and go on to live my life better. It's not fair that my mistake in not reaching out to you, in letting our friendship go because of the hurtful mistakes I'd heard you'd made. It's not fair that I could have known better then, and now I do. And I get to absorb that and move forward. But you don't. There's not making up for this. You will never see another day in which I could be your friend. In which you could make better choices. One last bad decision, and now nothing can get better for you ever. I'm sorry.
Memories...
-when you first told me your whole story--home, kicked out, Amanda, USC, UCI. I was blown away. And Genice came in to tell you you should be on Speaker's Bureau--she'd been listening from her office. We were in the cyber center. We hung out in there a lot.
-the friday night we stayed after-hours in the center to watch that terrible lesbian horror flick
-When you and Amanda took me to Boy Bar and you taught me how to play pool and I did so well you teased that I was lying about having never played before. That outing made me feel really good. That you wanted to be friends with me. That I had friends.
-Family Thanksgiving dinner at 23D. I wish I could go back to that forever.
-When I unknowingly kept you and others waiting and waiting at 23D on my birthday because I wanted to go to Disneyland but didn't know that Anabelle had planned a small surprise party. But you waited till we got back.
-Blackstar Canyon halloween...You were so scared! You were carrying a hockey stick for protection haha. And we (you, me, amanda) were dragging behind the others. (And I had to peeeee so bad!) And instead of walking all the way to the end, we turned around and walked back to the car, but before we got to the car this old guy with a long white beard in a truck slows and rolls down his window (freaky! you were super scared!) and warned us that we could get in trouble for being there and that the police would site you for having a weapon. Then we drove down to the end where the others were and James zombie attacked cars. Than we went to Andrew Choi's campus village apt (1 of 2 times...don't remember if this was the first or second time). In the cv parking lot, we saw someone throw a chair through a window and called campus police. I think you gave the police a witness report. Or someone else did...but I think it was you.
-You giving the nodding go ahead for me to truth-or-dare make-out with Amanda.
-LGBT mentor training, when I came in with my head newly shaved and you expressed wanting to do the same...but obviously it was a bigger deal for you and you didn't talk about it to me more than just wanting to do it but being afraid.
-driving you home to riverside for xmas vacation. listening to the Juno soundtrack during the drive and you "reclaiming" songs from your relationship with Amanda. I was skeptical...one doesn't just get over things so simply.
-you crashing for a few...days? weeks? at 23D after the big Amanda fall-out.
-Me being worried for you and for IQ when you were elected chair. Trying to connect with you, to help you prepare. Feeling like you were in denial about being on top of things. In denial about how you were struggling? I didn't know how to reach you.
-Passdown. I don't remember what you said to me during the part where we say good things to each person, but I remember that it made me feel really good. I think you looked up to me...
-Picking you up at 4am from that sketchy escort phone-answering job when I was on my way to Irvine from SCV in the middle of the night.
-Driving you to (or was it just picking you up? or both?) your endo appt when you got your T prescription.
-Sleepover at Steggie's in Lake Forest when talked about how worried you were about your brothers and the custody issues. We listened to music, played with bears, fell asleep three-in-bed watching Trojan (I think) (I didn't fall asleep, I switched rooms when the movie was over). And in the morning (or maybe the night before, I don't know why you would have waited till morning...not sure) Steggie helped you with your first shot. She had you pick a song to go with it...you didn't necessarily seem into that tradition but you picked one. Don't remember what. You were nervous and excited.
-Full moon drum circle at that far south beach in Laguna or maybe south of Laguna. Big crashing waves, dancing in the sand and moonlight to the drumming. Sitting on the wall near the cafe building, talking, laughing, celebrating life.
-After new year's #2 when I realized Anabelle was dating Lauren and was unexpectedly overwhelmed with relationship-processing I didn't know I had left to do...sleeping/not able to sleep sharing the lower bunk at queerlandia with you. Same weekend, before or after, lying in Riley's top bunk talking about Cassie flirting with me and you apologizing...and I said you had nothing to apologize for but I understood what you meant. This memory is interesting...hard to explain...how we all see each other differently...attempt to hide and make seen different parts of our selves...how we decide who is a worthy person...worthy of our love, approval, friendship, support...more on this later...
-you and Cassie wrestling
-Western Regionals at Cal. (This memory came back to me suddenly 3/25/13 when I was leaving UCAC choir rehearsal, walking across the Cal campus. I was thinking of you as I do often now, looking up at the bright moon. It had a rainbow halo, and I thought of it as you. I keep thinking I've listed every distinct memory I have of you, but suddenly this one came back to me.) A few months on, T, you were starting to look and sound different. We all hung out eating lunch on the grass across from the student center. Don't know what we talked about specifically...different workshops we'd been to...talking about Eric, trying not to really talk about Eric. I was just happy to be with my family. I think you were part of the small group walking to Indian food and then to Cameron's car where he gave me a chunk of QUACs. Maybe you weren't with us though.
-After I left, I remember phone conversations. I remember you called for IQ help once, maybe twice. I still felt a disconnect. That you needed help but you were avoiding it. I couldn't reach you. The last time I talked to you on the phone, I awkwardly blurted out that I was seeing Cassie. I wanted you to know because I knew it would make you uncomfortable...so I wanted it out there so I could explain. Explain my thoughts and feelings about Cassie and explain that it didn't change our friendship. But you shut down as soon as I told you. We didn't connect at all after that.
-oh except when you visited my oakland house with Heather to go to pride the first year i was up here. Jade asked for you. But you were basically in and out. You kept your distance from me. After that weekend I decided it wasn't fulfilling to just let people stay at my house just to stay, especially for pride.
And after that, my memories of you are mostly from a distance. Not really of you, just about you. Of what I was told about you over the phone. Mostly by Cassie. Utility money collected but never paid to utilities. Some she said she said about how you were abusive in relationships. Physically? I never got those private details but the fact of it was repeated enough to malign you in my mind. The bunny left for roommates to care for. Pushed out of IQ...Eric, Amanda...
***
It's not fair that I get to learn a lesson and go on to live my life better. It's not fair that my mistake in not reaching out to you, in letting our friendship go because of the hurtful mistakes I'd heard you'd made. It's not fair that I could have known better then, and now I do. And I get to absorb that and move forward. But you don't. There's not making up for this. You will never see another day in which I could be your friend. In which you could make better choices. One last bad decision, and now nothing can get better for you ever. I'm sorry.