I am struck with melancholy tonight. Going to bed usually makes it go away because I can sleep forever and things always look brighter in sunshine. This usually happens when I am home alone with no plans on a weekend night. It makes me feel lame and lonely and stupid and boring and unloved, things I know are mostly not true, but darnit if you just feel that way.
Today made me wrangle with a lot of life questions. I think I may be in a rut. But is it a rut if you are happy there? I'm a liberal who doesn't like change. I'm not fully happy with my job, but seem to be unable to move up or over or sideways. I'm barely making a living, so saving for grad school or a move , or hell, even drinks with people seems daunting. I feel like I have no options for change, even though I know that's not true. I don't seem to be willing to change my current situation, yet I know it's not ideal. It's so easy to live in the day. To keep doing what you've always been doing. Especially if it makes you happy. I like my life here. I like my apt, my car, my things, my knowledge of the city. I don't want to give all that up, even if the later reward would be better, bc it's impossible to see that later scenario.
I feel like I want to do big things, but somehow I've talked myself into believing that I'm not capable of doing them, or I would have done them by now. I know that's defeatist and I hope it isn't true, but that's how I feel. I'm afraid to do anything, to try new things. I've somehow lost the confidence and optimism of I can do anything that I had in and after college. I got stuck in life. In a routine. Now it seems impossible to do anything other than what I'm doing. I don't know how to fix it. All day people have been giving suggestions, but I don't seem to be willing or able to do them? This doesn't sound like me. This doesn't sound like the me I want to be. Talking about this out loud makes me want to cry, which might just be bc I"m tired and generally overly emotional. I don't want to cry about it. I want answers. I want a plan. I want advice. I want a safety net, a support group. I want to feel like I"m not going about into the great unknown alone. But I see no way of changing that. What will I do with all my stuff? I know it's just stuff, and life isn't about stuff they say, but it IS. Couches and dishes and brooms and shoes are necessary. I spent 10 years building a life, a space, a home, and I'd have to start all over if I left? That seems terribly daunting. Especially when I can barely pay the bills as it is. HOw did this happen? What did I do wrong? I'm not wasteful, I've cut everything, why can't I enjoy a fairly straightforward life that I have? I don't think I"m being realistic in my expectations for what I want. I'm not desiring a Porsche or $90 meals or expensive clothes.
I think I'll go to bed now. Everything seems better by daylight.
“Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want.”
- Ingrid, White Oleander. (via
grl-afraid)