The Past Couple of Months
I don't thoroughly enjoy the way that things are going right now. I haven't really been on a steady roll for several months, it's actually been on the decline if you would. It's just that I can't really seem to win, and it's really bothering me. Not a damned thing is going straight, even though I'm trying, if anyone in their right mind will believe that.
I thought that friendship was supposed to know no bounds, caress you and let you float gently back onto your feet after a crushing defeat. I really thought that friends were supposed to look out for each other, not turn on each other. I didn't think they were supposed to lie, cheat, steal, destroy, and then smile to your face while they did it. I've lost a lot of friends since the beginning, lost, gained, and ultimately, I've had to destroy some of them myself.
The lost my first friend when I was ten years old. My best friend, who had once been a quiet boy, metamorphed into a loud, rambunctious racist who would no longer participate in activities with me because of the color of my skin.
The latest? It's hard to tell; I can't tell if they're coming or going. It's one constant battle waging war within itself, a battle spanning across months. It's not going well at all.
Somebody once told me that friends would pick you up when you needed them to, and that if you trust in your friends, you'll never be alone and will always have somebody to turn to. How does that work when someone stops believing, or rather, never believed in the first place? How does it work when you can't turn to that person to help you anymore, and you could never rely on them to be there in the first place? Were they really ever your friend?
I consider a friend somebody that you met during one situation, but took it to the next level by hanging out and getting to know each other. I have a lot of friends.
I consider an acquantance somebody you've met and talked to, but have never seen that person outside of that situation, i.e. work, school, etc..
Blurry lines exist now, lines that were so sharply defined before that they were razor sharp. Friends that used to be so close aren't, leaving a ravaging black hole of empty despair within it's closed confines.
I think I've lost too many friends already, dealt with too many people thinking that their way of life is the hardest there is. I've been dropped too many times because, "I just don't understand", or I'm "being stupid". Friends work things out right?
To the best of my knowledge, friends listen to each other, help each other out, and chill. Why isn't that happening? Why am I being constantly apprehended about being somewhere, being with someone, "accepting the new factors of life", when somebody else can't?
Things change, people change, friendship changes, but the one thing I've never seen change is the way people point fingers and constantly blame somebody else for a failing friendship. If neither tries, neither is going to be happy. Nobody likes a friend that doesn't call, doesn't say hello when they're around, doesn't even leave a message for you through somebody.
It just seems that everyone has given up on trying, ya know? That people are just looking to avoid friendships to avoid trying to rely on people. I know that I always come through, keep my word unless something drastic comes up, so why can't other people be the same? Why can't other people bolster their friendships by actually trying to keep the connection flowing? Has everyone just been scarred so badly that they're too afraid to function?
Ha. Don't ever come crying to me about trying to be friends if you're not trying either.
I'll destroy you too.
I'm always trying, always on the verge of going insane trying to keep track of all the people that want to retain friendship. I'm constantly making new friends, constantly talking to strangers, brightening days or lending a shoulder for pain to seep into. On top of that, I'm always reconnecting to people I lost earlier in life.
It's hard to tell who your friends really are sometimes, we all know that, right? Keeping yourself oblivious to the snipes and jeers of people behind your back always helps, but knowing about them is all the more empowering.
A wise falcon knows of danger but keeps his claws hidden.
I am not a hollow shell, and I am not a bunch of excuses. If you ask me what's up and I explain that I'm busy, no, I'm not trying to avoid you, I'm doing whatever it takes to get it done and do what I have to do above and beyond that. A forty hour week, running errands, catching up on sleep, and going back and forth between home and a county over fifty miles away to courier various things to a brother in need do consume your time, and they do it well.
It's exactly those jeers that have made me the way I am. I am trying to stay connected with everyone, but if you attack me or mine, I'll clamp lion's jaws down on your hand. When I'm done mauling your pathetic attempt at friendship, I'm not going to accepting apologies very lightly. I've only allowed one redemption, and she was worth salvation from my list of the damned.
Friendship shouldn't have to be this way, but anybody that threatens mine or rejects it, will pay.
I'm never backing down again.
I thought that friendship was supposed to know no bounds, caress you and let you float gently back onto your feet after a crushing defeat. I really thought that friends were supposed to look out for each other, not turn on each other. I didn't think they were supposed to lie, cheat, steal, destroy, and then smile to your face while they did it. I've lost a lot of friends since the beginning, lost, gained, and ultimately, I've had to destroy some of them myself.
The lost my first friend when I was ten years old. My best friend, who had once been a quiet boy, metamorphed into a loud, rambunctious racist who would no longer participate in activities with me because of the color of my skin.
The latest? It's hard to tell; I can't tell if they're coming or going. It's one constant battle waging war within itself, a battle spanning across months. It's not going well at all.
Somebody once told me that friends would pick you up when you needed them to, and that if you trust in your friends, you'll never be alone and will always have somebody to turn to. How does that work when someone stops believing, or rather, never believed in the first place? How does it work when you can't turn to that person to help you anymore, and you could never rely on them to be there in the first place? Were they really ever your friend?
I consider a friend somebody that you met during one situation, but took it to the next level by hanging out and getting to know each other. I have a lot of friends.
I consider an acquantance somebody you've met and talked to, but have never seen that person outside of that situation, i.e. work, school, etc..
Blurry lines exist now, lines that were so sharply defined before that they were razor sharp. Friends that used to be so close aren't, leaving a ravaging black hole of empty despair within it's closed confines.
I think I've lost too many friends already, dealt with too many people thinking that their way of life is the hardest there is. I've been dropped too many times because, "I just don't understand", or I'm "being stupid". Friends work things out right?
To the best of my knowledge, friends listen to each other, help each other out, and chill. Why isn't that happening? Why am I being constantly apprehended about being somewhere, being with someone, "accepting the new factors of life", when somebody else can't?
Things change, people change, friendship changes, but the one thing I've never seen change is the way people point fingers and constantly blame somebody else for a failing friendship. If neither tries, neither is going to be happy. Nobody likes a friend that doesn't call, doesn't say hello when they're around, doesn't even leave a message for you through somebody.
It just seems that everyone has given up on trying, ya know? That people are just looking to avoid friendships to avoid trying to rely on people. I know that I always come through, keep my word unless something drastic comes up, so why can't other people be the same? Why can't other people bolster their friendships by actually trying to keep the connection flowing? Has everyone just been scarred so badly that they're too afraid to function?
Ha. Don't ever come crying to me about trying to be friends if you're not trying either.
I'll destroy you too.
I'm always trying, always on the verge of going insane trying to keep track of all the people that want to retain friendship. I'm constantly making new friends, constantly talking to strangers, brightening days or lending a shoulder for pain to seep into. On top of that, I'm always reconnecting to people I lost earlier in life.
It's hard to tell who your friends really are sometimes, we all know that, right? Keeping yourself oblivious to the snipes and jeers of people behind your back always helps, but knowing about them is all the more empowering.
A wise falcon knows of danger but keeps his claws hidden.
I am not a hollow shell, and I am not a bunch of excuses. If you ask me what's up and I explain that I'm busy, no, I'm not trying to avoid you, I'm doing whatever it takes to get it done and do what I have to do above and beyond that. A forty hour week, running errands, catching up on sleep, and going back and forth between home and a county over fifty miles away to courier various things to a brother in need do consume your time, and they do it well.
It's exactly those jeers that have made me the way I am. I am trying to stay connected with everyone, but if you attack me or mine, I'll clamp lion's jaws down on your hand. When I'm done mauling your pathetic attempt at friendship, I'm not going to accepting apologies very lightly. I've only allowed one redemption, and she was worth salvation from my list of the damned.
Friendship shouldn't have to be this way, but anybody that threatens mine or rejects it, will pay.
I'm never backing down again.