(no subject)
Part 3. Yeah, I think I'm getting hooked on this. I've never wanted to type up something so badly, despite that entire problem with opening myself up to people.
Which is primarily what happened with part 1 of this whole recent LJ posting business. But nonetheless, I digress, and I'm putting that behind me.. as soon as I'm sure I didn't offend Quinn and Ashley, because I really didn't mean to. It just offends me when somebody tries to analyze my thought patterns and actions as if they're so close they can't be wrong.
At this point in life(and as of yesterday), I realize that I need to re-establish connections with people. I need to see those people from high school again. Even though most of them made me mature into a twenty-four year old before I was even sixteen.. it's still nice to look back into the past and laugh at all the stupid things we did, and still continue to do.
I can remember a time when I wasn't afraid to post in a journal. It was back when I was on Deadjournal, and hey, that was a ways back. But then again.. I didn't realize that humans had so much to hide then. We're often chastized because of our performances, because of how we react, how we act, often times our political standings and what we prefer to even eat at times. But back then?
Back then it was Quinn and I. I don't know about him, but I enjoyed those talks we'd have on MSN Messenger from like.. 8PM to 12AM. Four hours and I never tired of talking to the guy. But I don't know if he can be that deep anymore. I miss that kind of stuff. Now, the only people I talk to is a girl I can't truly tell everything and.. a girl that I have a hard time telling everything to for fear of what she'll think of me(until recently that is). But back then? He called me "The Observer", because instead of talking so much when he said something I'd just listen.
"You there? Oh, I bet you're just taking it< all in again."
"Right."
It was always back and forth, Courier New and MS Sans font. Black and red, respectively. Then it became green and red, Courier New and Arial Narrow. 12 point font, 10 point font. Then he started seeing Ashley, and it ended up being red, Arial Narrow, 10 point font. But not back and forth. Alone.
It was somewhere around then that I changed so drastically. Up until that point, I was always the victim of problems. I couldn't laugh at myself.
Now? I make fun of myself to cheer myself up. I make a joke and beat myself up. I take my anger out on myself because I can't talk to anybody like that anymore. Not now. Now without fear.
Unless it's Xia. I can tell her things that the world can't see. Her wonderfully empathic abilties allow her to understand even the most dire of situations that under normal circumstances she wouldn't be able to.
Inside, she's the same as me. Hoping that someday, something like that might come back, that the past would return with a bang. But we're both smart enough to know that wishing isn't the way to get what you want.
So I hope that they read this. Yeah, Quinn and Ashley. I hope you guys read this, understand it. But I don't want anybody analyzing what I'm trying to say, so I'll lay it out. Xia and I, we miss those old days. We miss the days where there wasn't so much damned infighting, where we could all be everything we were meant to be without being dragged down by anything at all. Yeah, I miss those days that I could be a stupid teenager.
But mentally, mentally I'm well into my twenties. I worry about things no eighteen year old should be thinking about. How am I going to pay for this and that? How much do I have toward this? How am I going to support her?! Could I support her?
I'm burdened. But no, not by her. I'm burdened with making myself as best as a possible can for her. So it's not really that much of a chore. I can make her smile by saying a couple of silly words so it's not that that's a burden.
It's the fact that I have to work so hard to get something at work. It's why I always work. I have to work because of this damned skin color.. I have to be the best I can just to get a little bit of recognition. That's the burden.
But it's cool. It makes me a better person to discover that I have other abilites than just to pull strings and make people do what I want(which I only use in the worst of situations.. I know I mention it a lot now, but it's not like I whip it out like some Jedi mind tricks all the time). I have the power to awe the people around me with my natural ability to be good at things.
Yeah, I know it sounds really lame, but hey, I can't help it. This is how I grew up, this is what I raised to be. This.. is the side of me that my mother's proud of. Not the side that is hated by my father. Not that side.
I have a natural affinity to be good at things.
By the way, I finally got MGS 3 a little while ago, Quinn. Good game, damn good.