Dear Body, Quit creating reasons for my doctors to stick me with needles!
Been a while since I posted on this thing. I should try to blog more often...Though I've been contemplating getting a new one. This one has sort of become my venting and self-analysis blog. This has become my tool of self-reflection.
I guess right now I just feel the need to blog...I didn't want to get too specific about things on facebook or twitter. Not many people follow this blog anyway...if any. *shrug*
Since my visit with Dr. Cort, I've been in a constant state of anxiety and stress. Sometimes I'm able to relax, but it doesn't take long for my anxiety to return to the high level. After visiting Dr. Sommer, I had a blood test. As I expected my cholesterol, triglycerides, and stuff were high (though my glucose is perfectly fine). Considering how overweight I am for someone my size, I knew they wouldn't be normal.
The high liver enzymes came as a complete surprise though. I didn't really understand anything until I went to Dr. Cort where he examined everything and rattled off a bunch of possibilities...Hemochromitosis, Wilson's Disease, a couple autoimmune diseases (including Lupus), and a couple types of hepatitis. Most of them I had heard of because of House and other medical shows I watch (Mystery Diagnosis, Mystery ER, etc), but I didn't know them very well. However, I knew they were something to be concerned about. His biggest suspicion was that I might have something called Non-Alcoholic Steatohepatitis, which I had never heard of. I brushed it off because well, it just seemed like a long shot considering I didn't have any symptoms aside from the high liver enzymes and that could easily be caused by one of my medications.
However, then I checked the National Institute of Health site (I shouldn't have done that) and discovered that NASH has relatively no symptoms...It's called a "silent disease". *sigh* That killed any possibility of rationalizing and compartmentalizing things in my head to stave off my stress and anxiety monsters. Why don't I ever just listen to my voice of reason?
So, I had an ultrasound of my liver (I made a joke to my mom about this, apologizing about the fact that my first ultrasound experience didn't involve her getting a grandchild XD) and more blood work. Dr. Cort had said that if the tests didn't give any answers, then I'd have to undergo a liver biopsy.
Well, he called yesterday (Monday)...and that's exactly what the tests said. Undiagnostic. My liver enzymes were closer to normal, which was good, but they were still a bit high. The ultrasound revealed that I had some fat in my liver and there was a small lesion on it as well. The lesion caught my attention, but he said it's most likely a small cyst, but he wants me to have a CT scan and a biopsy. *sigh* So, next monday, I'm getting my CT and next thursday I'm having a liver biopsy...I am not pleased.
Seriously, this freaks me out because there's so much uncertainty about what it could be. This state of waiting drives me insane. I'm the one member of our family who has had very little experience with medical issues. I had a scratched cornea when I was five and I had to go in for an IV of fluids in 8th grade 'cause of dehydration from stomach flu, but that's it. That's the extent of my ER experience. I did have x-rays of my chest when I was little because I had a cough that wouldn't go away, but it turned out to be a chest cold or sommat. I've never had to go through this before, so of course my brain is going to completely overreact and create a high level of anxiety...Hell, I'm bad with states of uncertainty in any context!
Figuring out what to do with the house on Mulanix, when I wasn't sure if I was going to get kicked out of Truman or not, and if I was going to graduate last spring. These were prolonged and very mixed...And I stressed out about it all by myself. I didn't confide in anyone...Except maybe this blog.
Yesterday I sorta broke down and cried after the phone call and talked to my mom.
I went in for simple answers about why my intestines sometimes like to make me their bitch and ended up getting poked by needles and going through this nightmare. Hell, my initial question still hasn't been answered. --;;;
I had planned to be spending my time cleaning and being productive, but lately that hasn't happened. For me, life has frozen. I can't move forward because stress and anxiety have paralyzed me. The only things I've managed to do are activities that help me keep my mind off of what's going on. Puzzles mostly. I've been working on my first jigsaw puzzle in over three years, which is fun, but this is not what I wanted to be doing...Unfortunately, it's really hard to fight my anxiety. I've reached a point that motivation and drive are easily killed.
What's worse is that I'm switching from Concerta to some new drug. I have no idea what it will be because I haven't gotten to talk to Dr. Segovia yet. I've been on Concerta for about 10 years maybe, so it's probably time for a change anyway, but I just don't know what to expect...and that terrifies me. It's not the thought of something bad happening (I know I'm in good hands if something does)...It's the fact that I have no idea what the outcome will be. Last time I tried to change medications I couldn't because a full dose of the new medication made me sick, so I stuck to Concerta. I can't go back on Ritalin because it doesn't work very well on me anymore and Adderall is totally out because it made me insanely moody. I'll have to deal with some drug I've never heard of and that sorta freaks me out.
Oddly enough...I'm not worried about bad things... I know for a fact that I'm in good hands if anything bad happens or if this issue with my liver turns out to be way more serious than previously thought.
It's just the uncertainty and the waiting that drives my anxiety over the edge. I'm scared by what's been going on because I have very little experience with the medical world and I don't know what to expect. I'm not good at dealing with unknown factors. I'm the type of person who tends to get very anxious over new experiences (even if I'm excited about some of 'em). It's not my brain chattering about worst-case scenario or anything...It's the fact that I can't predict what will happen. I don't have all the facts, so I don't know what to expect and that terrifies me. Despite my tendency towards whimsy, I have an intensely analytical mind and it goes haywire when there are too many unknown variables. Sometimes all it takes is one, but most of the time I'm able to handle a single unknown variable by using what I know about other variables.
Yeah, it doesn't make much sense, but I'm not sure how else to describe it. I can solve for X most of the time and sometimes I can even solve for X and Y. Maybe even Z if the problem is really easy, but ask for complicated problems involving two or more unknown variables and I freeze like a deer in frakkin' headlights.
It doesn't help that I have a myriad of other issues dancing around in my psyche. Frak, I know I need to be in an intensive program for weight loss and diet control and the best choice would be some sort of camp, but my social anxieties would negate the therapies offered because I'd be too stressed out to properly absorb anything we were being taught.
*sigh* I dunno...Right now I'm just standing still and waiting to get this resolved...I'm functioning more than I used to, but barely. I haven't completely shut down, which is a good thing, but my mind is still pretty damn overwhelmed by everything that's been going on.
If you think it's no big deal and I'm being overly dramatic, then all I can say is fuck you. Go get some unknown malady and spend a few weeks with doctors running several tests to try to figure out what's going on and so far they've found next to nothing. Spend days waiting for test results only to find out that you have to have more tests that will take even longer. Add in a lovely mix of mental issues (ADHD, anxiety, social, possibly even some minor depression, and a few more little darlings that I don't have names for yet). I'd be happy to watch you have a breakdown. Right now it's taking the majority of my willpower to not have one. I've never been normal. I've rarely been in a mental state that I would call stable, partially because of the ADHD. I may appear happy and calm, but all it takes is the right trigger to send me into a downward spiral for weeks.
I don't take medication for anxiety or depression because I don't want to. I only want to use meds to handle my ADHD and use behavioral therapy for everything else. I'm on enough other medications as it is (allergies, asthma, wacky hormones). It's also likely that I'll have to go on cholesterol medicine until I get my weight and diet under control. It's just too damn high. Plus it doesn't help that high cholesterol runs in the family. --;;
*sigh* I need to stop thinking about this stuff and go to bed...it feels good to get this out, but at the same time...I don't really feel better.
I just need to sleep...
The irony of the title of the song I'm listening to is not lost on me.
I guess right now I just feel the need to blog...I didn't want to get too specific about things on facebook or twitter. Not many people follow this blog anyway...if any. *shrug*
Since my visit with Dr. Cort, I've been in a constant state of anxiety and stress. Sometimes I'm able to relax, but it doesn't take long for my anxiety to return to the high level. After visiting Dr. Sommer, I had a blood test. As I expected my cholesterol, triglycerides, and stuff were high (though my glucose is perfectly fine). Considering how overweight I am for someone my size, I knew they wouldn't be normal.
The high liver enzymes came as a complete surprise though. I didn't really understand anything until I went to Dr. Cort where he examined everything and rattled off a bunch of possibilities...Hemochromitosis, Wilson's Disease, a couple autoimmune diseases (including Lupus), and a couple types of hepatitis. Most of them I had heard of because of House and other medical shows I watch (Mystery Diagnosis, Mystery ER, etc), but I didn't know them very well. However, I knew they were something to be concerned about. His biggest suspicion was that I might have something called Non-Alcoholic Steatohepatitis, which I had never heard of. I brushed it off because well, it just seemed like a long shot considering I didn't have any symptoms aside from the high liver enzymes and that could easily be caused by one of my medications.
However, then I checked the National Institute of Health site (I shouldn't have done that) and discovered that NASH has relatively no symptoms...It's called a "silent disease". *sigh* That killed any possibility of rationalizing and compartmentalizing things in my head to stave off my stress and anxiety monsters. Why don't I ever just listen to my voice of reason?
So, I had an ultrasound of my liver (I made a joke to my mom about this, apologizing about the fact that my first ultrasound experience didn't involve her getting a grandchild XD) and more blood work. Dr. Cort had said that if the tests didn't give any answers, then I'd have to undergo a liver biopsy.
Well, he called yesterday (Monday)...and that's exactly what the tests said. Undiagnostic. My liver enzymes were closer to normal, which was good, but they were still a bit high. The ultrasound revealed that I had some fat in my liver and there was a small lesion on it as well. The lesion caught my attention, but he said it's most likely a small cyst, but he wants me to have a CT scan and a biopsy. *sigh* So, next monday, I'm getting my CT and next thursday I'm having a liver biopsy...I am not pleased.
Seriously, this freaks me out because there's so much uncertainty about what it could be. This state of waiting drives me insane. I'm the one member of our family who has had very little experience with medical issues. I had a scratched cornea when I was five and I had to go in for an IV of fluids in 8th grade 'cause of dehydration from stomach flu, but that's it. That's the extent of my ER experience. I did have x-rays of my chest when I was little because I had a cough that wouldn't go away, but it turned out to be a chest cold or sommat. I've never had to go through this before, so of course my brain is going to completely overreact and create a high level of anxiety...Hell, I'm bad with states of uncertainty in any context!
Figuring out what to do with the house on Mulanix, when I wasn't sure if I was going to get kicked out of Truman or not, and if I was going to graduate last spring. These were prolonged and very mixed...And I stressed out about it all by myself. I didn't confide in anyone...Except maybe this blog.
Yesterday I sorta broke down and cried after the phone call and talked to my mom.
I went in for simple answers about why my intestines sometimes like to make me their bitch and ended up getting poked by needles and going through this nightmare. Hell, my initial question still hasn't been answered. --;;;
I had planned to be spending my time cleaning and being productive, but lately that hasn't happened. For me, life has frozen. I can't move forward because stress and anxiety have paralyzed me. The only things I've managed to do are activities that help me keep my mind off of what's going on. Puzzles mostly. I've been working on my first jigsaw puzzle in over three years, which is fun, but this is not what I wanted to be doing...Unfortunately, it's really hard to fight my anxiety. I've reached a point that motivation and drive are easily killed.
What's worse is that I'm switching from Concerta to some new drug. I have no idea what it will be because I haven't gotten to talk to Dr. Segovia yet. I've been on Concerta for about 10 years maybe, so it's probably time for a change anyway, but I just don't know what to expect...and that terrifies me. It's not the thought of something bad happening (I know I'm in good hands if something does)...It's the fact that I have no idea what the outcome will be. Last time I tried to change medications I couldn't because a full dose of the new medication made me sick, so I stuck to Concerta. I can't go back on Ritalin because it doesn't work very well on me anymore and Adderall is totally out because it made me insanely moody. I'll have to deal with some drug I've never heard of and that sorta freaks me out.
Oddly enough...I'm not worried about bad things... I know for a fact that I'm in good hands if anything bad happens or if this issue with my liver turns out to be way more serious than previously thought.
It's just the uncertainty and the waiting that drives my anxiety over the edge. I'm scared by what's been going on because I have very little experience with the medical world and I don't know what to expect. I'm not good at dealing with unknown factors. I'm the type of person who tends to get very anxious over new experiences (even if I'm excited about some of 'em). It's not my brain chattering about worst-case scenario or anything...It's the fact that I can't predict what will happen. I don't have all the facts, so I don't know what to expect and that terrifies me. Despite my tendency towards whimsy, I have an intensely analytical mind and it goes haywire when there are too many unknown variables. Sometimes all it takes is one, but most of the time I'm able to handle a single unknown variable by using what I know about other variables.
Yeah, it doesn't make much sense, but I'm not sure how else to describe it. I can solve for X most of the time and sometimes I can even solve for X and Y. Maybe even Z if the problem is really easy, but ask for complicated problems involving two or more unknown variables and I freeze like a deer in frakkin' headlights.
It doesn't help that I have a myriad of other issues dancing around in my psyche. Frak, I know I need to be in an intensive program for weight loss and diet control and the best choice would be some sort of camp, but my social anxieties would negate the therapies offered because I'd be too stressed out to properly absorb anything we were being taught.
*sigh* I dunno...Right now I'm just standing still and waiting to get this resolved...I'm functioning more than I used to, but barely. I haven't completely shut down, which is a good thing, but my mind is still pretty damn overwhelmed by everything that's been going on.
If you think it's no big deal and I'm being overly dramatic, then all I can say is fuck you. Go get some unknown malady and spend a few weeks with doctors running several tests to try to figure out what's going on and so far they've found next to nothing. Spend days waiting for test results only to find out that you have to have more tests that will take even longer. Add in a lovely mix of mental issues (ADHD, anxiety, social, possibly even some minor depression, and a few more little darlings that I don't have names for yet). I'd be happy to watch you have a breakdown. Right now it's taking the majority of my willpower to not have one. I've never been normal. I've rarely been in a mental state that I would call stable, partially because of the ADHD. I may appear happy and calm, but all it takes is the right trigger to send me into a downward spiral for weeks.
I don't take medication for anxiety or depression because I don't want to. I only want to use meds to handle my ADHD and use behavioral therapy for everything else. I'm on enough other medications as it is (allergies, asthma, wacky hormones). It's also likely that I'll have to go on cholesterol medicine until I get my weight and diet under control. It's just too damn high. Plus it doesn't help that high cholesterol runs in the family. --;;
*sigh* I need to stop thinking about this stuff and go to bed...it feels good to get this out, but at the same time...I don't really feel better.
I just need to sleep...
The irony of the title of the song I'm listening to is not lost on me.