"Screw Valentine's Day. I'm celebrating the Chinese New Year." ~ Me
Yoinked from Kia-chan
1.Are you single or taken?
Single.
2. Chocolate or flowers?
I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to chocolate and flowers die after a few days...hmm...I KNOW! A potted, flowering plant! =D However, those can be expensive, so chocolate. XD
3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
Not really. I'll probably spend the day watching movies and working on my Criminology paper. There may be some moping as well. *shrug* I've never done enormously special stuff for V-day except avoid people (unless it's on a saturday night and club is having a Shojo Night).
4. Do you like anyone?
Romantically? Hmmm.... Not really. Then again, I've been trying to kill off any little crush monsters inside me, so it's really no surprise. There is one guy I do like more than others, but I don't think I'd be able to work out a relationship with him. Besides, there are probably girls higher on his list than me.
5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
I've never dated, so no.
6. What would be your dream Valentines date?
I'm pretty sure all I'd want is to spend time with the other person. Dinner and a movie. Doesn't matter if we go out or stay in (bonus points of said significant other cooked for me). Movie choice doesn't really matter either. XD It's just being with the other person that matters. Though I have a lot of geeky ideas, too. XD
7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
Not really. I like to wave at it as it passes by. I like February 15th. Discount Chocolate Day. =D However, I will admit that I am profoundly bitter towards Valentine's Day regarding my own love life (which died a long time ago). I do bug my dad and make sure he takes my mom out to somewhere nice. XD
8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
No. I've never really had a guy tell me to my face that they like me (and mean it) either.
9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
Probably not. There was one time in my life where I got up the courage to write one. It was for Andrew. I had crushed on him for over three years (I was in eighth grade by now) and I finally got a spine. I declared that my single New Year's Resolution was to give him a valentine on Valentine's Day and tell him to his face that I liked him (even though he had turned me down when Lacey asked him out for me). I just wanted to admit it to him myself. Winter break came and went. It was two weeks into the new term and I hadn't seen him at all. I asked his friends and they tell me he moved. I think my entire confidence shattered that day and I lost the nerve. I've had an aversion to the idea of writing love letters ever since because I always think about that event when I hear that phrase.
Though I know I could write one. I'm good at writing sappy crap. XD
10. Do you believe in Cupid?
Not really, but if I ever see him, I'm going to steal an arrow and ram it up is ass. I hate Cupid. He's tried to sneak up on me one too many times with those damned arrows and I think I finally scared him off with my hostile aura.
11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?
Sometimes they send me a card or flowers, but usually all I get is a card from my grandparents. The tradition with my parents is that I call them the day after and ask dad if he took my mom somewhere romantic. XD
12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
No. Sometimes, I'll bring candy to club on Shojo Night, but I gave up on cards. That's the one thing I got really tired of giving and pretty much never receiving. Though in recent years...that feeling has started to apply to other gift exchanging holidays. Nothing says friendship like four people saying: "I'll totally get you a gift during winter break" and then having them forget about it. *shrug* I'm used to it. I've given up on V-day, Christmas, and my birthday. I still give out gifts if I find something that makes me think of someone, but overall. No. The giver in me is turning into a curmudgeon.
13. Do you like candy hearts?
Depends on the brand. I like Gobstoppers and sweet tart hearts, but the traditional ones are gross.
14. Flowers or chocolate?
I think I answered this one already, but here's another idea. Chocolate flowers. Very tasty. Or a cocoa bean tree! =D
15. Is Valentines day depressing?
Okay. I have two emotions about V-day. When V-day is applied to my love life, yes, it's depressing and I hate it. When it's applied to the love of the people I care about, I like it. Even though it sorta pokes a sore spot with a sharp stick, it is fun hearing my friends gush about what their significant other did for them, especially if it was something creative. XD
16. How do you feel about PDA?
Hand-holding, hugging, or a simple kiss is fine. However, making out or something more makes me want to harm the people involved.
17. How is your love life?
It's dead. How about yours?
...Urge of violence rising. *looks at funny cake pictures* urge disappearing.
18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
Kinda hard to get dumped when you've never dated, so no. However, if a guy did try to dump me on V-day....Well, the vengeance will be both sweet and creative.
19. How many roses would you want?
One would be just fine for me.
20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next year?
I have no idea. There's a higher probability since I'll be back in STL permanently, but still...I dunno. I have a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. I have trust issues. *shrug* I personally don't believe what anyone would find attractive about me because I have such low self-esteem regarding my image, so... meh. It'd be nice, but it's a very low probability. I have this whole "who would want me?" issue imprinted in my brain. It comes from being rejected by the few that I trusted and really loved.
In a sense, I've only truly fallen in love twice. The first guy, Andrew, rejected me and though the initial rejection didn't hurt ("he said he didn't want to date you because you're his friend" or sommat like that) because I accepted that (hell, I was still his friend! I was happy to hear that). It was his disappearance without a single word to me that caused such emotional injury to me, especially since a few months before I was reassured that we were still friends. Salt was rubbed on that wound when one of my friends told me that my feelings toward him may have been mutual... Then it was reopened later when I saw him for the first time in like... eight months and the first thing he said was: "Well, this is awkward." Yeah... I was already confused over another guy and then this... *shakes head* Didn't help at all. In recent years, I realized that what really hurt me the most was... Andrew was the ONLY person I ever trusted to never hurt me...and then he did. That's a hard thing to shake off without proper therapy and better experiences (which I haven't had).
The other person was, Don, or who I referred to as, Asura, for a long time. Yes, he was an internet relationship, but his personality was what I fell in love with. I think part of it was that he was so much like Andrew, but there was more to him. I loved his writing. His skill was an inspiration. Then all that chatroom drama crap and I had my little stupid break from reality because I was so fucked up already...I ruined it...but in a way...I think we both let it fail. It was Don that I was all confused over when I saw Andrew again... I wanted to get back together with Don, but it wasn't working and later I found out that he was already dating again. First it was some girl in his town and then it was Becca (Des). To make matters worse, I ended up being their god damned relationship counselor. Thanks for the salt on the wound. Then again, those two also mocked my writing to the point that I ended up with writer's block for a year or more that affected my academic work. They did NOT give me constructive criticism. It was more: "Okay. Let's find where you went wrong and make fun of it to see if we can break you of this habit." Sorta like what Laura tried to do to me in high school. "Negative reinforcement". Either way, I still like Don and I still adore his writing, but unless he's in STL, I don't want to have a relationship with him again.
Two other guys cropped up later, but it turns out one was only looking for sex and the other wasn't serious at all (starting hitting on my friend five minutes later when I finally turned him down. wtf).
So yes, that's my tale of woe and hardship. It isn't long, but with how fragile I was at that age...it was devastating. Shattered my self-esteem, my ego, my self-worth, and all manner of other things. I loved two guys and in the end, one left me without closure and very hurt and the other inadvertently (maybe *shrug*) hurt me with emotional abuse. By the time I reached high school, I was barely patched up and fragile. The other two came along and made things worse. So, here I am, someone who is a passionate, hopeless romantic, but afraid of intimacy and relationships because I firmly believe I'll just end up hurt. I hide away my scarred heart to protect it. I hide away the real me to protect her.
I am not necessarily bitter towards love. It's not love's fault that these people and me were idiots. I'm pretty sure I will fall in love again someday (I won't be able to help it if I meet someone that stirs such emotions). I just don't think anyone will love me in that way...It doesn't help that I question the sincerity of the one person who did say they loved me (Don, though it was online and I just dunno). My inner-optimist and inner-hopeless romantic will always have hope though...Even though my inner-cynic, inner-pessimist, and my inner-skeptic disagree.
*sigh* I think I've had enough emotional stimulation from these memories for one day...
I'm done.
Yeah...That was pleasant. --;; Meh. Some aspects of V-day bring me joy while the aspect that addresses my own love life just depresses me. It comes from unfulfilled psychological and emotional needs. To me love is both good and bad. It causes warmth as well as pain when I think about it. My experiences have been poor for the most part, but I was always happier when I was in love...however...with the way I am now...Just being in love isn't enough. *shrug* If it happens...It happens. I don't know.
It's kinda sad. I can write the sappiest and most romantic shit in the world, but I can't make my own love life work. I can't even tell a guy that I used to have a huge crush on him...probably because I do still sorta like him, but I'm also afraid of what might happen if I do tell him. My three biggest fears are rejection, being left behind, and being forgotten. So, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Mostly because I firmly believe nothing good will come of it and why tell him when it won't make a positive different.
Okay. I'm definitely done now. I have to stop this train of thought before I drop into a mood that leads to bad things.
NEW SUBJECT!
My neighbors (the ones below us) are noisy little buggers. It's times like these that I wish I could see what people are doing without them seeing me and then make them go night night.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates.
~Marty / Shin~
Current Writing Projects:
Aoitsuki Yurai - 4 rewritten chapters posted (soon to be 5). Currently rewriting chapter 14.
Fallen Angel - Bits and pieces of chapters 1-5 have been rewritten. The old story is still posted, but that will be remedied as soon as I actually finish chapter 1. 2 and 3 are pretty much completely done. 4 is okay, but two scenes need to be connected. 5 is just getting started. I finally have a real plot. XD
Webcomic - Character development stage.
1.Are you single or taken?
Single.
2. Chocolate or flowers?
I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to chocolate and flowers die after a few days...hmm...I KNOW! A potted, flowering plant! =D However, those can be expensive, so chocolate. XD
3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
Not really. I'll probably spend the day watching movies and working on my Criminology paper. There may be some moping as well. *shrug* I've never done enormously special stuff for V-day except avoid people (unless it's on a saturday night and club is having a Shojo Night).
4. Do you like anyone?
Romantically? Hmmm.... Not really. Then again, I've been trying to kill off any little crush monsters inside me, so it's really no surprise. There is one guy I do like more than others, but I don't think I'd be able to work out a relationship with him. Besides, there are probably girls higher on his list than me.
5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
I've never dated, so no.
6. What would be your dream Valentines date?
I'm pretty sure all I'd want is to spend time with the other person. Dinner and a movie. Doesn't matter if we go out or stay in (bonus points of said significant other cooked for me). Movie choice doesn't really matter either. XD It's just being with the other person that matters. Though I have a lot of geeky ideas, too. XD
7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
Not really. I like to wave at it as it passes by. I like February 15th. Discount Chocolate Day. =D However, I will admit that I am profoundly bitter towards Valentine's Day regarding my own love life (which died a long time ago). I do bug my dad and make sure he takes my mom out to somewhere nice. XD
8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
No. I've never really had a guy tell me to my face that they like me (and mean it) either.
9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
Probably not. There was one time in my life where I got up the courage to write one. It was for Andrew. I had crushed on him for over three years (I was in eighth grade by now) and I finally got a spine. I declared that my single New Year's Resolution was to give him a valentine on Valentine's Day and tell him to his face that I liked him (even though he had turned me down when Lacey asked him out for me). I just wanted to admit it to him myself. Winter break came and went. It was two weeks into the new term and I hadn't seen him at all. I asked his friends and they tell me he moved. I think my entire confidence shattered that day and I lost the nerve. I've had an aversion to the idea of writing love letters ever since because I always think about that event when I hear that phrase.
Though I know I could write one. I'm good at writing sappy crap. XD
10. Do you believe in Cupid?
Not really, but if I ever see him, I'm going to steal an arrow and ram it up is ass. I hate Cupid. He's tried to sneak up on me one too many times with those damned arrows and I think I finally scared him off with my hostile aura.
11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?
Sometimes they send me a card or flowers, but usually all I get is a card from my grandparents. The tradition with my parents is that I call them the day after and ask dad if he took my mom somewhere romantic. XD
12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
No. Sometimes, I'll bring candy to club on Shojo Night, but I gave up on cards. That's the one thing I got really tired of giving and pretty much never receiving. Though in recent years...that feeling has started to apply to other gift exchanging holidays. Nothing says friendship like four people saying: "I'll totally get you a gift during winter break" and then having them forget about it. *shrug* I'm used to it. I've given up on V-day, Christmas, and my birthday. I still give out gifts if I find something that makes me think of someone, but overall. No. The giver in me is turning into a curmudgeon.
13. Do you like candy hearts?
Depends on the brand. I like Gobstoppers and sweet tart hearts, but the traditional ones are gross.
14. Flowers or chocolate?
I think I answered this one already, but here's another idea. Chocolate flowers. Very tasty. Or a cocoa bean tree! =D
15. Is Valentines day depressing?
Okay. I have two emotions about V-day. When V-day is applied to my love life, yes, it's depressing and I hate it. When it's applied to the love of the people I care about, I like it. Even though it sorta pokes a sore spot with a sharp stick, it is fun hearing my friends gush about what their significant other did for them, especially if it was something creative. XD
16. How do you feel about PDA?
Hand-holding, hugging, or a simple kiss is fine. However, making out or something more makes me want to harm the people involved.
17. How is your love life?
It's dead. How about yours?
...Urge of violence rising. *looks at funny cake pictures* urge disappearing.
18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
Kinda hard to get dumped when you've never dated, so no. However, if a guy did try to dump me on V-day....Well, the vengeance will be both sweet and creative.
19. How many roses would you want?
One would be just fine for me.
20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next year?
I have no idea. There's a higher probability since I'll be back in STL permanently, but still...I dunno. I have a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. I have trust issues. *shrug* I personally don't believe what anyone would find attractive about me because I have such low self-esteem regarding my image, so... meh. It'd be nice, but it's a very low probability. I have this whole "who would want me?" issue imprinted in my brain. It comes from being rejected by the few that I trusted and really loved.
In a sense, I've only truly fallen in love twice. The first guy, Andrew, rejected me and though the initial rejection didn't hurt ("he said he didn't want to date you because you're his friend" or sommat like that) because I accepted that (hell, I was still his friend! I was happy to hear that). It was his disappearance without a single word to me that caused such emotional injury to me, especially since a few months before I was reassured that we were still friends. Salt was rubbed on that wound when one of my friends told me that my feelings toward him may have been mutual... Then it was reopened later when I saw him for the first time in like... eight months and the first thing he said was: "Well, this is awkward." Yeah... I was already confused over another guy and then this... *shakes head* Didn't help at all. In recent years, I realized that what really hurt me the most was... Andrew was the ONLY person I ever trusted to never hurt me...and then he did. That's a hard thing to shake off without proper therapy and better experiences (which I haven't had).
The other person was, Don, or who I referred to as, Asura, for a long time. Yes, he was an internet relationship, but his personality was what I fell in love with. I think part of it was that he was so much like Andrew, but there was more to him. I loved his writing. His skill was an inspiration. Then all that chatroom drama crap and I had my little stupid break from reality because I was so fucked up already...I ruined it...but in a way...I think we both let it fail. It was Don that I was all confused over when I saw Andrew again... I wanted to get back together with Don, but it wasn't working and later I found out that he was already dating again. First it was some girl in his town and then it was Becca (Des). To make matters worse, I ended up being their god damned relationship counselor. Thanks for the salt on the wound. Then again, those two also mocked my writing to the point that I ended up with writer's block for a year or more that affected my academic work. They did NOT give me constructive criticism. It was more: "Okay. Let's find where you went wrong and make fun of it to see if we can break you of this habit." Sorta like what Laura tried to do to me in high school. "Negative reinforcement". Either way, I still like Don and I still adore his writing, but unless he's in STL, I don't want to have a relationship with him again.
Two other guys cropped up later, but it turns out one was only looking for sex and the other wasn't serious at all (starting hitting on my friend five minutes later when I finally turned him down. wtf).
So yes, that's my tale of woe and hardship. It isn't long, but with how fragile I was at that age...it was devastating. Shattered my self-esteem, my ego, my self-worth, and all manner of other things. I loved two guys and in the end, one left me without closure and very hurt and the other inadvertently (maybe *shrug*) hurt me with emotional abuse. By the time I reached high school, I was barely patched up and fragile. The other two came along and made things worse. So, here I am, someone who is a passionate, hopeless romantic, but afraid of intimacy and relationships because I firmly believe I'll just end up hurt. I hide away my scarred heart to protect it. I hide away the real me to protect her.
I am not necessarily bitter towards love. It's not love's fault that these people and me were idiots. I'm pretty sure I will fall in love again someday (I won't be able to help it if I meet someone that stirs such emotions). I just don't think anyone will love me in that way...It doesn't help that I question the sincerity of the one person who did say they loved me (Don, though it was online and I just dunno). My inner-optimist and inner-hopeless romantic will always have hope though...Even though my inner-cynic, inner-pessimist, and my inner-skeptic disagree.
*sigh* I think I've had enough emotional stimulation from these memories for one day...
I'm done.
Yeah...That was pleasant. --;; Meh. Some aspects of V-day bring me joy while the aspect that addresses my own love life just depresses me. It comes from unfulfilled psychological and emotional needs. To me love is both good and bad. It causes warmth as well as pain when I think about it. My experiences have been poor for the most part, but I was always happier when I was in love...however...with the way I am now...Just being in love isn't enough. *shrug* If it happens...It happens. I don't know.
It's kinda sad. I can write the sappiest and most romantic shit in the world, but I can't make my own love life work. I can't even tell a guy that I used to have a huge crush on him...probably because I do still sorta like him, but I'm also afraid of what might happen if I do tell him. My three biggest fears are rejection, being left behind, and being forgotten. So, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Mostly because I firmly believe nothing good will come of it and why tell him when it won't make a positive different.
Okay. I'm definitely done now. I have to stop this train of thought before I drop into a mood that leads to bad things.
NEW SUBJECT!
My neighbors (the ones below us) are noisy little buggers. It's times like these that I wish I could see what people are doing without them seeing me and then make them go night night.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates.
~Marty / Shin~
Current Writing Projects:
Aoitsuki Yurai - 4 rewritten chapters posted (soon to be 5). Currently rewriting chapter 14.
Fallen Angel - Bits and pieces of chapters 1-5 have been rewritten. The old story is still posted, but that will be remedied as soon as I actually finish chapter 1. 2 and 3 are pretty much completely done. 4 is okay, but two scenes need to be connected. 5 is just getting started. I finally have a real plot. XD
Webcomic - Character development stage.