"Life is a roller coaster, darling, get used to it. Just remember to put the safety bar down."
Sorta sommat I just said to myself. >>;;
Well... Last year nearly around this time... I reread all my old RKT stuff and chatted with Unknown, learning of Blade and Shuu's lives away from the internet. Now as I rewrite my Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic... I felt an urge to reread them again. I was able to analyze more things and be horrified by some of my behaviors. After rereading them last year... I realized that I inadvertently... I dunno if that's the right word... But in a way I fell in love with Blade. Now, after reading them with more knowledge in my head... I think it's more that I fell in love with her fictional character, Saikoro. I dunno... Either way... I fell in love with a personality. Part of it is the fact that Blade completely accepted me for who I am. Insanity and all.
Blade, Shuu, Shi, Sporky, Flare, Mel, and Hoshi. They all accepted me for who I was. I really could be myself with them. I was more real with them than I was with my high school friends. They helped me revive my muses and rekindle my passion for writing. I was living vicariously through Shin. I got so many things I wanted... Aside from all the trauma I put Shin through. ^^;; Still. The acceptance, friendships, and love I got from them... It felt more real than the Bnet days. We didn't talk a lot about our personal lives, but whenever it came up... It felt natural to open up to them. I never hesitated with them. I mean... It was Sporky that I opened up to when things were getting rocky with one of my closest high school friends...
I just wish I hadn't made Shin so uptight and had allowed her to be more affectionate... Less of a spaz. XD Then again, way back then I was a spaz. >> So moody was I.
Since I owe a lot to those ladies and they mean so much to me... I'm doing a tribute. I've gathered descriptions of characters and I'm going to draw them. I'm also going to make "photo" type pics that are like snapshots from the RPs. I'm already dedicating my Yu Yu Hakusho fics to them (and Kia and Lexi since they were such inspirations for me). I'm also going to dedicate any other written works to them that contain scenarios that I worked out with the RKT ladies.
It seems so silly to have people you've never met in real life to mean so much... but... I was so happy... Nothing brought me more joy than to get online and chat with these ladies, especially when we went on adventures. It was a place to vent and exercise my muses. A place where I could confront my issues safely. I just felt so safe talking to them. I don't quite know why, but I did.
And I miss that... I miss them so much... It does kinda hurt to think about it... But in the end, I'm just glad I was given the opportunity to meet all of them and be a part of their world for a little bit. Even if they never think of me again or even remember who I am... I'm still glad that I knew them. I loved them all. They let me be me. That Shin in the chats was merely based off of Shinzui of my fanfic. In all essence... She was me... and I've reminded myself that her era has ended. That's how I'm able to work on my Yu Yu Hakusho fic again after believing that it was just too painful to do so... Last year, I declared that I would never work on it again because I just couldn't stand dealing with the Shinzui character after RPing her in RKT, but now I know the difference. In RKT... That was Shin. That was me. She is different from my fanfic Shinzui. They share many things, but are still different.
Shin of RKT has been retired. Shinzui of Aoitsuki Yurai has been reborn. I have a new fire with that story, but I don't know if I'll use any villains I created in RKT. *Shrug* It depends on how I feel about it. I might use Hokori because I don't quite like the way things went with him. The Kenki Yokoshima story line might be reincarnated in a different writing project because I did like what I came up with for him, but it will have to change a lot... I want it to be separate from the story that was in RKT, especially since Blade and I were using that story line to develop Shin and Sai's relationship. *sigh* It still saddens me that their relationship never got completely off the ground, but that's how things go.
I will reread the chats again eventually... I didn't try to summarize them this time like I had intended. Meh. I just wanted to read them. I know that when I reread them again it will still depress me, but that just shows how important these people were to me and how much I miss them.
As for the rest of my life right now... Bleh. I've been kind of just going through the motions... I probably should return to the counseling center... I've definitely missed out on joining the group, but we'll just have to see. There is nothing bad about my life... No crises or anything... Things are just a bit... I dunno... Weird. Everything is new to me this semester, except Chorus. It's freaking me out a little I guess. I'm now terrified of my Crim Law class because Prof. Williams wants us to do opening statements in class and he said he's going to select people AT RANDOM. >< I hate talking in front of class like that. >> that's why I'm not going tomorrow... Along with the fact that I really need to get my part of the intro for the psych project paper done, which is something I'm clueless with because I've never really written an intro for this type of research paper.
I'm just kind of overwhelmed by my emotions and things. 'Course right now I can blame it on the fact that my uterus is reminding me that it's there and fertile. --;; However, I've kind of been up and down for the past few weeks. It doesn't help that I'll be going home a lot these next few weeks. I'm already kind of a mental case with my emotions... This isn't going to make it any better. I'm a little more isolated this year than last year... I miss hanging with Michelle and Holly. Every thing is so different...
This is why I need to graduate next semester. I need to get out of here and back to a place where I can establish a stable lifestyle. I can't do that up here and it's driving me batty. I continue to relapse each time a new semester starts. I don't really have anything that's stable... which is why I need to make something that is. Set aside an hour per day to do something that is the same from day to day. Hmm... Well, I need to do my sculpting. That's what I shall do. An hour each day, I will sculpt... --;; After this weekend because I don't even have my sculpey up here.
*sighs* Oh how I miss the simpler days... but life is just going to become more complicated as I get away from the familiar routines of college. I know it will eventually settle, but I'm gonna be a basket case till then.
God.... I know what I need right now... but I do not have such a person at this time. Yes. Person...
... Oddly enough... Just now... That line just broke the writer's block on Chapter 12 of Aoitsuki Yurai... Shinzui gets all emotional (just like I am right now) and I hated Kurama's comforting gesture in the first edition of the fanfic... It was just too... Bleh... I like what I have now. A simple, comforting embrace. Just being held, which is what I want right now. It's all I ever want when I'm feeling this depressed. No words. I just want to be held. Unfortunately, I do not have someone to do that. *shrug* For now, I hug my wolf plushie, Timber. It does kinda help. XD Wow... Now I'm laughing at myself. I was crying and all depressed before and now... Well, I'm amused.
Writing is my drug... I always feel better after writing. In a way it is a form of escapism, but it help keeps me sane. Besides, the reason I don't have a person to fulfill the need is because I have no interest in anyone anyway. XD *Shrug* That's just the way things are right now.
Man... I really do feel much better now. I'm pleased. Time for bed.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~
Well... Last year nearly around this time... I reread all my old RKT stuff and chatted with Unknown, learning of Blade and Shuu's lives away from the internet. Now as I rewrite my Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic... I felt an urge to reread them again. I was able to analyze more things and be horrified by some of my behaviors. After rereading them last year... I realized that I inadvertently... I dunno if that's the right word... But in a way I fell in love with Blade. Now, after reading them with more knowledge in my head... I think it's more that I fell in love with her fictional character, Saikoro. I dunno... Either way... I fell in love with a personality. Part of it is the fact that Blade completely accepted me for who I am. Insanity and all.
Blade, Shuu, Shi, Sporky, Flare, Mel, and Hoshi. They all accepted me for who I was. I really could be myself with them. I was more real with them than I was with my high school friends. They helped me revive my muses and rekindle my passion for writing. I was living vicariously through Shin. I got so many things I wanted... Aside from all the trauma I put Shin through. ^^;; Still. The acceptance, friendships, and love I got from them... It felt more real than the Bnet days. We didn't talk a lot about our personal lives, but whenever it came up... It felt natural to open up to them. I never hesitated with them. I mean... It was Sporky that I opened up to when things were getting rocky with one of my closest high school friends...
I just wish I hadn't made Shin so uptight and had allowed her to be more affectionate... Less of a spaz. XD Then again, way back then I was a spaz. >> So moody was I.
Since I owe a lot to those ladies and they mean so much to me... I'm doing a tribute. I've gathered descriptions of characters and I'm going to draw them. I'm also going to make "photo" type pics that are like snapshots from the RPs. I'm already dedicating my Yu Yu Hakusho fics to them (and Kia and Lexi since they were such inspirations for me). I'm also going to dedicate any other written works to them that contain scenarios that I worked out with the RKT ladies.
It seems so silly to have people you've never met in real life to mean so much... but... I was so happy... Nothing brought me more joy than to get online and chat with these ladies, especially when we went on adventures. It was a place to vent and exercise my muses. A place where I could confront my issues safely. I just felt so safe talking to them. I don't quite know why, but I did.
And I miss that... I miss them so much... It does kinda hurt to think about it... But in the end, I'm just glad I was given the opportunity to meet all of them and be a part of their world for a little bit. Even if they never think of me again or even remember who I am... I'm still glad that I knew them. I loved them all. They let me be me. That Shin in the chats was merely based off of Shinzui of my fanfic. In all essence... She was me... and I've reminded myself that her era has ended. That's how I'm able to work on my Yu Yu Hakusho fic again after believing that it was just too painful to do so... Last year, I declared that I would never work on it again because I just couldn't stand dealing with the Shinzui character after RPing her in RKT, but now I know the difference. In RKT... That was Shin. That was me. She is different from my fanfic Shinzui. They share many things, but are still different.
Shin of RKT has been retired. Shinzui of Aoitsuki Yurai has been reborn. I have a new fire with that story, but I don't know if I'll use any villains I created in RKT. *Shrug* It depends on how I feel about it. I might use Hokori because I don't quite like the way things went with him. The Kenki Yokoshima story line might be reincarnated in a different writing project because I did like what I came up with for him, but it will have to change a lot... I want it to be separate from the story that was in RKT, especially since Blade and I were using that story line to develop Shin and Sai's relationship. *sigh* It still saddens me that their relationship never got completely off the ground, but that's how things go.
I will reread the chats again eventually... I didn't try to summarize them this time like I had intended. Meh. I just wanted to read them. I know that when I reread them again it will still depress me, but that just shows how important these people were to me and how much I miss them.
As for the rest of my life right now... Bleh. I've been kind of just going through the motions... I probably should return to the counseling center... I've definitely missed out on joining the group, but we'll just have to see. There is nothing bad about my life... No crises or anything... Things are just a bit... I dunno... Weird. Everything is new to me this semester, except Chorus. It's freaking me out a little I guess. I'm now terrified of my Crim Law class because Prof. Williams wants us to do opening statements in class and he said he's going to select people AT RANDOM. >< I hate talking in front of class like that. >> that's why I'm not going tomorrow... Along with the fact that I really need to get my part of the intro for the psych project paper done, which is something I'm clueless with because I've never really written an intro for this type of research paper.
I'm just kind of overwhelmed by my emotions and things. 'Course right now I can blame it on the fact that my uterus is reminding me that it's there and fertile. --;; However, I've kind of been up and down for the past few weeks. It doesn't help that I'll be going home a lot these next few weeks. I'm already kind of a mental case with my emotions... This isn't going to make it any better. I'm a little more isolated this year than last year... I miss hanging with Michelle and Holly. Every thing is so different...
This is why I need to graduate next semester. I need to get out of here and back to a place where I can establish a stable lifestyle. I can't do that up here and it's driving me batty. I continue to relapse each time a new semester starts. I don't really have anything that's stable... which is why I need to make something that is. Set aside an hour per day to do something that is the same from day to day. Hmm... Well, I need to do my sculpting. That's what I shall do. An hour each day, I will sculpt... --;; After this weekend because I don't even have my sculpey up here.
*sighs* Oh how I miss the simpler days... but life is just going to become more complicated as I get away from the familiar routines of college. I know it will eventually settle, but I'm gonna be a basket case till then.
God.... I know what I need right now... but I do not have such a person at this time. Yes. Person...
... Oddly enough... Just now... That line just broke the writer's block on Chapter 12 of Aoitsuki Yurai... Shinzui gets all emotional (just like I am right now) and I hated Kurama's comforting gesture in the first edition of the fanfic... It was just too... Bleh... I like what I have now. A simple, comforting embrace. Just being held, which is what I want right now. It's all I ever want when I'm feeling this depressed. No words. I just want to be held. Unfortunately, I do not have someone to do that. *shrug* For now, I hug my wolf plushie, Timber. It does kinda help. XD Wow... Now I'm laughing at myself. I was crying and all depressed before and now... Well, I'm amused.
Writing is my drug... I always feel better after writing. In a way it is a form of escapism, but it help keeps me sane. Besides, the reason I don't have a person to fulfill the need is because I have no interest in anyone anyway. XD *Shrug* That's just the way things are right now.
Man... I really do feel much better now. I'm pleased. Time for bed.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~