"Being on crack is a requirement if you work for CLAMP." ~ Me
I like some of CLAMP's work, but all in all they do a lot of weird shit in their mangas.... I recently read all of Card Captor Sakura and I liked it, but.... There were some really creepy couples in it... I liked the note that the scanlator made. They said "Note: CLAMP = Pedophilia complex." I agree. --;; I like their earlier works. Most of their recent stuff is rather... How do I put this delicately... Crappy. --;;
Just felt like updating.
Sarah! I read a really good manga! It's called Good Morning Call. If you haven't read it yet, you should! I think you'd like it. It's really cute. =D
Since it's technically thursday, I shall just refer to days of the week instead of dealing with the 'yesterday' and 'today' type stuff. --;;
Things are... Okay. Kinda. It's better than last semester, but I'm still kinda unmotivated. --;; Actually, I'm probably just in a slump.
Tuesday I stayed up till 6am, so I ended up sleeping through my class and then I took a shower instead of going to Chorus. --;; I just... Didn't feel like dealing with people. --;; I was in a foul mood anyway.
Wednesday I went to my classes and then had my first visit with Brian in over... Hmm... Probably 7 months maybe... I don't feel like doing the math, but the last time I saw him was May of last year. I'll probably be getting individual counseling with him this semester since I have limited openings in my schedule. However, I hope to return to group next semester.
Yeah... I think I should stay in counseling till I graduate. Things are just... Really unstable right now. So many things are going on. I've been off kilter since that 'Avoided Vehicle Sandwich' incident back in October. Most people may not think 'almost' dying is a big deal. To some it may seem like nothing happened. Everyone was fine. I wasn't hurt. However, I suppose such people would have to live a similar experience to really understand what it's like to avoid death. I am not exaggerating. I do tend to be a drama queen at times, but I don't exaggerate when it comes to these things. Anyway, my parents aren't really that supportive of me trying to balance academics with my art projects for Anime STL. My mom basically said: "You can't do it."
She didn't say: "I don't think you can do it."
She flat out said: "You can't do it."
How supportive. The thing that hurts the most is that my mother should know better than to say that to her child. We've had discussions about parental support of children before and she gave me her opinion, which is why I know what she should know better.
The added stress of trying to find housemates is there, too. *sigh* Plus I have to take care of my braces and watch what I eat. I'm still getting used to chewing. --;;
Needless to say... I'm a mess. I may not always seem like it, but I tend to hide it quite well. I kinda realized sommat today. I completely trust Brian (to a degree... I still have my censors marching around watching the info that comes out). I think Jacque's the only person I've divulged more info to about myself. However... Other people. I have levels of trust with them... kinda.
In the end.... I don't really trust people. I don't ask people for help because I'm scared of people. I'm scared to rely on people. When I needed help in high school... It was either unnoticed, dismissed, or I got lectured about not taking action. I didn't have the courage or confidence to go up to my friends and say: "I need to talk about my feelings." Who the fuck could blame me?! After what happened in 6th grade! I had my entire group of friends turn on me like a pack of hungry hyenas! How the fuck am I supposed to trust anyone after that? Yes, I made friends again. Yes, I created bonds with people again. Did I trust them enough to be completely open and honest about myself? No. I'm still like that. I will talk more now, but I still won't show when I'm breaking down. I still run and hide when I feel like my world has spun out of control. I still won't ask people for help!
Even going to the counseling center took a major break down. I seriously considered packing everything up, dropping out of Truman, and just going home back then. I wanted to give up. I was calling my parents crying almost every night! That's when I finally realized that I needed help. That's when I finally went to ask for help. It was hard, but I finally did it. I made the same decision this time. I knew I needed help. I needed to talk to someone, but it couldn't just be anyone. It had to be someone at the counseling center. Preferably Brian or Jane. Jane was my first counselor, but Brian was the group counselor and I met with him a few times on an individual basis when group hadn't started back up after a long break. Even so... There are still somethings that I won't tell them... Because I don't want to admit to having those demons... Someday... I'll be able to tell a professional about it, but not yet.
Still. I trusted a stranger more than people close to me. Why? 'Cause I knew the person was a professional and they would be unbiased. Plus... I knew that they couldn't turn on me. They're morally and professionally obligated to protect my privacy. I know they won't always be there, but I know they'll be here till I graduate.
I just don't trust people. They scare me. Letting them see me in a vulnerable state scares me. I don't trust people to catch me if I fall. I don't trust people to help me when I need them. I don't trust anyone to come save me. 'Cause no one ever did. I always had to pull myself up out of the hole. To force myself to get back on my feet and just keep going. The funny part is that the words of encouragement I did get from people were mostly from people I had met online. How funny indeed.
To sum up that last paragraph... I am the only one I can trust to save me.
I fantasize about meeting that one person who can see through my charades... My acts... That person who can tell when I'm lying. But I know they don't exist... Let's face it. I dream and fantasize a lot, but it never happens. I'm 21 years old. I've had loads of dreams and fantasies. Not one has actually come true. I've had my moments where it's so close, but then something usually goes wrong. That's just the way life is for me right now. I may be able to change it some day... But not right now. I need to live in reality for now.
Meh. I have another meeting with Brian on Friday because I won't be able to meet next week. Besides, today was just establishing why I came back and what times I can meet.
I have to remember to email my e-pal for Japanese and also harass the people at Patty's about my music today... --;; I also need to send my sis and pete their presents and finish making my grandmother's. I'm finding ways to simplify my projects for Anime STL so I can get more done in less time.
Well... I'm done. I need to go to bed. My stomach's acting up. bleh. It's probably from all the stress I've been under.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~
Just felt like updating.
Sarah! I read a really good manga! It's called Good Morning Call. If you haven't read it yet, you should! I think you'd like it. It's really cute. =D
Since it's technically thursday, I shall just refer to days of the week instead of dealing with the 'yesterday' and 'today' type stuff. --;;
Things are... Okay. Kinda. It's better than last semester, but I'm still kinda unmotivated. --;; Actually, I'm probably just in a slump.
Tuesday I stayed up till 6am, so I ended up sleeping through my class and then I took a shower instead of going to Chorus. --;; I just... Didn't feel like dealing with people. --;; I was in a foul mood anyway.
Wednesday I went to my classes and then had my first visit with Brian in over... Hmm... Probably 7 months maybe... I don't feel like doing the math, but the last time I saw him was May of last year. I'll probably be getting individual counseling with him this semester since I have limited openings in my schedule. However, I hope to return to group next semester.
Yeah... I think I should stay in counseling till I graduate. Things are just... Really unstable right now. So many things are going on. I've been off kilter since that 'Avoided Vehicle Sandwich' incident back in October. Most people may not think 'almost' dying is a big deal. To some it may seem like nothing happened. Everyone was fine. I wasn't hurt. However, I suppose such people would have to live a similar experience to really understand what it's like to avoid death. I am not exaggerating. I do tend to be a drama queen at times, but I don't exaggerate when it comes to these things. Anyway, my parents aren't really that supportive of me trying to balance academics with my art projects for Anime STL. My mom basically said: "You can't do it."
She didn't say: "I don't think you can do it."
She flat out said: "You can't do it."
How supportive. The thing that hurts the most is that my mother should know better than to say that to her child. We've had discussions about parental support of children before and she gave me her opinion, which is why I know what she should know better.
The added stress of trying to find housemates is there, too. *sigh* Plus I have to take care of my braces and watch what I eat. I'm still getting used to chewing. --;;
Needless to say... I'm a mess. I may not always seem like it, but I tend to hide it quite well. I kinda realized sommat today. I completely trust Brian (to a degree... I still have my censors marching around watching the info that comes out). I think Jacque's the only person I've divulged more info to about myself. However... Other people. I have levels of trust with them... kinda.
In the end.... I don't really trust people. I don't ask people for help because I'm scared of people. I'm scared to rely on people. When I needed help in high school... It was either unnoticed, dismissed, or I got lectured about not taking action. I didn't have the courage or confidence to go up to my friends and say: "I need to talk about my feelings." Who the fuck could blame me?! After what happened in 6th grade! I had my entire group of friends turn on me like a pack of hungry hyenas! How the fuck am I supposed to trust anyone after that? Yes, I made friends again. Yes, I created bonds with people again. Did I trust them enough to be completely open and honest about myself? No. I'm still like that. I will talk more now, but I still won't show when I'm breaking down. I still run and hide when I feel like my world has spun out of control. I still won't ask people for help!
Even going to the counseling center took a major break down. I seriously considered packing everything up, dropping out of Truman, and just going home back then. I wanted to give up. I was calling my parents crying almost every night! That's when I finally realized that I needed help. That's when I finally went to ask for help. It was hard, but I finally did it. I made the same decision this time. I knew I needed help. I needed to talk to someone, but it couldn't just be anyone. It had to be someone at the counseling center. Preferably Brian or Jane. Jane was my first counselor, but Brian was the group counselor and I met with him a few times on an individual basis when group hadn't started back up after a long break. Even so... There are still somethings that I won't tell them... Because I don't want to admit to having those demons... Someday... I'll be able to tell a professional about it, but not yet.
Still. I trusted a stranger more than people close to me. Why? 'Cause I knew the person was a professional and they would be unbiased. Plus... I knew that they couldn't turn on me. They're morally and professionally obligated to protect my privacy. I know they won't always be there, but I know they'll be here till I graduate.
I just don't trust people. They scare me. Letting them see me in a vulnerable state scares me. I don't trust people to catch me if I fall. I don't trust people to help me when I need them. I don't trust anyone to come save me. 'Cause no one ever did. I always had to pull myself up out of the hole. To force myself to get back on my feet and just keep going. The funny part is that the words of encouragement I did get from people were mostly from people I had met online. How funny indeed.
To sum up that last paragraph... I am the only one I can trust to save me.
I fantasize about meeting that one person who can see through my charades... My acts... That person who can tell when I'm lying. But I know they don't exist... Let's face it. I dream and fantasize a lot, but it never happens. I'm 21 years old. I've had loads of dreams and fantasies. Not one has actually come true. I've had my moments where it's so close, but then something usually goes wrong. That's just the way life is for me right now. I may be able to change it some day... But not right now. I need to live in reality for now.
Meh. I have another meeting with Brian on Friday because I won't be able to meet next week. Besides, today was just establishing why I came back and what times I can meet.
I have to remember to email my e-pal for Japanese and also harass the people at Patty's about my music today... --;; I also need to send my sis and pete their presents and finish making my grandmother's. I'm finding ways to simplify my projects for Anime STL so I can get more done in less time.
Well... I'm done. I need to go to bed. My stomach's acting up. bleh. It's probably from all the stress I've been under.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~