"Life is made of change. People move on and things end. Only memories." ~ a haiku by me
I love Sansui. I gotta eat some of their sushi sometime. Anyway. Tasty food and I tried a new mixed drink. It's called Shogun (though there are a variety of mixes for it). This one contains rum, melon liqueur, and sweetened lemon. It's yummy. =D
Well, I certainly had an interesting experience yesterday while driving home. The story isn't that long, but the effect it had on me was massive.
Well, I was about maybe 10 or 15 miles away from Hannibal. There was a semi behind me that couldn't decide on its speed. He either lagged behind or he got way too freakin' close to me. So I was driving along and I see another semi approaching from the opposite direction. At this time Hwy 36 is only two lanes. So each direction only gets one lane and passing is dangerous and one must be strategic and alert when doing so. Someone apparently decided to ignore all the passing rules. As the semi approached in the other lane, an SUV appeared out of no where, crossing into my lane to pass the truck. The problem was that there was no room. So I had a freakin' big ass SUV coming right at me. At first it seemed that the possibility of death was imminent 'cause my car couldn't take on an SUV AND the Semi that was practically tailgating me. If I hadn't slowed down the SUV would've crashed right into me. The moron did start to veer off to the shoulder. However, it still would've hit the right side of my car if I hadn't put on my brakes (I did not stop completely because then the Semi behind me would've creamed me). Pretty much the SUV passed by me on the other side. There was probably an inch or two between my mirror and the side of the SUV. Let's see the fronts of our cars were about one and a half feet apart by the time the SUV finally got all the way off the road and that's ONLY because I slowed down. They're going who knows what and I'm going 60 mph. They're going faster than me 'cause they're passing. There would've definitely been a collision of some sort if I hadn't reduced my speed. Even if the SUV had just swiped the right side of my car, that force would've been more than enough to cause an accident between me and at least one of the Semi trucks. The SUV missed me, but it did run off into a shallow ditch. I kept going. I was freaked and the SUV looked fine. The Semi behind me backed off.
So yeah. The basic summary of all this is... An idiot in an SUV almost creamed me yesterday. My car would not have survived a head on collision with an SUV or getting knocked into a Semi. I would probably be dead if a collision happened. SUV in front and Semi behind. Hmm... Vehicle Sandwich. All possible scenarios aside from the one that I managed to get yesterday would've ended in badness.
And I am NOT exaggerating. I'm still freaked out about it.
When I stopped in Hannibal I was like: "Oh god I feel like I need a drink... Maybe later." Then I went on. However, I had an emotional freak out in the car. Thinking about my life and talking aloud. Crying, laughing, saying crazy shit. *Shrug* The whole life flashing before your eyes never happened. My only thought as I saw the SUV coming at me was: "OH FUCK!" Then when I avoided a vehicle sandwich it was completely blank and silent. I just kept driving. Eventually the chattering started again, but the dominant phrase was: "Oh my god." I did start thanking god for looking after me. I am not slightly more religious than I used to be. Someone up there was watchin' over me. >>;; And I am very thankful.
This week has been full of weird shit. I've been emotionally unstable, but good and bad things have happened. It's like my fortunes are playing catch. When the good one is holding the ball then good things happen, bad one has bad things. When the ball is in transit then things are sorta neutral. It was weird. This ran through my mind while I was in the car... and for some reason I imagined them as my good and bad karma and they were keeping the ball away from Jesus. o.O;;; it was a weird mental image. However, I think I was allowed to have weird mental images considering my narrow escape from disaster.
Yes... I've had so much freakin' fun this week. *twitches*
Anyway... Yeah... Shit happens... I managed to avoid a potential vehicle sandwich... I'm freaked... I have thought a lot about my life. Especially my love life. Why things had such an affect on me. etc. Psychoanalyzing myself.
I especially thought about my relationship with Andrew 'cause I was thinking of my love life. I trusted him. Soon he became the one person that I thought would never hurt me. 'Cause every time I ran into him. there was a smile and a 'hello'. He trusted me with something that he'd never tell his friends, so I trusted him. When Lacey asked him out for me and he said no, he also added that we were still friends, which is probably while I was slightly disappointed, but still really happy. I didn't dwell on it. However, at that point he knew exactly how I felt. So, when he left like that. Well, it set off a chain reaction. He had hurt me by not saying a word and just disappearing. The fact that he had hurt me made me question everything and things just spiraled out of control. Which is why I just couldn't deal with him when we saw each other at Mystic Valley and also why I 'looked like I had seen a ghost' (as Danielle and Jacque put it) when I thought I saw him at Anime STL. I don't want to deal with it. I still don't. I think the only reason I wanted to know if it was really him was because I wanted to avoid him. >>;; It was a weird feeling. A feeling of terror and a feeling of excitement. >>;; I'm not even sure why I was kinda terrified. Probably because no matter how much I have thought of it... In the end I have NO freakin' idea how I would react to encountering him again much less speaking with him.
I also contemplated what I almost did when I was in sixth grade... I still remember the cup... One of the big white and blue QwikTrip cups with the red logo on it. I selected every single household cleanser and whatever else had the skull symbol on it. I went to the bathroom that my sibs and I used. I mixed everything together. It was a dark color... I remember staring at it... Then staring at myself in the mirror... I just stood there for a bit. Then I lifted the cup and put it to my lips... That's when I had what I now call: "An Obi-Wan experience" Seriously. I thought I heard a bunch of voices scream in my head as images flashed through. I dropped the cup in the sink. Then I just stood there, watching the liquid run into the drain. Then I cleaned up and returned to my room... And cried. I remember my other thought was: "What the hell was I about to do?! What the hell was I thinking?!" I was mad at myself. I'm still mad at myself for almost doing that. Especially now since I've found out how traumatizing my birth was for my mom! She almost lost me. How could I have even contemplated such an act?! Well. That's what depression does to you. It fucks up your head.
Yeah. I've been thinking a lot. >>
I've also gotten addicted to a new math logic puzzle game called Kenken. It's interesting.
Well, I'm done. Nothing else to report.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~
Well, I certainly had an interesting experience yesterday while driving home. The story isn't that long, but the effect it had on me was massive.
Well, I was about maybe 10 or 15 miles away from Hannibal. There was a semi behind me that couldn't decide on its speed. He either lagged behind or he got way too freakin' close to me. So I was driving along and I see another semi approaching from the opposite direction. At this time Hwy 36 is only two lanes. So each direction only gets one lane and passing is dangerous and one must be strategic and alert when doing so. Someone apparently decided to ignore all the passing rules. As the semi approached in the other lane, an SUV appeared out of no where, crossing into my lane to pass the truck. The problem was that there was no room. So I had a freakin' big ass SUV coming right at me. At first it seemed that the possibility of death was imminent 'cause my car couldn't take on an SUV AND the Semi that was practically tailgating me. If I hadn't slowed down the SUV would've crashed right into me. The moron did start to veer off to the shoulder. However, it still would've hit the right side of my car if I hadn't put on my brakes (I did not stop completely because then the Semi behind me would've creamed me). Pretty much the SUV passed by me on the other side. There was probably an inch or two between my mirror and the side of the SUV. Let's see the fronts of our cars were about one and a half feet apart by the time the SUV finally got all the way off the road and that's ONLY because I slowed down. They're going who knows what and I'm going 60 mph. They're going faster than me 'cause they're passing. There would've definitely been a collision of some sort if I hadn't reduced my speed. Even if the SUV had just swiped the right side of my car, that force would've been more than enough to cause an accident between me and at least one of the Semi trucks. The SUV missed me, but it did run off into a shallow ditch. I kept going. I was freaked and the SUV looked fine. The Semi behind me backed off.
So yeah. The basic summary of all this is... An idiot in an SUV almost creamed me yesterday. My car would not have survived a head on collision with an SUV or getting knocked into a Semi. I would probably be dead if a collision happened. SUV in front and Semi behind. Hmm... Vehicle Sandwich. All possible scenarios aside from the one that I managed to get yesterday would've ended in badness.
And I am NOT exaggerating. I'm still freaked out about it.
When I stopped in Hannibal I was like: "Oh god I feel like I need a drink... Maybe later." Then I went on. However, I had an emotional freak out in the car. Thinking about my life and talking aloud. Crying, laughing, saying crazy shit. *Shrug* The whole life flashing before your eyes never happened. My only thought as I saw the SUV coming at me was: "OH FUCK!" Then when I avoided a vehicle sandwich it was completely blank and silent. I just kept driving. Eventually the chattering started again, but the dominant phrase was: "Oh my god." I did start thanking god for looking after me. I am not slightly more religious than I used to be. Someone up there was watchin' over me. >>;; And I am very thankful.
This week has been full of weird shit. I've been emotionally unstable, but good and bad things have happened. It's like my fortunes are playing catch. When the good one is holding the ball then good things happen, bad one has bad things. When the ball is in transit then things are sorta neutral. It was weird. This ran through my mind while I was in the car... and for some reason I imagined them as my good and bad karma and they were keeping the ball away from Jesus. o.O;;; it was a weird mental image. However, I think I was allowed to have weird mental images considering my narrow escape from disaster.
Yes... I've had so much freakin' fun this week. *twitches*
Anyway... Yeah... Shit happens... I managed to avoid a potential vehicle sandwich... I'm freaked... I have thought a lot about my life. Especially my love life. Why things had such an affect on me. etc. Psychoanalyzing myself.
I especially thought about my relationship with Andrew 'cause I was thinking of my love life. I trusted him. Soon he became the one person that I thought would never hurt me. 'Cause every time I ran into him. there was a smile and a 'hello'. He trusted me with something that he'd never tell his friends, so I trusted him. When Lacey asked him out for me and he said no, he also added that we were still friends, which is probably while I was slightly disappointed, but still really happy. I didn't dwell on it. However, at that point he knew exactly how I felt. So, when he left like that. Well, it set off a chain reaction. He had hurt me by not saying a word and just disappearing. The fact that he had hurt me made me question everything and things just spiraled out of control. Which is why I just couldn't deal with him when we saw each other at Mystic Valley and also why I 'looked like I had seen a ghost' (as Danielle and Jacque put it) when I thought I saw him at Anime STL. I don't want to deal with it. I still don't. I think the only reason I wanted to know if it was really him was because I wanted to avoid him. >>;; It was a weird feeling. A feeling of terror and a feeling of excitement. >>;; I'm not even sure why I was kinda terrified. Probably because no matter how much I have thought of it... In the end I have NO freakin' idea how I would react to encountering him again much less speaking with him.
I also contemplated what I almost did when I was in sixth grade... I still remember the cup... One of the big white and blue QwikTrip cups with the red logo on it. I selected every single household cleanser and whatever else had the skull symbol on it. I went to the bathroom that my sibs and I used. I mixed everything together. It was a dark color... I remember staring at it... Then staring at myself in the mirror... I just stood there for a bit. Then I lifted the cup and put it to my lips... That's when I had what I now call: "An Obi-Wan experience" Seriously. I thought I heard a bunch of voices scream in my head as images flashed through. I dropped the cup in the sink. Then I just stood there, watching the liquid run into the drain. Then I cleaned up and returned to my room... And cried. I remember my other thought was: "What the hell was I about to do?! What the hell was I thinking?!" I was mad at myself. I'm still mad at myself for almost doing that. Especially now since I've found out how traumatizing my birth was for my mom! She almost lost me. How could I have even contemplated such an act?! Well. That's what depression does to you. It fucks up your head.
Yeah. I've been thinking a lot. >>
I've also gotten addicted to a new math logic puzzle game called Kenken. It's interesting.
Well, I'm done. Nothing else to report.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~