"It's really confusing to be happy, yet in mourning at the same time..."
Well, I've finished going through all the old RKT chats and stuff... Though I'll have to go through them again eventually because my computer deleted all the summaries from the get info section ><
I finally got up the courage to wander into the RKT IRC chat. Unknown was the only one there. So I chatted with him about people. Still am chatting with him right now.
*sighs* One one person still shows up apparently. Serenity. Blade is happily married and Hoshi has a boyfriend. Shuu is in college. Shi and Mel just sorta disappeared. *Sighs* It... It kinda makes me sad.... I mean. I'm so happy that Blade is doing so well and she's happy, but i'm sorta... mourning the loss of the connections I once had.... I think in a way I inadvertently fell in love with Blade's character XD. It's just so different when you're co-authoring a story with a romantic relationship between each others' characters. I can live vicariously. Now I can't. I was very attached to Blade. The best RPs I ever did were with her. Also some of the best conversations I ever had were with her.
So... I am both insanely happy for her.... yet I am in mourning at the same time. Mourning for those moments in time that will never return. Hoshi, Shi, Mel, Shuu (even though she was annoying at times), and Blade... Sporky too! I had more connection with them than I ever had with anyone I've ever met online. Even Des and Asura! Especially with Blade. If I ever had to choose a partner to co-author a book with it would be her. We worked well together.
Who knows... Maybe I indirectly fell in love with her. *Shrug* She was a really good friend and she's left the internet... Not for good, but she doesn't care much about it... *sigh* I feel like I've lost a friend...
I did email her though... Just to say hi and congratulate her on the marriage. I guess I just felt like I needed to reestablish contact somehow... It's the whole 'being forgotten' insecurity...
I kind of wonder if they would've kept me sane during the time of my breakdown. It's kind of ironic (or sommat) that I stopped RPing and a few months later I had a breakdown. I had no where to really vent. SMPaleo sure as hell didn't help.
Oh god... I wonder if I should've stayed in group... My emotions have just been every where these past few days. I've actually lost interest in some of my classes and have been slacking off. I just feel so messed up... Which is why my rooms in STL and Kirksville are complete messes. My life is in chaos thus I don't feel like bringing order to my room. My sleep schedule is fucked partially from my ADHD, partially from me not caring, and partially from the melatonin crap. I just don't know anymore. I kinda know what's missing... I'm so desperate for it, but I'm scared to even consider it. I'm scare of next year too... More people will be gone. I hate this. I hate getting attached to people and having the possibility of never talking to them again... That's why I have so much trouble making close bonds with people here at college... I'm so insecure that I'm afraid of losing contact... even if I try to maintain contact it eventually dies... It always has... and that hurts me... I know it shouldn't, but it does. I care so much about people I get attached to. The familiarity is so comfortable.
I don't want to write depressing crap on here, but I just have to let it out. I... I feel like a part of me has died. It makes me never want to RP again... I probably won't... They were special to me... I don't want to adjust to different people. So I shall stick to my own writings. Unless Jacque and I ever go through with our comic collaboration XD. In all my years of creating friendships... Jacque is the first person I've completely opened up to...She knows more than people who have known me since elementary school. She even knows one of my darker secrets.
I'm talking to people... making friends, yet at the same time I'm afraid of making connections. I just... I just feel like I'm getting left behind. I know I've moved on too, but... I feel like I haven't moved on as much as they have... I know I shouldn't compare myself... Actually it's probably the idea that they moved on and I just never knew. They were right there. Right there on AIM. all I had to do was IM them and chat. Now it's too late for some of them... I just hope they're really happy. Once I start caring about someone I just want them to be happy... Even if I end up getting hurt --;; I've gotten more assertive, but still... I will step back if I feel like I'm interfering. *sigh* now that I think about the RKT peeps I think of SMPaleo, ODHS, and Bnet.
Oh Bnet, how you have provided me with both good and bad memories. Most of which I can't access anymore... --;; My memory ish not very good... To a degree...
I always get sad when I think about people who are special to me that I've lost contact with... Especially if I loved them. Whether the love was romantic or not. I just feel like a part of me is gone now. Memories I can hold dear, yet something I've lost forever. It's something I'll never get back, yet it's something I shall treasure for the rest of my life.
I don't know if I'll ever work on my Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic ever again... After all I've done with Shinzui in RKT... I don't think I want to work with her again... It's like something I'm afraid to touch.
it's kind of funny that I'm having such a lovely chat with Unknown and yet I'm crying... I hate missing people! I'm so sensitive to it. I'm not a big fan of change! I know in the end it was probably a good thing I stopped. It made me talk with people in the real world. I made friends. I learned to open up a bit to people who I could talk to face to face. I learned not to hide so much... I still mask my real emotions a lot... but I've gotten better. But still. It fuckin' hurts.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't fuckin' care so much, but I can't help it. I have insecurities. I have issues. It's frustrating as hell. This is why I have modes of escape. Video games, anime, manga, etc. I'm so uncomfortable with things... All I want to do is my own stuff. Unfortunately I need an education of some sort. --;; Otherwise I'd be at home with a crap job, my own apartment, and just doin' my own thing... to a degree. I just want to make art... learn and make art... and write... *sigh* I dunno... I enjoy it here too...
*sighs* man I am so fucked up right now. I just don't know what to think. I feel like so many people are moving faster than me. Like I'm standing still while the world speeds by.
A shadow. Watching. Waiting for her moment to step up and exist... I know people see me. I know I'm here... I just sometimes don't feel like I am. It's unnerving.
I know what I want... and if the opportunity existed I'd fuckin' take it, but I know it doesn't exist. Not right now at least.
I feel like I'm going nuts again... *takes a deep breath* Iz just stress. It'll pass eventually. --;; I think. I haven't been able to really create in a while, so it's driving me crazy. I feel frustrated and pent up... >>;;; Reading those old RPs made me think of bad things XD.
Hmm.. I have some humor left. I'm starting to feel a bit better. *sighs* I want to be with people, yet I want to hide from the world. I want to love, yet I fear it at the same time. It's an "I do, yet I don't" phenomenon that has become part of me.
Wow... I just talked to myself in the mirror. I berated myself... "Did you really think they were still all going to be there playing their little games?" "Yes... Well... I hoped they'd still be there... I didn't really think.." "No you didn't think." ... I'm so mean to myself... Kinda my own doing. I've separated out parts of myself and my emotions into personas in order to keep myself sane, yet I wonder if that's made me less sane 'cause I'll talk to myself in that way. not always mean mind you, but I do it XD.
yeah. I'm a freak... But i rather enjoy it.
*sigh* don't think there's much else I can write about now. Just that I want something really bad, but it hasn't crossed into my path.
It will eventually. *Shrug*
*sigh* man... It's sorta painful to write 'Shin' now... Meh... I gotta get over it. I do love the character and I really want to tell her story. Some day I'll get back to it. Though I plan to find one original story and focus on it in my writer's dream kit thing. I miss writing...
Oh yeah. I finally saw Die Hard. Love it to pieces. I'm gonna watch it again now... I don't feel like sleeping that much...
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~