"Overanalysis of things that are probably simple is one of my specialties. Great for parties."
I don't know what to post about first. I'll start with the simplest... I feel really sick. I'm praying that I haven't caught something, but ever since I got home from pottery I've been feeling like absolute shit. I seriously wonder if I might have a rare viewing of my stomach contents at some point tonight... er this morning. *shrug* I might just be dehydrated, but bleh.
But on to better and less stomach turning contents.... >< GAH! That pun was so not deliberate.
Anyway, Pottery. It was awesome! Plus I am mingling with a kid from Truman. His name is Andrew and he lived in my dorm last year. I saw him so many times, but we never stopped to chat. He was the violinist with the bum leg at the chorus concert. Cute, but taken. *shrug* Oh well. Good fortune and happiness to him and his girl. However, I'm less afraid to socialize with him because I know I'll see him at Truman. Therefore my paranoia is not screaming the awkward: "What's the point of making friends when you won't see them after this summer?!" *shrug* Anyway, the instructer is great and a bit wacky, but he at least knows what he's doing and he's nice. I managed to make two bowls and something that's kind of a bowl, but kind of a plate... It looks like those saucer like things you put plant pots in to catch water. Still, better than nothin'. I still love pottery. Though I did almost get smacked in the face by a flying... dammit. I can't remember what you call it. The plate they put on the wheel. Whatever it is. One of those almost hit me in the face. Instead it destroyed a bowl I was working on... It was a good looking bowl, too... Oh well. Better a ruined bowl than something painful. Poor woman was having a hard enough time dominating the clay. Centering is not easy if you're afraid to be firm with the clay. ^^;; I have trouble recentering the damn thing if I've started to pull it. I can't make a cylinder to save my life. I want to make bowls though. I have no need for cups... Ooo... I could make my own tea cups... ^^;; I'll make stuff for people, too.
Perhaps it was the heat in the room that got me. They do have a kiln the back of the studio now.
Yeah. I feel sick. Pottery was fun. Rehersals are going great. I need to get out of the freakin' house more. --;;
You might've noticed that I put "'Niisan's Room" as my location. Well, I've set up shop in his room. I've made a list of all my DVDs and now I'm working on my manga. I have so much of it. Two series I am definitely not taking to Kirksville are Rurouni Kenshin and Full Metal Alchemist. I'll keep collecting FMA, but I see no reason to bring all of 'em up. Kenshin is finished and I don't read it that often. Plus some of the volumes are probably in the storage boxes that I don't want to dig through... same with FMA. --;; My manga is the only thing that's problematic. I've already solved my DVD storage problem. I'm going to just put all the discs in a giant CD case. Well, I might split it into movies and tv shows, but it'll be easier than hauling the plastic boxes back and forth. I only need those plastic cases for storage anyway... or if I resell something, which I highly doubt I would do.
... My brother has my old bookcase! --;;; Why the hell does he have it when I could use it in my own room?! Oh well, it's been incorporated into his shelving system. Can't mess with it now. *shrug*
As usual I do have a minor slump going on. I will admit that I am slightly depressed. I am not entirely sure why, but I know I am. I have ideas as to why, but some of them I'm not willing to admit to. --;; I'm still in denial over a few things. I miss school. I miss people. Yet, when I'm there I miss home. I miss my community here! >< Augh! This is why I hate going away to college. I don't like such living arrangements. Going back and forth. I like to have a base of operations that I work out of.. Not two! >< Next year will be different. I'll be able to be more social and hopefully learn to be more outgoing or something. It will be different. I hope. I just have to get over my damn insecurities.
*waves a stick* OFF WITH YOU INSECURITIES!!!!! Be gone! ... *sighs* Like that would ever work. I have too many experiences and memories for those damn things to feed off of. They'll keep coming back... Like pigeons! .... AUGH! Damn the pigeons! ... --;;
Needless to say it's hard to trust people when so many relationships (romantic or otherwise) have fallen apart so quickly. Whatever long time friends I do have already have other people. I don't need someone to myself, but in so many cases I've felt shunted to the side because people have stronger bonds with others. So many times I was the odd one out. The last to know anything... Which is why I stopped trying... I stopped trying to call people up and start events. They've rarely worked out. Usually when I realize: "Shit... We need to fix things!" It's too late. It's all gone wrong and everything's broken beyond repair.
Time heals nothing. It merely creates scar tissue. As Rose Kennedy once said: "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." (Yeah, I heard that on Criminal Minds today). But for me.. It's true. With time I only learned to accept things and ignore them... maybe try to fix things every now and then, but I'm definitely not healed. No one can heal themselves alone. A person needs someone to help them tie the bandages. Metaphorically speaking, I've been dressing my own wounds and taking care of them for a very long time. I've had some help lessening the pain, but nothing more. I've only learned to accept over time and supportive words have been the medicine that helps dull my pain. However, I don't think I've ever had a helping hand to take care of my wounds. Counselors help, but they can only do so much. I guess as much as I don't want to admit it... I need people. I need people who care about me and who I care about in return... And yet. Through out my life, I've been able to slink back into the shadows without being stopped. I continue to do that. I need people, yet I withdraw in fear of getting hurt and hurting others. No one has really stopped me from withdrawing. I am used to that.
.... What I know is very different from how I feel. My knowledge cannot be backed up without experience or proof. Thus my feelings remain so... They mess with what I think and believe. It creates conflicts within me. Not much has appeared to support what I know, which strengthens my paranoia and other demons. It ends up as a battle that I fight alone. I may know that I am not alone because I know that there are people who care about me... Yet that does not always reach my feelings.
Hell, right now I'm conflicted. I'm keeping comments on, but part of me doesn't want to trust them. Even if they are from friends whom I hold very dear. Words on a screen are difficult to trust.
It's weird that I still use computers and the internet because through the internet... I had some of my worst hurts. I've been lied to, abused, and hurt so many times through the screen. Yet, none of it really came out in the real world, which is probably why I trust face-to-face conversations more than anything... There is a limit to that trust though.
How can this one trust people when no one has been there for this one during a time of need? (Family excluded because that's in a completely different category... For me at least). I write and write... I only get words. Words on a screen. Indirect and not that personal considering the fact that my LJ is public. It's not that I don't appreciate the words... They help dull pain. Sometimes those words can brighten my day, but... it just doesn't stick as much as a direct, face-to-face conversation would.
Damn my issues and damn my insecurities. ><
But... How can one not feel like this? I put my heart into helping people back then... I really cared... I really wanted and tried to help. I was there for people when they needed me.... But did I get that in return? ..... I really wish I could say yes.... But I didn't. There was too much going on. I doubt anyone really took my LJ breakdowns seriously. If they did I would've gotten a call. Right? No. Or maybe a freakin' IM? Not so much. Then again. There was a point where I wasn't any better. I got all wrapped up in conflict and I was a lousy friend... I guess I just feel as though I gave so much... and got nothing...
Maybe... Maybe I'm just not allowed to have what I want. Material objects are nothing compared to what I truly want... But I have yet to receive. Maybe it's coming.... Maybe it's not.
I don't trust my luck.
Everything feels haywire right now... I need to go to bed.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~
But on to better and less stomach turning contents.... >< GAH! That pun was so not deliberate.
Anyway, Pottery. It was awesome! Plus I am mingling with a kid from Truman. His name is Andrew and he lived in my dorm last year. I saw him so many times, but we never stopped to chat. He was the violinist with the bum leg at the chorus concert. Cute, but taken. *shrug* Oh well. Good fortune and happiness to him and his girl. However, I'm less afraid to socialize with him because I know I'll see him at Truman. Therefore my paranoia is not screaming the awkward: "What's the point of making friends when you won't see them after this summer?!" *shrug* Anyway, the instructer is great and a bit wacky, but he at least knows what he's doing and he's nice. I managed to make two bowls and something that's kind of a bowl, but kind of a plate... It looks like those saucer like things you put plant pots in to catch water. Still, better than nothin'. I still love pottery. Though I did almost get smacked in the face by a flying... dammit. I can't remember what you call it. The plate they put on the wheel. Whatever it is. One of those almost hit me in the face. Instead it destroyed a bowl I was working on... It was a good looking bowl, too... Oh well. Better a ruined bowl than something painful. Poor woman was having a hard enough time dominating the clay. Centering is not easy if you're afraid to be firm with the clay. ^^;; I have trouble recentering the damn thing if I've started to pull it. I can't make a cylinder to save my life. I want to make bowls though. I have no need for cups... Ooo... I could make my own tea cups... ^^;; I'll make stuff for people, too.
Perhaps it was the heat in the room that got me. They do have a kiln the back of the studio now.
Yeah. I feel sick. Pottery was fun. Rehersals are going great. I need to get out of the freakin' house more. --;;
You might've noticed that I put "'Niisan's Room" as my location. Well, I've set up shop in his room. I've made a list of all my DVDs and now I'm working on my manga. I have so much of it. Two series I am definitely not taking to Kirksville are Rurouni Kenshin and Full Metal Alchemist. I'll keep collecting FMA, but I see no reason to bring all of 'em up. Kenshin is finished and I don't read it that often. Plus some of the volumes are probably in the storage boxes that I don't want to dig through... same with FMA. --;; My manga is the only thing that's problematic. I've already solved my DVD storage problem. I'm going to just put all the discs in a giant CD case. Well, I might split it into movies and tv shows, but it'll be easier than hauling the plastic boxes back and forth. I only need those plastic cases for storage anyway... or if I resell something, which I highly doubt I would do.
... My brother has my old bookcase! --;;; Why the hell does he have it when I could use it in my own room?! Oh well, it's been incorporated into his shelving system. Can't mess with it now. *shrug*
As usual I do have a minor slump going on. I will admit that I am slightly depressed. I am not entirely sure why, but I know I am. I have ideas as to why, but some of them I'm not willing to admit to. --;; I'm still in denial over a few things. I miss school. I miss people. Yet, when I'm there I miss home. I miss my community here! >< Augh! This is why I hate going away to college. I don't like such living arrangements. Going back and forth. I like to have a base of operations that I work out of.. Not two! >< Next year will be different. I'll be able to be more social and hopefully learn to be more outgoing or something. It will be different. I hope. I just have to get over my damn insecurities.
*waves a stick* OFF WITH YOU INSECURITIES!!!!! Be gone! ... *sighs* Like that would ever work. I have too many experiences and memories for those damn things to feed off of. They'll keep coming back... Like pigeons! .... AUGH! Damn the pigeons! ... --;;
Needless to say it's hard to trust people when so many relationships (romantic or otherwise) have fallen apart so quickly. Whatever long time friends I do have already have other people. I don't need someone to myself, but in so many cases I've felt shunted to the side because people have stronger bonds with others. So many times I was the odd one out. The last to know anything... Which is why I stopped trying... I stopped trying to call people up and start events. They've rarely worked out. Usually when I realize: "Shit... We need to fix things!" It's too late. It's all gone wrong and everything's broken beyond repair.
Time heals nothing. It merely creates scar tissue. As Rose Kennedy once said: "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." (Yeah, I heard that on Criminal Minds today). But for me.. It's true. With time I only learned to accept things and ignore them... maybe try to fix things every now and then, but I'm definitely not healed. No one can heal themselves alone. A person needs someone to help them tie the bandages. Metaphorically speaking, I've been dressing my own wounds and taking care of them for a very long time. I've had some help lessening the pain, but nothing more. I've only learned to accept over time and supportive words have been the medicine that helps dull my pain. However, I don't think I've ever had a helping hand to take care of my wounds. Counselors help, but they can only do so much. I guess as much as I don't want to admit it... I need people. I need people who care about me and who I care about in return... And yet. Through out my life, I've been able to slink back into the shadows without being stopped. I continue to do that. I need people, yet I withdraw in fear of getting hurt and hurting others. No one has really stopped me from withdrawing. I am used to that.
.... What I know is very different from how I feel. My knowledge cannot be backed up without experience or proof. Thus my feelings remain so... They mess with what I think and believe. It creates conflicts within me. Not much has appeared to support what I know, which strengthens my paranoia and other demons. It ends up as a battle that I fight alone. I may know that I am not alone because I know that there are people who care about me... Yet that does not always reach my feelings.
Hell, right now I'm conflicted. I'm keeping comments on, but part of me doesn't want to trust them. Even if they are from friends whom I hold very dear. Words on a screen are difficult to trust.
It's weird that I still use computers and the internet because through the internet... I had some of my worst hurts. I've been lied to, abused, and hurt so many times through the screen. Yet, none of it really came out in the real world, which is probably why I trust face-to-face conversations more than anything... There is a limit to that trust though.
How can this one trust people when no one has been there for this one during a time of need? (Family excluded because that's in a completely different category... For me at least). I write and write... I only get words. Words on a screen. Indirect and not that personal considering the fact that my LJ is public. It's not that I don't appreciate the words... They help dull pain. Sometimes those words can brighten my day, but... it just doesn't stick as much as a direct, face-to-face conversation would.
Damn my issues and damn my insecurities. ><
But... How can one not feel like this? I put my heart into helping people back then... I really cared... I really wanted and tried to help. I was there for people when they needed me.... But did I get that in return? ..... I really wish I could say yes.... But I didn't. There was too much going on. I doubt anyone really took my LJ breakdowns seriously. If they did I would've gotten a call. Right? No. Or maybe a freakin' IM? Not so much. Then again. There was a point where I wasn't any better. I got all wrapped up in conflict and I was a lousy friend... I guess I just feel as though I gave so much... and got nothing...
Maybe... Maybe I'm just not allowed to have what I want. Material objects are nothing compared to what I truly want... But I have yet to receive. Maybe it's coming.... Maybe it's not.
I don't trust my luck.
Everything feels haywire right now... I need to go to bed.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty / Shin~