"What to do when bored and depressed. Analyze yourself. Then things either get better or worse."
As I drove about yesterday. I started to realize. "Hmmm... I'm either bumming around at home, going places by myself, or hanging out with my parents.... That's sad." With Lacey at camp.... I pretty much have no one I feel comfortable calling up. Actually, I probably don't feel comfortable calling anyone up. --;;; My mom got on my case about not going out with people... Well, it's kind of hard to do that when the people you hung out with during the school year... Aren't in St. Louis. The people that I do know around here already have plenty of other friends. Also, many of them I rarely see, so I just don't feel comfortable calling them up. Unfortunately, I won't have the steady exposure to people my age like I did last year when I took a class.
My mom declared to me that she wanted me to go out with someone at least once a week this summer. >> << uuuhh... Who am I supposed to go out with? Lacey's at camp and... Well, like I said. All the people I'd be comfortable calling up aren't even in STL.
It's hard to make friends when one is faintly antisocial and rather introverted. It also makes it harder to trust people. Even if I hit it off with someone and we exchange contact info, I don't have the confidence to make the first contact because I always feel like I'd be bothering them. Then again, that's just about how I am with everyone. *shrug* My paranoia is louder than my confidence. --;;; I can easily slap paranoia around, but she always comes back. bleh.
The interaction of humans is really fascinating. The ability to make those interactions stick is even more interesting.
I don't have much of that ability. I haven't exactly had much feedback to boost my confidence either. It's a simple explanation, too. I don't trust people. Just about every time I do... something goes wrong. Either I screw it up, they screw it up, or we both screw up... And it doesn't get fixed. It doesn't help that it's happened to friendships and in cases where I'm in love. How can I trust people when I keep getting hurt? When my cries for help go unanswered. When I fall apart and hope and pray that someone would call me, email me, or come by my house or my room... Just to see if I'm okay. Something personal and direct.... And I don't get that. I always end up spending that day alone... Left wondering if anyone even read my entry. I admit there are a couple people that I did expect to actually do something... To take action. One was really far-fetched, but the other... not so much.
How can I trust people when I keep getting let down? I'm so afraid to seek out help from those who I am close to. It's easier with a counselor, but even then I don't let everything out. I'm too scared to reveal what's hidden only to be hurt again. How can one grow and develop properly, social-wise, when so many bad things happen? When one takes so much abuse from those this one trusted. To love someone and trust them with that information.... Only to have them leave without an explanation... And then never get one when you see them for probably the last time in your life. I trusted him more than anyone else I knew... Then to have an old relationship (That was important to this one) waved in the face of a friend as a immature tool of jealousy... and to lose all contact with said male when we both had promised to stay friends. Now I'm too scared to talk to him.... And I can't help but wonder about the reality of our relationship. It was all words... One phone call, but other than that... All words on a screen. Left to feel like a shadow that never really existed. To have abusive friends starting in 4th grade and then the abuse reached the peak in 6th grade... To be alone and suicidal at such a young age with only yourself to pull you out of the hole. To have a friend you trusted so deeply and to care for so much that you consider them practically your sister... To have them become verbally and mentally abusive because of some god damned adolescent jealous mistakes this one made... To be pushed away while desperately trying to fix it... ( I didn't do a very good job though). I know there's no use dwelling on the past, but when it hurts so bad... The scars are hard to ignore. To have no one catch you when you fall... It hurts. It makes one feel very alone even though the brain knows very well thhat this one is not alone.
How do you trust people again when you're so afraid of being hurt? To hide all the pain and fright behind smiles, lame jokes, and tough talk. Hoping that among the people you're with... There's someone who can see through it. Who can see the part of you that you're in denial about. Someone who isn't fooled by your mask. I'm the only one who can overcome my demons, but it will take an outside force to get me to confront some of them... Support is also a major plus. Some of my demons leave my vulnerable to others... I've had no one to help me when I've finished an exhausting battle. No one to watch me to make sure I'm okay and stay okay. I just bear it in silence. I speak out here, but these are just words from my head. I never speak up in person because I'm scared and I don't trust people. I will never take the initiative. Too scared. So I run and I'm able to because no one stops me. I don't want to burden people. I don't want to feel selfish. I already feel like self-centered, spoiled child whenever I write entries like this.
I know the words: "It'll be okay" aren't exactly true, but they'd be nice to hear... Just for a little reassurance. Something for my confidence to grab a hold of.
I'm broken. I've been broken for a long time... And I'm the only one who has tried to fix me. I have my parents for support, but there's only so far they can reach.
"Time heals everything." Bullshit. Pure bullshit. Time is merely a minor factor in the healing process. It's the healing that takes time. Time has no other affect. Support is a bigger factor.
I have support... but not... not in the way I need. I have so much doubt. So much fear. So much distrust. I've met so many wonderful people, yet I still feel this way. I've had next to nothing to help improve things... Things just seem to go so wrong... I make friends with those I can't even see during the summer... I crush on guys who are either leaving, taken, not interested, gay, or pursuing someone else. I screw up simple things. I just keep doing things wrong.
My inner-optimist has just piped up to say: "If you believe that you've done so much wrong then something must go extremely right at some point. Look at the statistics!"
My inner-cynic says: "Statistics can lie. People lie."
My paranoia sides with the cynic while my confidence is off on vacation somewhere. Then all my inner-whatevers start fighting until it crescendos so loud that my inner-misanthrope finally shouts at everyone: "Shut up! I hate you all!" My inner-misanthrope must be intimidating because then everyone is quiet.
That's just a glimpse of what goes on inside my broken and defective mind.
Let's face it. My track record isn't exactly very good. neither is my luck. I'm not even worried about how I look... It's... It's all about if I can trust people. It's all about my phobia of being left behind. Being hurt by someone I trust. Being abandoned.
I do not fear death because I have come to terms with it. I just don't want to die before my questions are answered.
Oddly enough for a female... I don't fear sexual assault or rape. The way I see it I'll fight for my body because it's mine. My body. My vagina. If you want a piece of it; you gotta commit. If you don't want to commit then I'm beating your ass into the ground with a lead pipe. I see such threats as a challenge of my strength and abilities. Scary, no? Plus my inner-psychopath and inner-violent maniac would see it as a marvelous opportunity to unleash the beast.
Nope. The thing I fear above all is abandonment. Being forgotten and/or betrayed by someone I trust and care about. It's something that leaves me alive and alone. There is no pain with death and if you're raped or sexually assaulted you attract the attention of every counselor, psychiatrist, and therapist in town. --;;
I can't trust good things... For me they tend to almost always come to an end.
Inner-Optimist: "You said ALMOST always! So sometimes good things stay!"
Inner-Cynic: "Almost means that barely anything good stays. More than likely anything good will turn out bad. Look at your track record. You've probably used the 'almost' already."
Once again the crescendo and the intimidation by the Inner-Misanthrope.
I mean. Let's face it. I may hate my appearance, but I've learned to be happy with it (mostly). However, I still hate myself quite a bit. Deep down a lot of me is made up of being a bitch. I have a lot of rage, jealousy, spite, malevolence, etc. There's a part of me that wants to crush the dreams of every happy person I meet. A part of me that wants to hurt people in any way... So far I don't really have a part of me that wants to kill... Which is a very good thing. I personally think killing people is a complete waste of time and energy... Plus I think it would be completely unsatisfying. Death is such an easy way out of life. No. the Inner-Psychopath prefers making people suffer. Not even really gruesome things either. there's the physical, but the mental and emotional are more fun. Then again... I tend to torture myself instead. I have this whole code of honor thing to deal with.
See.... I have such an ugly and evil side to me. I guess that's why I torment my characters so much. I can't even stand seeing fictional characters so happy... It just feels so unfair.
"Life is unfair." Too true... But everyone gets at least a few chances at happiness... I just keep wondering when I'll get mine. Yes. I am talking about romance. All my chances and attempts have been a bust. All of them have turned out so wrong and left me scarred and hurting. I don't even trust myself with that emotion anymore. I can't make a first move... I physically and mentally can't. I don't trust myself to express my feelings to people I like anymore... Especially if I think I may actually love them. Things seem to go so awry if I actually admit my feelings... Even to myself. There are times where I just want that part of me to die and go away because it hurts so much. I see people in love... I hear about engagements and what not.... It hurts... I'm happy for those people, but at the same time I'm jealous and depressed. I can't help but think: "Why the fuck can't I find that? Why the fuck have all my attempts gone to shit and their's hasn't? What are they doing right and what am I doing wrong?" I can't wrap my brain around it. I have no 'real' experience. I can't even get a taste of it! I don't need the first guy to be the right one or the perfect one. I don't need it to be the one to commit to. I'm not looking for a husband... Just a partner... Kinda. I don't know. I just want to know what it's like to have an actual relationship. Even if it only lasts a little bit.
... I've never even been on a real date. The first guy who truly asked me out ended up going out with my best friend, whom I introduced him to. He had even asked me to a dance... It was the first time that had ever happened to me. Then there was miscommunication and he went with someone else. Apparently, he was completely fine with it. Ass. I loathe the bastard now, but it still hurt. Then the other guy never really asked me out... he kinda stalked me, but when I finally convinced him that I wasn't ready for a relationship... he moved on within five minutes, flirting with one of my best friends. That REALLY hurt. Made me feel like I was nothing. Majority of my online boyfriends either forgot about me or were assholes. One I don't agonize over because we were just friends and it was just an experiment. We continued to laugh about it till he left the chatroom life to live in the real world. Then there was him. The second male I have ever fallen in love with. That relationship got insanely screwed up and now we don't even talk. I will admit that his eloquent story writings still charm me, but now I only admire his abilities. It's over and dead and will never come back. That era has passed. He needs to live in reality.
He and I share a few things. We're both very broken, want a significant other, and need someone to be there in the physical realm. I think one of the reasons I don't want to talk to him is because I don't want to destroy the memories I have of his personality. I don't want to ruin the memory of the guy I loved. Just like with Andrew. A tiny piece of me still belongs to him.... Because memories of love can't die. They can only be looked at in a different light. I now look back at the memories with pain... But also gratitude and fondness. He was one of the first people to make me feel like I was worth something and at the time I was too immature to appretiate it. Now I don't have that, but at least I have memories.
So what am I looking for? I always ask myself this... Am I looking for a significant other? a friend? Not really... Hoping for a significant other. I want one, but I am looking for a particular type of person. Doesn't matter what form they take in my life. I am looking for someone who will see through my mask. Someone who will aid me in my fight against my demons. That person who will make me confront those that I am in denial about. I cannot fully heal without confronting those demons, but I continue to shy away from them because I don't believe they are there. My brain knows they are there, but the rest of me wants to deny their existance and just ignore the chaos they create. I need someone that I cannot fool. It's the fact that I can fool everyone that keeps me from the confrontations.
It's funny. I pretty much don't trust people, yet people trust me. why? Because I don't want to hurt people. I want to help. I want to protect. I want to heal. I want to comfort. I care about people, yet I don't really trust them. I do have compassion and empathy. I just lie to people about myself... Sometimes.. Not everything I tell them about myself is a lie. Most of what I say is truth, but there are just somethings I am compelled to lie about... And I won't even tell you what those lies are. At time I'm a walking contradiction. Which can be fun, but in the end it's frustrating.
I test people. I am cryptic. It may seem cruel to test people, but I'm trying to protect myself. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Yet it continues to happen. Those are the cards I was dealt. I keep fighting them though. I feel compelled to fight, but as I win or draw in a battle... Something else always pounces on me.
I'm human. A broken and defective human, but I'm still human. I view the world differently and my mind works in a unique way at times.
Even at my most depressed and lowest points... There's still always that sliver of hope. There's always a tiny beam of light in the darkness. Some where there's a hand reaching out... but it's not here yet. I still only grasp air every time I reach out for a hand. I have some mental and emotional support, but no physical. However, thanks to them I at least have the awareness of not being alone.... Even if my feelings don't quite match all the time.
... However, I know what my heart desires. My mind desires the person who can help me, but my heart desires a significant other. Someone I can actually say: "I love you" to... and mean it. I've only typed it before in the romantic sense. I've... I've never actually said it verbally to someone. In dreams I have, but never in reality. I long to have that feeling... To see the expression of the one who loves me. To hold that person. To share moments with him. To share reality with him. To share pain and comfort. I know that romance is not always pretty. I've seen the reality. I've observed real relationships. It's part of being human. To share all emotions with someone you love more than anything. A deep bond that I yearn for so much. I have felt hints of those feelings. In dreams and fantasies. Sometimes it almost does feel real, but when I wake up or I stop writing... I know it was just an exchange of my imagination.
I always have hope.... But for now I shall be left wondering: "When will I get my chance?"
That level of relationship is earned. It is never instantly found. I know that. I just wonder if I can build such a relationship with someone. I'd like a chance. Unfortunately, I have trouble recognizing opportunities and I don't trust myself enough to even start. I've had the tendancy to be on one side... I've crushed on a lot of guys and I've even fallen in love twice. I'm starting to doubt the online relationship a bit. Still... I've rarely been on the receiving end of a crush. Andrew was inconclusive. One was an ass and the other was a creep... Both moved on the instant they realized I wasn't interested. The ass moved on ahead of time though. Other than that.... Nada. If anyone else ever had a crush on me... I never knew and I would never believe gossip. The guy would have to tell me himself that he liked me. I'm so dense, afraid, and unsure of myself that I wouldn't believe anything else. I'd need the direct approach. Which is why I believe that no one in their right mind would ever have a crush on me. Considering my record. No one has ever proved otherwise, so why should I believe anything else. *shrug*
Fuck. I'm tired of this. I'm just whining and wallowing in self-pity.
My emotions are also probably influenced by the fact that I've started the fun filled time that proves I'm biologically a working and probably fertile female. Whee.
Bleh. I'm gonna watch House until I feel too tired to keep my eyes open. Who knows. I might not even sleep.
... Now I feel like a whiny, self-centered child.
I need a freakin' large dose of House. At least my Inner-Misanthrope is fairly neutral ground. Seriously, she is.