This is a historical entry. It will be the first and probably last one my parents will ever see.
Is it a sign that even though I was sobbing like crazy; the moment I filled out an application to request information from UMSL for transfer students that I calmed down? Seriously, I'm feeling much better now and that is freakin' weird. That seriously calmed me down. I kinda cried partially 'cause it's really going to frustrate me... I can't talk to my parents about transferring until I see them in the flesh. I have to pretty much hold off till May, but I may discuss it with them in Feb.
*sighs* I hate feeling like this. I hate living in the dorm. I hate driving back an forth between STL and Kirksville. I hate sliding down hill and having to struggle to get back up. I have definitely gotten worse. Last night I was bawling like a freakin' 5 year old! I have NEVER gotten that bad. Can I explain that to my parents? No. Not over the phone. I might have to visit my family sooner than I thought... This is serious. I have to talk to them about this. This is not only important for the decision of my future, but also my mental and emotional health. I shouldn't have to go through so much distress before I can settle! It's just not right! I shouldn't have physical reactions! I lose my appetite, I'm sensitive to temperature, and I sometimes even physically feel ill! This is really serious. With all this stress and distress I'm on my way to a freakin' ulcer!
I have to go home on the 26th. I HAVE to talk to my parents. This is something that must be done. I am getting an information packet. I am getting an admissions form, but I will not fill it out or send it in until April or May. Since I don't plan to live in dorms I don't have to worry about that part.
I'm serious... I go through way too much to just be here. There aren't enough moments to keep me here... The only thing that will competely change my mind now is if something absolutely amazing happens this semester. Other than that... I might be better off in STL at UMSL. Hell I have no other ambitions! I have no plans to live anywhere else than STL. I'll travel, but I'll actually LIVE in STL. Why not start my introduction to the real world in STL now? While I'm still young and ready to learn. I want to avoid that lull year between graduation and real world time. I want to have full momentum! I can't get that here. Things are too seperate right now. I can't have that. It hurts too much. It tears at me too much. It is causing too much damage to my stability. I was more stable LAST YEAR! I'm having ups and downs every month now! I can't have that. It's not good. I can't grow anymore! I've hit bedrock with these new roots. I have to go back to my old ones and grow. I'm like a tree. I have to branch out FROM my roots. I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to keep going through all this pain. Even if it only lasts a few days. It's just too much! I'm willing to give up a lot of things and accept limitations from my parents just to be comfortable. To feel safe and secure again. I don't feel that here! I feel so anxious, insecure, and I know I'm safe, but I don't feel safe! I've had my two years of learning experience. Let me grow now. Please. Let me be comfortable enough to take more risks.
I don't care what my parents say. They keep telling me they want me to be happy right? I'm not completely happy here. I'm always miserable the day I return here and usually the day after too! It'll probably take me the entire week to get over this. Then it'll happen all over again after spring/midterm break. I can't keep doing this! This is not good for me. I'm not stable here. I wanna feel safe enough to take risks. I want to be comfortable. I want to start getting involved in the real world NOW. I will still finish up three more years of college, but I just have to do it in STL while learning stuff about the real world. I don't want to suddenly be thrown into it. I want to have some momentum when I go there. I won't have any momentum in STL if I'm in Kirksville most of the time! This is really important to me.
I will print this entry out. I will go home on the 26th. I will talk to my parents immediately. This is an important issue that doesn't just involve my future, but my happiness and health. My stability. I need them to realize sooner as opposed to four months from now that I am completely serious about this. They need to know that I have been considering this since the beginning of 2006! UMSL may not have been my target, but I definitely felt like maybe I should transfer since I kept getting worse.
I am at the most vulnerable part of my life. I am getting counseling that I have needed for 7 or 8 years! I am facing some vicious demons! I need to be with my main support group. It's amazing I got through last semester. I will get through this one, but I will feel much better once I've made this impression on my parents. They have to know everything. Even if they don't agree at that time. They have to know and mull it over while I can keep my mind on the now while I'm at Truman. Otherwise I'll be preoccupied by the possible transfer until May and the present will just go on by. I don't want to be preoccupied, so my parents will know. I will give my case and tell them everything I have considered. That way I can focus on my life at Truman without worrying about what to say to them in May.
This is something that has to be brought to their attention now. It won't be completely settled until May, but we have to discuss this now. However, I will not go home this weekend because they'll think I'm still in a phase or sommat. I can't wait until the first weekend in Feb 'cause my mom might not be home. --;; So I'll be going home a little more often this semester. Whatever. It must be done. I am not a stable person here. My moods go up and down way too much. I am much calmer at home. I'm even willing to help pay bills, cook food, clean the house, just whatever! I'm willing to do housework every single day in order to live at home while I go to school. I might not even eat dinner with them all the time. Hell, I'll even work on getting a job! I don't want to be surprised by the real world. I was surprised by college and that was bad enough. Being surprised by the real world would probably cause worse problems. I will be able to do more while I feel comfortable and secure. It has nothing to do with the house or material possessions. It's all about the environment, the people, and the familiarity. When I feel safe, I do more, I talk more, and I can take more risks. I want to live my life to the fullest and I cannot do that here. Not when anxiety and insecurity continues to weigh me down. It hampers my education and my ability to socialize.
Some may think I'm not trying hard enough. The fact that I haven't packed everything into my car and gone home is proof that I am trying. I am resisting the urge (that came up at least once a week since I got the car last semester) with every fiber of my being because I want to get through this year. This cannot be healthy for me! I reacted far more violently than I did in August and September! I cried and sobbed, but I was never reduced to bawling like a 5 year old. This cannot be healthy. I've lost my appetite, I sometimes feel physically ill, I can't sleep very well... *sigh* It's far worse this time... Counseling will help, but it can only do so much. I don't want to rely on movies and talking to a counselor just to make me feel better! If I have to use those to make myself feel better when I'm here then I cannot be truly happy here! I love being around the people I've met here, but I just can't do this. This is not for me. I don't want to be somewhere that I will probably never go back to once I'm done with it! I want to make this time useful! I've had my fun, but I want to make my spare time useful for the future! So I can be comfortable when I get to the real world. So I can enjoy myself with out the worry and lull. I know I can't depend on my parents for the rest of my life, but I think it's important for me to be at my roots while I branch out. STL was going to be my home base anyway! I have no ambition to live anywhere else! Travel and maybe visit someone for a week or two, but not live. Let's face it. I love the 'burbs.
I don't know if I can give Truman another year... I can complete this semester, but completing another year here may be pushing my luck. I have too many demons to fight... Some of them are so vicious that the battles leave me exhausted and I need my main support group to turn to. Physically. Words and voices don't work when I'm fighting or have just finished fighting such horrendous battles. I've spent almost two years away from my main support group during this vulnerable point in my life. I can't do that anymore. It causes more damage. I grow here, but I can only go so far before it stops. I easily get past that point when I'm at home! When I know support isn't that far away. I'm not gonna live with my parents forever. I'll probably find an apartment or sommat after a year or so, but I don't think I can wait anymore. Going back and forth. Being split between two cities... It causes too much pain for me to endure.
I could never ever trade these years at Truman for anything. This was good for me. I learned far more about me and what I want in life than I did academically. I've started to find my way, but I'm at a crossroads and the path that both my heart, spirit, and mind are telling me to take is the path that leads home. I can only grow so much here. I have to return to my roots to push past the limit. If it weren't for these years at Truman... I would've never discovered this, but I feel that I can only continue my growth at home. Where I feel more secure and comfortable to take risks.
I miss too much to stay here. There's too many things here that could easily be replaced. Nothing could replace the people, but there's not much that I couldn't find in STL. Besides... A lot of people I'm rather attached to... They're either graduating or I could easily see them in STL. --;;; I'm only partially happy... No matter what I say... I'm not completely happy here... This is not where I will find my happy place... I can't do most of the things I love here! Where as in STL I could easily do the things I love. I miss Emmanuel, I miss the choir there, I miss the community so much.... I'm not ready branch out this much for this long. To some (About) 200 miles doesn't matter, but to me it is a big deal. It's too far... It's too long. In a sense I spend more time in Kirksville in one year than at home! What good is that when I plan to establish myself in STL after Truman?! It would make more sense for me to transfer and establish myself NOW as opposed to when I've graduated. I might not major in Psychology. I have no idea where life is taking me right now, but I can't find my direction here. The only direction I can find is pointing to STL. To home. To the community I miss so much. I have no other direction right now.
The path of a journey in life sometimes curves around to home before going back out. I accept that. I don't care what my parents say. This is important. It's about my happiness. My health. My stability. My life. Pleasing people is no longer priority one. The number one priority nowadays is ME for once. My happiness. I've put others ahead of myself for so long and look where it's gotten me. I've taken so much damage from those who have abused it and it's my turn to recover and be happy. My turn to be a little selfish. I'm too scared here to branch out! I'm friendlier at home! I'm more willing to socialize! I don't have so much fear. It would take so long for me to get over this fear that I'd be outta here the moment I finally got over it! I can't wait that long! What good is it for me to keep putting myself through so much distress when in the end I'm going to return to STL for the real world? It makes no sense! These two years have helped me so much, but it is time to take control of my life and use that knowledge to grow and find my true potential.
I have been leaning this way ever since last summer and now I have the answers to my questions. Why do I want to go back? Here's why. *points above* My path lead me here to learn and grow to a point and now it is leading me back home to my roots to go past the growth limit that exists here in Kirksville. I feel too much fear here. I don't feel comfortable taking risks so far from my main support group. This is growth I needed in high school, but I never got it, so I'm going through it now. I'm having both high school and college growth at the same time. @_@ gah... I clung to many of the middle school concepts when I was in high school. Now... After this semester... I think it will be time to return home and learn more there. I want to learn so much. I'm hampered here because I'm only getting academics. I know little of the real world and I can't learn such things in a place where I won't stay during the summer or after college. It was easier for my sister because she wasn't going to stay in STL for too long anyway. Same with my brother. He doesn't mind. I on the other hand plan on staying in STL for a while. It is my home base. I travel from it, but in the end STL is my home base. It has nothing to do with my parent's house in Webster. It's the area in general. The 'burbs. I could totally live away from home for two or three weeks... maybe four, but only if I lived at home (not necessarily my parent's house) for the majority of the year.
I think this is the most thought I've put into this out of any time I've... Well... Thought about it... Mostly it was about familiarity, but now I see that I have to consider more than that... I have to consider my health, happiness, future, etc. I don't want to have to move to a different place or return to an old place every year and personalize the room just for my academic experience. It's too much. It hampers more than helps my experience 'cause I'm preoccupied with thoughts of home. I didn't even start my Stats homework finished because I was crying and I had to make myself feel better. I just couldn't focus on it. *sighs* I'm up late because I can't stop thinking about this.
I will get through this semester, but I highly doubt I will return to Truman for academic purposes. I'll definitely come up and visit people because I do enjoy visiting Kirksville. That's the type of Kirksville I fell in love with. Visiting it. I don't think I can live here anymore though. I'd rather go to UMSL and save some money because when I move into an apartment I want it to be some place I'll stay for several years all year round. Not just a year for part of the year. It ain't worth it. Too much moving. I don't want to deal with that anymore.
This is probably going to be the same entry I will read to my parents or at least make my case from. It's kinda sad that I have to make a case to justify my decision to pursue a path that will make me feel more comfortable, secure, safe, and happy. However, I want to prove to my parents that I have thought this out and I am willing to accept any consequences and/or limitations. That is how important this is to me.
However, the full real decision will not be made until the latest possible moment. I don't even know when the application to UMSL is due for Fall 2007. --;; I kinda need to find out. I've ordered an info packet though, so it should say in there. A lot of my classes should transfer, too. I'm going to go through the transfer list tomorrow and write everything down. I shall treat this like a real presentation. I shall get all my information. Acknowledge both the pros and the cons. List my plans. Etc. I'll make up a packet for my parents with all the stuff. There is no other way to prove to them that I am very serious and this is not a phase or a decision made by an irrational, emotional child. This is a possible plan created by a logical, rational young adult. I sacrifice more to be here than I do to be at home. That doesn't seem right. I can't keep making myself miserable for the sake of a few awesome moments. That does too much damage.
This is my project after I am all settled in. I will discuss this with my counselor, too, so I can get his opinion. Yeah, I've had fantasies about living with wacky roommates and good times had by all, but let's face it. I may still get that later in life. You just never know where your life will lead you. ^^ <3 I am determined to enjoy my life to the fullest.
This is the best time to experiment with my life because I'm the type who is more than willing to go back to school for a year or two a few years later for more learning if I need to. I'm pretty sure that after a year of going to school while still living at home will be crazy enough to make me look for an apartment. XD Besides, I can save up the money that is not being spent on all the extra crap that I have to use it for here and then use the saved money to get a good apartment either in Webster or in an area nearby. I'm not too picky. XD I just want to see if it's what I want. I have to try it for at least a year to see if I grow more. Who knows I might come back to Truman. *shrugs* or I might end up sharing an apartment with some people from UMSL. One just never knows, but I want to go the way that will help me continue to grow and learn. The path that makes me happy. ^^ <3
I feel much better now... I have to make sure I remember this entry so I can use it when I talk to my parents. By the way. it's like 11:30pm now.. --;;; It's taken me almost two hours to write this... After a rather short convo with my parents... They really didn't want to put up with my crying... Plus I wouldn't discuss the main topic in my mind with them, but I will in about three weeks. I have to do it sooner as opposed to later and when they're both home.
I've also gotten hungry now. --;; Time to eat something and go to bed.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates!
~Marty / Shin~
*sighs* I hate feeling like this. I hate living in the dorm. I hate driving back an forth between STL and Kirksville. I hate sliding down hill and having to struggle to get back up. I have definitely gotten worse. Last night I was bawling like a freakin' 5 year old! I have NEVER gotten that bad. Can I explain that to my parents? No. Not over the phone. I might have to visit my family sooner than I thought... This is serious. I have to talk to them about this. This is not only important for the decision of my future, but also my mental and emotional health. I shouldn't have to go through so much distress before I can settle! It's just not right! I shouldn't have physical reactions! I lose my appetite, I'm sensitive to temperature, and I sometimes even physically feel ill! This is really serious. With all this stress and distress I'm on my way to a freakin' ulcer!
I have to go home on the 26th. I HAVE to talk to my parents. This is something that must be done. I am getting an information packet. I am getting an admissions form, but I will not fill it out or send it in until April or May. Since I don't plan to live in dorms I don't have to worry about that part.
I'm serious... I go through way too much to just be here. There aren't enough moments to keep me here... The only thing that will competely change my mind now is if something absolutely amazing happens this semester. Other than that... I might be better off in STL at UMSL. Hell I have no other ambitions! I have no plans to live anywhere else than STL. I'll travel, but I'll actually LIVE in STL. Why not start my introduction to the real world in STL now? While I'm still young and ready to learn. I want to avoid that lull year between graduation and real world time. I want to have full momentum! I can't get that here. Things are too seperate right now. I can't have that. It hurts too much. It tears at me too much. It is causing too much damage to my stability. I was more stable LAST YEAR! I'm having ups and downs every month now! I can't have that. It's not good. I can't grow anymore! I've hit bedrock with these new roots. I have to go back to my old ones and grow. I'm like a tree. I have to branch out FROM my roots. I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to keep going through all this pain. Even if it only lasts a few days. It's just too much! I'm willing to give up a lot of things and accept limitations from my parents just to be comfortable. To feel safe and secure again. I don't feel that here! I feel so anxious, insecure, and I know I'm safe, but I don't feel safe! I've had my two years of learning experience. Let me grow now. Please. Let me be comfortable enough to take more risks.
I don't care what my parents say. They keep telling me they want me to be happy right? I'm not completely happy here. I'm always miserable the day I return here and usually the day after too! It'll probably take me the entire week to get over this. Then it'll happen all over again after spring/midterm break. I can't keep doing this! This is not good for me. I'm not stable here. I wanna feel safe enough to take risks. I want to be comfortable. I want to start getting involved in the real world NOW. I will still finish up three more years of college, but I just have to do it in STL while learning stuff about the real world. I don't want to suddenly be thrown into it. I want to have some momentum when I go there. I won't have any momentum in STL if I'm in Kirksville most of the time! This is really important to me.
I will print this entry out. I will go home on the 26th. I will talk to my parents immediately. This is an important issue that doesn't just involve my future, but my happiness and health. My stability. I need them to realize sooner as opposed to four months from now that I am completely serious about this. They need to know that I have been considering this since the beginning of 2006! UMSL may not have been my target, but I definitely felt like maybe I should transfer since I kept getting worse.
I am at the most vulnerable part of my life. I am getting counseling that I have needed for 7 or 8 years! I am facing some vicious demons! I need to be with my main support group. It's amazing I got through last semester. I will get through this one, but I will feel much better once I've made this impression on my parents. They have to know everything. Even if they don't agree at that time. They have to know and mull it over while I can keep my mind on the now while I'm at Truman. Otherwise I'll be preoccupied by the possible transfer until May and the present will just go on by. I don't want to be preoccupied, so my parents will know. I will give my case and tell them everything I have considered. That way I can focus on my life at Truman without worrying about what to say to them in May.
This is something that has to be brought to their attention now. It won't be completely settled until May, but we have to discuss this now. However, I will not go home this weekend because they'll think I'm still in a phase or sommat. I can't wait until the first weekend in Feb 'cause my mom might not be home. --;; So I'll be going home a little more often this semester. Whatever. It must be done. I am not a stable person here. My moods go up and down way too much. I am much calmer at home. I'm even willing to help pay bills, cook food, clean the house, just whatever! I'm willing to do housework every single day in order to live at home while I go to school. I might not even eat dinner with them all the time. Hell, I'll even work on getting a job! I don't want to be surprised by the real world. I was surprised by college and that was bad enough. Being surprised by the real world would probably cause worse problems. I will be able to do more while I feel comfortable and secure. It has nothing to do with the house or material possessions. It's all about the environment, the people, and the familiarity. When I feel safe, I do more, I talk more, and I can take more risks. I want to live my life to the fullest and I cannot do that here. Not when anxiety and insecurity continues to weigh me down. It hampers my education and my ability to socialize.
Some may think I'm not trying hard enough. The fact that I haven't packed everything into my car and gone home is proof that I am trying. I am resisting the urge (that came up at least once a week since I got the car last semester) with every fiber of my being because I want to get through this year. This cannot be healthy for me! I reacted far more violently than I did in August and September! I cried and sobbed, but I was never reduced to bawling like a 5 year old. This cannot be healthy. I've lost my appetite, I sometimes feel physically ill, I can't sleep very well... *sigh* It's far worse this time... Counseling will help, but it can only do so much. I don't want to rely on movies and talking to a counselor just to make me feel better! If I have to use those to make myself feel better when I'm here then I cannot be truly happy here! I love being around the people I've met here, but I just can't do this. This is not for me. I don't want to be somewhere that I will probably never go back to once I'm done with it! I want to make this time useful! I've had my fun, but I want to make my spare time useful for the future! So I can be comfortable when I get to the real world. So I can enjoy myself with out the worry and lull. I know I can't depend on my parents for the rest of my life, but I think it's important for me to be at my roots while I branch out. STL was going to be my home base anyway! I have no ambition to live anywhere else! Travel and maybe visit someone for a week or two, but not live. Let's face it. I love the 'burbs.
I don't know if I can give Truman another year... I can complete this semester, but completing another year here may be pushing my luck. I have too many demons to fight... Some of them are so vicious that the battles leave me exhausted and I need my main support group to turn to. Physically. Words and voices don't work when I'm fighting or have just finished fighting such horrendous battles. I've spent almost two years away from my main support group during this vulnerable point in my life. I can't do that anymore. It causes more damage. I grow here, but I can only go so far before it stops. I easily get past that point when I'm at home! When I know support isn't that far away. I'm not gonna live with my parents forever. I'll probably find an apartment or sommat after a year or so, but I don't think I can wait anymore. Going back and forth. Being split between two cities... It causes too much pain for me to endure.
I could never ever trade these years at Truman for anything. This was good for me. I learned far more about me and what I want in life than I did academically. I've started to find my way, but I'm at a crossroads and the path that both my heart, spirit, and mind are telling me to take is the path that leads home. I can only grow so much here. I have to return to my roots to push past the limit. If it weren't for these years at Truman... I would've never discovered this, but I feel that I can only continue my growth at home. Where I feel more secure and comfortable to take risks.
I miss too much to stay here. There's too many things here that could easily be replaced. Nothing could replace the people, but there's not much that I couldn't find in STL. Besides... A lot of people I'm rather attached to... They're either graduating or I could easily see them in STL. --;;; I'm only partially happy... No matter what I say... I'm not completely happy here... This is not where I will find my happy place... I can't do most of the things I love here! Where as in STL I could easily do the things I love. I miss Emmanuel, I miss the choir there, I miss the community so much.... I'm not ready branch out this much for this long. To some (About) 200 miles doesn't matter, but to me it is a big deal. It's too far... It's too long. In a sense I spend more time in Kirksville in one year than at home! What good is that when I plan to establish myself in STL after Truman?! It would make more sense for me to transfer and establish myself NOW as opposed to when I've graduated. I might not major in Psychology. I have no idea where life is taking me right now, but I can't find my direction here. The only direction I can find is pointing to STL. To home. To the community I miss so much. I have no other direction right now.
The path of a journey in life sometimes curves around to home before going back out. I accept that. I don't care what my parents say. This is important. It's about my happiness. My health. My stability. My life. Pleasing people is no longer priority one. The number one priority nowadays is ME for once. My happiness. I've put others ahead of myself for so long and look where it's gotten me. I've taken so much damage from those who have abused it and it's my turn to recover and be happy. My turn to be a little selfish. I'm too scared here to branch out! I'm friendlier at home! I'm more willing to socialize! I don't have so much fear. It would take so long for me to get over this fear that I'd be outta here the moment I finally got over it! I can't wait that long! What good is it for me to keep putting myself through so much distress when in the end I'm going to return to STL for the real world? It makes no sense! These two years have helped me so much, but it is time to take control of my life and use that knowledge to grow and find my true potential.
I have been leaning this way ever since last summer and now I have the answers to my questions. Why do I want to go back? Here's why. *points above* My path lead me here to learn and grow to a point and now it is leading me back home to my roots to go past the growth limit that exists here in Kirksville. I feel too much fear here. I don't feel comfortable taking risks so far from my main support group. This is growth I needed in high school, but I never got it, so I'm going through it now. I'm having both high school and college growth at the same time. @_@ gah... I clung to many of the middle school concepts when I was in high school. Now... After this semester... I think it will be time to return home and learn more there. I want to learn so much. I'm hampered here because I'm only getting academics. I know little of the real world and I can't learn such things in a place where I won't stay during the summer or after college. It was easier for my sister because she wasn't going to stay in STL for too long anyway. Same with my brother. He doesn't mind. I on the other hand plan on staying in STL for a while. It is my home base. I travel from it, but in the end STL is my home base. It has nothing to do with my parent's house in Webster. It's the area in general. The 'burbs. I could totally live away from home for two or three weeks... maybe four, but only if I lived at home (not necessarily my parent's house) for the majority of the year.
I think this is the most thought I've put into this out of any time I've... Well... Thought about it... Mostly it was about familiarity, but now I see that I have to consider more than that... I have to consider my health, happiness, future, etc. I don't want to have to move to a different place or return to an old place every year and personalize the room just for my academic experience. It's too much. It hampers more than helps my experience 'cause I'm preoccupied with thoughts of home. I didn't even start my Stats homework finished because I was crying and I had to make myself feel better. I just couldn't focus on it. *sighs* I'm up late because I can't stop thinking about this.
I will get through this semester, but I highly doubt I will return to Truman for academic purposes. I'll definitely come up and visit people because I do enjoy visiting Kirksville. That's the type of Kirksville I fell in love with. Visiting it. I don't think I can live here anymore though. I'd rather go to UMSL and save some money because when I move into an apartment I want it to be some place I'll stay for several years all year round. Not just a year for part of the year. It ain't worth it. Too much moving. I don't want to deal with that anymore.
This is probably going to be the same entry I will read to my parents or at least make my case from. It's kinda sad that I have to make a case to justify my decision to pursue a path that will make me feel more comfortable, secure, safe, and happy. However, I want to prove to my parents that I have thought this out and I am willing to accept any consequences and/or limitations. That is how important this is to me.
However, the full real decision will not be made until the latest possible moment. I don't even know when the application to UMSL is due for Fall 2007. --;; I kinda need to find out. I've ordered an info packet though, so it should say in there. A lot of my classes should transfer, too. I'm going to go through the transfer list tomorrow and write everything down. I shall treat this like a real presentation. I shall get all my information. Acknowledge both the pros and the cons. List my plans. Etc. I'll make up a packet for my parents with all the stuff. There is no other way to prove to them that I am very serious and this is not a phase or a decision made by an irrational, emotional child. This is a possible plan created by a logical, rational young adult. I sacrifice more to be here than I do to be at home. That doesn't seem right. I can't keep making myself miserable for the sake of a few awesome moments. That does too much damage.
This is my project after I am all settled in. I will discuss this with my counselor, too, so I can get his opinion. Yeah, I've had fantasies about living with wacky roommates and good times had by all, but let's face it. I may still get that later in life. You just never know where your life will lead you. ^^ <3 I am determined to enjoy my life to the fullest.
This is the best time to experiment with my life because I'm the type who is more than willing to go back to school for a year or two a few years later for more learning if I need to. I'm pretty sure that after a year of going to school while still living at home will be crazy enough to make me look for an apartment. XD Besides, I can save up the money that is not being spent on all the extra crap that I have to use it for here and then use the saved money to get a good apartment either in Webster or in an area nearby. I'm not too picky. XD I just want to see if it's what I want. I have to try it for at least a year to see if I grow more. Who knows I might come back to Truman. *shrugs* or I might end up sharing an apartment with some people from UMSL. One just never knows, but I want to go the way that will help me continue to grow and learn. The path that makes me happy. ^^ <3
I feel much better now... I have to make sure I remember this entry so I can use it when I talk to my parents. By the way. it's like 11:30pm now.. --;;; It's taken me almost two hours to write this... After a rather short convo with my parents... They really didn't want to put up with my crying... Plus I wouldn't discuss the main topic in my mind with them, but I will in about three weeks. I have to do it sooner as opposed to later and when they're both home.
I've also gotten hungry now. --;; Time to eat something and go to bed.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates!
~Marty / Shin~