SGA Elections next year
I decided I want to run for SGA resident next year at Loyola. I feel I should give the school as much time as possible to thwart me, it's only fair. Thus I am issuing my intent to run as soon as possible(read this morning, at open of buisness). I borrowed quite liberally from Tucker Max's DBA story, however most of the details are all me.
My statement of intent is as follows: (May God have mercy on us all)
My name is James Simko, and I wish to run for the position of Student Government Association President.
If elected, I promise to go to the SGA meetings very drunk and demand to vote on things not on the agenda. Then I will take my shirt off so everyone can look at my rippling muscles. And possibly even my pants, but only if I have on underwear.
Should I not get my way during a meeting, I will filibuster any and all valid, cogent, reasonable, salient, or even amusingly tangential points on the agenda by regaling the meeting with sordid tales of my drunken exploits, wild nights, stories I've made up, listings from the New Orleans phone book, the liquor list at quills, the menu from fresco's, or anything that comes to me at the moment.
If I am still not getting my way, I will drag a dead, rotting deer carcass into the meeting, bellowing, “I AM SHIVA DESTROYER OF WORLDS!! FLEE BEFORE MY RATH!!” I then I will unleash my thundering horde upon the dissenters, until all my enemies are driven before me and crushed under my size 11 Vans.
Should a debate or meeting go completely awry, and my hordes fail to sway the commitees opinion in my favor, I vow to drink very aggresively immediately until I become sloppy and belligerently drunk. I will then remove my shirt, suspend myself from the tallest readily available large structure and scream on the top of my lungs "Send out the Virgins to grease my Loins!" until the entire governing body is forced to concede my point or adjourn and have me arrested.
I feel that such displays of professionalism can only improve the image of Loyola not only to prospective students, but the academic, Jesuit, and physical communities in which we exist.
Once I gain control of the SGA, I will change my title from Student Body President to King of Loyola. Actually my FIRST order of buisness will be to go out and get completely wasted (and possibly arrested) in celebration of my victory, then on to the title changing! I will then exile the entire res-life pro staff to the broadway campus, Nay Tulane!!! I will then light a mattress on fire and shove it from Beiver Hall. I will also appropriate 50% of the SGA funds dedicated to underclassmen appreciation projects, involving copious amounts of alternative beverages.
Then I will annex Tulane University and its land, and declare it "Loyola University New Orleans: Tulane Campus". I will then cede the entire Loyola University and all its lands (of which I will now be king of) and declare it a free state. I will then open a liquor store, with real cheap prices.
Some nay-sayers may say that I only intend to make a mockery of this school and that I have no pack pride or love for Loyola. I do love this school and will aim to actually improve it. I can show you the love I have for Loyola as it is permanently inked into my right shoulder.
However, being that Loyola's current SGA is a joke, we might as well make it funny. I feel I am more than qualified to fill this position as my hijinx though sometimes dangerous, frequently juvenile, and usually drunken, are always entertaining.
Thus I respectfully request that you all cast your ballots in next year's SGA election for myself, in the hopes for a better and more prosperous Loyola. Further I invite all Loyola Students, Alums, Faculty, and Staff to join the movement to elect me as their future king of the Student Government Association.
My statement of intent is as follows: (May God have mercy on us all)
My name is James Simko, and I wish to run for the position of Student Government Association President.
If elected, I promise to go to the SGA meetings very drunk and demand to vote on things not on the agenda. Then I will take my shirt off so everyone can look at my rippling muscles. And possibly even my pants, but only if I have on underwear.
Should I not get my way during a meeting, I will filibuster any and all valid, cogent, reasonable, salient, or even amusingly tangential points on the agenda by regaling the meeting with sordid tales of my drunken exploits, wild nights, stories I've made up, listings from the New Orleans phone book, the liquor list at quills, the menu from fresco's, or anything that comes to me at the moment.
If I am still not getting my way, I will drag a dead, rotting deer carcass into the meeting, bellowing, “I AM SHIVA DESTROYER OF WORLDS!! FLEE BEFORE MY RATH!!” I then I will unleash my thundering horde upon the dissenters, until all my enemies are driven before me and crushed under my size 11 Vans.
Should a debate or meeting go completely awry, and my hordes fail to sway the commitees opinion in my favor, I vow to drink very aggresively immediately until I become sloppy and belligerently drunk. I will then remove my shirt, suspend myself from the tallest readily available large structure and scream on the top of my lungs "Send out the Virgins to grease my Loins!" until the entire governing body is forced to concede my point or adjourn and have me arrested.
I feel that such displays of professionalism can only improve the image of Loyola not only to prospective students, but the academic, Jesuit, and physical communities in which we exist.
Once I gain control of the SGA, I will change my title from Student Body President to King of Loyola. Actually my FIRST order of buisness will be to go out and get completely wasted (and possibly arrested) in celebration of my victory, then on to the title changing! I will then exile the entire res-life pro staff to the broadway campus, Nay Tulane!!! I will then light a mattress on fire and shove it from Beiver Hall. I will also appropriate 50% of the SGA funds dedicated to underclassmen appreciation projects, involving copious amounts of alternative beverages.
Then I will annex Tulane University and its land, and declare it "Loyola University New Orleans: Tulane Campus". I will then cede the entire Loyola University and all its lands (of which I will now be king of) and declare it a free state. I will then open a liquor store, with real cheap prices.
Some nay-sayers may say that I only intend to make a mockery of this school and that I have no pack pride or love for Loyola. I do love this school and will aim to actually improve it. I can show you the love I have for Loyola as it is permanently inked into my right shoulder.
However, being that Loyola's current SGA is a joke, we might as well make it funny. I feel I am more than qualified to fill this position as my hijinx though sometimes dangerous, frequently juvenile, and usually drunken, are always entertaining.
Thus I respectfully request that you all cast your ballots in next year's SGA election for myself, in the hopes for a better and more prosperous Loyola. Further I invite all Loyola Students, Alums, Faculty, and Staff to join the movement to elect me as their future king of the Student Government Association.