Diary, April 5th 2014
I feel like shit! I don't even feel like waking up! It pains me stop sleeping, stop dreaming. Even if its a bad dream... I'd rather be with venomous centipedes crawling out of my hair insted of being awake!
I know, I know...I'm depressed...again
It's just that, gosh!, everytime I get better I feel like I'll never ever have to feel this shitty again.
I'm gross...I haven't showered in two days eventough I have my period... That's just gross, man!!!
My armpits smells... My scalp is begining to scratch because it's so oily. I don't feel like eating and when I do eat it's just crap, the same crap: bread with nutella. And I'm starting to eat each time more and more and more...
Fuck! Am I going to get fat again? Cause I feel huge!!! I seriously need to work out! My belly is huge, my arms too and they're all flappy... My legs are saggy and I have no butt at all!!! Still...I haven't start to work out and I'm saying I'm going to since like...december!!! WTF???
And worst of all...I feel like I have no friends at all!!! I have no one that cares that I'm like this... Of course I have my mom and dad and Regina...But it's like she is not even my friend anymore. She is just family!!!
The friends I had started their lifes without me...And although I try to catch up, I never do...
I don't know...I want to follow my Gurudev's orders but I also want to party and have sex and get drunk and shit... But if I do either I still feel I'm loosing my youth!
I just don't know anymore... I mean...deep down I know what is right and wrong... But I'm just sick of being the borring one who does everything right!
I just feel so lonely! And I know I'm going to feel lonely in São Paulo too so there's no point in trying to move there... There is no point in trying to make friends online... There's no point in doing anything...
I wanted a company to make me go to the temple, to help me study the scriptures, to have fun with me outside the temple without breaking any rules.
But it seems like Krsna it's telling me: "No, you can't have that! Bhakti is a path to walk alone and your only friend is Gurudev."
Well Krsna, I don't think I'm doing a very good job in being friends with my Gurudev. And sometimes I feel that if I have to do bad stuff to just not feel alone for a second, even if it's all an illusion, I'd rather do bad stuff. So please help me because I'm fucked!!! I don't know how to get out of this situation... And I know bhakti it's not for the weak but shit! I am weak!!! I am so so weak! I know I'm doing everything wrong! I know that I don't have a drop of faith. And I'm propabally so stupid that I turned out every single help you tried to give me. But please continue to try to help me! Don't give up on me just because I've given up on you! Please protect me from myself! And please please please keep the promises I've made to my Gurudev! I know I don't love you but please be mercifull if you can...You're my only hope!!!