frontier psychiatry
when i haven't updated lj in a long time and i feel like i should i never know how to start these things.
begin:
so, since this is the internet, im not going to be able to pour my heart out about my feelings and happenings as of late like i used to in lj04. this is 2009, and year 21 is approaching fast. im like, an adult now. ew.
people expect things from me, i have all of these responsibilities, and growing up is vital at this point because if i fail to do so they may put me away somewhere.. or i will undoubtedly end up with nothing but unhappiness. ugh. so i guess this is the point where i try to start to figure out the things i am good at/skills ive acquired through the years to put me on the right path to what i should be doing with my life. WHAT THE FUCK. its overwhelming for one, and two, i smoke a lot of weed for a reason. i gave up on every instrument i ever played, and pretty much every job, boyfriend, and city. right now, i just want a place to belong. ive been on the road for so long that this settling down business is just a bit freaky. its an altogether new and awkward feeling that i could live without. i remember feeling most 'at home' on the road. maybe i should seek out employment as a trucker or a groupie? i want to stay here. i think i want to be here right now. i am in california, in 2009, as i assumed i would be. go me. now what? ive always loved taking photos, always. why not that? i just dont want to get too involved in the wrong thing and miss out on something else. does that make sense? so. the 'plan' so far is to stay posi and try to take some photo classes in the new year since i live near the college now. i hear its cheap for lower class brats like me. so if that works out, i can only imagine where it may take me. there are so many people who want to be professional photographers, who have a plan about it and everything.. so why cant i just get my shit together? i hate myself sometimes. being so indecisive. but i think it has a lot to do with getting older and simply losing my passion for life. which sucks, cause i barely pray but when i do it usually goes something like this:
"god, plz dont let me lose my passion. above everything else, stay positive." its worked for a good several years now but i feel like its wearing off. this god magic i grew up with. i duno. i duno, man.
if i could id open up a coffee shop with photos and artwork and good music for the people.
and i would probably live there, upstairs. wake up, put on the coffee, record, and some clothes.
it would be such a chill spot. i might have a cat, but most likely a rat [ami the second].
people would hang out because they loved the atmosphere and the delicious cheap vegan treats and fair trade coffee.
since 2004, end of the line cafe has had a positive affect on my life. i mean, those were probably the best times of my life. and i think id like to re-produce them in a new and slightly better way.
with more typewriters, less computers. more conversation, less texting. more raw, less corporate. HERES TO MENTAL STIMULATION!
sigh
ive learned a lot but ive got a lot to learn. and ive always learned the hard way. shit.
this is going to take FOR EV ER. ill be 27 and dead by the time i figure out where im going.
this is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.
lets celebrate.
xo
begin:
so, since this is the internet, im not going to be able to pour my heart out about my feelings and happenings as of late like i used to in lj04. this is 2009, and year 21 is approaching fast. im like, an adult now. ew.
people expect things from me, i have all of these responsibilities, and growing up is vital at this point because if i fail to do so they may put me away somewhere.. or i will undoubtedly end up with nothing but unhappiness. ugh. so i guess this is the point where i try to start to figure out the things i am good at/skills ive acquired through the years to put me on the right path to what i should be doing with my life. WHAT THE FUCK. its overwhelming for one, and two, i smoke a lot of weed for a reason. i gave up on every instrument i ever played, and pretty much every job, boyfriend, and city. right now, i just want a place to belong. ive been on the road for so long that this settling down business is just a bit freaky. its an altogether new and awkward feeling that i could live without. i remember feeling most 'at home' on the road. maybe i should seek out employment as a trucker or a groupie? i want to stay here. i think i want to be here right now. i am in california, in 2009, as i assumed i would be. go me. now what? ive always loved taking photos, always. why not that? i just dont want to get too involved in the wrong thing and miss out on something else. does that make sense? so. the 'plan' so far is to stay posi and try to take some photo classes in the new year since i live near the college now. i hear its cheap for lower class brats like me. so if that works out, i can only imagine where it may take me. there are so many people who want to be professional photographers, who have a plan about it and everything.. so why cant i just get my shit together? i hate myself sometimes. being so indecisive. but i think it has a lot to do with getting older and simply losing my passion for life. which sucks, cause i barely pray but when i do it usually goes something like this:
"god, plz dont let me lose my passion. above everything else, stay positive." its worked for a good several years now but i feel like its wearing off. this god magic i grew up with. i duno. i duno, man.
if i could id open up a coffee shop with photos and artwork and good music for the people.
and i would probably live there, upstairs. wake up, put on the coffee, record, and some clothes.
it would be such a chill spot. i might have a cat, but most likely a rat [ami the second].
people would hang out because they loved the atmosphere and the delicious cheap vegan treats and fair trade coffee.
since 2004, end of the line cafe has had a positive affect on my life. i mean, those were probably the best times of my life. and i think id like to re-produce them in a new and slightly better way.
with more typewriters, less computers. more conversation, less texting. more raw, less corporate. HERES TO MENTAL STIMULATION!
sigh
ive learned a lot but ive got a lot to learn. and ive always learned the hard way. shit.
this is going to take FOR EV ER. ill be 27 and dead by the time i figure out where im going.
this is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.
lets celebrate.
xo