(no subject)
So, the way it went.
Jaq came over, and it turned out to be more of a timid initiation to admitting he cared about me as more than a friend. He brought over some non-alcoholic champagne and a pizza and we watched the Carson Daily balldrop instead of the Dick Clark one. It was too depressing.
At midnight we kissed. We kissed for some time after that.
He looked me dead in the eyes and told me that he would stand by me my whole pregnancy like a real man if it was his child and that his feelings for me were "strong enough" to have him by me even now.
This further complicated my feelings. I still love Josh.
I hate him in a lot of ways, but I cannot hate him for what grows inside me and the love that grew between us.
Having Jaq over was a mistake.
I never wanted to raise a child in a place in my life where I'd have to say, "There was a time when your father and I loved each other".
I wanted the whole damned cliche`; The picket fences and white houses in happy little Middle Class Suburbia, USA.
Now that can never happen.
Should I call Jaq and tell him that it can't happen again?
I'm just really confused.