Pretty Fly For A Rabbi...
I've been thinking long and hard about eventually studying Hebrew and going to Rabbinical school. My spiritual path has been elevating more and more and I feel very strongly about it. Even my husband, while we have very different Jewish ideals and preferences, has told me he has a feeling it is my spiritual path. I know it seems crazy. I've been really resistant to talking about it publicly or to many people. I've been afraid to admit this dream out loud, for fear of seeming foolish.
I know too many folks out there who will laugh, who HAVE in fact laughed at the idea. Most will probably think I'm nowhere near capable, or kidding myself; delusional even. I think that myself sometimes. Yet I keep feeling the pull. I've felt the urge to be in a clerical position since I was young, but I had never found my religious footing until I converted to Judaism. I know it's the home G-d wanted for me, my spiritual Ground Zero so to speak. And I need to stop worrying about what other people think. I've allowed people's doubts of me to not only damage my own self-image, but also I have allowed it to damage my willingness to put myself out there and genuinely try because I was so convinced I'd fail and prove all those doubters right. I have got to stop allowing other people's views of me to chart my course. I need to chart my own course, and I need to have more confidence in my ability to do so. This is a small step in that direction: talking about a seemingly crazy ambition and talking about it it to more than just my husband, mother, and Hashem.
I certainly can't do it anytime soon. It's very discipline-intensive, takes years and years of study, and requires a great deal of a person emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But one of the things my Mom complains I do is put myself down all the time and assume I can't do things. She thinks sometimes I do that subconsciously so that I don't have to try. I am afraid of failure, that's a fact. I'm so very good at it that taking a chance on new things isn't my strong suite. I tend to suck at a lot of things.I've never really been very successful at much of anything in my life. But if I never try, I'll never know and that's probably worse than failing. Someday I think I will do Rabbinical school after I've studied Hebrew for...a long time.
I'm not very astute at studying languages. It's a real challenge for me. But both my husband and my mother have told me that I am more than intelligent enough and capable enough to learn, even if it takes a longer amount of time than normal to do it. I also have to learn to become a more disciplined and motivated individual. I have a proclivity for laziness and procrastination. I am perfectly capable of NOT being those things, it's just a matter of pushing myself. And I can do it when I'm passionate about something. I'm passionate baout writing, a bout acting, about literature and politics. And I'm very passionate about G-d and Judaism. Increidbly so. It's like a cleansing for my soul every time I go to services, every time I do a mitzvah, every time I light my Sabbath candles, every time I don my yarmukle.
So perhaps that is in the cards, someday. It's definitely something to ponder, because I can't shake the idea. The idea of being able to serve G-d, to work with people, and to have Judaism as my way of life really fills my heart with a joy I can't describe. It won't be all sweetness and light. it will be unbelievably hard, and it will require more of me than anything else. Working for G-d should require nothing less in my opinion. But while this is not the time, it may not happen until middle age when I've had kids and have saved up money and time, I have this niggling suspicion that it WILL happen. We all have some purpose in life. I have a feeling that Judaism and having children are mine.
But it's too early to say at this point. I'm not even 30 yet, after all ;) But it's good to have ambition, I think. Goals help us move with life rather than just moving through it and that is a great gift. I need to do more of that in my life. I've been stagnant and afraid of losing what little is left of my dignity for far too long.
Bootstraps up!