(no subject)
yay dainas house.
and her mom.
and her leanpockets.
oh and daina.
my date with drew = not so good. the guy is sooo fucking annoying and soooo HAIRY. ew dont see it. well maybe go see it. just dont see it twice or anything. then i really couldnt be your friend.
uuupdate. i went to ballet today. and saw the summer show. it wasnt very good so i didnt feel that bad. but julie made me sad. aand so did yvonne and caprice a tad. and how skinny annakate and taylor were. and all the studios. and how i feel like i was there yesterday taking class. but its been almost two years. and two years ago i basically never left. like i spent so many hours in a week in that fucking studio. and now i completely dont fit in. im some weird visitor that people do a double take of and think wow didnt she used to take here? yea i did and it was like the most important thing to me. like there are moments when i think . why do i do anything else. all i want to do is dance. but thats crap b/c i was also so unhappy when i was doing it so i just dont understand the logic or what the hell all that means. it just makes me soo angry and sad at the same time to be there. like this place represents the best and the worst at the same time and i dont know which one to pick. its definitely the definition of love hate.
i think im going to take ballet this year. mayybeee. i will be so angry with myself if i dont. and im going to do what it takes. im going to get skinny and just do it. and not let my doubts stop me which they always do bc then ill just always regret it. like i regret quitting ..well, everything ive ever quitted. and what is with piano. way to honor this amazing woman who was there for your whole childhood and gave you an amazing gift. by quitting. the moment she dies.
there was this piece that was her favorite piece in the world that i was learning when she died. and its sooo beautiful. and i didnt even finish learning it. or go to her funeral. did she have a funeral?? did i care?
this is really odd. when she died i didnt even care and now here i am having a good cry about something that i thought didnt phase me and happened almost two years ago.
i have to learn that piece. otherwise i am a fucking shiity person. i have so much to do this year. and i have no idea how im going to do it all. i cant decide what to dedicate myself to. like everyone says to follow your dreams right? but i have too many. i have soo many and every single one, when i picture it in my mind, i feel like thats what i want to do, forever. but then i go on the next one, and the same thing happens. and you just cant do them all.. i want to be a dancer, a writer, a singer, a photographer, an ice skater, an actress, an artist, a pianist, an architect, in advertising, a mom, a kid, own a store, save the fucking whales, soooo many things. and somehow i feel like if i were to pick one of or two of these things and decide to do them, i could. but then i would be so angry at myself for not being all the other things. and that just sucks because there is no way i can win. i just cant do it all. and i dont want to do it all. like who wants to do that many things? not really anybody. and obviously i could rule out a few things in that list. but most of them i cant decide between. and half of them its too late for me to do anyway. so im already mad at myself for failing. and what if that had been the thing that i was meant to do and i missed my chance b/c i quit ballet or i quit piano or i quit ice skating or i quit riding horses or i quit gymnastics or i quit trying in general in more ways than one. this is probably my biggest problem in life. that by the time i decide. it will most definitely be too late.
julie is my hero. i know that she hasnt really physically been in my life for a while. but you have to look up to someone. and they have to be a real person. not jennifer garner. maybe she hasnt even done for me what i think she has. maybe i was the one who did it. but either way something about what she did for me back in the day will probably stay with me forever. i wish i could say what it was. but ive never been able to figure it out. and maybe im imagining this. b/c people from ballet would say this is crap. but i just think she sees people on a different level. she knows the games you play and she always calls you on them. but its not a big deal. its just the facts. so. i think she can figure you out. and thats basically all it is. b/c then she knows right away if she wants to help you or not. or if you need it. and if you do. she does this thing. she gives you backbone. but not enough to lean on her or anything. just enough to be like well. julies behind me so i think i can do this. a confidence thing. anyway. shes my hero figure.
apparently westside made it into some la magazine as being the best ballet school in la. i wish i could say i was part of that. like that i went there or something. i hate how i spent so much of my life there. and the fact that i left makes my connection to it completely void. even though it wasnt my fault. some people really fuck you up.
i need to start dancing again. i think ive taken enough time off. if i dont i probably wont be able to live with myself.
i dont know what is going to happpennnnnn!! uugh. this whole little game called life = crap.
and her mom.
and her leanpockets.
oh and daina.
my date with drew = not so good. the guy is sooo fucking annoying and soooo HAIRY. ew dont see it. well maybe go see it. just dont see it twice or anything. then i really couldnt be your friend.
uuupdate. i went to ballet today. and saw the summer show. it wasnt very good so i didnt feel that bad. but julie made me sad. aand so did yvonne and caprice a tad. and how skinny annakate and taylor were. and all the studios. and how i feel like i was there yesterday taking class. but its been almost two years. and two years ago i basically never left. like i spent so many hours in a week in that fucking studio. and now i completely dont fit in. im some weird visitor that people do a double take of and think wow didnt she used to take here? yea i did and it was like the most important thing to me. like there are moments when i think . why do i do anything else. all i want to do is dance. but thats crap b/c i was also so unhappy when i was doing it so i just dont understand the logic or what the hell all that means. it just makes me soo angry and sad at the same time to be there. like this place represents the best and the worst at the same time and i dont know which one to pick. its definitely the definition of love hate.
i think im going to take ballet this year. mayybeee. i will be so angry with myself if i dont. and im going to do what it takes. im going to get skinny and just do it. and not let my doubts stop me which they always do bc then ill just always regret it. like i regret quitting ..well, everything ive ever quitted. and what is with piano. way to honor this amazing woman who was there for your whole childhood and gave you an amazing gift. by quitting. the moment she dies.
there was this piece that was her favorite piece in the world that i was learning when she died. and its sooo beautiful. and i didnt even finish learning it. or go to her funeral. did she have a funeral?? did i care?
this is really odd. when she died i didnt even care and now here i am having a good cry about something that i thought didnt phase me and happened almost two years ago.
i have to learn that piece. otherwise i am a fucking shiity person. i have so much to do this year. and i have no idea how im going to do it all. i cant decide what to dedicate myself to. like everyone says to follow your dreams right? but i have too many. i have soo many and every single one, when i picture it in my mind, i feel like thats what i want to do, forever. but then i go on the next one, and the same thing happens. and you just cant do them all.. i want to be a dancer, a writer, a singer, a photographer, an ice skater, an actress, an artist, a pianist, an architect, in advertising, a mom, a kid, own a store, save the fucking whales, soooo many things. and somehow i feel like if i were to pick one of or two of these things and decide to do them, i could. but then i would be so angry at myself for not being all the other things. and that just sucks because there is no way i can win. i just cant do it all. and i dont want to do it all. like who wants to do that many things? not really anybody. and obviously i could rule out a few things in that list. but most of them i cant decide between. and half of them its too late for me to do anyway. so im already mad at myself for failing. and what if that had been the thing that i was meant to do and i missed my chance b/c i quit ballet or i quit piano or i quit ice skating or i quit riding horses or i quit gymnastics or i quit trying in general in more ways than one. this is probably my biggest problem in life. that by the time i decide. it will most definitely be too late.
julie is my hero. i know that she hasnt really physically been in my life for a while. but you have to look up to someone. and they have to be a real person. not jennifer garner. maybe she hasnt even done for me what i think she has. maybe i was the one who did it. but either way something about what she did for me back in the day will probably stay with me forever. i wish i could say what it was. but ive never been able to figure it out. and maybe im imagining this. b/c people from ballet would say this is crap. but i just think she sees people on a different level. she knows the games you play and she always calls you on them. but its not a big deal. its just the facts. so. i think she can figure you out. and thats basically all it is. b/c then she knows right away if she wants to help you or not. or if you need it. and if you do. she does this thing. she gives you backbone. but not enough to lean on her or anything. just enough to be like well. julies behind me so i think i can do this. a confidence thing. anyway. shes my hero figure.
apparently westside made it into some la magazine as being the best ballet school in la. i wish i could say i was part of that. like that i went there or something. i hate how i spent so much of my life there. and the fact that i left makes my connection to it completely void. even though it wasnt my fault. some people really fuck you up.
i need to start dancing again. i think ive taken enough time off. if i dont i probably wont be able to live with myself.
i dont know what is going to happpennnnnn!! uugh. this whole little game called life = crap.