Insight Into the Mind of Crystal Nash
As some of you may or may not have noticed, I've been quite depressed over the past month and a half. Those of you *and you know who you are* who have noticed probably were quite offended by my last journal entry, and for that I do apologize. I may not have very many friends listed on my livejournal, but I know there is a significant amount of people who do watch it. It's not that I'm really upset with some of you, but it's quite disheartening when the vast majority of the people who are supposed to be clossest to you don't/can't seem to notice when something is seriosly wrong when I leave plenty of hints. So for those of you who have been paying attention and are going "What the hell is going on?" I shall give you a glimps of what had been going on in Crysal's world that you probably don't know about.
Most of you know that over the past year my parents went through a very nasty and bitter divorce. While I was in Colorado the tension between my parents hadn't improoved so my dad layed a task on me which I was not very happy about. My dad wants to take my sister and me to Mexico with one of his freinds family. The issue is that Jeanette is not 18 and therefor can not leave the country without a written approval from my mom. My job was to get my mom to sign the release form because if it wasn't signed by the end of January we wouldn't be able to go. Isn't that a wonderful pressure for my dad to lay on me. You either get your mother to sign this form for your sister or we don't go. Well my mom didn't sign it while I was in town although I aproached her several times about it and she assured me that she would sign it eventually. So I go back to Hays, and guess what. My dad still nags ME about it. As if I could do anything about it while I'm 350 miles away from home.
Issue number 2 also originates from my dad. My dad demands good grades in order for me to keep attending college. What he fails to realize is that recieving and maintaining a 3.0 GPA is easier said than done. Last semester was the semester from hell and I had a hard time keeping up and my grades noticably suffered from it. So I've been recieving hell about it from my dad for the past 2 months. It's breaking me from the inside out. I can't keep living up to his expectations with the constant fear that if I screw up I will have to move back home because all of my funds will effectively be cut off, and believe me when I say I'd rather cut off connections with my family than move back home with the word "failure" hanging over my head.
Number 3 is quite easy to explain. My neighbor is a psyco and I'm scared to go in and out of my house because of it. He has a lot of mental problems, just got out of jail, and has an intrest in me. He's constantly watching me from either his window or his door and he sometimes comes out to greet me in nothing but his shorts. Oh, and the cops can't do anything about it. So....ya.
What I'm about to say is probably going to enlighten a lot of people about the psyche behind me. I hate to say this, but those of you who think you know me have probably only hit the tip of the iceburg. I have the ability to put on a good face and greet the world as if nothing is wrong with me. To most of you I'm probably one of the content people out there. I laugh a lot and give the aperance of always being easily amused. I talk a lot about the things I like, and when I do apear to be sad it's because there is something wrong with a family member or one of my friends. While this is indeed part of my personality the fact is that this presentation is also a lie. You see what I want you to see. I don't often apear to be sad or lonely in the presense of others but that's what I am. For example: if you talked to me on the day of my last journal entry, than you would have never guessed there was something wrong. The only time you can really see the true me, and that incorperates my good and bad emotions, is through my writting. It's one of the reasons why I keep this livejournal going. Seriously, go through my most recent entries and look at the emotions that I was having at the time. I bet you'll be suprised.
There are a great many more issues that have contributed to my depression, but I really don't have the time to type them all out, and I don't think I really want to share them anyways. I know I'm depressed, and I know that the only way to really fix it is for something in my life to change. I haven't figured out what it is that needs to change, just that it does. Till then I will probably keep pretending in the real world, and I probably won't talk to you about it. I might talk to you about an individual problem though, but it's not in my nature to talk about darker side of me unless your name is Zac.
So I hope this helps clarify a couple of things for some people, and enlighten others. I know some of you will still try to talk to me about this, but please don't. If you attempt to try through the internet or a phone call I will simply ignore you untill you let it drop. If you try to talk to me in person than I will leave.
Now if you'll excuse me. I have to actually sleep now.
Most of you know that over the past year my parents went through a very nasty and bitter divorce. While I was in Colorado the tension between my parents hadn't improoved so my dad layed a task on me which I was not very happy about. My dad wants to take my sister and me to Mexico with one of his freinds family. The issue is that Jeanette is not 18 and therefor can not leave the country without a written approval from my mom. My job was to get my mom to sign the release form because if it wasn't signed by the end of January we wouldn't be able to go. Isn't that a wonderful pressure for my dad to lay on me. You either get your mother to sign this form for your sister or we don't go. Well my mom didn't sign it while I was in town although I aproached her several times about it and she assured me that she would sign it eventually. So I go back to Hays, and guess what. My dad still nags ME about it. As if I could do anything about it while I'm 350 miles away from home.
Issue number 2 also originates from my dad. My dad demands good grades in order for me to keep attending college. What he fails to realize is that recieving and maintaining a 3.0 GPA is easier said than done. Last semester was the semester from hell and I had a hard time keeping up and my grades noticably suffered from it. So I've been recieving hell about it from my dad for the past 2 months. It's breaking me from the inside out. I can't keep living up to his expectations with the constant fear that if I screw up I will have to move back home because all of my funds will effectively be cut off, and believe me when I say I'd rather cut off connections with my family than move back home with the word "failure" hanging over my head.
Number 3 is quite easy to explain. My neighbor is a psyco and I'm scared to go in and out of my house because of it. He has a lot of mental problems, just got out of jail, and has an intrest in me. He's constantly watching me from either his window or his door and he sometimes comes out to greet me in nothing but his shorts. Oh, and the cops can't do anything about it. So....ya.
What I'm about to say is probably going to enlighten a lot of people about the psyche behind me. I hate to say this, but those of you who think you know me have probably only hit the tip of the iceburg. I have the ability to put on a good face and greet the world as if nothing is wrong with me. To most of you I'm probably one of the content people out there. I laugh a lot and give the aperance of always being easily amused. I talk a lot about the things I like, and when I do apear to be sad it's because there is something wrong with a family member or one of my friends. While this is indeed part of my personality the fact is that this presentation is also a lie. You see what I want you to see. I don't often apear to be sad or lonely in the presense of others but that's what I am. For example: if you talked to me on the day of my last journal entry, than you would have never guessed there was something wrong. The only time you can really see the true me, and that incorperates my good and bad emotions, is through my writting. It's one of the reasons why I keep this livejournal going. Seriously, go through my most recent entries and look at the emotions that I was having at the time. I bet you'll be suprised.
There are a great many more issues that have contributed to my depression, but I really don't have the time to type them all out, and I don't think I really want to share them anyways. I know I'm depressed, and I know that the only way to really fix it is for something in my life to change. I haven't figured out what it is that needs to change, just that it does. Till then I will probably keep pretending in the real world, and I probably won't talk to you about it. I might talk to you about an individual problem though, but it's not in my nature to talk about darker side of me unless your name is Zac.
So I hope this helps clarify a couple of things for some people, and enlighten others. I know some of you will still try to talk to me about this, but please don't. If you attempt to try through the internet or a phone call I will simply ignore you untill you let it drop. If you try to talk to me in person than I will leave.
Now if you'll excuse me. I have to actually sleep now.