Best Friends
This is Birthday present part 2 for my beloved, omgorgasm. happy birthday monica bb, my comment fic writing, love revolutionary ♥
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Best Friends
~
The first person Yesung meets after he’s signed away all the papers and his soul and all the rules are laid out and he finally walks into the practice rooms that held his dreams is a man with long hair and smiling eyes.
The taller man is laughing loudly at something someone- a man with sharp, feminine features- is saying and his laugh is high pitched and he very nearly snorts water out of his nose he’s laughing so hard.
It’s crazy and ungraceful and shocking. Yesung thinks that this man is amazing.
~
Jungsu.
Yesung learns it from one of the other trainees, a man with a hearty laugh and strong muscles that wraps an arm easily around the thin man.
When he finally masters up enough courage to introduce himself, hes greeted with a nod and a quick smile.
“I’m Eeteuk.”
Eeteuk. Eeteuk. Jungsu.
~
He is put in a class with some of the other singers, and they have gorgeous voices that make Yesung choke slightly the first time he hears it.
There’s a boy named Jaejoong and when he opens his mouth, it drowns out everything and the only one that can really compare is someone called Junsu, who has the most distinctive voice Yesung has ever heard; something between a sigh and a laugh and it’s absolutely breathtaking to listen to.
Yesung dreams of singing with them on stage, to watch eyes widen in amazement and hear breaths hitch in awe as all their voices mix and soar.
Then Yesung is left to practice alone, because Jaejoong and Junsu are singing together now, in their new little world without Yesung and he listens to them together, to Junsu’s new voice, to the other three foreign voices now filtering in and out and he clutches his throat and screams without sound.
~
Yesung doesn’t quite know what to do when he’s dragged along as they visit the DBSK dorms for the first time. Junsu is off with Hyukjae and Sungmin and their laughter resonates through the walls and Yunho is being bombarded with questions by Donghae and Heechul at the same time and he looks slightly dazed. Jaejoong had dragged Hankyung into the kitchen and Yoochun had wandered in sometimes afterwards and there’s delicious smells and soft laughter flowing out into the living room.
Yesung is sitting in the corner nursing a beer when a tall boy with a bright smile popped down next to him.
“Hi, I’m Changmin”
“Hi, I’m Joongwoon.”
They smile and Yesung has a new phone number in his phone afterwards.
~
Yesung thinks that maybe the world isn’t fair.
There’s nothing fair about how he’s pushed into the back of every photoshoot and album cover and he’s always somewhere where they can put words over his body or immediately next to him. He goes from being indignant and angry to being thankful that at least his face is showing this time.
There’s nothing fair about being pushed into a group of loud, gorgeous people where talent only counted some of the time and every minute of screen time and every strand of popularity had to be battled for.
And as he watches DBSK on stage, he think that there’s certainly nothing fair about being taken roughly from his dream and forced into another.
(and now his dream was all the wrong shape and there’s a bit broken off and pieces flaking off)
~
There’s absolute chaos the first time they enter their own dorms and everyone fight over the beds and Donghae and Hyukjae are smacking each other with pillows for the top bunk and Hankyung looks bewildered as Shiwon plops himself down on the Chinese man’s bed and pouts until Hankyung lets him stay. Yesung is almost bowled over by Kangin as he dives onto the bed beside the window and Sungmin is almost unpacked by the time Yesung realizes he’s still standing there, with his suitcase beside him.
Then Eeteuk walks up to him with a sigh and takes his suitcase to a double bed near the door and Yesung smiles at their leader, but the older man is already whispering in Heechul’s ear.
They all sit around watching TV later and somehow they forgot to leave a seat for him and Yesung just stands around awkwardly until Eeteuk tells everyone to go to bed.
Yesung smiles at Eeteuk again and he brushes a hand against the other’s shoulder. “Thank you for being my friend.”
Eeteuk stares at him and tells him to go to sleep.
~
The next time Yesung enters the studio, there’s a petite boy with long lashes and rosy cheeks and Yesung thinks he looks like a doll that needs to be kept away in a glass cabinet.
They talk and Ryeowook stares at the floor a lot and he’s so painfully shy that Yesung doesn’t even know how anyone thinks someone like this can survive in the entertainment industry or sing in front of an audience.
Then Ryeowook goes from clearing his throat to hitting a high C in less than a breath and Yesung doesn’t open his mouth for the rest of the song, because he was suppose to have the most beautiful voice in the band; he was Yesung.
~
Yesung feels like he’s swallowed too many pills all of a sudden when he’s talking to Changmin one night and he hears Kibum over the phone and they sound like they’re laughing and suddenly Kibum is on the phone.
“Why are you at Changmin’s?” It comes out casual and pleasantly surprised and Kibum doesn’t seem to hear the stutter in his voice, “He’s my best friend.”
Yesung says goodbye and hangs up without talking to Changmin as the words ‘Best friend’ echoes in his brain.
He feels like he is stealing something from Kibum.
~
Eeteuk tells Yesung a secret one night as they are lying in bed.
“I think there are too many people in this band” It comes out casual and sleepy. They all had too much alcohol and dancing beforehand.
Yesung stares at their leader with wonder and gratitude and he tells Eeteuk about how he was bullied at school and almost bashed to death once.
Eeteuk stares at him like he’s crazy and mutters, “I was just saying you know.”
Yesung doesn’t sleep till hours after, because they had shared secrets and that made their relationship special.
He wondered if Eeteuk would like a best friend.
~
The activities are hectic and they’re all somewhere between exhilaration and exhaustion and there’s a ragged look in Eeteuk’s eyes and something else he can’t read, and he knows that Heechul can read it by the way they lean their heads together and Eeteuk always looks up with a brighter smile. Sometimes, he thinks Donghae or Hankyung can read it too, because Yesung hears the soft mutters and the even softer squeezes. Yesung can’t read it.
(because Eeteuk doesn’t let him)
Then Eeteuk shows it to Yesung one night, eyes wide and there’s a glint of wetness there as they lie in the dark and finally Yesung sees it- the doubt.
“Am I a good leader? Would you willingly follow me?”
“Of course, Eeteuk hyung”
He’s rewarded with a smile.
I’d follow you anywhere.
~
Changmin still calls and Yesung doesn’t hang up, because Kibum doesn’t seem to mind at all and Yesung doesn’t feel so bad anymore.
Changmin tells him about how he can’t keep up with Jaejoong and Junsu in their lessons and Yesung gives him pointers over the phone and they sing at each other for hours sometimes.
Yesung tells Changmin about how they can’t be too close, because Kibum might get jealous and Changmin just sounds plain confused.
“But he’s my best friend.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
There’s a long pause and Yesung thinks Changmin has hung up.
“Okay then, we don’t have to be best friends, but we can still talk.”
“Okay.”
They talk till three in the morning, even though they both have schedules in a few hours and Yesung is smiling as he falls asleep.
~
The teacher tells Yesung that he and Ryeowook are going to be brilliant together and that they’ll be the foundations of the entire band in each song.
They sing each song easily, the notes not at all challenging and their voices mix and it’s all low, husky chords mixed with spiraling, soaring crescendos and Yesung wonders why something just doesn’t sound right when they sound so beautiful.
It’s an autumn afternoon when someone else joins their group and he has sparkling eyes, messy bed hair and long, lanky limbs. His voice is low and smooth and enthralling and he hits a falsetto as easy as he blinks.
Something lights up in Ryeowook’s eyes and Yesung stops singing.
~
“Hyung, do you have a best friend?” He asks just before bed one day.
Do you want to be my best friend? His eyes ask as he stares at the older man.
“Yeah,” Eeteuk mutters, “Chullie I guess.”
Yesung nods and turns the light off and he doesn’t cry because it was Heechul and Heechul was a thousand times more gorgeous and popular and fun than he could ever hope to be.
Eeteuk deserves a best friend like that. Not one that was introverted and uncertain and awkward.
(Not one like him.)
~
Changmin doesn’t call for a few days and Yesung picks up on the first ring when he finally does.
“Hey”
“Hey”
They talk about new songs and how Hyukjae ran into a door and how Yoochun accidentally walked into a strip club and Changmin stumbles over Jaejoong’s name and Yesung chokes over Eeteuk’s and they both pretend to not have heard and they keep talking about everything and nothing.
~
It’s the middle of summer and the air conditioners aren’t working and Yesung is stuck in a tiny recording room, singing back up to Ryeowook and Kyuhyun and he’s stuck with all the minor keys and low notes and he makes sure his voice isn’t overpowering, because he was just Yesung and he wasn’t really meant to be heard.
He’s sweating like crazy and he stares in amazement at Kyuhyun who is barely looking flushed and he wonders why everything had to be this way.
He hits all the notes perfectly, not that it matters, because it’s drowned out beneath Kyuhyun’s low, heartaching storytelling and Ryeowook’s perfect soaring emotions. Yesung sings flawlessly and then he shuts his mouth, lips pressed together firmly as Kyuhyun twirls Ryeowook around, the soft bubbling laughter filling the room like poisonous gas and Yesung can’t breathe all of a sudden. He runs out amidst congratulations being showered upon the duo and the image of Ryeowook blushing as their magnae nuzzled his neck.
No one stops Yesung on the way out; no one congratulates him.
~
It’s exactly like Yesung imagined it.
There’s ecstatic screaming and mesmerized sighs and the adoration and infatuation pouring from the fans and Yesung belts out each note like his life depends on it and he’s singing his heart out and the fans are all on their feet as the last note falls.
Yesung smiles and lets his eyes unfocus, till all he can see is a sea of blue and not the signs, banners and boards with every name except his own.
It’s moments like this that Yesung can pretend that the applause is for him too.
~
Yesung doesn’t tell the others, except Eeteuk, because it’s Eeteuk and even though the other has never said anything, they’re best friends and best friends don’t have secrets.
He tells the other about the secret gym visits and the abs that he’s been building through blood and sweat and Eeteuk nods and smiles a little. “It’ll be good for the album promotions.”
Yesung grins because Eeteuk approves and what Eeteuk thinks matter more than anything.
Then the day of the photoshoot, Yesung walks out in his vest and it’s fitting and small enough to show off his new figure.
No one notices because Shiwon is practically not wearing anything and those low slung pants show off a physique that Yesung can never hope to achieve. Even Hankyung and Kibum are sporting new muscles and the only time anyone says anything is when Hankyung turns to him and smiles that gentle smile and tells him that he looks good.
Yesung’s heart soars and he has a hard time keeping a straight face throughout the shoot.
Maybe Eeteuk wasn’t his only friend.
~
He tells Changmin about the shoot and he mentions the lighting and Hankyung’s hair and the concept and Siwon’s abs and Hankyung complimenting him and Sungmin’s haircut and Hankyung’s smile and Changmin pauses.
“Be careful hyung…Hankyung hyung is…” There’s a breath that catches sharply and Yesung can’t quite decipher the emotion crackling through the receiver and he’s not sure what to expect, but he certainly doesn’t expect “…Pain.”
Yesung bristles and he’s about to yell at Changmin for saying such a ridiculous thing about his hyung, when a hollow edge creeps into Changmin’s voice and there’s the slightest hint of a quiver, but Yesung’s trained ears pick up on it immediately.
“Trust me hyung, I know.”
Yesung doesn’t ask what the other mean.
(he thinks he understands when he sees the way Donghae stare at the Chinese man as they dance; so desperately that it looks like he's dying and how Hyukjae stands in the practice room and his hands are grasping at the empty air where Hankyung had been moments before)
~
“Hyung,” he asks as they are preparing dinner, “after Heechul hyung, who’s your second best friend?”
“You only have one best friend, idiot.” There was a guarded, wary look in those eyes.
“But just say, your second closest friend then?”
There’s the briefest of a pause and Yesung prays to hear his name.
“Kangin”
They prepare the rest of the dinner in silence and Yesung offers to cut the onions just so no one will notice the tears prickling against his lashes.
~
He watches Hankyung and Donghae dance in the middle of the floor and the way their feet barely seemed to touch the ground and Yesung swears he feels dizzy, because he doesn’t even want to miss a second.
Hyukjae and Shindong were discussing possible dance steps for their new song and Yesung scoots over and offers his opinions and the conversation dies as they stare at Yesung.
Hyukjae pats him on the back and tells him to just focus on the singing and leave the dancing to them, then he goes and drags Hankyung and Donghae into their discussion.
He glances over at Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and Sungmin over in the corner and he hears the clear note Sungmin hits even across the room. Kyuhyun grins and Ryeowook beams and they high five and laugh and Yesung goes and sits down next to a sleeping Eeteuk whose head was drooping. Yesung puts Eeteuk’s head on his shoulder.
This was the only place he was needed.
~
“Who’s next?”
There’s no pause this time. “Donghae.”
Eeteuk doesn’t have to tell him this time; Yesung turns off the lights himself.
~
Hankyung is under a table searching on the ground and Donghae, Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are peeking into jars and in drawers and even the bin when Yesung walks in.
“What’s going on? Did you guys lose something?”
Hankyung looks like he’s about to burst into tears and Kyuhyun shoots him a glare enough to scorch and Ryeowook hurriedly drags him out of the kitchen to tell him that Hankyung has lost his ring.
His friendship ring with Jaejoong.
They find it later in the flour bowl and Hankyung is crying in relief into Donghae’s neck and Kyuhyun is rubbing his back and Hankyung is so happy that he hugs every single one of them, Yesung included.
The next day, Yesung hands the little velvet box to Eeteuk with a smile and the gasp as Eeteuk opens the box makes him excited. He doesn’t understand when Eeteuk shoves the box back at him. “Why the hell are you giving me a ring?”
Yesung’s smile fades a tiny bit. “Because you’re my best friend. And best friends give each other rings, Jaejoong gave Hanky-”
Eeteuk laughs, disbelieving and low. “Jaejoong gave Hankyung that ring, because he’s fucking in love with him. And Hankyung treasures it, because he loves Jaejoong too much to not.” Eeteuk shakes his head and glances at him. “Are you fucking in love with me?” There’s a roll of eyes and Eeteuk flips the light switch.
Yesung lies in the dark and wonders why Eeteuk doesn’t love him enough to treasure his gift then. Because Yesung was fucking in love with Eeteuk.
~
Yesung is on his sixth bottle of something, (he can’t remember and his eyes blur too much to read it and all he knows is that it burns) when he somehow manages to dial Changmin.
“I’m fucking in love with him,” he slurs and Changmin doesn’t say anything and when he finally does, it’s asking where Yesung is.
Yesung just yells that he loves him, that he fucking loves him, until the bartender takes the phone and the next thing he knows is waking up in his own bed and there’s a note stuck to his desk, with the words ‘I know.’
~
He goes to audition for a role, a movie role and it’s about ghosts and secret longing and secrets and loneliness and it’s perfect for Yesung. He slides into the role like it’s molded for him and one of the woman is actually staring at him wide eyed as he runs through the audition.
A week later, Yesung stares at the promotional posters and he finds Kim Kibum staring back at him instead of Kim Joongwoon.
He walks down the street to go get more beer for the celebration party for Kibum.
No one knew who Kim Joongwoon was anyway.
~
Changmin calls him out to the park and they sit on the swings in sunglasses and beanies and Yesung thinks this is ridiculous, but he doesn’t say anything, because Changmin hasn’t anything at all for the past hour.
There’a a phone shoved at him and Yesung glances at the photos moving across the screen and he doesn’t understand, because it’s Jaejoong and Hankyung, Jaejoong and Junsu, Jaejoong and Yunho, Jaejoong and Yoochun, Jaejoong and Hankyung again…
And then he does understand and the realization makes him gasp.
Changmin looks at him with hollow, sad eyes. “I’m in love with him,” a lifeless chuckle, “I’m fucking in love with him.”
They sit on the swings until Eeteuk calls to ask where the hell he is.
~
The world isn’t fair and Yesung thinks that’s okay, because at least he still had Eeteuk.
Eeteuk lets Yesung closer now, a touch here and there, a quick hug in front of the cameras and they share whispers over schedules and camera angles.
Eeteuk smiles at Yesung sometimes, only sometimes and Yesung doesn’t mind that he has to work for those smiles, because each time it actually happens, it’s as if a blinding light had been turned on and Yesung has to remember to breathe.
It’s still the same in their bedroom though, Eeteuk would always go around and put all the members to sleep and he’d be gone so long, that Yesung would be almost asleep by the time their leader comes back. He never does though, because he forces himself to stay awake as he listens to the sound of shouts and laughter echoing through the wall, because this time spent before going to bed was their time, their only time.
The laughter is still lingering on those lips and there’s still warm affection in those eyes when Eeteuk walks in.
By the time Eeteuk slides into bed, there’s only nothingness and Yesung reaches out to try to bring that affection back.
Eeteuk rolls over and turns his back to Yesung and Yesung doesn’t try to touch again.
~
“And then?
“...Hankyung.”
There’s a silence and Yesung breathes quietly as another piece of his heart breaks off and he wonders when it’ll be his name being whispered.
Part of him wonders if maybe he’s already missed his name. Part of him wonders if he’s name will ever be called.
~
He comes home one day and there’s shifting and moving and general chaos. Shiwon shouts to him that they are switching rooms, as he balances a pile of books and blankets precariously in one hand a bunch of sheets in the other.
Shiwon is bunked up with Donghae now and Yesung isn’t with Eeteuk anymore, he’s in a room with Hankyung and Ryeowook. There’s posters and fluffy toys and a floor length mirror and everything’s impeccably stacked and the sunlight filters through the open window. There’s laughter and music and soft Chinese and Siwon and Donghae and Kyuhyun pop in every few minutes and the room actually feels lived in.
Yesung feels like he’s in the bottom of a well watching the happy children dance around the top.
The others all give their sympathies to Hankyung for having to be with Yewook and they rib Yesung about getting a double bed all to himself.
Yesung’s lying in bed, pressed to the wall because he’s used to always sleeping on one side and never crossing the invisible divide. He glances at the mirror and the twin figures cuddled together on the other bed, the moonlight flitting across high cheekbones and thick lashes and small smiles. Yesung curls up closer and he tries not to glance at the space beside him.
If he doesn’t look, it’s almost like Eeteuk is still right there.
~
Yesung and Changmin come home and they see Hankyung sleeping on the couch and Jaejoong is brushing a hair out of his face and leaning closer and there’s such obvious affection that Yesung feels Changmin freeze up and he drags the taller man away.
“I hate Hankyung.” It comes out a whisper, hissed and ragged.
Yesung doesn’t realize that he’s moved, until his hand contacts sharply with Changmin’s face. “Stop being stupid.”
Changmin’s still reeling from the slap, but his eyes narrow. “What?”
“They’re best friends Changmin. They love each other, it’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with Jaejoong loving Hankyung.”
Changmin’s face twist, but there’s no anger there now. “Best friends aren’t suppose to fall in love, hyung.”
Yesung doesn’t say anything, but he pulls Changmin close and brushes his hair until the other falls into a fitful sleep.
They’re not meant to, but they do anyway.
~
He gives and gives and sometimes, Yesung feels like he’s going to bleed out and all he’ll have left is a dried up shell lying in his bed.
It’s the middle of dinner and he asks something about a movie and no one really answers because they’re having the most delicious beef Yesung has ever tasted, but he notices because Eeteuk doesn’t answer either and Yesung follows their leader’s gaze to Siwon and Kyuhyun, both of whom are placing food on Hankyung’s plate and Hankyung tells them off and shoves the food back, but he’s still smiling.
Eeteuk’s gaze is dark and Yesung has to wash down the beef with a whole cup of water.
~
It’s different this time; a different question, a different place.
They’re in the kitchen and Yesung asks whilst leaning against the bench, his back facing Eeteuk.
“Is there someone you like, hyung?”
There’s a long pause and Yesung hears the tick tock of the clock behind them.
“Yes.”
The ticking gets louder.
~
The corridors are white and Yesung thinks it’s the most horrible color, because everything here was white and there’s nothing to take his attention away from the figures all squashed on the plastic chairs and leaning against the walls and even sitting on the ground.
No one is talking and the only sounds are the occasional sniffles and the uncomfortable shuffling.
A man in a white coat comes out and he rambles off medical jargon and most of them blink confusedly until the words ‘liver disease’ and ‘needs surgery’ reaches their ears and then everyone understands.
There’s somebody crying and someone else punching a wall and some other person sliding down the wall and Yesung just stares at the ugly twist that crosses Eeteuk’s face and there’s something broken in those eyes as Yesung touches those shaking hands.
The next thing Yesung knows, he’s being shoved inside a cleaning closet and there’s a broom digging into his shoulder and something rectangular pressing into his cheek.
His pants are pooled around his ankles and there are hands jerking hard at his member, hard enough to hurt, but it’s Eeteuk and Yesung is hard in a matter of moments. There are teeth on his neck, leaving vivid indentations all over soft skin and a hand clenched around his hip hard enough to bruise. Fingers are shoved inside of him and there’s no preparation and no lube, only skin twsting against skin and the scrape of nails and everything burns.
Yesung knows he should just keep his mouth shut and enjoy this, because Eeteuk was touching him and this was what he had dreamed about. Then he thinks of Changmin and the words slip out anyways.
“You’re in love with Hankyung.”
Everything stops and the burning freezes and then all the heat and skin and Eeteuk is gone all at once and Yesung is shoved hard into the brooms and then he’s all alone in the dark of the closet.
He sits there and he doesn’t cry, but he may as well have.
~
He doesn’t tell Changmin, but there’s an edge in the other’s voice when they talk and it slices through the air, spiraling through the phone and cutting right into Yesung.
“Stop it, hyung”
“Stop what?”
The phone clicks and Yesung sits there cradling the phone for the rest of the night.
~
Yesung sees Eeteuk sitting by the bed holding one of Hankyung’s hands, whilst Donghae held the other one. When Donghae goes into the bathroom, Eeteuk turns around and stares at Yesung.
“You don’t know anything about me, so stop assuming you know who I like, because you don’t. You don’t have any idea.”
“Of course I know about you! We’re best-”
“Best what? Best friends?” Eeteuk shoves Yesung up against the wall and growls in his ear, “You’re not my fucking best friend, Yesung. So what the hell do you want from me?!”
Yesung is trying not to choke. “I want you-”
Eeteuk growls in disgust and smashes their mouth together and Yesung wants to push him away, but he can’t because this was Jungsu, no more Eeteuk, no more facades and it hurts how beautiful he is (so beautiful that Yesung doesn’t even care that he’s being ripped apart)
The older man leaves him to slide down the wall and Yesung thinks he’s such a beautiful destruction.
I want you to care.
~
The next time Yesung walk along the stark white corridors, it leads him into a room with white walls and white sheets. Jaejoong and Junsu are both there and so are the others and they’re all crowded around Hankyung’s bed and offering him anything from bananas to a song to any dance he wants to watch.
They turn and nod at him and then Jaejoong’s back to affectionately scolding Hankyung for not noticing sooner and Junsu is babbling worriedly and Yunho is smiling at everyone affectionately and Yoochun is switching between Korean and English, forgetting that Hankyung wasn’t fluent in either.
Changmin takes Yesung’s arm and leads him into the bathroom.
“Stop being stupid.”
“What?”
There’s a photo shoved under his nose and it’s of Jaejoong and Hankyung smiling at each other, their eyes crinkled in laughter and there was cream on their lips and cheeks and fingers as they hovered over a mixing bowl.
Yesung looks up sharply, concerned, only to see Changmin smiling.
“I took that photo hyung.”
“Why? How can you-”
Changmin bends and stares straight into his eyes. “Because I’ve stopped being stupid.”
Yesung stares at Changmin’s brighter eyes and easier smile and he thinks he understands.
~
“We’re not best friends, Changmin.”
“I know.”
“Then what are we?”
They don’t turn to face each other, but Yesung can feel the smile that crosses Changmin’s face.
“Anything you want us to be.”
Anything.
~
Everything.
//
♥
******************************
Best Friends
~
The first person Yesung meets after he’s signed away all the papers and his soul and all the rules are laid out and he finally walks into the practice rooms that held his dreams is a man with long hair and smiling eyes.
The taller man is laughing loudly at something someone- a man with sharp, feminine features- is saying and his laugh is high pitched and he very nearly snorts water out of his nose he’s laughing so hard.
It’s crazy and ungraceful and shocking. Yesung thinks that this man is amazing.
~
Jungsu.
Yesung learns it from one of the other trainees, a man with a hearty laugh and strong muscles that wraps an arm easily around the thin man.
When he finally masters up enough courage to introduce himself, hes greeted with a nod and a quick smile.
“I’m Eeteuk.”
Eeteuk. Eeteuk. Jungsu.
~
He is put in a class with some of the other singers, and they have gorgeous voices that make Yesung choke slightly the first time he hears it.
There’s a boy named Jaejoong and when he opens his mouth, it drowns out everything and the only one that can really compare is someone called Junsu, who has the most distinctive voice Yesung has ever heard; something between a sigh and a laugh and it’s absolutely breathtaking to listen to.
Yesung dreams of singing with them on stage, to watch eyes widen in amazement and hear breaths hitch in awe as all their voices mix and soar.
Then Yesung is left to practice alone, because Jaejoong and Junsu are singing together now, in their new little world without Yesung and he listens to them together, to Junsu’s new voice, to the other three foreign voices now filtering in and out and he clutches his throat and screams without sound.
~
Yesung doesn’t quite know what to do when he’s dragged along as they visit the DBSK dorms for the first time. Junsu is off with Hyukjae and Sungmin and their laughter resonates through the walls and Yunho is being bombarded with questions by Donghae and Heechul at the same time and he looks slightly dazed. Jaejoong had dragged Hankyung into the kitchen and Yoochun had wandered in sometimes afterwards and there’s delicious smells and soft laughter flowing out into the living room.
Yesung is sitting in the corner nursing a beer when a tall boy with a bright smile popped down next to him.
“Hi, I’m Changmin”
“Hi, I’m Joongwoon.”
They smile and Yesung has a new phone number in his phone afterwards.
~
Yesung thinks that maybe the world isn’t fair.
There’s nothing fair about how he’s pushed into the back of every photoshoot and album cover and he’s always somewhere where they can put words over his body or immediately next to him. He goes from being indignant and angry to being thankful that at least his face is showing this time.
There’s nothing fair about being pushed into a group of loud, gorgeous people where talent only counted some of the time and every minute of screen time and every strand of popularity had to be battled for.
And as he watches DBSK on stage, he think that there’s certainly nothing fair about being taken roughly from his dream and forced into another.
(and now his dream was all the wrong shape and there’s a bit broken off and pieces flaking off)
~
There’s absolute chaos the first time they enter their own dorms and everyone fight over the beds and Donghae and Hyukjae are smacking each other with pillows for the top bunk and Hankyung looks bewildered as Shiwon plops himself down on the Chinese man’s bed and pouts until Hankyung lets him stay. Yesung is almost bowled over by Kangin as he dives onto the bed beside the window and Sungmin is almost unpacked by the time Yesung realizes he’s still standing there, with his suitcase beside him.
Then Eeteuk walks up to him with a sigh and takes his suitcase to a double bed near the door and Yesung smiles at their leader, but the older man is already whispering in Heechul’s ear.
They all sit around watching TV later and somehow they forgot to leave a seat for him and Yesung just stands around awkwardly until Eeteuk tells everyone to go to bed.
Yesung smiles at Eeteuk again and he brushes a hand against the other’s shoulder. “Thank you for being my friend.”
Eeteuk stares at him and tells him to go to sleep.
~
The next time Yesung enters the studio, there’s a petite boy with long lashes and rosy cheeks and Yesung thinks he looks like a doll that needs to be kept away in a glass cabinet.
They talk and Ryeowook stares at the floor a lot and he’s so painfully shy that Yesung doesn’t even know how anyone thinks someone like this can survive in the entertainment industry or sing in front of an audience.
Then Ryeowook goes from clearing his throat to hitting a high C in less than a breath and Yesung doesn’t open his mouth for the rest of the song, because he was suppose to have the most beautiful voice in the band; he was Yesung.
~
Yesung feels like he’s swallowed too many pills all of a sudden when he’s talking to Changmin one night and he hears Kibum over the phone and they sound like they’re laughing and suddenly Kibum is on the phone.
“Why are you at Changmin’s?” It comes out casual and pleasantly surprised and Kibum doesn’t seem to hear the stutter in his voice, “He’s my best friend.”
Yesung says goodbye and hangs up without talking to Changmin as the words ‘Best friend’ echoes in his brain.
He feels like he is stealing something from Kibum.
~
Eeteuk tells Yesung a secret one night as they are lying in bed.
“I think there are too many people in this band” It comes out casual and sleepy. They all had too much alcohol and dancing beforehand.
Yesung stares at their leader with wonder and gratitude and he tells Eeteuk about how he was bullied at school and almost bashed to death once.
Eeteuk stares at him like he’s crazy and mutters, “I was just saying you know.”
Yesung doesn’t sleep till hours after, because they had shared secrets and that made their relationship special.
He wondered if Eeteuk would like a best friend.
~
The activities are hectic and they’re all somewhere between exhilaration and exhaustion and there’s a ragged look in Eeteuk’s eyes and something else he can’t read, and he knows that Heechul can read it by the way they lean their heads together and Eeteuk always looks up with a brighter smile. Sometimes, he thinks Donghae or Hankyung can read it too, because Yesung hears the soft mutters and the even softer squeezes. Yesung can’t read it.
(because Eeteuk doesn’t let him)
Then Eeteuk shows it to Yesung one night, eyes wide and there’s a glint of wetness there as they lie in the dark and finally Yesung sees it- the doubt.
“Am I a good leader? Would you willingly follow me?”
“Of course, Eeteuk hyung”
He’s rewarded with a smile.
I’d follow you anywhere.
~
Changmin still calls and Yesung doesn’t hang up, because Kibum doesn’t seem to mind at all and Yesung doesn’t feel so bad anymore.
Changmin tells him about how he can’t keep up with Jaejoong and Junsu in their lessons and Yesung gives him pointers over the phone and they sing at each other for hours sometimes.
Yesung tells Changmin about how they can’t be too close, because Kibum might get jealous and Changmin just sounds plain confused.
“But he’s my best friend.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
There’s a long pause and Yesung thinks Changmin has hung up.
“Okay then, we don’t have to be best friends, but we can still talk.”
“Okay.”
They talk till three in the morning, even though they both have schedules in a few hours and Yesung is smiling as he falls asleep.
~
The teacher tells Yesung that he and Ryeowook are going to be brilliant together and that they’ll be the foundations of the entire band in each song.
They sing each song easily, the notes not at all challenging and their voices mix and it’s all low, husky chords mixed with spiraling, soaring crescendos and Yesung wonders why something just doesn’t sound right when they sound so beautiful.
It’s an autumn afternoon when someone else joins their group and he has sparkling eyes, messy bed hair and long, lanky limbs. His voice is low and smooth and enthralling and he hits a falsetto as easy as he blinks.
Something lights up in Ryeowook’s eyes and Yesung stops singing.
~
“Hyung, do you have a best friend?” He asks just before bed one day.
Do you want to be my best friend? His eyes ask as he stares at the older man.
“Yeah,” Eeteuk mutters, “Chullie I guess.”
Yesung nods and turns the light off and he doesn’t cry because it was Heechul and Heechul was a thousand times more gorgeous and popular and fun than he could ever hope to be.
Eeteuk deserves a best friend like that. Not one that was introverted and uncertain and awkward.
(Not one like him.)
~
Changmin doesn’t call for a few days and Yesung picks up on the first ring when he finally does.
“Hey”
“Hey”
They talk about new songs and how Hyukjae ran into a door and how Yoochun accidentally walked into a strip club and Changmin stumbles over Jaejoong’s name and Yesung chokes over Eeteuk’s and they both pretend to not have heard and they keep talking about everything and nothing.
~
It’s the middle of summer and the air conditioners aren’t working and Yesung is stuck in a tiny recording room, singing back up to Ryeowook and Kyuhyun and he’s stuck with all the minor keys and low notes and he makes sure his voice isn’t overpowering, because he was just Yesung and he wasn’t really meant to be heard.
He’s sweating like crazy and he stares in amazement at Kyuhyun who is barely looking flushed and he wonders why everything had to be this way.
He hits all the notes perfectly, not that it matters, because it’s drowned out beneath Kyuhyun’s low, heartaching storytelling and Ryeowook’s perfect soaring emotions. Yesung sings flawlessly and then he shuts his mouth, lips pressed together firmly as Kyuhyun twirls Ryeowook around, the soft bubbling laughter filling the room like poisonous gas and Yesung can’t breathe all of a sudden. He runs out amidst congratulations being showered upon the duo and the image of Ryeowook blushing as their magnae nuzzled his neck.
No one stops Yesung on the way out; no one congratulates him.
~
It’s exactly like Yesung imagined it.
There’s ecstatic screaming and mesmerized sighs and the adoration and infatuation pouring from the fans and Yesung belts out each note like his life depends on it and he’s singing his heart out and the fans are all on their feet as the last note falls.
Yesung smiles and lets his eyes unfocus, till all he can see is a sea of blue and not the signs, banners and boards with every name except his own.
It’s moments like this that Yesung can pretend that the applause is for him too.
~
Yesung doesn’t tell the others, except Eeteuk, because it’s Eeteuk and even though the other has never said anything, they’re best friends and best friends don’t have secrets.
He tells the other about the secret gym visits and the abs that he’s been building through blood and sweat and Eeteuk nods and smiles a little. “It’ll be good for the album promotions.”
Yesung grins because Eeteuk approves and what Eeteuk thinks matter more than anything.
Then the day of the photoshoot, Yesung walks out in his vest and it’s fitting and small enough to show off his new figure.
No one notices because Shiwon is practically not wearing anything and those low slung pants show off a physique that Yesung can never hope to achieve. Even Hankyung and Kibum are sporting new muscles and the only time anyone says anything is when Hankyung turns to him and smiles that gentle smile and tells him that he looks good.
Yesung’s heart soars and he has a hard time keeping a straight face throughout the shoot.
Maybe Eeteuk wasn’t his only friend.
~
He tells Changmin about the shoot and he mentions the lighting and Hankyung’s hair and the concept and Siwon’s abs and Hankyung complimenting him and Sungmin’s haircut and Hankyung’s smile and Changmin pauses.
“Be careful hyung…Hankyung hyung is…” There’s a breath that catches sharply and Yesung can’t quite decipher the emotion crackling through the receiver and he’s not sure what to expect, but he certainly doesn’t expect “…Pain.”
Yesung bristles and he’s about to yell at Changmin for saying such a ridiculous thing about his hyung, when a hollow edge creeps into Changmin’s voice and there’s the slightest hint of a quiver, but Yesung’s trained ears pick up on it immediately.
“Trust me hyung, I know.”
Yesung doesn’t ask what the other mean.
(he thinks he understands when he sees the way Donghae stare at the Chinese man as they dance; so desperately that it looks like he's dying and how Hyukjae stands in the practice room and his hands are grasping at the empty air where Hankyung had been moments before)
~
“Hyung,” he asks as they are preparing dinner, “after Heechul hyung, who’s your second best friend?”
“You only have one best friend, idiot.” There was a guarded, wary look in those eyes.
“But just say, your second closest friend then?”
There’s the briefest of a pause and Yesung prays to hear his name.
“Kangin”
They prepare the rest of the dinner in silence and Yesung offers to cut the onions just so no one will notice the tears prickling against his lashes.
~
He watches Hankyung and Donghae dance in the middle of the floor and the way their feet barely seemed to touch the ground and Yesung swears he feels dizzy, because he doesn’t even want to miss a second.
Hyukjae and Shindong were discussing possible dance steps for their new song and Yesung scoots over and offers his opinions and the conversation dies as they stare at Yesung.
Hyukjae pats him on the back and tells him to just focus on the singing and leave the dancing to them, then he goes and drags Hankyung and Donghae into their discussion.
He glances over at Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and Sungmin over in the corner and he hears the clear note Sungmin hits even across the room. Kyuhyun grins and Ryeowook beams and they high five and laugh and Yesung goes and sits down next to a sleeping Eeteuk whose head was drooping. Yesung puts Eeteuk’s head on his shoulder.
This was the only place he was needed.
~
“Who’s next?”
There’s no pause this time. “Donghae.”
Eeteuk doesn’t have to tell him this time; Yesung turns off the lights himself.
~
Hankyung is under a table searching on the ground and Donghae, Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are peeking into jars and in drawers and even the bin when Yesung walks in.
“What’s going on? Did you guys lose something?”
Hankyung looks like he’s about to burst into tears and Kyuhyun shoots him a glare enough to scorch and Ryeowook hurriedly drags him out of the kitchen to tell him that Hankyung has lost his ring.
His friendship ring with Jaejoong.
They find it later in the flour bowl and Hankyung is crying in relief into Donghae’s neck and Kyuhyun is rubbing his back and Hankyung is so happy that he hugs every single one of them, Yesung included.
The next day, Yesung hands the little velvet box to Eeteuk with a smile and the gasp as Eeteuk opens the box makes him excited. He doesn’t understand when Eeteuk shoves the box back at him. “Why the hell are you giving me a ring?”
Yesung’s smile fades a tiny bit. “Because you’re my best friend. And best friends give each other rings, Jaejoong gave Hanky-”
Eeteuk laughs, disbelieving and low. “Jaejoong gave Hankyung that ring, because he’s fucking in love with him. And Hankyung treasures it, because he loves Jaejoong too much to not.” Eeteuk shakes his head and glances at him. “Are you fucking in love with me?” There’s a roll of eyes and Eeteuk flips the light switch.
Yesung lies in the dark and wonders why Eeteuk doesn’t love him enough to treasure his gift then. Because Yesung was fucking in love with Eeteuk.
~
Yesung is on his sixth bottle of something, (he can’t remember and his eyes blur too much to read it and all he knows is that it burns) when he somehow manages to dial Changmin.
“I’m fucking in love with him,” he slurs and Changmin doesn’t say anything and when he finally does, it’s asking where Yesung is.
Yesung just yells that he loves him, that he fucking loves him, until the bartender takes the phone and the next thing he knows is waking up in his own bed and there’s a note stuck to his desk, with the words ‘I know.’
~
He goes to audition for a role, a movie role and it’s about ghosts and secret longing and secrets and loneliness and it’s perfect for Yesung. He slides into the role like it’s molded for him and one of the woman is actually staring at him wide eyed as he runs through the audition.
A week later, Yesung stares at the promotional posters and he finds Kim Kibum staring back at him instead of Kim Joongwoon.
He walks down the street to go get more beer for the celebration party for Kibum.
No one knew who Kim Joongwoon was anyway.
~
Changmin calls him out to the park and they sit on the swings in sunglasses and beanies and Yesung thinks this is ridiculous, but he doesn’t say anything, because Changmin hasn’t anything at all for the past hour.
There’a a phone shoved at him and Yesung glances at the photos moving across the screen and he doesn’t understand, because it’s Jaejoong and Hankyung, Jaejoong and Junsu, Jaejoong and Yunho, Jaejoong and Yoochun, Jaejoong and Hankyung again…
And then he does understand and the realization makes him gasp.
Changmin looks at him with hollow, sad eyes. “I’m in love with him,” a lifeless chuckle, “I’m fucking in love with him.”
They sit on the swings until Eeteuk calls to ask where the hell he is.
~
The world isn’t fair and Yesung thinks that’s okay, because at least he still had Eeteuk.
Eeteuk lets Yesung closer now, a touch here and there, a quick hug in front of the cameras and they share whispers over schedules and camera angles.
Eeteuk smiles at Yesung sometimes, only sometimes and Yesung doesn’t mind that he has to work for those smiles, because each time it actually happens, it’s as if a blinding light had been turned on and Yesung has to remember to breathe.
It’s still the same in their bedroom though, Eeteuk would always go around and put all the members to sleep and he’d be gone so long, that Yesung would be almost asleep by the time their leader comes back. He never does though, because he forces himself to stay awake as he listens to the sound of shouts and laughter echoing through the wall, because this time spent before going to bed was their time, their only time.
The laughter is still lingering on those lips and there’s still warm affection in those eyes when Eeteuk walks in.
By the time Eeteuk slides into bed, there’s only nothingness and Yesung reaches out to try to bring that affection back.
Eeteuk rolls over and turns his back to Yesung and Yesung doesn’t try to touch again.
~
“And then?
“...Hankyung.”
There’s a silence and Yesung breathes quietly as another piece of his heart breaks off and he wonders when it’ll be his name being whispered.
Part of him wonders if maybe he’s already missed his name. Part of him wonders if he’s name will ever be called.
~
He comes home one day and there’s shifting and moving and general chaos. Shiwon shouts to him that they are switching rooms, as he balances a pile of books and blankets precariously in one hand a bunch of sheets in the other.
Shiwon is bunked up with Donghae now and Yesung isn’t with Eeteuk anymore, he’s in a room with Hankyung and Ryeowook. There’s posters and fluffy toys and a floor length mirror and everything’s impeccably stacked and the sunlight filters through the open window. There’s laughter and music and soft Chinese and Siwon and Donghae and Kyuhyun pop in every few minutes and the room actually feels lived in.
Yesung feels like he’s in the bottom of a well watching the happy children dance around the top.
The others all give their sympathies to Hankyung for having to be with Yewook and they rib Yesung about getting a double bed all to himself.
Yesung’s lying in bed, pressed to the wall because he’s used to always sleeping on one side and never crossing the invisible divide. He glances at the mirror and the twin figures cuddled together on the other bed, the moonlight flitting across high cheekbones and thick lashes and small smiles. Yesung curls up closer and he tries not to glance at the space beside him.
If he doesn’t look, it’s almost like Eeteuk is still right there.
~
Yesung and Changmin come home and they see Hankyung sleeping on the couch and Jaejoong is brushing a hair out of his face and leaning closer and there’s such obvious affection that Yesung feels Changmin freeze up and he drags the taller man away.
“I hate Hankyung.” It comes out a whisper, hissed and ragged.
Yesung doesn’t realize that he’s moved, until his hand contacts sharply with Changmin’s face. “Stop being stupid.”
Changmin’s still reeling from the slap, but his eyes narrow. “What?”
“They’re best friends Changmin. They love each other, it’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with Jaejoong loving Hankyung.”
Changmin’s face twist, but there’s no anger there now. “Best friends aren’t suppose to fall in love, hyung.”
Yesung doesn’t say anything, but he pulls Changmin close and brushes his hair until the other falls into a fitful sleep.
They’re not meant to, but they do anyway.
~
He gives and gives and sometimes, Yesung feels like he’s going to bleed out and all he’ll have left is a dried up shell lying in his bed.
It’s the middle of dinner and he asks something about a movie and no one really answers because they’re having the most delicious beef Yesung has ever tasted, but he notices because Eeteuk doesn’t answer either and Yesung follows their leader’s gaze to Siwon and Kyuhyun, both of whom are placing food on Hankyung’s plate and Hankyung tells them off and shoves the food back, but he’s still smiling.
Eeteuk’s gaze is dark and Yesung has to wash down the beef with a whole cup of water.
~
It’s different this time; a different question, a different place.
They’re in the kitchen and Yesung asks whilst leaning against the bench, his back facing Eeteuk.
“Is there someone you like, hyung?”
There’s a long pause and Yesung hears the tick tock of the clock behind them.
“Yes.”
The ticking gets louder.
~
The corridors are white and Yesung thinks it’s the most horrible color, because everything here was white and there’s nothing to take his attention away from the figures all squashed on the plastic chairs and leaning against the walls and even sitting on the ground.
No one is talking and the only sounds are the occasional sniffles and the uncomfortable shuffling.
A man in a white coat comes out and he rambles off medical jargon and most of them blink confusedly until the words ‘liver disease’ and ‘needs surgery’ reaches their ears and then everyone understands.
There’s somebody crying and someone else punching a wall and some other person sliding down the wall and Yesung just stares at the ugly twist that crosses Eeteuk’s face and there’s something broken in those eyes as Yesung touches those shaking hands.
The next thing Yesung knows, he’s being shoved inside a cleaning closet and there’s a broom digging into his shoulder and something rectangular pressing into his cheek.
His pants are pooled around his ankles and there are hands jerking hard at his member, hard enough to hurt, but it’s Eeteuk and Yesung is hard in a matter of moments. There are teeth on his neck, leaving vivid indentations all over soft skin and a hand clenched around his hip hard enough to bruise. Fingers are shoved inside of him and there’s no preparation and no lube, only skin twsting against skin and the scrape of nails and everything burns.
Yesung knows he should just keep his mouth shut and enjoy this, because Eeteuk was touching him and this was what he had dreamed about. Then he thinks of Changmin and the words slip out anyways.
“You’re in love with Hankyung.”
Everything stops and the burning freezes and then all the heat and skin and Eeteuk is gone all at once and Yesung is shoved hard into the brooms and then he’s all alone in the dark of the closet.
He sits there and he doesn’t cry, but he may as well have.
~
He doesn’t tell Changmin, but there’s an edge in the other’s voice when they talk and it slices through the air, spiraling through the phone and cutting right into Yesung.
“Stop it, hyung”
“Stop what?”
The phone clicks and Yesung sits there cradling the phone for the rest of the night.
~
Yesung sees Eeteuk sitting by the bed holding one of Hankyung’s hands, whilst Donghae held the other one. When Donghae goes into the bathroom, Eeteuk turns around and stares at Yesung.
“You don’t know anything about me, so stop assuming you know who I like, because you don’t. You don’t have any idea.”
“Of course I know about you! We’re best-”
“Best what? Best friends?” Eeteuk shoves Yesung up against the wall and growls in his ear, “You’re not my fucking best friend, Yesung. So what the hell do you want from me?!”
Yesung is trying not to choke. “I want you-”
Eeteuk growls in disgust and smashes their mouth together and Yesung wants to push him away, but he can’t because this was Jungsu, no more Eeteuk, no more facades and it hurts how beautiful he is (so beautiful that Yesung doesn’t even care that he’s being ripped apart)
The older man leaves him to slide down the wall and Yesung thinks he’s such a beautiful destruction.
I want you to care.
~
The next time Yesung walk along the stark white corridors, it leads him into a room with white walls and white sheets. Jaejoong and Junsu are both there and so are the others and they’re all crowded around Hankyung’s bed and offering him anything from bananas to a song to any dance he wants to watch.
They turn and nod at him and then Jaejoong’s back to affectionately scolding Hankyung for not noticing sooner and Junsu is babbling worriedly and Yunho is smiling at everyone affectionately and Yoochun is switching between Korean and English, forgetting that Hankyung wasn’t fluent in either.
Changmin takes Yesung’s arm and leads him into the bathroom.
“Stop being stupid.”
“What?”
There’s a photo shoved under his nose and it’s of Jaejoong and Hankyung smiling at each other, their eyes crinkled in laughter and there was cream on their lips and cheeks and fingers as they hovered over a mixing bowl.
Yesung looks up sharply, concerned, only to see Changmin smiling.
“I took that photo hyung.”
“Why? How can you-”
Changmin bends and stares straight into his eyes. “Because I’ve stopped being stupid.”
Yesung stares at Changmin’s brighter eyes and easier smile and he thinks he understands.
~
“We’re not best friends, Changmin.”
“I know.”
“Then what are we?”
They don’t turn to face each other, but Yesung can feel the smile that crosses Changmin’s face.
“Anything you want us to be.”
Anything.
~
Everything.
//
♥