Full Circle
Full Circle
They were not allowed to have relationships in the first place, but it wasn’t the fact that he was an idol, but rather who he loved, that made it impossible for them to be together. It wasn’t a simple question of whether they loved each other or not, there were other things to consider: the fans, the company, the other members, everyone and everything, but himself and his love.
His love was like the beginnings of a circle, growing and expanding and so neverending that it seemed the space that the finished circle would hold would be infinite. Kyuhyun loved and loved, in silence and in secret, through looks and brief touches and unvoiced words. It was as if he was playing a game, a game of life that he was losing, because the circle never seemed to stop growing and it felt as if this love would take over, until he had nothing else in this world.
Kyuhyun never wanted to lose at a game, especially not one with such high stakes. He tries to date other celebrities, but the exposure was too high and those who weren’t famous could not exist in his world. Yet still, he was determine to make that circle look less like a straight line hurtling towards eternity and more like a circle, because that’s what it’s suppose to be, goddamn it.
He clicks on a button one day and it opens up another world. Somewhere where he is not known, where he is Kyuhyun but not really Kyuhyun, because how much more fake could that name be and it’s not as if anyone would believe it’s him anyway. A world to which he can escape and to which he can hide from his love; protected but not free- never free. He meets people, funny people, weird people, crazy people; people who he doesn’t really care about, but still, he searches through them for that one person who could help him finish his circle.
He meets someone by the name of Hankyung one day and because it’s so fucking ironic, Kyuhyun befriends him. They talk about the most inane things, this ‘Hankyung’ with a life almost as boring as his own fake identity- of girls and their jobs and music and movies and hell, even Super Junior just because it thrilled him to toe the line of danger. It was all lies and facades and distance, expect it wasn’t, because Kyuhyun has never been so honest despite his fake identity. Never so free.
Weeks and months pass by and the time he spends on the net grows, not playing games like everyone thought, but talking to ‘Hankyung’; talking and laughing and sharing. The man was beautiful even though they had never exchanged photos, kind and wonderful and Kyuhyun thinks it must be fate that they are so alike. The man understands everything Kyuhyun slips in about himself, his true self, and they seem to exist in the same world even though they couldn’t be further apart.
Kyuhyun still hurts inside from bottling up his feelings for the Chinese dancer, but it wasn’t something that haunted him all the time now. He knew that he didn’t love Hankyung- the real Hankyung besides him- any less, but it was as if something else was there too, and Kyuhyun can practically see the circle starting to actually bend. It was funny in a twisted kind of way, that he was falling for a faceless unknown, another Hankyung that Kyuhyun knew deep down, could never truly measure up to the one he really wanted.
He loved the two Hankyungs, frozen in perpetual lack of motion, never fully being able to move on from one or detach himself from the other. The circle quivered and shook, the end near but yet still so far. Wanting a new beginning, yet never able to let go; no motion. And Kyuhyun needed the motion. So he leaves a note for the M leader, telling him that “I think I’ve loved you forever”, his first and final confession. So he tells the other ‘Hankyung’ the truth, a webcam photo of himself, revealing the secret he had been afraid of sharing, because he knows everything will change.
Kyuhyun gets no reply, from either of his Hankyungs and there’s a dark pit of anxiety pooling in his stomach, as the loss starts to seep in. Then he doesn’t feel anxiety anymore, doesn’t feel fear or anger or anything, except disbelief and the warm caress of happiness, as he receives a message from “Hankyung” which read with the precious, remarkable words “I’ve waited forever for you to say that, so I could say it back to you”. Kyuhyun doesn’t understand, refuses to believe, unable to comprehend the possibility that they somehow found each other through the endless empty space and fall in love again this way. Not even when he sees the accompanying photo of the man of his dreams in a hotel room exactly the same as his. It wasn’t until they were holding hands that night, that he finally accepted this miracle.
The circle was finally completed at last, and it had led him back to the exact same spot.
They were not allowed to have relationships in the first place, but it wasn’t the fact that he was an idol, but rather who he loved, that made it impossible for them to be together. It wasn’t a simple question of whether they loved each other or not, there were other things to consider: the fans, the company, the other members, everyone and everything, but himself and his love.
His love was like the beginnings of a circle, growing and expanding and so neverending that it seemed the space that the finished circle would hold would be infinite. Kyuhyun loved and loved, in silence and in secret, through looks and brief touches and unvoiced words. It was as if he was playing a game, a game of life that he was losing, because the circle never seemed to stop growing and it felt as if this love would take over, until he had nothing else in this world.
Kyuhyun never wanted to lose at a game, especially not one with such high stakes. He tries to date other celebrities, but the exposure was too high and those who weren’t famous could not exist in his world. Yet still, he was determine to make that circle look less like a straight line hurtling towards eternity and more like a circle, because that’s what it’s suppose to be, goddamn it.
He clicks on a button one day and it opens up another world. Somewhere where he is not known, where he is Kyuhyun but not really Kyuhyun, because how much more fake could that name be and it’s not as if anyone would believe it’s him anyway. A world to which he can escape and to which he can hide from his love; protected but not free- never free. He meets people, funny people, weird people, crazy people; people who he doesn’t really care about, but still, he searches through them for that one person who could help him finish his circle.
He meets someone by the name of Hankyung one day and because it’s so fucking ironic, Kyuhyun befriends him. They talk about the most inane things, this ‘Hankyung’ with a life almost as boring as his own fake identity- of girls and their jobs and music and movies and hell, even Super Junior just because it thrilled him to toe the line of danger. It was all lies and facades and distance, expect it wasn’t, because Kyuhyun has never been so honest despite his fake identity. Never so free.
Weeks and months pass by and the time he spends on the net grows, not playing games like everyone thought, but talking to ‘Hankyung’; talking and laughing and sharing. The man was beautiful even though they had never exchanged photos, kind and wonderful and Kyuhyun thinks it must be fate that they are so alike. The man understands everything Kyuhyun slips in about himself, his true self, and they seem to exist in the same world even though they couldn’t be further apart.
Kyuhyun still hurts inside from bottling up his feelings for the Chinese dancer, but it wasn’t something that haunted him all the time now. He knew that he didn’t love Hankyung- the real Hankyung besides him- any less, but it was as if something else was there too, and Kyuhyun can practically see the circle starting to actually bend. It was funny in a twisted kind of way, that he was falling for a faceless unknown, another Hankyung that Kyuhyun knew deep down, could never truly measure up to the one he really wanted.
He loved the two Hankyungs, frozen in perpetual lack of motion, never fully being able to move on from one or detach himself from the other. The circle quivered and shook, the end near but yet still so far. Wanting a new beginning, yet never able to let go; no motion. And Kyuhyun needed the motion. So he leaves a note for the M leader, telling him that “I think I’ve loved you forever”, his first and final confession. So he tells the other ‘Hankyung’ the truth, a webcam photo of himself, revealing the secret he had been afraid of sharing, because he knows everything will change.
Kyuhyun gets no reply, from either of his Hankyungs and there’s a dark pit of anxiety pooling in his stomach, as the loss starts to seep in. Then he doesn’t feel anxiety anymore, doesn’t feel fear or anger or anything, except disbelief and the warm caress of happiness, as he receives a message from “Hankyung” which read with the precious, remarkable words “I’ve waited forever for you to say that, so I could say it back to you”. Kyuhyun doesn’t understand, refuses to believe, unable to comprehend the possibility that they somehow found each other through the endless empty space and fall in love again this way. Not even when he sees the accompanying photo of the man of his dreams in a hotel room exactly the same as his. It wasn’t until they were holding hands that night, that he finally accepted this miracle.
The circle was finally completed at last, and it had led him back to the exact same spot.