dude has a thing about badgers. and Jeff, man.
Will start Eddie post soon. Honest.
[Ignore the point that tomorrow's the six month anniversary and I still haven't done my Cleveland post, willya?]
Heard Bare Naked Wookies- er, Ladies driving home earlier. Squeed. Haven't heard in an age.
I cut my last class to come home and domestic goddess and stuff. Am such a bad ass. Pysch was... well, lets just say "there's an hour of my life I'm never getting back." The lecturer we had... sucks. The other lecturer is bloody awesome. But she is not. Ah, well.
Right.
So, Wednesday. Chris made sweet and sour chicken which was just fucking guh, and then we went into town and found a free park. And dashed over to the Edge (*insert MFHTOML-y giggle here*) to find where we were sposed to go. Loads of people. We got kind of freaked out by all the people in super formal wear, but it eventuated that Rangitoto College was having their ball in one of the other rooms there... We got in and out of the bathroom shortly before it reached critical mass (about six stalls, at least thirty to forty women in line as we left.)
First, shallow impressions: uhm. Okay. He is one fucking gorgeous bloke. Am dead serious, here. Yummy. Very glad my seats tonight are closer. :D And he looks really nice with boobs. :D Though Chris was sad that he wasn't wearing shiny pants and spiky heels. *giggle*
Basically... if you don't want to be spoilered at all, he was incredibly funny, and my face hurt afterwards from laughing so much. He was on stage for about two and a half hours all up (there was an interval) and he got a great reception, too. And he dealt with the hecklers really well, too.
He had this good bit about "what the FUCK happened on the ninth of November??" which was funny, really, and he pulled it off without being offensive. That joke definitely won't travel, though. Hee. And he had this KILLER bit about our accents which he came back to later, too, which was. just. awesome. In short... if you haven't seen him, and can - DO. CanNOT reccomend him more highly.
...it helps if I have my diary WITH me. Ye gods.
So, before he comes out theres loads of spotlights all over the place, with kaleidoscope-y filters, and swirling round and changing colours; white, blue-red, yellow, green, red-purple, back to white... Loud music which sounded to me like nothing so much as the theme from McBain on the Simpsons.
And then the music just gets louder and louder and keeps going and he comes out, and everyone is cheering their arses off... and as the music fades down he breaks into this random song "I keep my cheese in a bag cos there's no other place to keep it", keeps singing and finally stops, looks at us, and says in that inimitable Eddie way. "I'm not sure how to react at the beginning there. I tried coming out and just screaming *he demonstrates* but it just freaked people out in Australia. Even in Sydney!"
Less than two minutes in, he makes a Lord of the Rings reference. I have no memory of what it actually WAS.
He starts talking about our accents "all your vowels move on one." and demonstrates this by using first the examples australians always give of how we talk funny (he's obviously done his research) and goes on in that vein for a while, it's accurate and very funny. "and then you get to 'u' and it goes back round to 'a' again... okay, that doesn't work really."
"you're so long and thin and separated in the middle" [I think only about half the audience got the other meaning to that one, he slipped it in very subtly, but OH so groan worthy. (for anyone who doesn't know: New Zealand is two main islands, which are long, fairly thin and separated by the Cook Strait)]
The line I totally intend to use myself in the future: "It's funny in my head."
I love how he does that 'pretend to write on hand "this bit does not work." "do not assume too much intelligence" ' and so on. SO fanTABulous.
He forever endears himself to me and Chris by mentioning Perseus, Agamemnon, etc, all part of a big segue on superheroes and how they (mythical figures) were like the ancient versions of superheroes. He goes on for quite a while about Medusa... "oh i've looked at you, i'm all stone, oh bugger." and her hairdresser... segue into "back of the head mirrors" and how fucking weird they are.
"And we're all 'I have a back of the head?! I didn't know that!' We don't care how it looks in the back, just from the front."
Reflections, and how that's the only you you can see... three-way mirrors and "you go on forever. And that's kind of creepy."
"You stare at me in silence... because it's not funny." *mimes writing on arm*
"Lesbian Island... ooh, fun."
He couldn't remember who it was who went past the Sirens - mentioned Theseus, Perseus, Jason - "what's an argonaut when it's at home?" there was a 'from the earth to the moon' joke that i didn't note down or remember,and, actually, that was the "you stare at me in silence... cos it's not funny" bit.
"We don't know what the Sirens sounded like... I mean, maybe there were all *sings country sounding 'my wife has left me etc etc' type thing* or maybe they were *sings something soprano-y* or maybe they were *creditable imitation of fire engine siren, entire audience laughing themselves sick*"
Back to superheroes.
"I identify with them. Because they're [something positive I forget]. I mean... no point in associating with scumbags."
Big riff about the Fantastic Four, which I found hilarious as I am FanGirl Extraordinaire; Mr Fantastic using his stretchy-ness to spy on people in other rooms and check if they wanted a cup of tea, Mrs Fantastic being "shy and invisible", the Thing being cool and like a brick wall. (damn, there was a great joke there, I forget it) and how the Human Torch was all "flame on!" and then he could fly and how completely illogical that was.
"Like... 'jam on!' you're covered in jam, and then you can swim."
Options for a superpower "you can swim, you can fly or you can talk to ducks. we're not sure which." "well, talking to ducks, not that bloody useful, is it?" "you could be the duck saviour!"
Segue onto how he was trying out the false breasts again, having given up on them years ago because people would still address him as 'sir' (sadly, this part was ruined by the clip they showed on tv from his Sydney show) and he couldn't pass as a woman, but how they're dead useful
"you can take them out and throw them at children!"
That he got them from the same shop as uma thurman's stunt double, so they were... inspired by uma thurman's... stunt... breasts...
A joke about "the Nazgul index" that I think Chris and I were the only ones laughing at, and what the hell, cos it was FUNNY as fuck.
[ah fuck my writing totally disintegrates here]
"I am mit breasts today, as the germans would say."
can wrap them around your ears on a flight "like Princess Leia" - my inner geek died here.
"My dad said to me "I see you've grown tits." "No, I bought them in a shop." "
Kamikaze canaries. Which I didn't note down properly, but was TOTALLY monty python and fucking HILARRYASS. There are no words.
Superheroes again - "it's a kid with a skinned knee! what sort of disaster is this?"
Captain Transvestite... goes to change, takes an hour, "shit I still look like a bloke"
The kid is dead. "but it was just a skinned knee!" "there were complications!" "like what?" "I hit him in the head with a hammer." "that's not complications!"
"what's that?" "lip liner. I can draw a line around him.... fingers... fingers... fingers... he had three hands."
"meeeeeeeeeeeeeeowm." "that's what Doppler did with his cats." (threw them out the window at speed and measured them.)
"interview with the cats later: well, it was scary being thrown out the window, but when the rocket packs kicked in it was okay."
Doppler's cats got in a fight with Pavlov's dogs (Chris and I DIED here) and beat them up, because dogs are stupid.
He talks for a while about this time he was in Cambridge, walking round ("surrounded by Oxford dons. no, Cambridge dons. uh. the Oxford dons were on holiday" ...something about plumbing...) how a guy was hassling him and he warned him a couple times ("I warned him twice, like, two strikes you're out, and he had two strikes, and I got angry, that righteous anger, and told him he was a fucking cunt") (my notes: Joy! he said 'cunt'!!) And he went on about how mad he was... "I was gonna deck him! I was really gonna deck him! Or dick him!" (this: follow on from the next-vowel-on bit at the start and it SLEW. SO good.)
Something about the King of Burundi, to which I giggled madly and started saying "je suis le president of burundi"
"I've been strongly determined I am going to learn some kind of martial art for at least five years now!"
"I had to go to court, and I had to repeat that in court. So I pretended I couldn't pronounce 'r's."
"And the judge thought "he's a nice middle-class transvestite, then." "
"I have a black belt in sashimi. Just the fish. No rice." (sorry, Joy)
"And origami."
Talking about travelling since September 11 (the "ninth of November, what the fuckhappened, I have to research this!" was in here) and going through customs in the US with the name "izzard" and having been born in Yemen, and the checklist for al qaeda operatives.
"Nothing about breasts on here... *mimes writing 'he has breasts'."
And there was a bit "So, what do you do?" "I'm a COMEDIAN." "Oh, look, we've got a comedian here. No, what do you do?" "I'm a comedian." repeat ad infinitum
Talking about wanting to learn arabic, go back and do a gig in arabic in a few years time, learning a bit about Islam, Mohammed being cool, getting the koran, not reading it yet.
"And I thought, "I'll read it on the plane!" *beat* No, I won't read it on the plane."
[room: *erupts with laughter* Like that quote I found said - jokes grow best on the soil of recent anxieties.]
Something about the old testament...
" 'The Rough Guide to Sodom and Gomorrah'. Oh, that sounds fun!"
Circumcision, and sound effects. (think "plink" but funnier and with hand gestures)
...oh, and there was a bit about the moon's gravity causing tides, and how he didn't understand it, because if that was the case "why doesnt' the water lift UP?" which also killed everyone. I think that was earlier.
Talking about how he does impressions "and my impressions are bad. because i don't practice them."
And THEN he did the Muhammed Ali/George Foreman (inner slasher: ick) fight with the banjo and I DIED. And poked Chris madly going "he's done this before, he's done this before eeeeeeee must tell Joy!!"
He went off for the intermission, and then I sprinted the fuck over to the movie theatre to get money out on eftpos and buy myself two shirts. Came back and collapsed into the seat again with about five minutes to spare.
[My writing gets MUCH worse from this point. I overcompensated from having realised that I was getting like four lines of writing on a page and now it all overlaps.]
Hunter-gatherer. "I'm a hunter-gatherer. Or, a hunter. Not a gatherer." *mimes throwing spear, turns back and waves limply* "can you gather that?"
The kamikaze canary made a comeback here.
"I don't think I'd hunt wooly mammoth, though." *mimes throwing spear again* "He's still coming, and he has my spear! make a new one... leave bits for the archaeologists.... ohdearifeelrathersquashed"
Cro-magnon man: "*sigh* I'm so very nearly extinct."
Homo sapiens: just looking at swatches of moss for the new cave.
Homo sapiens: "so, where are you living at the moment?" cro-magnon man: "er, in my own filth?"
"gotta go kill a badger"
cave paintings... "there's one of the kids... there's another..." "they all look the same" "well, i'm no good with charcoal!"
something else that fell a bit flat, he stuffed up a line, took three goes to get the word out, mimed a correction "you don't even write with your left hand!"
"life is hard when you have alliteration disease"
[...what. the. FUCK. did I write here?? ...OH.]
early cave stories "there was a cave man... and he went out of the cave... and he came back!"
"there was a cave man... and he went out of the cave" "we've heard this one!" "and he found a MONSTER. and it killed him."
"twig spinning... that'll never catch on." "no, i was doing it before and it made the red and the yellow and i'm gonna call it "ow"." "that's a stupid fire jeff [something]" "oh, that's a much better name for it!" "what, fire?" "no, Jeff."
[me: the god of biscuits!]
"you see acupuncture on the telly and it looks like sliding tiny needles into you at the level below 'ah' and 'ow'"
"i've had acupuncture and it feels like being punctured by acus."
Failed guide dogs "i'm a dog, man, i can't deal with this!"
About how our customs people are insane about checking if people have fruit.
"Give us the apple!" "I have heroin..." "I don't care, give us the apple!"
Greyhounds and "don't they realise it's not a real bunny?" "a backwards running very fast bunny waving at us" bit about the dog catching up and leaping onto the bunny and sitting there and it was sodding hilarious.
Talking about the western film he did and how it was different to horse riding as a child.
"You don't ride a horse, the horse wears a child." (SO TRUE)
"ich bin ein cowboy"
"Saddam Hussein is now holed up somewhere with a 1970s Sharp tape recorder... 'people of Iran-' " "It's Iraq." "Shit, they're so close in the dictionary." "People of Iraq, I-" *sings something* "Shit! Why is there a 'dub' button on this? I don't need a dub button."
Talking about how his father was in yemen eight years and just learned four things - one beer, two beer, three beer, and 'god willing'. "And I asked him, dad, what's beer in arabic, and he said "beer". Turned out he just learned one two three." "Here comes Wayne, three beer!" "and now Simon is coming, three beer one beer!" "and now Debbie and Charlene!" "Three beer three beer two beer!"
"And then there was a coup and it got too dangerous, so dad said "right, we're moving" and we shifted to... Northern Ireland. Great instinct for danger."
Moving to Beddingford (? I think. Will check that.) "it's a community for old people. even the children have walking frames!"
Something about cuddly fish I just wrote down to scare Joy. ;)
"Kiosk. From the viking word "to kill with blood... and then serve tea afterwards." "
Icecreams and Dr Strangelove.
How he worked at the kiosk selling snacks and then a co-worker said they never counted stock so they could just help themselves to it "and one day, the stock truck did come, and I was terrified, but he wasn't counting stock, just replenishing it. and I said "i'll have some of those... and a box of those... and some of those." "He replenished my entire shed. And I ate it all again." "And then the council came back at the end of summer and blew it up."
Talked about biking all the way from where he lived back to... somewhere I forget... and his dad gave him the map from a franchise of roadside cafes, so he ate at all of them and came back twice the size of a whale.
...that's all very random and not as funny on paper but that's everything I can recall/wrote down/decipherable, so... i hope it makes sense. It's mostly for me to remember, I think.
Memo to self: figure out how the dictaphone works before you leave.
EDIT: must add tooth decay bit.
EDIT EDIT: eeeee!
the 'who am i?' is EDGE
and they're playing Electrical Storm AND FUCK ME I GOT THROUGH AND WON ANDI DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WON
[Ignore the point that tomorrow's the six month anniversary and I still haven't done my Cleveland post, willya?]
Heard Bare Naked Wookies- er, Ladies driving home earlier. Squeed. Haven't heard in an age.
I cut my last class to come home and domestic goddess and stuff. Am such a bad ass. Pysch was... well, lets just say "there's an hour of my life I'm never getting back." The lecturer we had... sucks. The other lecturer is bloody awesome. But she is not. Ah, well.
Right.
So, Wednesday. Chris made sweet and sour chicken which was just fucking guh, and then we went into town and found a free park. And dashed over to the Edge (*insert MFHTOML-y giggle here*) to find where we were sposed to go. Loads of people. We got kind of freaked out by all the people in super formal wear, but it eventuated that Rangitoto College was having their ball in one of the other rooms there... We got in and out of the bathroom shortly before it reached critical mass (about six stalls, at least thirty to forty women in line as we left.)
First, shallow impressions: uhm. Okay. He is one fucking gorgeous bloke. Am dead serious, here. Yummy. Very glad my seats tonight are closer. :D And he looks really nice with boobs. :D Though Chris was sad that he wasn't wearing shiny pants and spiky heels. *giggle*
Basically... if you don't want to be spoilered at all, he was incredibly funny, and my face hurt afterwards from laughing so much. He was on stage for about two and a half hours all up (there was an interval) and he got a great reception, too. And he dealt with the hecklers really well, too.
He had this good bit about "what the FUCK happened on the ninth of November??" which was funny, really, and he pulled it off without being offensive. That joke definitely won't travel, though. Hee. And he had this KILLER bit about our accents which he came back to later, too, which was. just. awesome. In short... if you haven't seen him, and can - DO. CanNOT reccomend him more highly.
...it helps if I have my diary WITH me. Ye gods.
So, before he comes out theres loads of spotlights all over the place, with kaleidoscope-y filters, and swirling round and changing colours; white, blue-red, yellow, green, red-purple, back to white... Loud music which sounded to me like nothing so much as the theme from McBain on the Simpsons.
And then the music just gets louder and louder and keeps going and he comes out, and everyone is cheering their arses off... and as the music fades down he breaks into this random song "I keep my cheese in a bag cos there's no other place to keep it", keeps singing and finally stops, looks at us, and says in that inimitable Eddie way. "I'm not sure how to react at the beginning there. I tried coming out and just screaming *he demonstrates* but it just freaked people out in Australia. Even in Sydney!"
Less than two minutes in, he makes a Lord of the Rings reference. I have no memory of what it actually WAS.
He starts talking about our accents "all your vowels move on one." and demonstrates this by using first the examples australians always give of how we talk funny (he's obviously done his research) and goes on in that vein for a while, it's accurate and very funny. "and then you get to 'u' and it goes back round to 'a' again... okay, that doesn't work really."
"you're so long and thin and separated in the middle" [I think only about half the audience got the other meaning to that one, he slipped it in very subtly, but OH so groan worthy. (for anyone who doesn't know: New Zealand is two main islands, which are long, fairly thin and separated by the Cook Strait)]
The line I totally intend to use myself in the future: "It's funny in my head."
I love how he does that 'pretend to write on hand "this bit does not work." "do not assume too much intelligence" ' and so on. SO fanTABulous.
He forever endears himself to me and Chris by mentioning Perseus, Agamemnon, etc, all part of a big segue on superheroes and how they (mythical figures) were like the ancient versions of superheroes. He goes on for quite a while about Medusa... "oh i've looked at you, i'm all stone, oh bugger." and her hairdresser... segue into "back of the head mirrors" and how fucking weird they are.
"And we're all 'I have a back of the head?! I didn't know that!' We don't care how it looks in the back, just from the front."
Reflections, and how that's the only you you can see... three-way mirrors and "you go on forever. And that's kind of creepy."
"You stare at me in silence... because it's not funny." *mimes writing on arm*
"Lesbian Island... ooh, fun."
He couldn't remember who it was who went past the Sirens - mentioned Theseus, Perseus, Jason - "what's an argonaut when it's at home?" there was a 'from the earth to the moon' joke that i didn't note down or remember,and, actually, that was the "you stare at me in silence... cos it's not funny" bit.
"We don't know what the Sirens sounded like... I mean, maybe there were all *sings country sounding 'my wife has left me etc etc' type thing* or maybe they were *sings something soprano-y* or maybe they were *creditable imitation of fire engine siren, entire audience laughing themselves sick*"
Back to superheroes.
"I identify with them. Because they're [something positive I forget]. I mean... no point in associating with scumbags."
Big riff about the Fantastic Four, which I found hilarious as I am FanGirl Extraordinaire; Mr Fantastic using his stretchy-ness to spy on people in other rooms and check if they wanted a cup of tea, Mrs Fantastic being "shy and invisible", the Thing being cool and like a brick wall. (damn, there was a great joke there, I forget it) and how the Human Torch was all "flame on!" and then he could fly and how completely illogical that was.
"Like... 'jam on!' you're covered in jam, and then you can swim."
Options for a superpower "you can swim, you can fly or you can talk to ducks. we're not sure which." "well, talking to ducks, not that bloody useful, is it?" "you could be the duck saviour!"
Segue onto how he was trying out the false breasts again, having given up on them years ago because people would still address him as 'sir' (sadly, this part was ruined by the clip they showed on tv from his Sydney show) and he couldn't pass as a woman, but how they're dead useful
"you can take them out and throw them at children!"
That he got them from the same shop as uma thurman's stunt double, so they were... inspired by uma thurman's... stunt... breasts...
A joke about "the Nazgul index" that I think Chris and I were the only ones laughing at, and what the hell, cos it was FUNNY as fuck.
[ah fuck my writing totally disintegrates here]
"I am mit breasts today, as the germans would say."
can wrap them around your ears on a flight "like Princess Leia" - my inner geek died here.
"My dad said to me "I see you've grown tits." "No, I bought them in a shop." "
Kamikaze canaries. Which I didn't note down properly, but was TOTALLY monty python and fucking HILARRYASS. There are no words.
Superheroes again - "it's a kid with a skinned knee! what sort of disaster is this?"
Captain Transvestite... goes to change, takes an hour, "shit I still look like a bloke"
The kid is dead. "but it was just a skinned knee!" "there were complications!" "like what?" "I hit him in the head with a hammer." "that's not complications!"
"what's that?" "lip liner. I can draw a line around him.... fingers... fingers... fingers... he had three hands."
"meeeeeeeeeeeeeeowm." "that's what Doppler did with his cats." (threw them out the window at speed and measured them.)
"interview with the cats later: well, it was scary being thrown out the window, but when the rocket packs kicked in it was okay."
Doppler's cats got in a fight with Pavlov's dogs (Chris and I DIED here) and beat them up, because dogs are stupid.
He talks for a while about this time he was in Cambridge, walking round ("surrounded by Oxford dons. no, Cambridge dons. uh. the Oxford dons were on holiday" ...something about plumbing...) how a guy was hassling him and he warned him a couple times ("I warned him twice, like, two strikes you're out, and he had two strikes, and I got angry, that righteous anger, and told him he was a fucking cunt") (my notes: Joy! he said 'cunt'!!) And he went on about how mad he was... "I was gonna deck him! I was really gonna deck him! Or dick him!" (this: follow on from the next-vowel-on bit at the start and it SLEW. SO good.)
Something about the King of Burundi, to which I giggled madly and started saying "je suis le president of burundi"
"I've been strongly determined I am going to learn some kind of martial art for at least five years now!"
"I had to go to court, and I had to repeat that in court. So I pretended I couldn't pronounce 'r's."
"And the judge thought "he's a nice middle-class transvestite, then." "
"I have a black belt in sashimi. Just the fish. No rice." (sorry, Joy)
"And origami."
Talking about travelling since September 11 (the "ninth of November, what the fuckhappened, I have to research this!" was in here) and going through customs in the US with the name "izzard" and having been born in Yemen, and the checklist for al qaeda operatives.
"Nothing about breasts on here... *mimes writing 'he has breasts'."
And there was a bit "So, what do you do?" "I'm a COMEDIAN." "Oh, look, we've got a comedian here. No, what do you do?" "I'm a comedian." repeat ad infinitum
Talking about wanting to learn arabic, go back and do a gig in arabic in a few years time, learning a bit about Islam, Mohammed being cool, getting the koran, not reading it yet.
"And I thought, "I'll read it on the plane!" *beat* No, I won't read it on the plane."
[room: *erupts with laughter* Like that quote I found said - jokes grow best on the soil of recent anxieties.]
Something about the old testament...
" 'The Rough Guide to Sodom and Gomorrah'. Oh, that sounds fun!"
Circumcision, and sound effects. (think "plink" but funnier and with hand gestures)
...oh, and there was a bit about the moon's gravity causing tides, and how he didn't understand it, because if that was the case "why doesnt' the water lift UP?" which also killed everyone. I think that was earlier.
Talking about how he does impressions "and my impressions are bad. because i don't practice them."
And THEN he did the Muhammed Ali/George Foreman (inner slasher: ick) fight with the banjo and I DIED. And poked Chris madly going "he's done this before, he's done this before eeeeeeee must tell Joy!!"
He went off for the intermission, and then I sprinted the fuck over to the movie theatre to get money out on eftpos and buy myself two shirts. Came back and collapsed into the seat again with about five minutes to spare.
[My writing gets MUCH worse from this point. I overcompensated from having realised that I was getting like four lines of writing on a page and now it all overlaps.]
Hunter-gatherer. "I'm a hunter-gatherer. Or, a hunter. Not a gatherer." *mimes throwing spear, turns back and waves limply* "can you gather that?"
The kamikaze canary made a comeback here.
"I don't think I'd hunt wooly mammoth, though." *mimes throwing spear again* "He's still coming, and he has my spear! make a new one... leave bits for the archaeologists.... ohdearifeelrathersquashed"
Cro-magnon man: "*sigh* I'm so very nearly extinct."
Homo sapiens: just looking at swatches of moss for the new cave.
Homo sapiens: "so, where are you living at the moment?" cro-magnon man: "er, in my own filth?"
"gotta go kill a badger"
cave paintings... "there's one of the kids... there's another..." "they all look the same" "well, i'm no good with charcoal!"
something else that fell a bit flat, he stuffed up a line, took three goes to get the word out, mimed a correction "you don't even write with your left hand!"
"life is hard when you have alliteration disease"
[...what. the. FUCK. did I write here?? ...OH.]
early cave stories "there was a cave man... and he went out of the cave... and he came back!"
"there was a cave man... and he went out of the cave" "we've heard this one!" "and he found a MONSTER. and it killed him."
"twig spinning... that'll never catch on." "no, i was doing it before and it made the red and the yellow and i'm gonna call it "ow"." "that's a stupid fire jeff [something]" "oh, that's a much better name for it!" "what, fire?" "no, Jeff."
[me: the god of biscuits!]
"you see acupuncture on the telly and it looks like sliding tiny needles into you at the level below 'ah' and 'ow'"
"i've had acupuncture and it feels like being punctured by acus."
Failed guide dogs "i'm a dog, man, i can't deal with this!"
About how our customs people are insane about checking if people have fruit.
"Give us the apple!" "I have heroin..." "I don't care, give us the apple!"
Greyhounds and "don't they realise it's not a real bunny?" "a backwards running very fast bunny waving at us" bit about the dog catching up and leaping onto the bunny and sitting there and it was sodding hilarious.
Talking about the western film he did and how it was different to horse riding as a child.
"You don't ride a horse, the horse wears a child." (SO TRUE)
"ich bin ein cowboy"
"Saddam Hussein is now holed up somewhere with a 1970s Sharp tape recorder... 'people of Iran-' " "It's Iraq." "Shit, they're so close in the dictionary." "People of Iraq, I-" *sings something* "Shit! Why is there a 'dub' button on this? I don't need a dub button."
Talking about how his father was in yemen eight years and just learned four things - one beer, two beer, three beer, and 'god willing'. "And I asked him, dad, what's beer in arabic, and he said "beer". Turned out he just learned one two three." "Here comes Wayne, three beer!" "and now Simon is coming, three beer one beer!" "and now Debbie and Charlene!" "Three beer three beer two beer!"
"And then there was a coup and it got too dangerous, so dad said "right, we're moving" and we shifted to... Northern Ireland. Great instinct for danger."
Moving to Beddingford (? I think. Will check that.) "it's a community for old people. even the children have walking frames!"
Something about cuddly fish I just wrote down to scare Joy. ;)
"Kiosk. From the viking word "to kill with blood... and then serve tea afterwards." "
Icecreams and Dr Strangelove.
How he worked at the kiosk selling snacks and then a co-worker said they never counted stock so they could just help themselves to it "and one day, the stock truck did come, and I was terrified, but he wasn't counting stock, just replenishing it. and I said "i'll have some of those... and a box of those... and some of those." "He replenished my entire shed. And I ate it all again." "And then the council came back at the end of summer and blew it up."
Talked about biking all the way from where he lived back to... somewhere I forget... and his dad gave him the map from a franchise of roadside cafes, so he ate at all of them and came back twice the size of a whale.
...that's all very random and not as funny on paper but that's everything I can recall/wrote down/decipherable, so... i hope it makes sense. It's mostly for me to remember, I think.
Memo to self: figure out how the dictaphone works before you leave.
EDIT: must add tooth decay bit.
EDIT EDIT: eeeee!
the 'who am i?' is EDGE
and they're playing Electrical Storm AND FUCK ME I GOT THROUGH AND WON ANDI DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WON