and you flew with it on your back
a name in your recollection
I just spent the better part of a half hour re-doing my journal and whenever I do this I always read old entries. I was hitting random tags and I ended up reading a long ass entry from October 2006 when tony went to Texas for a month ( shiftyboyd.livejournal.com/tag/thirty+days.). As much as I don't want to spend any more energy or writing on him, I feel that it is essential to venting my feelings on the matter, especially since it hasn't even been a year since I left him. I don't feel like I'm out of line still talking about it from time to time. I like to keep track of my emotional progress; it helps me when I look back months or years later to get a retrospective view on how much I've changed and grown and developed strength.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
I've realized, at this point in my life, that I need to move on. Let it go, remember it, but let it go. I don't want to be hung up on the hurt anymore. I've also realized that I've never been so free from pain in my entire life. I've never felt so at ease and zen-like. And I know why. I took control of my life and left behind something I loved more than myself because it wasn't good for me. This has been an incredible learning experience for me, and I'm getting to the point where I can think of the good things he was and not feel the hurt. The good things don't hurt anymore. They just remind me of why I fell in love with him. They remind me that I didn't make a horrible judgement call. That the way he is isn't my fault. That there were some good things in him, but they weren't enough to keep me satisfied. And knowing that makes me feel a little better about everything. I can look back at that relationship and know that I was in it a hundred percent, and so was he, in his way. What he gave was all he was capable of, and I have to give him credit, albeit what he was capable of wasn't enough. It's unfortunate, looking back at the course my relationship took, because we connected so well.
eyes of a fallen angel.
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. oh well.
apparently nothing.
apparently nothing at all.
I just spent the better part of a half hour re-doing my journal and whenever I do this I always read old entries. I was hitting random tags and I ended up reading a long ass entry from October 2006 when tony went to Texas for a month ( shiftyboyd.livejournal.com/tag/thirty+days.). As much as I don't want to spend any more energy or writing on him, I feel that it is essential to venting my feelings on the matter, especially since it hasn't even been a year since I left him. I don't feel like I'm out of line still talking about it from time to time. I like to keep track of my emotional progress; it helps me when I look back months or years later to get a retrospective view on how much I've changed and grown and developed strength.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
I've realized, at this point in my life, that I need to move on. Let it go, remember it, but let it go. I don't want to be hung up on the hurt anymore. I've also realized that I've never been so free from pain in my entire life. I've never felt so at ease and zen-like. And I know why. I took control of my life and left behind something I loved more than myself because it wasn't good for me. This has been an incredible learning experience for me, and I'm getting to the point where I can think of the good things he was and not feel the hurt. The good things don't hurt anymore. They just remind me of why I fell in love with him. They remind me that I didn't make a horrible judgement call. That the way he is isn't my fault. That there were some good things in him, but they weren't enough to keep me satisfied. And knowing that makes me feel a little better about everything. I can look back at that relationship and know that I was in it a hundred percent, and so was he, in his way. What he gave was all he was capable of, and I have to give him credit, albeit what he was capable of wasn't enough. It's unfortunate, looking back at the course my relationship took, because we connected so well.
eyes of a fallen angel.
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. oh well.
apparently nothing.
apparently nothing at all.