unfortunate things
I went to visit a friend in France during August, and it turns out she's super into kpop fandom and slowly, over the course of several weeks, managed to drag me back in. This is acceptable, because I'm really only catching up with the two bands I was in the fandom for in 2008/9 and watching drama. Howeeeever this means that I've been combing through old journals I remember reading fic in that were mostly abandoned in 2011 so whenever I look at this stuff late at night I start to feel really maudlin about lj based fandom and The Good Old Days.
Honestly, my real problem is that the first time I was in kpop fandom, I was a semi-angsty teen with two best friends who were really depressed (and had a long, messy friend breakup with me in the middle), so even the stuff that is happy makes me want to lie on the floor in a pool of tears if I think about it too hard.
To further compound all of this, I recently friend broke up with Katie (not that she really acknowledged it) (also she was one of the friends that was with me through kpop, the one I stuck with after the fight). In retrospect, she probably stopped liking me as much a looooooong time ago and she constantly made me feel terrible about myself, but she was my best friend for seven years and I thought she was going to be in my life forever. She had even incorporated herself into my family. :(( I'm not upset about it in a histrionic way - she's been absent from so many things for the past six months that it's not like I can suddenly start to miss her - but I've been lying around listening to this song, realizing that maybe I should have more self respect in relationships, and that it isn't normal for your best friend to start liking you less every time she has friends other than you.
I've decided overall that I should stop being best friends with anyone that seems a. even slightly depressed and b. owns a fancy camera and fancies themselves a photographer. Because so far I'm 4/4 for depressed photographer best friends that have betrayed or abandoned me, usually for other depressed photographers. No matter how much I enjoy being someone's personal ray of sunshine and feeling helpful, ultimately they're not going to have any stake in the relationship because of that dumb psycological effect where the more favours you do for someone, the more you like them rather than the other way around.
In other news, I'm excited for Yuletide! I feel a little dumb for not nominating that kdrama I asked for last year, but the pairing is so weird I might as well just write it for myself (because otherwise I'd just be making Unagi write me another one. you are the best, Unagi!! ♥). Sigh.
Honestly, my real problem is that the first time I was in kpop fandom, I was a semi-angsty teen with two best friends who were really depressed (and had a long, messy friend breakup with me in the middle), so even the stuff that is happy makes me want to lie on the floor in a pool of tears if I think about it too hard.
To further compound all of this, I recently friend broke up with Katie (not that she really acknowledged it) (also she was one of the friends that was with me through kpop, the one I stuck with after the fight). In retrospect, she probably stopped liking me as much a looooooong time ago and she constantly made me feel terrible about myself, but she was my best friend for seven years and I thought she was going to be in my life forever. She had even incorporated herself into my family. :(( I'm not upset about it in a histrionic way - she's been absent from so many things for the past six months that it's not like I can suddenly start to miss her - but I've been lying around listening to this song, realizing that maybe I should have more self respect in relationships, and that it isn't normal for your best friend to start liking you less every time she has friends other than you.
I've decided overall that I should stop being best friends with anyone that seems a. even slightly depressed and b. owns a fancy camera and fancies themselves a photographer. Because so far I'm 4/4 for depressed photographer best friends that have betrayed or abandoned me, usually for other depressed photographers. No matter how much I enjoy being someone's personal ray of sunshine and feeling helpful, ultimately they're not going to have any stake in the relationship because of that dumb psycological effect where the more favours you do for someone, the more you like them rather than the other way around.
In other news, I'm excited for Yuletide! I feel a little dumb for not nominating that kdrama I asked for last year, but the pairing is so weird I might as well just write it for myself (because otherwise I'd just be making Unagi write me another one. you are the best, Unagi!! ♥). Sigh.