fate
My Father was always a gambler. Every night he was at the dog track, chain-smoking cigarettes, keeping records of every greyhound and winning money. He told me that when I was a baby, he would take me there and I would run around, trying to impress everyone. All the men would pick me up and put me on their lap, and try to teach me how to bet. I have distant memories of this one fairly large man with a gold chain necklace. I think his name was Joey. A few years later, I asked my father what had happened to him, and he told me that he had died, but that he was still a gambler in heaven. He broke the news to me in the car, and I remember looking up at the clouds wondering if it was possible to bet greyhounds from all the way up there.
Gambling. My Father always told me that sometimes it was easier just to lie than to admit the truth to the people around me. Never lie to yourself, he would say, but never get too close to anyone to let them understand the truth. Count your friends on one hand, and never give a fuck about what anyone thinks. There is no such thing as loyalty. No loyalty, no betrayal. No heartbreaks, no misery. It all made perfect sense to him, and I try to see things that simply, but sometimes I just can’t.
I’m a gambler, but I gamble with my emotions. Like him, I do most things out of rage, happiness, or impulse. I also ignore the conscience inside of me that is screaming “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO”, and I just do whatever I feel is right. Even if in the long run I will regret it, or it makes me miserable. I get tangled up in situations where being rational is impossible. There is always some drama, act of passion, or argument happening, and I live for it. I live for the drama. I live for having the chance to make everything right, even if I am constantly repeating the same stupid mistakes and setting myself up for failure. But I just know what I want. I know exactly what I want all the time, and I have a plan for getting it. Sometimes, the chance of emotional fulfillment is worth the risk. Sometimes, you have to go through the drama in order to truly get the happiness you want and deserve. Even if it doesn’t work out right away, it’s the hope; the chance, the gamble. Not giving up; I don’t give up on love.
Nick and I were talking about fate and how things happen unexpectedly, and how hard it is to be rational when your emotions won’t allow it. He said he wanted to let fate decide what to do, as if there really was someone else out there playing our lives like marionettes. I told him I didn’t trust fate, and that I’d find a way to manipulate it into my favor. I thought about my father. We both laughed, it was a nice moment.