kairos

Oct 02, 2009 02:37

Author: presea
Prompt: 23. real;
Word Count: 758
Summary: A look into Emil's state of mind during the past few months.
Author Notes/Warnings: Spoilers, some poorly-written Stream of Consciousness, blatant plagiarization of the game script/journal entries. The term "kairos" is used in theology to describe the qualitative form of time. In rhetoric kairos is "a passing instant when an opening appears which must be driven through with force if success is to be achieved." - Wikipedia Meant to go with something from Crane's side, so I hope this works out.



Kairos
-

Emil dreams of a library so big that he could fit all of Luin inside it. In it, there are people in white coats who smile and nod at him, though he can feel their disapproving glances. He doesn’t understand. What has he done? But then he hears someone muttering behind him, someone familiar.

“Ignore them.”

“… I know.” Richter, wearing a similar coat, takes a seat at a long table away from everyone else. Emil sets a stack of thick books between them. The rest of their conversation dissolves into some language he doesn’t understand, and he feels himself slipping out of his own body into the deep darkness of sleep.

-

45

Right as we were about to get through Hakonesia Peak, I had a vision. Or maybe it wasn't a vision. I'm not really sure. But it was really strange. Richter was in it and I guess that's all I remember about it.

-

“Richter! Ratatosk isn’t a demon lord!” Emil clenches his fists, his firewood-gathering chore forgotten as soon as the monster attacked. “If you’d just listen to what Marta and Tenebrae have to say, you’d-“

Richter sets his icy stare on the dark-clad boy. “Ratatosk is my enemy,” he says evenly, emphasizing that his opinion is final.

But Emil isn’t ready to give up. “Why? I-“ He’s cut off by his own gasp of pain. He jerks as a furious vision runs through his mind: icy green eyes, red hair flying, fire all around. Why is this happening? “What is this? What is-“ The pain is overwhelming. Anger, fear. And as he doubles over and falls to his knees, he can plainly see the red eyes of a monster staring down at him. He screams.

The redhead rushes over and kneels by his side, suddenly tossing away the façade of apathy. “Emil!? What’s wrong?” But his voice sounds so distant. Emil is losing touch again, reaching out, and on the very tips of his fingers he can see light burning his life away like poisonous fire.

-

66

When we got to Triet, it was snowing. Apparently Triet is some kind of desert. If it’s snowing, then it means that things are only going to get worse if we don’t awaken Ratatosk soon.

I had another vision while I was on the Astral Plane without Marta. I can’t remember much about it, but I think Mu saw through my excuse and he’s starting to worry. I’m fine, though. I just wish the dreams would just leave me alone. Maybe this journey is taking a lot more out of me than I realized.

-

“Emil? Who’s that?”

“Why does everyone keep calling me that? I really, really think you’re all mistaken.”

“Emil? That’s not my name. I think you have me confused for someone else.”

-

“Why? W-why? Why is this-“ Why is this happening? Why does it hurt? Dreams shouldn’t hurt. Dreams like memories, memories like dreams, memories that should be memories but don’t add up. It’s just because he’s easy to forget. It’s just because he’s Emil, the boy with the Vanguard parents. He’s in a carriage and it’s bumpy, and he hits his head, and then he’s staring at the sea and then it’s those eyes. Those red-brown eyes and that dark smirk and he’s here and his swords are on fire and

steel steel everything is steel and cold and hot and there are tears running down his face and they’re dead. No. His tears are alive. His parents are dead. “Emil... Emil..." Emil...

I’ll kill you! I’ll kill all of you! You pathetic, worthless- “I’ll destroy every last one of you!”

Destroy who? Why is he

“Why am I so angry?” He’s scared that he’ll hurt Marta. He’s scared that he’ll hurt Mu. He’s scared. He has to get stronger. He has to stop being afraid of himself. Stop being
stop doing

stop

stop

STOP!

-

71

I finally found my journal. Don’t worry, Marta and I will go back and write in what we missed.

I think something is wrong with me. I’m starting to forget things, like what a library is. Marta said that I didn’t even recognize her, and then I found this little notebook in my stuff that I don’t remember writing in. I don’t understand. What’s happening to me? Is this the price of making a pact with Ratatosk? Is this what Richter tried to warn me about? It's like I'm losing myself.

Marta’s been really supportive about all of this, just like everyone else. I’m really grateful for that.

I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish I knew what to do. I'm so weak, and I'm afraid, and... I'm sorry.

-

... also. Can I have a tag now? LMAO. THANK YOU~ ♥

23. real, tales of symphonia (d2) emil castagnier

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