Coping
Author: quirkypeanutblu
Character/Fandom: Hei/Darker than BLACK
Prompt: 08. in repair
Word Count:
Summary: Hei tries to cope with what happened to him.
Author’s Notes/Warnings: Angst, existentialism, references to graphic violence. Dunno about this one-the end feels a bit too cutesy. Also, I promise Hei’s next prompt will be a cheerful one ; ;
There were things he hadn’t expected to miss. Little things: the smell of himself on his pillow; the sound of water from a faucet; the floorboard near the door that always squeaked.
“Miss” was perhaps not the right word. There hadn’t been time enough to miss anything. Just a brief, final flash of pain, then momentary darkness before he was opening his eyes to see the Twins staring down at him. It had been like coming awake; simple, effortless. No, it wasn’t that he had missed anything-just that he was noticing things more now. The little things that were unimportant, easy to miss, that you walked by every single day without really seeing them.
Water had a scent; he had never thought about it before.
His apartment hadn’t changed, though he wasn’t sure if he’d been expecting it to. The same view through the window, the same vibration in the walls as the people downstairs played their music too loud, the same drippy faucet, the same lone nail sticking out of the wall, the same dead flies in the windowsill. It was as empty as ever. Hei didn’t have many belongings-they were unnecessary, and difficult to transport when you needed to disappear suddenly. But this place was just…empty. It could have been vacant, if not for the leftovers in the fridge and the coat hung by the door. This wasn’t a living space, let alone a home.
Home. That was a funny concept.
He felt like he was suffocating. He opened the window as wide as it would go, but his head was spinning, his heart was pounding, and it was like sinking beneath the surface of some great, dark ocean.
Hei grabbed his coat and walked out.
-------
He wandered. Tokyo was massive, but he knew he wouldn’t get lost, even if he wasn’t paying attention to street signs. At the same time, he was hyper-aware-of the area, of the people around him, of any changes in the crowds or conversations or, hell, the air, that could indicate danger. He could almost convince himself that he had always been this way-he had always been careful; it sort of came with the career, after all. He could almost convince himself that the nervousness, the way he kept checking the crowds, the fact that he had almost drawn a knife on strangers twice during the last hour was nothing, nothing at all.
He could tell himself that he wasn’t looking for them, wasn’t expecting to feel their eyes on him at every second, wasn’t waiting for that telltale feeling of being hunted.
It was unnaturally hot for fall, hot and muggy. There were dark clouds overhead that promised no rain, only heaviness and heat lightning. It was oppressive. Tokyo seemed darker, but that was probably just him. There were more sirens than usual.
Hei paused. He had somehow arrived outside of Yin’s cigarette shop. He hadn’t spoken to her since coming back.
She was there, like always, sitting motionless in the shadows of the shop. He hesitated nearby before leaning forward on the counter.
“Yin.”
Wordlessly, she reached forward and took one of his hands. He had to clench his other hand into a fist to keep himself from jerking backward.
“Hei. Hei, are you sad?” She was concerned-as concerned as she could be, anyway.
It was awhile before he answered. “Not really.”
Her grip tightened ever so slightly before she drew her hand back. He desperately hoped she didn’t hear his sigh of relief.
“Hei. Don’t…go away.”
He closed his eyes and leaned against the side of the cigarette shop.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
-------
He hadn’t slept since coming back. He had tried, but he could barely stand to be in his apartment for more than an hour. Most of his time was spent wandering the city, walking from one end to the other, never coming within two miles of the wall of the Gate. He hadn’t eaten much since then, either.
It was taking its toll. He had almost fallen asleep on a park bench and probably would have if he hadn’t remembered where he was and realized that anyone, anyone could have come upon him like that. He had startled himself back to awareness, and it had taken almost a full half hour just to stop shaking.
He could see it, every time he closed his eyes, every time he tried to sleep. Running through Tokyo and the Plane, with them always just one step behind. Being hunted--and he couldn’t help but wonder if that’s how all of those people he had hunted and killed over the years had felt. The fear, the desperation, the anger and vague disbelief when they finally caught him. It had been so easy.
Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it. The mantra wasn’t helping. He was dizzy now, stumbling, and fortunately it was late enough that those nearby merely thought him drunk.
If he could have just forgotten about it, just buried it somewhere where he would never have to look at it again, never have to acknowledge what the Masters had done-he would have done it in an instant. But he couldn’t. It was always right there in front of him, always there whenever he closed his eyes, always there for him to see and relive over and over and over.
Wires biting into flesh. The sound of their laughter. The way they forced their way into his head, as if they’d become a part of him. The things they made him see. The scent of his own blood. The scent of them. The feeling of teeth in flesh. The terror of slowly suffocating, bit by bit and moment by moment. The screaming. The pain. The realization that he really, truly, was going to die.
Hei ducked into an alley and was sick in the nearest trashcan.
“Too much to drink tonight, sonny?”
Hei wiped his mouth and looked up at the speaker, an elderly man watching with an expression halfway between disgust and disapproval.
“You ought to take better care of yourself. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, no sense destroying yourself so early!”
Hei couldn’t help it-he burst out laughing.
-------
Somehow he had come to Antimilos.
The island was where one of the wharves had been. The subway actually still ran here; it was odd to see a station here among the rocks and goats. Hei had boarded the train without really thinking, and now here he was.
Milo wasn’t here, but that was to be expected. He was in France now with Camus, and had been avoiding Sanctuary as well as the island ever since he had died. Hei hadn’t seen him in awhile; for all he knew, Milo had disappeared like some of the others on the Plane. Like everyone always did, eventually.
Hei walked around the island, along the coast, into the center, through herds of bored-looking goats. It was evening; the false stars would be coming out soon. Hei wondered if, maybe, he’d be able to catch a glimpse of the real stars from here-he was sort of in Greece, after all.
The exhaustion that hit him seemed to come from out of nowhere; suddenly Hei was stumbling and sinking to the ground. He slid backwards until he was sitting against a rock and for the next few moments just focused on breathing. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking now, or even how long he’d gone without sleep.
The island was silent, except for the waves and the goats and the occasional buzz of an insect. Hei watched the light begin to leave Antimilos as the sun finally sank below the horizon. Antimilos; this was Milo’s island. He had been raised here, had trained and fought and killed.
Had it been the same for Milo? For Shun, for Misaki, for Sam and Gene? That one last flash of pain, then the fading feeling, then the darkness? Had they awakened on that cold table under the smiling Twins and felt that only moments had passed? All of them had made the transition as well as could be expected. It had been different for each of them, but it seemed that within a few days, they had each come to terms with dying, and within a few days of that had come to terms with living again.
Then why wasn’t it the same way for him? How come he was the only one of them all who was so weak? He was a Contractor; things like this were supposed to slide off of him like water. He had faced death before, had faced torture before. And yet he couldn’t even begin to examine just what had happened to him, and the thought of trying to understand just why he was alive now when he should have been dead made his mind simply shut down.
Time. I just need time. I just…
“Brother, why are you crying?”
She was there, of course, standing before him, backlit by the last remnants of the sun.
“I wasn’t.” He raised his fingers to his face to make sure he really hadn’t been.
She stared down at him, her face as unreadable as ever.
“You’re not weak,” she said. “I never once thought you weak.”
“You’re not real.”
“You’re only human.”
“Don’t. Don’t say that.” He dropped his gaze and stared at the rocks. This was a hallucination, or perhaps a dream. Either way, ignoring it would make it go away.
“But you are, Brother.” He heard her shift, and the next thing he knew she was laying her hands on the sides of his face. He could almost feel her, a vague coolness on his skin.
“Bai…”
“They hurt you terribly this time, didn’t they?” There was a flicker in her eyes, like she was trying to remember something.
“Brother, can it be the other way around today?” And suddenly she was nine again, staring at him with impossible concern and warmth. “Can I be your big sister today? Cause you take care of me all the time! But it’s not really fair, right? So today, can I take care of you?”
She smiled, big and bright, and his breath caught in his throat.
“Okay! Now, I’m the big sister. So I’ll look after you and protect you, okay? From monsters and ogres and things! Don’t worry, Brother, I’ll stay with you the whole time so that nothing bad happens. Right? Right?”
He reached up to try and take her hands, but just like that she was gone, disappearing like dust.
Hei dropped his hands back to his sides and sighed. After awhile he looked upwards. Maybe the stars here really would be real.
The sky above was overcast.
He smiled a little, for the first time in days. And a few minutes later he was asleep, curled up between the rocks.
Character/Fandom: Hei/Darker than BLACK
Prompt: 08. in repair
Word Count:
Summary: Hei tries to cope with what happened to him.
Author’s Notes/Warnings: Angst, existentialism, references to graphic violence. Dunno about this one-the end feels a bit too cutesy. Also, I promise Hei’s next prompt will be a cheerful one ; ;
There were things he hadn’t expected to miss. Little things: the smell of himself on his pillow; the sound of water from a faucet; the floorboard near the door that always squeaked.
“Miss” was perhaps not the right word. There hadn’t been time enough to miss anything. Just a brief, final flash of pain, then momentary darkness before he was opening his eyes to see the Twins staring down at him. It had been like coming awake; simple, effortless. No, it wasn’t that he had missed anything-just that he was noticing things more now. The little things that were unimportant, easy to miss, that you walked by every single day without really seeing them.
Water had a scent; he had never thought about it before.
His apartment hadn’t changed, though he wasn’t sure if he’d been expecting it to. The same view through the window, the same vibration in the walls as the people downstairs played their music too loud, the same drippy faucet, the same lone nail sticking out of the wall, the same dead flies in the windowsill. It was as empty as ever. Hei didn’t have many belongings-they were unnecessary, and difficult to transport when you needed to disappear suddenly. But this place was just…empty. It could have been vacant, if not for the leftovers in the fridge and the coat hung by the door. This wasn’t a living space, let alone a home.
Home. That was a funny concept.
He felt like he was suffocating. He opened the window as wide as it would go, but his head was spinning, his heart was pounding, and it was like sinking beneath the surface of some great, dark ocean.
Hei grabbed his coat and walked out.
-------
He wandered. Tokyo was massive, but he knew he wouldn’t get lost, even if he wasn’t paying attention to street signs. At the same time, he was hyper-aware-of the area, of the people around him, of any changes in the crowds or conversations or, hell, the air, that could indicate danger. He could almost convince himself that he had always been this way-he had always been careful; it sort of came with the career, after all. He could almost convince himself that the nervousness, the way he kept checking the crowds, the fact that he had almost drawn a knife on strangers twice during the last hour was nothing, nothing at all.
He could tell himself that he wasn’t looking for them, wasn’t expecting to feel their eyes on him at every second, wasn’t waiting for that telltale feeling of being hunted.
It was unnaturally hot for fall, hot and muggy. There were dark clouds overhead that promised no rain, only heaviness and heat lightning. It was oppressive. Tokyo seemed darker, but that was probably just him. There were more sirens than usual.
Hei paused. He had somehow arrived outside of Yin’s cigarette shop. He hadn’t spoken to her since coming back.
She was there, like always, sitting motionless in the shadows of the shop. He hesitated nearby before leaning forward on the counter.
“Yin.”
Wordlessly, she reached forward and took one of his hands. He had to clench his other hand into a fist to keep himself from jerking backward.
“Hei. Hei, are you sad?” She was concerned-as concerned as she could be, anyway.
It was awhile before he answered. “Not really.”
Her grip tightened ever so slightly before she drew her hand back. He desperately hoped she didn’t hear his sigh of relief.
“Hei. Don’t…go away.”
He closed his eyes and leaned against the side of the cigarette shop.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
-------
He hadn’t slept since coming back. He had tried, but he could barely stand to be in his apartment for more than an hour. Most of his time was spent wandering the city, walking from one end to the other, never coming within two miles of the wall of the Gate. He hadn’t eaten much since then, either.
It was taking its toll. He had almost fallen asleep on a park bench and probably would have if he hadn’t remembered where he was and realized that anyone, anyone could have come upon him like that. He had startled himself back to awareness, and it had taken almost a full half hour just to stop shaking.
He could see it, every time he closed his eyes, every time he tried to sleep. Running through Tokyo and the Plane, with them always just one step behind. Being hunted--and he couldn’t help but wonder if that’s how all of those people he had hunted and killed over the years had felt. The fear, the desperation, the anger and vague disbelief when they finally caught him. It had been so easy.
Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it. The mantra wasn’t helping. He was dizzy now, stumbling, and fortunately it was late enough that those nearby merely thought him drunk.
If he could have just forgotten about it, just buried it somewhere where he would never have to look at it again, never have to acknowledge what the Masters had done-he would have done it in an instant. But he couldn’t. It was always right there in front of him, always there whenever he closed his eyes, always there for him to see and relive over and over and over.
Wires biting into flesh. The sound of their laughter. The way they forced their way into his head, as if they’d become a part of him. The things they made him see. The scent of his own blood. The scent of them. The feeling of teeth in flesh. The terror of slowly suffocating, bit by bit and moment by moment. The screaming. The pain. The realization that he really, truly, was going to die.
Hei ducked into an alley and was sick in the nearest trashcan.
“Too much to drink tonight, sonny?”
Hei wiped his mouth and looked up at the speaker, an elderly man watching with an expression halfway between disgust and disapproval.
“You ought to take better care of yourself. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, no sense destroying yourself so early!”
Hei couldn’t help it-he burst out laughing.
-------
Somehow he had come to Antimilos.
The island was where one of the wharves had been. The subway actually still ran here; it was odd to see a station here among the rocks and goats. Hei had boarded the train without really thinking, and now here he was.
Milo wasn’t here, but that was to be expected. He was in France now with Camus, and had been avoiding Sanctuary as well as the island ever since he had died. Hei hadn’t seen him in awhile; for all he knew, Milo had disappeared like some of the others on the Plane. Like everyone always did, eventually.
Hei walked around the island, along the coast, into the center, through herds of bored-looking goats. It was evening; the false stars would be coming out soon. Hei wondered if, maybe, he’d be able to catch a glimpse of the real stars from here-he was sort of in Greece, after all.
The exhaustion that hit him seemed to come from out of nowhere; suddenly Hei was stumbling and sinking to the ground. He slid backwards until he was sitting against a rock and for the next few moments just focused on breathing. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking now, or even how long he’d gone without sleep.
The island was silent, except for the waves and the goats and the occasional buzz of an insect. Hei watched the light begin to leave Antimilos as the sun finally sank below the horizon. Antimilos; this was Milo’s island. He had been raised here, had trained and fought and killed.
Had it been the same for Milo? For Shun, for Misaki, for Sam and Gene? That one last flash of pain, then the fading feeling, then the darkness? Had they awakened on that cold table under the smiling Twins and felt that only moments had passed? All of them had made the transition as well as could be expected. It had been different for each of them, but it seemed that within a few days, they had each come to terms with dying, and within a few days of that had come to terms with living again.
Then why wasn’t it the same way for him? How come he was the only one of them all who was so weak? He was a Contractor; things like this were supposed to slide off of him like water. He had faced death before, had faced torture before. And yet he couldn’t even begin to examine just what had happened to him, and the thought of trying to understand just why he was alive now when he should have been dead made his mind simply shut down.
Time. I just need time. I just…
“Brother, why are you crying?”
She was there, of course, standing before him, backlit by the last remnants of the sun.
“I wasn’t.” He raised his fingers to his face to make sure he really hadn’t been.
She stared down at him, her face as unreadable as ever.
“You’re not weak,” she said. “I never once thought you weak.”
“You’re not real.”
“You’re only human.”
“Don’t. Don’t say that.” He dropped his gaze and stared at the rocks. This was a hallucination, or perhaps a dream. Either way, ignoring it would make it go away.
“But you are, Brother.” He heard her shift, and the next thing he knew she was laying her hands on the sides of his face. He could almost feel her, a vague coolness on his skin.
“Bai…”
“They hurt you terribly this time, didn’t they?” There was a flicker in her eyes, like she was trying to remember something.
“Brother, can it be the other way around today?” And suddenly she was nine again, staring at him with impossible concern and warmth. “Can I be your big sister today? Cause you take care of me all the time! But it’s not really fair, right? So today, can I take care of you?”
She smiled, big and bright, and his breath caught in his throat.
“Okay! Now, I’m the big sister. So I’ll look after you and protect you, okay? From monsters and ogres and things! Don’t worry, Brother, I’ll stay with you the whole time so that nothing bad happens. Right? Right?”
He reached up to try and take her hands, but just like that she was gone, disappearing like dust.
Hei dropped his hands back to his sides and sighed. After awhile he looked upwards. Maybe the stars here really would be real.
The sky above was overcast.
He smiled a little, for the first time in days. And a few minutes later he was asleep, curled up between the rocks.