Going Down, Chapter Seventeen: What Was Broken
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Rating: R/NC-17
Credit: Annie Proulx and Diana Ossana & Larry McMurtry. Thanks also to all the many incredibly talented writers out there who inspired me to finally write something myself-Madlori, Jenna, Maggie, montana-crows, Cathalin, midwest-girl, debutante9, maidenofthesea, marakeshsparrow, louisev, amtamburo, midget-size, testa-dura, and many others. Finally, thank you very very much to Christine, my friend and beta and fellow ennisjack aficionado.
Feedback: Any and all appreciated, at my lj or at shieldmaid@gmail.com.
Chapter Seventeen: What Was Broken
Jack sat down at the dining room table, folding his hands carefully in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Bobby playing on the living room floor, holding one brightly colored truck in each hand as though they were talking to one another. The trucks clicked together suddenly, and Bobby laughed, a light, sweet sound that cut Jack to the heart. He looked down at his hands, laced together on the tabletop, and sighed. His fingers were clenched so tight that they were turning red around the nails.
“Well?” Lureen was looking at him from the other side of the table. When they ate dinner together, she usually sat next to him at the oversized oak table, but this morning he could measure her discomfort by the fact that she had chosen a chair as far away as she could get. Neither of them seemed to know exactly what protocol should be followed in a situation like this one. Doubt there’s any rules can be followed for tellin’ your wife you been in love with a man for all the years she’s known you, Jack thought grimly.
“Well, I . . .” Jack began. His stomach tightened, and he felt a little dizzy. He could hear a distant pounding that seemed to emanate from the center of his skull, and he wondered if he might be developing a sudden brain tumor. “I got somethin’ important to tell you. Somethin’ I shoulda said long ago.”
“Uh huh?” Lureen looked pale. She had gotten into bed for an hour after her return from the hospital, but then had insisted on getting up to take a shower and feed Bobby his lunch. Now the circles of flesh under her eyes were bruise-purple and her hands were shaking slightly.
“You OK, honey?” Jack asked. “Need to go lay down again?”
“In a little while. Jus think we need to have this talk real bad right now.” Lureen pushed her hair back from her forehead and let her hand drop to the table, as if even that small effort had exhausted her. Her diamond ring clinked dully against the smooth surface.
“All right, then.” Jack gathered himself, sitting straighter in his chair and biting at his bottom lip. “It’s jus . . . the person I been seein’ the last few months. Probably not someone you was expectin’.” He pursed his lips. “But it’s someone you just met too.”
Lureen looked at him blankly. After a moment she nodded, indicating that he should go on.
“It’s . . . it’s Ennis, Lureen.” Jack’s heart was thumping wildly by this time. His sweaty palms slipped when he tried to brace his hands against the table’s solid weight.
“What’s Ennis? He know this girl too?” Lureen frowned. “Not his wife, is it? Seemed like you two was real concerned ‘bout somethin’ when he was here.”
“No, Reenie.” Jack was starting to feel desperate. “It’s Ennis. He’s the one I been seein’.” He cleared his throat and wiped his hands on his jeans. “I . . . I’m gonna go to Riverton ‘n get him when you ‘n me got everythin’ figured. We’re gonna move to Colorado, I think. Find a new town where we can both get jobs, maybe get a house.”
Lureen didn’t move. Her expression didn’t change. Other than a shaky intake of breath, she made no sound at all.
Jack held her gaze for a few moments, then looked to the side to check on Bobby, who was occupied with trying to remove the ladder from his fire truck. Nearly five minutes passed before Jack had the courage to look up again.
Tears were rolling silently down her face, leaving dark spots on her red blouse. She let them fall without seeming to notice. Her face was white, her lips pressed into a thin, pinched line.
“Honey?” Jack was alarmed. He got up and went over to crouch next to her chair. “Reenie? Are you feelin’ bad?” When she didn’t respond, he reached up and took her hand. It was as cold as if she had been sitting outside for hours. “I’m gonna get you a glass a water.” He started to get up, but she grabbed his hand suddenly.
“Jack?” Her voice was so low he could barely hear her. “You . . . ‘n Ennis?”
Jack looked down for a moment, then quickly up. “That’s right, sweetheart,” he said in the gentlest tone he could muster. “He’s the one I met a long time ago. We, uh, we . . . got together up on Brokeback.” He released her hand and touched her shoulder instead, rubbing back and forth slowly across the tense muscles. “Never meant to hurt you. I jus never forgot ‘bout him, ‘n when I got the chance to see him again, I couldn’t-I had to go.”
Lureen took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. “When you went fishin’ with him in the fall, you was . . . together?”
Jack felt tears pricking at the backs of his eyes, a painful swelling growing in his throat. “Yeah.” He had to swallow hard before he could continue. “I ain’t real proud a that, but . . . Ennis, he’s somethin’. Somethin’ better than I ever known. Better ‘n I ever dreamed. Bein’ with him makes me- Well.”
Lureen turned her head to look at him. “Makes you what, Jack? Makes you somethin’ you ain’t otherwise?”
“No, honey, it ain’t like that. I . . . don’t know why it happened this way, but I ain’t been exactly surprised by events.” Jack gave her a small smile, hoping to surprise one out of her in return.
“You . . . queer, Jack?” Pink streaked Lureen’s cheeks as she gazed at him, her eyes open and wet. “That what you’re tryin’ to say?”
“I guess, honey, that-yeah. That’s it.” Jack gripped his knees with both hands. His thighs were beginning to ache. “Took Ennis to make me see it, but now-there ain’t no goin’ back.”
“Was it me . . . made you this way?” Her voice was small, feathered through with barely contained emotion. “I ain’t been what you need?”
“No, honey.” Jack blinked, trying to force his tears back where they belonged. “It ain’t got nothin’ to do with you. You’re still the prettiest woman I ever known. I jus . . . ain’t built that way, I guess.”
“Ain’t built that way?” Lureen sniffed, and rubbed one hand slowly across her eyes. “So all this time-you jus been fakin’ it? With me ‘n Bobby?”
“Bobby . . . that’s one part a all this hurts real bad.” Jack gripped the edge of the table and stood up, then reached behind him to pull up a chair. “You gotta know, he’s the best thing ever happened to me. Sometimes I think it’s all been worth it, all my everlastin’ fuckups, jus knowin’ I had some small part in puttin’ him on this earth.” He leaned forward, his forearms on the table, feeling suddenly determined to make Lureen understand what was happening to him. “It’s jus-this is my chance. Ain’t nothin’ ever come to my hand the right way afore. I woulda left a long time ago, probably, but Ennis didn’t wanna hear nothin’ ‘bout that. After-well, you probably don’t wanna hear this.” He sighed and sat back in his chair.
To his surprise, Lureen nodded, still wiping at her eyes with a tissue. “Go on, Jack,” she said, her voice stronger than it had been. “I don’t think I ever seen you this happy ‘bout anythin’ before. I always wanted to know what was goin’ on inside your head-well, now I guess I do. No more’n I deserve anyway, shovin’ Patrick in your face like that.” She gave him a small smile. It was faint, weak, nothing like the grins that usually stretched her wide, beautiful mouth, but it was a start.
“Ah, sweetheart.” Jack felt suddenly embarrassed, but couldn’t stop his own smile. He cleared his throat and tried to think how to put it. “Ain’t too much to say, jus that after we met up to go fishin’, I wanted Ennis to stay. With me, I mean-I didn’t want him to go back to his family. But he was real worried ‘bout what people might think, ‘n he wanted to jus keep meetin’ up like that, back where no one’d see us, where we’d stay safe. I told him I couldn’t do that no more, it was killin’ me to drive away. Best jus to do it once. Like cuttin’ off a limb, I guess.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose between two fingers, remembering the devastation of that parting. After a moment or two, though, he heard a rustle beside him and came back to himself. “Anyway, then I didn’t hear from him for a real long time. I wasn’t feelin’ too good, thinkin’ on things too much, and, well, you know the rest.” He stopped, and the room was silent for a few minutes except from an occasional gurgle from Bobby, who had retreated to his favorite play area under the coffee table.
“Well,” Lureen said. She frowned, looking down at the table. “When he showed up here lookin’ for you, when you was up on the mountain, was it cause he was . . . missin’ you?” She coughed, then twisted in her seat to look at Bobby. “Honey,” she called softly. “Come out from under there. Don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Jack followed her example, turning to watch Bobby inching carefully backward, his butt up in the air. “Yeah,” he said, not looking at her. “He come up there lookin’ for me. Almost killed me, thinkin’ that I coulda missed him if’n I hadn’t gotten away from-well, never mind.”
A pause. “He seems like a kind man,” Lureen said at last. “He got any kids?”
“Yeah.” Jack had to smile. “He’s got two little girls. Only time I ever seen him happy talkin’ ‘bout Riverton, when he’s tellin’ me ‘bout them.” This reminded him of one of the reasons he was most anxious to talk to Lureen today. “You ain’t gonna . . . stop me from seein’ Bobby now, are you? Cause if that’s in your mind, then I won’t go. This is . . . the biggest thing I ever wanted, Reenie. For me, I mean. But it ain’t worth it if I gotta give up my boy.” He paused, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. He felt a little sick, dreading the return of the familiar vertigo that had been his companion for all those months.
“No, Jack,” Lureen said softly. “This ain’t easy news to hear from you, ‘n that’s the truth. But I hardly been innocent in this whole thing. Maybe if I’d spent more time takin’ care a you ‘n less time workin’ . . . well, I know I’m always gonna wonder if things coulda turned out different. Least now I’ve got Patrick. He ain’t perfect, a course, but then neither am I.” She hesitated, then reached out to touch a gentle fingertip to Jack’s sleeve.
He looked up then, and moved his hand forward to take hers. They sat together in silence for a few moments, squeezing their hands together, while Bobby gurgled over his trucks.
~~~
One week later, Jack was ready to leave. At dawn, his eyes snapped open as though a trumpet blast had just sounded next to his head. He showered and dressed quickly, then stood looking out of their bedroom at the brownish grass in the backyard. How long would it be until he saw this landscape again? Lureen had already agreed to bring Bobby halfway to meet him in two weeks, once he and Ennis had found temporary lodgings somewhere. She would contact her lawyer at the beginning of the next week to draw up the divorce papers. Since the house was in her name and she was the higher wage earner in their household, it would not be a complicated transaction.
Jack shook his head and turned away from the window, eager as always to get on the road. His suitcase and Ennis’s knapsack were already packed and waiting in the back of his truck. There was little left to do except to say goodbye to his son. He had even made his peace with Lureen’s new living arrangements. Patrick had come over for dinner the night before, and the three of them had passed a calm and civil two hours before Jack had excused himself to go for a walk. He had paced the sidewalks of their sterile Childress neighborhood for as long as he could stand it, returning just in time to see Patrick bestowing a deep kiss on his soon-to-be-ex-wife at their front door. Now, he bounded down the stairs to the living room, trying not to notice the toys scattered across the room and heaped in a basket in the corner. Bobby was sleeping in his playpen in the center of the room; the hour was early even for him. Jack picked him up and hugged him to his chest, then carried him outside to greet the day.
“Dah?” Bobby said sleepily, pointing one chubby finger at Jack’s truck.
Jack’s heart rose into his throat. “Yeah, buddy,” he said softly. “Daddy’s goin’ away in the truck now. But don’t worry-I’ll be seein’ you real soon.” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to the top of Bobby’s head, wondering how on earth he was going to keep from losing it completely, until he heard a pointed throat-clearing from behind him.
Lureen stood in the doorway wrapped in her robe, her arms crossed over her chest. Jack was reminded of his recent parting from Ennis. It had taken place in much the same way, at about the same time of day, but today’s emotional tone was very different. He felt a giddy sort of glee filling his chest, pushing down-but not entirely effacing-his sorrow over leaving Bobby, not to mention the low-level anxiety that had developed after he’d called Ennis at least twenty times over the past few days without reaching him at his Riverton apartment. No matter-he was more than likely working extra hours to make up for the time he had taken to come out to the Forest Service site looking for Jack. Jack would camp out in the parking lot of his building until Ennis came back, and then they could plan for their future. It would be the first time in his life that Jack had ever looked forward to any extended length of time.
“Better give him to me now, Jack, ‘n get goin’, if you’re hopin’ to make Riverton tonight,” Lureen said. She held out her arms and gave him a small, tight smile.
As Jack approached her, he was surprised to find that her eyes were shiny with tears. “Reenie,” he started.
“Don’t call me that,” she said suddenly. “Jus gimme Bobby. I gotta-I gotta get ready for work.” She blinked a few times and rubbed a fierce hand across her forehead.
“You’re goin’ in today? Faye’s comin’ to take care a him?” Jack was astonished. “You sure you’re feelin’ good enough to do that?”
Lureen pursed her lips. For all her paleness, and even without her signature dark red lipstick, she looked all at once like the girl he had watched barrel-racing in a red cowboy hat nearly three years before. That girl had been the only person to stir his loins after Ennis. Jack felt a deep sorrow at having to leave her behind. “The rest a the world don’t come to an end jus cause you’re movin’ out a state. Someone’s gotta earn a livin’,” she said, arching an eyebrow at him. “All right? I think it’s time.”
“OK,” Jack agreed. He kissed Bobby one more time, ran his hand gently across the silky hair, and handed him to Lureen. “Take care a yourself, honey,” he said. “I left Ennis’s number on the counter if you need anythin’, ‘n I’ll call you soon’s I get our new number too.”
“OK.”
She looked so small standing there that Jack leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Tell Faye I said goodbye. Don’t know if she’s ready to hear that from me yet, but-she always been good to me, ‘n I’ll miss her.” He winked at her, and turned away. Away from the small boy who had become the sun at the center of his universe-but toward the man who gave him air to breathe.
~~~
Jack groaned softly and shifted in his seat. His tailbone was killing him after nearly fifteen hours on the road. Though the sights along this route were still familiar to him from his last trip, they gave him no peace at this late hour. Thank god this would probably be the last time he’d have to drive this way alone. Once he and Ennis had settled on a town and way of life, he would be several hours closer to Lureen, and maybe she’d even be willing to keep meeting him halfway for his visits with Bobby. Who knew? Miracles could happen. And her heart had turned out to be much bigger than even he had known. The next such conversation might just be easier than this one had been. And from there-he could only imagine better things happening. He yawned and rubbed along his jaw line, rolling his eyes when he felt the heavy stubble. Should have taken the time to shave this morning, but he’d been too anxious to think about it.
Ten minutes later, he was suddenly wide awake, all his senses slamming into overdrive. The green mileage sign read, “Riverton - 41.” Less than an hour to go. How would Ennis greet him? Would they slam each other into the wall as they had the last time Jack had driven into town? Would Ennis pull him into the apartment to introduce him to Alma? Was Ennis-Jack’s heart nearly stopped at this possibility-already living elsewhere, Alma having kicked out her newly queer husband (not “new” atall, Jack reminded himself. Been that way goin’ on four years, at least)? But surely Ennis would have called to let him know if that were the case. His thoughts followed similarly unproductive paths for all the rest of the way, forty miles that seemed alternately to drag and to fly by.
Suddenly Jack was making the turn onto Main Street, and from there onto Ennis’s street. Ennis’s street. Well, no more. He cleared his throat and gripped the steering wheel tighter, leaning slightly forward as he saw the Laundromat. His truck found its own way into the parking lot and came to rest in a space less than a hundred yards away from Ennis’s beat-up blue truck. He sat there for a few minutes, willing his heart to beat a little more slowly, looking up at the door behind which he would find the man he loved above all others. For everyone else in this town, it was just the end of another ordinary day. For Ennis Del Mar, it was the beginning of his new life.
Jack squared his shoulders, slapped his hands against his thighs, and got out of the truck. His keys went into his pocket, his hat onto his head. Just as he was starting up the stairs, though, he thought better of it and headed for the pay phone he could see inside the Laundromat.
His coins clicked through, and he heard the line begin to ring, imagining in a half-crazy haze that he could hear it ringing in a room above his head as well. The phone rang once, twice, three times. When Jack had begun to believe that no one was going to answer, there was a faint click and a giggle. “Hello?” he said. Another giggle, then, in the distance, a voice that nearly brought Jack to his knees. “Come on, now, honey,” he heard Ennis say. “Hang that up, and let’s get those jammies on.” There was another click, and the line went dead.
That was that. Jack hung up the receiver and headed out into the night. This time he didn’t let his feet hesitate at all on the stairs; he strode right up, remembering how Ennis’s lanky form had looked taking them two at a time back in September. At the door, he paused, took off his hat, and knocked.
More than a minute went by, then the door was yanked abruptly open and Ennis appeared, holding a little girl by the hand. She was wearing a frothy yellow party dress and carrying a teddy bear by one forlorn ear. “Sorry ‘bout that,” he said, looking down at her rather than at the door. “Now Junior, I said to get your pajamas on. We ain’t goin’ to no party right now.” He sighed and straightened up, turning toward the door. As soon as he caught sight of Jack, he froze, dropping Junior’s hand. “Wha . . . Jack? What’re you doin’ here?”
“Whaddya think, Ennis?” Jack said, smiling so wide he could feel it stretching his ears. “Came to get you, soon’s I could.” He leaned against the doorjamb and winked. “Gonna invite me in?”
“Yeah, uh . . . c’mon in.” Ennis turned and led Junior a few paces away. “Alma Marie Junior,” he said in a low, firm voice. “Go get those jammies on right now. I ain’t kiddin’ around. Or there won’t be no Mother Goose tonight.” Junior squealed, gave a quick hiccup of a laugh, and raced out of the room. Ennis stood looking after her, his hands hanging limply at his sides.
Jack stepped forward and put his hand on Ennis’s shoulder. “Ain’t you glad to see me? Or . . . where’s Alma? You wanna go out for a drink or somethin’?”
“Can’t,” Ennis said, still not looking at Jack. “Alma’s gone. Friend a hers is sick, she’s spendin’ the night at the hospital. So I gotta take care a the girls tonight.”
“Well, OK,” Jack said, feeling even more puzzled about why, then, Ennis had not touched or even looked at him. “You wanna talk then? Once you get the girls in bed?”
“Yeah,” Ennis said. “Jus gimme a couple a minutes. Read ‘em a quick story, ‘n I’ll be back.” He disappeared into the back of the apartment, still without giving Jack so much as a hello.
Jack stood looking around the living room, taking in the worn couch and chairs, the recliner with the stuffing coming out of the back. Finally he sat down on it, realizing that he was bone-tired, thirsty, and as hungry as though he hadn’t eaten all day-which in fact he had not. He closed his eyes, intending only to rest them, but suddenly he was aware of his head slumped down onto one shoulder and Ennis’s hand on his arm. “Sorry,” he said, sitting up and trying to gather his thoughts.
“S’alright.” Ennis took a few steps back and sat down on the coffee table. “You musta had a long drive today. Did it myself not too long ago, you know.” He let his head drop forward and stared down at the hands clasped between his knees.
“Well.” Jack wasn’t sure where to begin. This wasn’t the reunion he had envisioned at all. “How’s work? You still up at the ranch? Didn’t lose your job or nothin’?”
“It’s OK.” Ennis pursed his lips, then looked up suddenly. “Wanna beer? I usually have a couple, this time a night.” He got up and went out to the kitchen without waiting for Jack’s response.
Jack followed Ennis into the other room and stood directly behind him at the refrigerator. He was just too damned tired to beat around the bush anymore. “I come up jus like I said I would, once I got things straightened with Lureen. I been callin’, tryin’ to tell you that I was on my way. You ain’t . . . backin’ out on me now, are you?”
Ennis stood with his hand on the door handle. “I dunno, Jack. Things are . . . things are harder than you know.”
Jack couldn’t hold back a snort. He should have known. “I got plentya ideas ‘bout how hard things are. Jus told my wife I’m queer ‘n leavin’ her for a man. My boy’s livin’ a thousand miles away, ‘n he’s got no way a knowin’ where his daddy’s gone. So don’t go tellin’ me I don’t know.” He wanted to back away, run out the front door and slam it behind him, but Ennis’s warm skin proved too great a temptation. Instead, he slid his arms slowly around Ennis’s waist, his hands finding their way under his T-shirt and pressing against the flat plane of his bare abdomen. One of his hands soothed Ennis’s stomach, touching him as gently as he knew how, while its treacherous mate moved lower, braving the drawstring waistband of his pajama pants and closing over the growing hardness between his legs. Jack moved his hand inside Ennis’s pants, stroking him, feeling with satisfaction the welling moisture at the tip of his dick.
Ennis groaned. “Don’t know if you should be doin’ that, Jack. The girls jus down the hall ‘n all.” But his thrusting hips and eager breaths told Jack another tale.
“Ennis,” Jack said quietly. “Baby . . .” Running his hand up and down those poor thin ribs. He couldn’t believe how different the topography of Ennis’s body felt even a week later.
“What did you call me?” Ennis sounded out of breath, his voice cracking and hitching erratically.
“Didn’t you take care a yourself at all these past few days? You’re wastin’ away to nothin’ here.” Jack trailed one finger down Ennis’s side, letting it bump slowly from one ridge to the next before moving up to toy with a nipple. His other hand moved faster, pumping Ennis in the way that he liked it best, until Ennis let out a long, low moan and filled up Jack’s hand with his warm seed. Jack withdrew his hand slowly, his own breaths thundering in his chest, and found a towel hanging on the stove that he could use for clean-up. While he was still trying to figure out where he should stow it, its current condition not at all suitable for Alma Del Mar’s kitchen, he felt Ennis’s hand on his belt buckle.
Ennis looked him in the eye for a moment, his hands clenched at his sides and his chest heaving up and down, before dropping to his knees and ripping Jack’s jeans down. Jack gasped as his throbbing erection disappeared into Ennis’s mouth in one huge gulp. He threw his head back, baring his throat to the ceiling, and let Ennis take him. The last coherent thought he had before his climax roared through him was that he would probably have red dents in his ass for a week, as hard as Ennis was gripping him.
After Jack had put himself back together again, they stood in the center of the kitchen, staring at one another and not speaking. Ennis was still panting a little, his hair mussed and sticking out from his forehead. Jack longed to smooth it back, but he wasn’t sure exactly what was going on here. Judging from Ennis’s continued silence, neither was he. Finally, Jack couldn’t stand it any longer. “What the hell is this, Ennis? You want me, or not?”
Ennis’s mouth tightened, and he glared at Jack. “Course I do. Told you that back in Childress, didn’t I?”
“Then what’s the problem? You ain’t called, nor answered the phone for days. I get here after leavin’ my family in the dust ‘n drivin’ till my ass feels like hamburger, ‘n you won’t talk to me but you’ll blow me’s soon as shit.” Jack folded his arms over his chest. “We just gonna stand here until you get your head outa your ass, or what?”
“Dammit, Jack.” Ennis glared at Jack for a moment longer, but then his face began to crumple. “I jus-I got here, ‘n I couldn’t see goin’ through with it. Girls need me, ‘n Alma-well, she already thinks I’m a no-count ranch stiff. Am I gonna give her another reason to think that way?” He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, but a tear escaped and trickled down the side of his nose. “But seein’ you-I don’t know what to do. You got me all messed up again.”
Jack took a step toward him. “You still mean what you said back in Childress, Ennis? Bout lovin’ me?” He deliberately pitched his voice low and even.
Ennis sniffed and looked down at his bare feet, then up again.
“C’mon,” Jack said. “You feel it, I know you do. You gotta think real hard on this, Ennis-I gave up everythin’ I had, cause I fuckin’ love you. And I know I ain’t in this alone.” He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a long breath.
Finally Ennis took a step forward and brought his hand up slowly from his side, holding it out to Jack. “Yeah. I-”
The sound of a key in the door shattered the delicate balance of the moment that had just begun to heal them. “Ennis, honey, you’re never gonna believe what I brung-”
Alma jerked to a stop in the kitchen doorway, her arms opening reflexively so that the paper bag she had been carrying fell to the floor. Something glass broke inside, tiny shards skittering across the floor in a diamond spray.
Rating: R/NC-17
Credit: Annie Proulx and Diana Ossana & Larry McMurtry. Thanks also to all the many incredibly talented writers out there who inspired me to finally write something myself-Madlori, Jenna, Maggie, montana-crows, Cathalin, midwest-girl, debutante9, maidenofthesea, marakeshsparrow, louisev, amtamburo, midget-size, testa-dura, and many others. Finally, thank you very very much to Christine, my friend and beta and fellow ennisjack aficionado.
Feedback: Any and all appreciated, at my lj or at shieldmaid@gmail.com.
Chapter Seventeen: What Was Broken
Jack sat down at the dining room table, folding his hands carefully in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Bobby playing on the living room floor, holding one brightly colored truck in each hand as though they were talking to one another. The trucks clicked together suddenly, and Bobby laughed, a light, sweet sound that cut Jack to the heart. He looked down at his hands, laced together on the tabletop, and sighed. His fingers were clenched so tight that they were turning red around the nails.
“Well?” Lureen was looking at him from the other side of the table. When they ate dinner together, she usually sat next to him at the oversized oak table, but this morning he could measure her discomfort by the fact that she had chosen a chair as far away as she could get. Neither of them seemed to know exactly what protocol should be followed in a situation like this one. Doubt there’s any rules can be followed for tellin’ your wife you been in love with a man for all the years she’s known you, Jack thought grimly.
“Well, I . . .” Jack began. His stomach tightened, and he felt a little dizzy. He could hear a distant pounding that seemed to emanate from the center of his skull, and he wondered if he might be developing a sudden brain tumor. “I got somethin’ important to tell you. Somethin’ I shoulda said long ago.”
“Uh huh?” Lureen looked pale. She had gotten into bed for an hour after her return from the hospital, but then had insisted on getting up to take a shower and feed Bobby his lunch. Now the circles of flesh under her eyes were bruise-purple and her hands were shaking slightly.
“You OK, honey?” Jack asked. “Need to go lay down again?”
“In a little while. Jus think we need to have this talk real bad right now.” Lureen pushed her hair back from her forehead and let her hand drop to the table, as if even that small effort had exhausted her. Her diamond ring clinked dully against the smooth surface.
“All right, then.” Jack gathered himself, sitting straighter in his chair and biting at his bottom lip. “It’s jus . . . the person I been seein’ the last few months. Probably not someone you was expectin’.” He pursed his lips. “But it’s someone you just met too.”
Lureen looked at him blankly. After a moment she nodded, indicating that he should go on.
“It’s . . . it’s Ennis, Lureen.” Jack’s heart was thumping wildly by this time. His sweaty palms slipped when he tried to brace his hands against the table’s solid weight.
“What’s Ennis? He know this girl too?” Lureen frowned. “Not his wife, is it? Seemed like you two was real concerned ‘bout somethin’ when he was here.”
“No, Reenie.” Jack was starting to feel desperate. “It’s Ennis. He’s the one I been seein’.” He cleared his throat and wiped his hands on his jeans. “I . . . I’m gonna go to Riverton ‘n get him when you ‘n me got everythin’ figured. We’re gonna move to Colorado, I think. Find a new town where we can both get jobs, maybe get a house.”
Lureen didn’t move. Her expression didn’t change. Other than a shaky intake of breath, she made no sound at all.
Jack held her gaze for a few moments, then looked to the side to check on Bobby, who was occupied with trying to remove the ladder from his fire truck. Nearly five minutes passed before Jack had the courage to look up again.
Tears were rolling silently down her face, leaving dark spots on her red blouse. She let them fall without seeming to notice. Her face was white, her lips pressed into a thin, pinched line.
“Honey?” Jack was alarmed. He got up and went over to crouch next to her chair. “Reenie? Are you feelin’ bad?” When she didn’t respond, he reached up and took her hand. It was as cold as if she had been sitting outside for hours. “I’m gonna get you a glass a water.” He started to get up, but she grabbed his hand suddenly.
“Jack?” Her voice was so low he could barely hear her. “You . . . ‘n Ennis?”
Jack looked down for a moment, then quickly up. “That’s right, sweetheart,” he said in the gentlest tone he could muster. “He’s the one I met a long time ago. We, uh, we . . . got together up on Brokeback.” He released her hand and touched her shoulder instead, rubbing back and forth slowly across the tense muscles. “Never meant to hurt you. I jus never forgot ‘bout him, ‘n when I got the chance to see him again, I couldn’t-I had to go.”
Lureen took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. “When you went fishin’ with him in the fall, you was . . . together?”
Jack felt tears pricking at the backs of his eyes, a painful swelling growing in his throat. “Yeah.” He had to swallow hard before he could continue. “I ain’t real proud a that, but . . . Ennis, he’s somethin’. Somethin’ better than I ever known. Better ‘n I ever dreamed. Bein’ with him makes me- Well.”
Lureen turned her head to look at him. “Makes you what, Jack? Makes you somethin’ you ain’t otherwise?”
“No, honey, it ain’t like that. I . . . don’t know why it happened this way, but I ain’t been exactly surprised by events.” Jack gave her a small smile, hoping to surprise one out of her in return.
“You . . . queer, Jack?” Pink streaked Lureen’s cheeks as she gazed at him, her eyes open and wet. “That what you’re tryin’ to say?”
“I guess, honey, that-yeah. That’s it.” Jack gripped his knees with both hands. His thighs were beginning to ache. “Took Ennis to make me see it, but now-there ain’t no goin’ back.”
“Was it me . . . made you this way?” Her voice was small, feathered through with barely contained emotion. “I ain’t been what you need?”
“No, honey.” Jack blinked, trying to force his tears back where they belonged. “It ain’t got nothin’ to do with you. You’re still the prettiest woman I ever known. I jus . . . ain’t built that way, I guess.”
“Ain’t built that way?” Lureen sniffed, and rubbed one hand slowly across her eyes. “So all this time-you jus been fakin’ it? With me ‘n Bobby?”
“Bobby . . . that’s one part a all this hurts real bad.” Jack gripped the edge of the table and stood up, then reached behind him to pull up a chair. “You gotta know, he’s the best thing ever happened to me. Sometimes I think it’s all been worth it, all my everlastin’ fuckups, jus knowin’ I had some small part in puttin’ him on this earth.” He leaned forward, his forearms on the table, feeling suddenly determined to make Lureen understand what was happening to him. “It’s jus-this is my chance. Ain’t nothin’ ever come to my hand the right way afore. I woulda left a long time ago, probably, but Ennis didn’t wanna hear nothin’ ‘bout that. After-well, you probably don’t wanna hear this.” He sighed and sat back in his chair.
To his surprise, Lureen nodded, still wiping at her eyes with a tissue. “Go on, Jack,” she said, her voice stronger than it had been. “I don’t think I ever seen you this happy ‘bout anythin’ before. I always wanted to know what was goin’ on inside your head-well, now I guess I do. No more’n I deserve anyway, shovin’ Patrick in your face like that.” She gave him a small smile. It was faint, weak, nothing like the grins that usually stretched her wide, beautiful mouth, but it was a start.
“Ah, sweetheart.” Jack felt suddenly embarrassed, but couldn’t stop his own smile. He cleared his throat and tried to think how to put it. “Ain’t too much to say, jus that after we met up to go fishin’, I wanted Ennis to stay. With me, I mean-I didn’t want him to go back to his family. But he was real worried ‘bout what people might think, ‘n he wanted to jus keep meetin’ up like that, back where no one’d see us, where we’d stay safe. I told him I couldn’t do that no more, it was killin’ me to drive away. Best jus to do it once. Like cuttin’ off a limb, I guess.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose between two fingers, remembering the devastation of that parting. After a moment or two, though, he heard a rustle beside him and came back to himself. “Anyway, then I didn’t hear from him for a real long time. I wasn’t feelin’ too good, thinkin’ on things too much, and, well, you know the rest.” He stopped, and the room was silent for a few minutes except from an occasional gurgle from Bobby, who had retreated to his favorite play area under the coffee table.
“Well,” Lureen said. She frowned, looking down at the table. “When he showed up here lookin’ for you, when you was up on the mountain, was it cause he was . . . missin’ you?” She coughed, then twisted in her seat to look at Bobby. “Honey,” she called softly. “Come out from under there. Don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Jack followed her example, turning to watch Bobby inching carefully backward, his butt up in the air. “Yeah,” he said, not looking at her. “He come up there lookin’ for me. Almost killed me, thinkin’ that I coulda missed him if’n I hadn’t gotten away from-well, never mind.”
A pause. “He seems like a kind man,” Lureen said at last. “He got any kids?”
“Yeah.” Jack had to smile. “He’s got two little girls. Only time I ever seen him happy talkin’ ‘bout Riverton, when he’s tellin’ me ‘bout them.” This reminded him of one of the reasons he was most anxious to talk to Lureen today. “You ain’t gonna . . . stop me from seein’ Bobby now, are you? Cause if that’s in your mind, then I won’t go. This is . . . the biggest thing I ever wanted, Reenie. For me, I mean. But it ain’t worth it if I gotta give up my boy.” He paused, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. He felt a little sick, dreading the return of the familiar vertigo that had been his companion for all those months.
“No, Jack,” Lureen said softly. “This ain’t easy news to hear from you, ‘n that’s the truth. But I hardly been innocent in this whole thing. Maybe if I’d spent more time takin’ care a you ‘n less time workin’ . . . well, I know I’m always gonna wonder if things coulda turned out different. Least now I’ve got Patrick. He ain’t perfect, a course, but then neither am I.” She hesitated, then reached out to touch a gentle fingertip to Jack’s sleeve.
He looked up then, and moved his hand forward to take hers. They sat together in silence for a few moments, squeezing their hands together, while Bobby gurgled over his trucks.
~~~
One week later, Jack was ready to leave. At dawn, his eyes snapped open as though a trumpet blast had just sounded next to his head. He showered and dressed quickly, then stood looking out of their bedroom at the brownish grass in the backyard. How long would it be until he saw this landscape again? Lureen had already agreed to bring Bobby halfway to meet him in two weeks, once he and Ennis had found temporary lodgings somewhere. She would contact her lawyer at the beginning of the next week to draw up the divorce papers. Since the house was in her name and she was the higher wage earner in their household, it would not be a complicated transaction.
Jack shook his head and turned away from the window, eager as always to get on the road. His suitcase and Ennis’s knapsack were already packed and waiting in the back of his truck. There was little left to do except to say goodbye to his son. He had even made his peace with Lureen’s new living arrangements. Patrick had come over for dinner the night before, and the three of them had passed a calm and civil two hours before Jack had excused himself to go for a walk. He had paced the sidewalks of their sterile Childress neighborhood for as long as he could stand it, returning just in time to see Patrick bestowing a deep kiss on his soon-to-be-ex-wife at their front door. Now, he bounded down the stairs to the living room, trying not to notice the toys scattered across the room and heaped in a basket in the corner. Bobby was sleeping in his playpen in the center of the room; the hour was early even for him. Jack picked him up and hugged him to his chest, then carried him outside to greet the day.
“Dah?” Bobby said sleepily, pointing one chubby finger at Jack’s truck.
Jack’s heart rose into his throat. “Yeah, buddy,” he said softly. “Daddy’s goin’ away in the truck now. But don’t worry-I’ll be seein’ you real soon.” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to the top of Bobby’s head, wondering how on earth he was going to keep from losing it completely, until he heard a pointed throat-clearing from behind him.
Lureen stood in the doorway wrapped in her robe, her arms crossed over her chest. Jack was reminded of his recent parting from Ennis. It had taken place in much the same way, at about the same time of day, but today’s emotional tone was very different. He felt a giddy sort of glee filling his chest, pushing down-but not entirely effacing-his sorrow over leaving Bobby, not to mention the low-level anxiety that had developed after he’d called Ennis at least twenty times over the past few days without reaching him at his Riverton apartment. No matter-he was more than likely working extra hours to make up for the time he had taken to come out to the Forest Service site looking for Jack. Jack would camp out in the parking lot of his building until Ennis came back, and then they could plan for their future. It would be the first time in his life that Jack had ever looked forward to any extended length of time.
“Better give him to me now, Jack, ‘n get goin’, if you’re hopin’ to make Riverton tonight,” Lureen said. She held out her arms and gave him a small, tight smile.
As Jack approached her, he was surprised to find that her eyes were shiny with tears. “Reenie,” he started.
“Don’t call me that,” she said suddenly. “Jus gimme Bobby. I gotta-I gotta get ready for work.” She blinked a few times and rubbed a fierce hand across her forehead.
“You’re goin’ in today? Faye’s comin’ to take care a him?” Jack was astonished. “You sure you’re feelin’ good enough to do that?”
Lureen pursed her lips. For all her paleness, and even without her signature dark red lipstick, she looked all at once like the girl he had watched barrel-racing in a red cowboy hat nearly three years before. That girl had been the only person to stir his loins after Ennis. Jack felt a deep sorrow at having to leave her behind. “The rest a the world don’t come to an end jus cause you’re movin’ out a state. Someone’s gotta earn a livin’,” she said, arching an eyebrow at him. “All right? I think it’s time.”
“OK,” Jack agreed. He kissed Bobby one more time, ran his hand gently across the silky hair, and handed him to Lureen. “Take care a yourself, honey,” he said. “I left Ennis’s number on the counter if you need anythin’, ‘n I’ll call you soon’s I get our new number too.”
“OK.”
She looked so small standing there that Jack leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Tell Faye I said goodbye. Don’t know if she’s ready to hear that from me yet, but-she always been good to me, ‘n I’ll miss her.” He winked at her, and turned away. Away from the small boy who had become the sun at the center of his universe-but toward the man who gave him air to breathe.
~~~
Jack groaned softly and shifted in his seat. His tailbone was killing him after nearly fifteen hours on the road. Though the sights along this route were still familiar to him from his last trip, they gave him no peace at this late hour. Thank god this would probably be the last time he’d have to drive this way alone. Once he and Ennis had settled on a town and way of life, he would be several hours closer to Lureen, and maybe she’d even be willing to keep meeting him halfway for his visits with Bobby. Who knew? Miracles could happen. And her heart had turned out to be much bigger than even he had known. The next such conversation might just be easier than this one had been. And from there-he could only imagine better things happening. He yawned and rubbed along his jaw line, rolling his eyes when he felt the heavy stubble. Should have taken the time to shave this morning, but he’d been too anxious to think about it.
Ten minutes later, he was suddenly wide awake, all his senses slamming into overdrive. The green mileage sign read, “Riverton - 41.” Less than an hour to go. How would Ennis greet him? Would they slam each other into the wall as they had the last time Jack had driven into town? Would Ennis pull him into the apartment to introduce him to Alma? Was Ennis-Jack’s heart nearly stopped at this possibility-already living elsewhere, Alma having kicked out her newly queer husband (not “new” atall, Jack reminded himself. Been that way goin’ on four years, at least)? But surely Ennis would have called to let him know if that were the case. His thoughts followed similarly unproductive paths for all the rest of the way, forty miles that seemed alternately to drag and to fly by.
Suddenly Jack was making the turn onto Main Street, and from there onto Ennis’s street. Ennis’s street. Well, no more. He cleared his throat and gripped the steering wheel tighter, leaning slightly forward as he saw the Laundromat. His truck found its own way into the parking lot and came to rest in a space less than a hundred yards away from Ennis’s beat-up blue truck. He sat there for a few minutes, willing his heart to beat a little more slowly, looking up at the door behind which he would find the man he loved above all others. For everyone else in this town, it was just the end of another ordinary day. For Ennis Del Mar, it was the beginning of his new life.
Jack squared his shoulders, slapped his hands against his thighs, and got out of the truck. His keys went into his pocket, his hat onto his head. Just as he was starting up the stairs, though, he thought better of it and headed for the pay phone he could see inside the Laundromat.
His coins clicked through, and he heard the line begin to ring, imagining in a half-crazy haze that he could hear it ringing in a room above his head as well. The phone rang once, twice, three times. When Jack had begun to believe that no one was going to answer, there was a faint click and a giggle. “Hello?” he said. Another giggle, then, in the distance, a voice that nearly brought Jack to his knees. “Come on, now, honey,” he heard Ennis say. “Hang that up, and let’s get those jammies on.” There was another click, and the line went dead.
That was that. Jack hung up the receiver and headed out into the night. This time he didn’t let his feet hesitate at all on the stairs; he strode right up, remembering how Ennis’s lanky form had looked taking them two at a time back in September. At the door, he paused, took off his hat, and knocked.
More than a minute went by, then the door was yanked abruptly open and Ennis appeared, holding a little girl by the hand. She was wearing a frothy yellow party dress and carrying a teddy bear by one forlorn ear. “Sorry ‘bout that,” he said, looking down at her rather than at the door. “Now Junior, I said to get your pajamas on. We ain’t goin’ to no party right now.” He sighed and straightened up, turning toward the door. As soon as he caught sight of Jack, he froze, dropping Junior’s hand. “Wha . . . Jack? What’re you doin’ here?”
“Whaddya think, Ennis?” Jack said, smiling so wide he could feel it stretching his ears. “Came to get you, soon’s I could.” He leaned against the doorjamb and winked. “Gonna invite me in?”
“Yeah, uh . . . c’mon in.” Ennis turned and led Junior a few paces away. “Alma Marie Junior,” he said in a low, firm voice. “Go get those jammies on right now. I ain’t kiddin’ around. Or there won’t be no Mother Goose tonight.” Junior squealed, gave a quick hiccup of a laugh, and raced out of the room. Ennis stood looking after her, his hands hanging limply at his sides.
Jack stepped forward and put his hand on Ennis’s shoulder. “Ain’t you glad to see me? Or . . . where’s Alma? You wanna go out for a drink or somethin’?”
“Can’t,” Ennis said, still not looking at Jack. “Alma’s gone. Friend a hers is sick, she’s spendin’ the night at the hospital. So I gotta take care a the girls tonight.”
“Well, OK,” Jack said, feeling even more puzzled about why, then, Ennis had not touched or even looked at him. “You wanna talk then? Once you get the girls in bed?”
“Yeah,” Ennis said. “Jus gimme a couple a minutes. Read ‘em a quick story, ‘n I’ll be back.” He disappeared into the back of the apartment, still without giving Jack so much as a hello.
Jack stood looking around the living room, taking in the worn couch and chairs, the recliner with the stuffing coming out of the back. Finally he sat down on it, realizing that he was bone-tired, thirsty, and as hungry as though he hadn’t eaten all day-which in fact he had not. He closed his eyes, intending only to rest them, but suddenly he was aware of his head slumped down onto one shoulder and Ennis’s hand on his arm. “Sorry,” he said, sitting up and trying to gather his thoughts.
“S’alright.” Ennis took a few steps back and sat down on the coffee table. “You musta had a long drive today. Did it myself not too long ago, you know.” He let his head drop forward and stared down at the hands clasped between his knees.
“Well.” Jack wasn’t sure where to begin. This wasn’t the reunion he had envisioned at all. “How’s work? You still up at the ranch? Didn’t lose your job or nothin’?”
“It’s OK.” Ennis pursed his lips, then looked up suddenly. “Wanna beer? I usually have a couple, this time a night.” He got up and went out to the kitchen without waiting for Jack’s response.
Jack followed Ennis into the other room and stood directly behind him at the refrigerator. He was just too damned tired to beat around the bush anymore. “I come up jus like I said I would, once I got things straightened with Lureen. I been callin’, tryin’ to tell you that I was on my way. You ain’t . . . backin’ out on me now, are you?”
Ennis stood with his hand on the door handle. “I dunno, Jack. Things are . . . things are harder than you know.”
Jack couldn’t hold back a snort. He should have known. “I got plentya ideas ‘bout how hard things are. Jus told my wife I’m queer ‘n leavin’ her for a man. My boy’s livin’ a thousand miles away, ‘n he’s got no way a knowin’ where his daddy’s gone. So don’t go tellin’ me I don’t know.” He wanted to back away, run out the front door and slam it behind him, but Ennis’s warm skin proved too great a temptation. Instead, he slid his arms slowly around Ennis’s waist, his hands finding their way under his T-shirt and pressing against the flat plane of his bare abdomen. One of his hands soothed Ennis’s stomach, touching him as gently as he knew how, while its treacherous mate moved lower, braving the drawstring waistband of his pajama pants and closing over the growing hardness between his legs. Jack moved his hand inside Ennis’s pants, stroking him, feeling with satisfaction the welling moisture at the tip of his dick.
Ennis groaned. “Don’t know if you should be doin’ that, Jack. The girls jus down the hall ‘n all.” But his thrusting hips and eager breaths told Jack another tale.
“Ennis,” Jack said quietly. “Baby . . .” Running his hand up and down those poor thin ribs. He couldn’t believe how different the topography of Ennis’s body felt even a week later.
“What did you call me?” Ennis sounded out of breath, his voice cracking and hitching erratically.
“Didn’t you take care a yourself at all these past few days? You’re wastin’ away to nothin’ here.” Jack trailed one finger down Ennis’s side, letting it bump slowly from one ridge to the next before moving up to toy with a nipple. His other hand moved faster, pumping Ennis in the way that he liked it best, until Ennis let out a long, low moan and filled up Jack’s hand with his warm seed. Jack withdrew his hand slowly, his own breaths thundering in his chest, and found a towel hanging on the stove that he could use for clean-up. While he was still trying to figure out where he should stow it, its current condition not at all suitable for Alma Del Mar’s kitchen, he felt Ennis’s hand on his belt buckle.
Ennis looked him in the eye for a moment, his hands clenched at his sides and his chest heaving up and down, before dropping to his knees and ripping Jack’s jeans down. Jack gasped as his throbbing erection disappeared into Ennis’s mouth in one huge gulp. He threw his head back, baring his throat to the ceiling, and let Ennis take him. The last coherent thought he had before his climax roared through him was that he would probably have red dents in his ass for a week, as hard as Ennis was gripping him.
After Jack had put himself back together again, they stood in the center of the kitchen, staring at one another and not speaking. Ennis was still panting a little, his hair mussed and sticking out from his forehead. Jack longed to smooth it back, but he wasn’t sure exactly what was going on here. Judging from Ennis’s continued silence, neither was he. Finally, Jack couldn’t stand it any longer. “What the hell is this, Ennis? You want me, or not?”
Ennis’s mouth tightened, and he glared at Jack. “Course I do. Told you that back in Childress, didn’t I?”
“Then what’s the problem? You ain’t called, nor answered the phone for days. I get here after leavin’ my family in the dust ‘n drivin’ till my ass feels like hamburger, ‘n you won’t talk to me but you’ll blow me’s soon as shit.” Jack folded his arms over his chest. “We just gonna stand here until you get your head outa your ass, or what?”
“Dammit, Jack.” Ennis glared at Jack for a moment longer, but then his face began to crumple. “I jus-I got here, ‘n I couldn’t see goin’ through with it. Girls need me, ‘n Alma-well, she already thinks I’m a no-count ranch stiff. Am I gonna give her another reason to think that way?” He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, but a tear escaped and trickled down the side of his nose. “But seein’ you-I don’t know what to do. You got me all messed up again.”
Jack took a step toward him. “You still mean what you said back in Childress, Ennis? Bout lovin’ me?” He deliberately pitched his voice low and even.
Ennis sniffed and looked down at his bare feet, then up again.
“C’mon,” Jack said. “You feel it, I know you do. You gotta think real hard on this, Ennis-I gave up everythin’ I had, cause I fuckin’ love you. And I know I ain’t in this alone.” He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a long breath.
Finally Ennis took a step forward and brought his hand up slowly from his side, holding it out to Jack. “Yeah. I-”
The sound of a key in the door shattered the delicate balance of the moment that had just begun to heal them. “Ennis, honey, you’re never gonna believe what I brung-”
Alma jerked to a stop in the kitchen doorway, her arms opening reflexively so that the paper bag she had been carrying fell to the floor. Something glass broke inside, tiny shards skittering across the floor in a diamond spray.