Sh-Boom
In the movies, in fiction, in lyrics, I always seem to run into that uplifting thought that, well, "nothing is impossible!" And well, I have to admit that I took it and placed it in my mind under the "facts" section.
Don't ever forget, the world could be falling apart, but nothing is impossible.
Well, as these past couple of years have passed there's just one thing I wish I could change, in fact, I thought I could change, but the impossibility of it has really become apparent now.
I cannot change it. It is impossible. I have to accept it.
I don't think of my actions as sacrifices because I know that one day I will miss even the worst of these days, but I do wonder what it would be like if things were just a tad bit different.
I've always been incredibly positive about everything that I've encountered along the way.
Really, I mean, I've failed a couple of times...no, many times, but I've never worried about things too much. I'm not even sure if that is a good thing. I tend to not worry at things that are rather important. I always figure they will solve themselves out. I always figure I have the capability of fixing them. But this past month has been rough on me. Keeping a balance in my head of things that I must be constantly fixing is getting ahead of me. I feel as if I were a month behind my own life. I might have missed a couple of days here and there and now they've added up. I'm so tired.
Saturday morning I woke up let it all come out from my eyes. I felt so relieved.
The things I worry about are not about money, or school, or friends, or parents, or the future. My worry is something, so....different. My worry is being able to deal with the following decades and this appendage. It reached the point where it really did intervene with plans I had. But I care far too much to let it all fall.
I don't like to talk about it or even acknowledge it; only a few people know about it. I would probably give up many of the things I have now to get rid of this constant worry.
But I can't. I cannot change it. It is impossible.
And...I don't know...I don't know if I'll ever accept it to the degree that I should. It's hard, because earlier I really thought I could somehow change it all. But I'm not the atlas, the titan that holds on to Ouranous, or Paul Bunyun who dug up the Grand Canyon with his axe, or Sir Galahad who found the Holy Grail. They're all myths and stories and I'm just me. I cannot change the science of things. Maybe if I had lived one thousand years from today, I could have. But right now, I just can't. My biggest achievement today was between remembering to water my orchids and getting great calculations for a lab experiment. My biggest joy? Coming home from an awfully long day and being greeted by my two extra shadows, my dogs. They were thirsty and hungry and it fills me with joy to see them so happy to see me.
I need to focus on the things that are possible. I know there will always be those bad days but like I said, one day I will miss even the worst.
I find great parts of all days and piece them together into memories to think of when my head needs them the most. To think of them once they are gone.
I also know there are many more of those small pieces to come.
Things are looking up already: I just received my confirmation email for Istanbul and Paris this summer.
So, I'm not writing a song, or a book, or a movie but... this must be said.... many things are not possible, but then again, many are. And those are the ones I need to focus on. Also, I'm aware many of my sentences begin with the word "and" in this entry. =)
Je me demande, dit-il, si les étoiles sont éclairées afin que chacun puisse un jour retrouver la sienne.
Don't ever forget, the world could be falling apart, but nothing is impossible.
Well, as these past couple of years have passed there's just one thing I wish I could change, in fact, I thought I could change, but the impossibility of it has really become apparent now.
I cannot change it. It is impossible. I have to accept it.
I don't think of my actions as sacrifices because I know that one day I will miss even the worst of these days, but I do wonder what it would be like if things were just a tad bit different.
I've always been incredibly positive about everything that I've encountered along the way.
Really, I mean, I've failed a couple of times...no, many times, but I've never worried about things too much. I'm not even sure if that is a good thing. I tend to not worry at things that are rather important. I always figure they will solve themselves out. I always figure I have the capability of fixing them. But this past month has been rough on me. Keeping a balance in my head of things that I must be constantly fixing is getting ahead of me. I feel as if I were a month behind my own life. I might have missed a couple of days here and there and now they've added up. I'm so tired.
Saturday morning I woke up let it all come out from my eyes. I felt so relieved.
The things I worry about are not about money, or school, or friends, or parents, or the future. My worry is something, so....different. My worry is being able to deal with the following decades and this appendage. It reached the point where it really did intervene with plans I had. But I care far too much to let it all fall.
I don't like to talk about it or even acknowledge it; only a few people know about it. I would probably give up many of the things I have now to get rid of this constant worry.
But I can't. I cannot change it. It is impossible.
And...I don't know...I don't know if I'll ever accept it to the degree that I should. It's hard, because earlier I really thought I could somehow change it all. But I'm not the atlas, the titan that holds on to Ouranous, or Paul Bunyun who dug up the Grand Canyon with his axe, or Sir Galahad who found the Holy Grail. They're all myths and stories and I'm just me. I cannot change the science of things. Maybe if I had lived one thousand years from today, I could have. But right now, I just can't. My biggest achievement today was between remembering to water my orchids and getting great calculations for a lab experiment. My biggest joy? Coming home from an awfully long day and being greeted by my two extra shadows, my dogs. They were thirsty and hungry and it fills me with joy to see them so happy to see me.
I need to focus on the things that are possible. I know there will always be those bad days but like I said, one day I will miss even the worst.
I find great parts of all days and piece them together into memories to think of when my head needs them the most. To think of them once they are gone.
I also know there are many more of those small pieces to come.
Things are looking up already: I just received my confirmation email for Istanbul and Paris this summer.
So, I'm not writing a song, or a book, or a movie but... this must be said.... many things are not possible, but then again, many are. And those are the ones I need to focus on. Also, I'm aware many of my sentences begin with the word "and" in this entry. =)
Je me demande, dit-il, si les étoiles sont éclairées afin que chacun puisse un jour retrouver la sienne.