What is your greatest fear?
Interesting Question.
I guess my greatest fear is falling in love again.
Sounds pretty morbid but once you have fallen in love and it doesnt work out, once you have had your heart crushed and shattered you never really want to feel that again. No physical pain can compare to it and there is no time scale for it to heal either. I guess its my biggest fear because it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, it was the worst thing I have had to go through ... am still going through .... and due to that, it is my biggest fear. Its horrible to not want something so wonderful.
Whats new this week? Not a lot. Met with my ex for drinks, had a meal, had an awful argument, left feeling pretty shitty and now I feel even further away from him than I did the day he looked me in the eyes and said "Sorry, I dont love you. This wont work". Yet I cannot stop contacting him, makes me so angry at myself but a part of me yearns for him, and its worse that being thirsty or hungry or tired, its a constant nag, just wanting to hear from him, hear he is okay, even just pray for a text from him because then I know for one split second of his day, I was the only thing on his mind. Sad huh? I still have to swallow down a scream when I think of all the time we spent together, everything we said and did and now .. I dread seeing him with his new GF, I dread saying whats on my mind for fear of his reaction and I dread never seeing him again. Women are so frigging complex! Why can I not just be like a man? Push the person I was once the closest to in the world - right to the back of my mind, start shagging some teenager and shut everything out. I wish I could just shut everything out and be me again. I remember being alone and completely happy - then he came along and I lost myself in him, he didnt give me back, so I am struggling to find the leftover bits of me. I am out there somewhere.
Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind,
and to lie to you rather than hurt you?
Well I'll confess all of of my sins
after several large gins
but still I'll hide from you,
hide what's inside from you.
And alarm bells ring
when you say your heart still sings
when you're with me.
Won't you please forgive me?
But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
And all the memories of the pubs
and the clubs and the drugs and the tubs
we shared together,
Will stay with me forever.
But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's,
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you please forgive me
I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no
Well I no longer hear the music when the lights go out,
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind is all too clear.
Music when the lights come on
The girl I thought I knew has gone,
And with her my heart had disappeared...
Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
All the memories of the fights and the nights
and the blue lights, all the kites
We flew together,
I thought they'd fly forever.
But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you forgive me
But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
Music when the lights go out
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind it's all too clear.
Music when the lights come on
The girl I thought I knew has gone
And With her my heart had disappeared
Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
And no longer hear the music
Still - started my new job today, I am the only girl in the office ... so must be very hardworking, very efficient and wear low cut tops so I can convince the boys to do my shit jobs! :D I am really enjoying it so far, I mean today was more "watch" rather than "do" but it was interesting.
I am utterly disgusted at these "Sympathy" sites for Raoul friggin Moat .... I mean seriously? the man was a psychopathic murderer. I dont care how troubled he was, he took a mans life, shot his ex in the stomach so "she couldnt wear belly tops again" and blinded a policeman, he was an absolute animal, rageful, hateful and I am glad he is dead. It would have been a waste of money to house the animal in jail with all the others! The 6 hour stand off with the police was simply a waste of police time, he should have been shot on sight and be done with it .....
Another sleep another day.
I am playing poker tomorrow with friends ... Woohoo ... I am not betting more than a penny though ha ha.
I guess my greatest fear is falling in love again.
Sounds pretty morbid but once you have fallen in love and it doesnt work out, once you have had your heart crushed and shattered you never really want to feel that again. No physical pain can compare to it and there is no time scale for it to heal either. I guess its my biggest fear because it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, it was the worst thing I have had to go through ... am still going through .... and due to that, it is my biggest fear. Its horrible to not want something so wonderful.
Whats new this week? Not a lot. Met with my ex for drinks, had a meal, had an awful argument, left feeling pretty shitty and now I feel even further away from him than I did the day he looked me in the eyes and said "Sorry, I dont love you. This wont work". Yet I cannot stop contacting him, makes me so angry at myself but a part of me yearns for him, and its worse that being thirsty or hungry or tired, its a constant nag, just wanting to hear from him, hear he is okay, even just pray for a text from him because then I know for one split second of his day, I was the only thing on his mind. Sad huh? I still have to swallow down a scream when I think of all the time we spent together, everything we said and did and now .. I dread seeing him with his new GF, I dread saying whats on my mind for fear of his reaction and I dread never seeing him again. Women are so frigging complex! Why can I not just be like a man? Push the person I was once the closest to in the world - right to the back of my mind, start shagging some teenager and shut everything out. I wish I could just shut everything out and be me again. I remember being alone and completely happy - then he came along and I lost myself in him, he didnt give me back, so I am struggling to find the leftover bits of me. I am out there somewhere.
Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind,
and to lie to you rather than hurt you?
Well I'll confess all of of my sins
after several large gins
but still I'll hide from you,
hide what's inside from you.
And alarm bells ring
when you say your heart still sings
when you're with me.
Won't you please forgive me?
But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
And all the memories of the pubs
and the clubs and the drugs and the tubs
we shared together,
Will stay with me forever.
But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's,
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you please forgive me
I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no
Well I no longer hear the music when the lights go out,
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind is all too clear.
Music when the lights come on
The girl I thought I knew has gone,
And with her my heart had disappeared...
Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
All the memories of the fights and the nights
and the blue lights, all the kites
We flew together,
I thought they'd fly forever.
But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you forgive me
But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
Music when the lights go out
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind it's all too clear.
Music when the lights come on
The girl I thought I knew has gone
And With her my heart had disappeared
Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
And no longer hear the music
Still - started my new job today, I am the only girl in the office ... so must be very hardworking, very efficient and wear low cut tops so I can convince the boys to do my shit jobs! :D I am really enjoying it so far, I mean today was more "watch" rather than "do" but it was interesting.
I am utterly disgusted at these "Sympathy" sites for Raoul friggin Moat .... I mean seriously? the man was a psychopathic murderer. I dont care how troubled he was, he took a mans life, shot his ex in the stomach so "she couldnt wear belly tops again" and blinded a policeman, he was an absolute animal, rageful, hateful and I am glad he is dead. It would have been a waste of money to house the animal in jail with all the others! The 6 hour stand off with the police was simply a waste of police time, he should have been shot on sight and be done with it .....
Another sleep another day.
I am playing poker tomorrow with friends ... Woohoo ... I am not betting more than a penny though ha ha.