Vent
So I've been having a bit of a moment lately.
There's this thing happening where me and the board-gamer of my life might be getting a place. It's a cheap, small, 'needs lots of fixing' apartment, but it would be ours. A wonderfully amazing set of coincidences brought it to our attention, and in less than 6 hours I'm finding out if this is actually happening or if it was all just a lot of bubbly unwarranted hope.
Now, I know I am not supposed to be all crazy giddy before things are concrete (and a good part of it is not up to us) but I can't help it, so I have been spending more or less a week in a state of emotional roller coaster. I've been barfing optimism and pessimism at regular intervals for the last couple of days until tonight, when I stopped to think. And my thought was that I am completely terrified.
Not of moving-in-with-boyfriend feels of commitment, which I have bags of OK for, but of the fact that it's inevitable that at some point soon I'm going to have to go and deliver a lot of cash somewhere. Now there might seem like there are alternatives, but I'm not explaining the whole picture here. Suffices to say that I am 110% positive that that's got to happen.
I know it's a mostly irrational fear. There IS some risk involved in totting around the city with a large amount of cash, and I know how to handle myself, not to mention I'm not even doing any of this alone, but I just cannot rationalize it. At all. I think I have been crying for the past couple of hours, because I'm terrified that something might happen to my dad, or my boyfriend, or relatives, whatever, and I just can't deal with how scared I am of the Street. I even know that if things actually got nasty and someone got mugged, it would just amount to losing part of the money, and money just comes and goes, but just the idea makes me ill.
I didn't know I was that afraid of this stuff, but I am. It's a bit surprising, really.
Well, that's it. I just needed to vent a bit... I'm needing to vent too often lately -____-
There's this thing happening where me and the board-gamer of my life might be getting a place. It's a cheap, small, 'needs lots of fixing' apartment, but it would be ours. A wonderfully amazing set of coincidences brought it to our attention, and in less than 6 hours I'm finding out if this is actually happening or if it was all just a lot of bubbly unwarranted hope.
Now, I know I am not supposed to be all crazy giddy before things are concrete (and a good part of it is not up to us) but I can't help it, so I have been spending more or less a week in a state of emotional roller coaster. I've been barfing optimism and pessimism at regular intervals for the last couple of days until tonight, when I stopped to think. And my thought was that I am completely terrified.
Not of moving-in-with-boyfriend feels of commitment, which I have bags of OK for, but of the fact that it's inevitable that at some point soon I'm going to have to go and deliver a lot of cash somewhere. Now there might seem like there are alternatives, but I'm not explaining the whole picture here. Suffices to say that I am 110% positive that that's got to happen.
I know it's a mostly irrational fear. There IS some risk involved in totting around the city with a large amount of cash, and I know how to handle myself, not to mention I'm not even doing any of this alone, but I just cannot rationalize it. At all. I think I have been crying for the past couple of hours, because I'm terrified that something might happen to my dad, or my boyfriend, or relatives, whatever, and I just can't deal with how scared I am of the Street. I even know that if things actually got nasty and someone got mugged, it would just amount to losing part of the money, and money just comes and goes, but just the idea makes me ill.
I didn't know I was that afraid of this stuff, but I am. It's a bit surprising, really.
Well, that's it. I just needed to vent a bit... I'm needing to vent too often lately -____-