(no subject)
I could leave anytime, you know. It wouldn't be easy: I'm not quite done with high school, and living on one's own costs money. But I could. I don't have anything tying me here but what I chose to let tie me. And it is a choice.
In stories, their never seems to be a consensus on whether ties that which completes us, or simply a hindrance. Which is fair: I can't decide either. Right now, I'm staying, and I'm loving, and being loved, needing and being needed. But it is a cage. No, this is more like...fetters. My cage is this house. I may love my parents, but I don't trust them. I can't relax around them, and I'm confined to my own room, simply because of my desire to avoid them. Anything I want to do, I have to check with them. Which is relatively normal, but given everything, that fact makes everything much more fraught, and I end up feeling caged again.
Still, I'm gaining more skills, more resources all the time. It's getting easier and easier to leave. I won't. Not yet, anyway. I don't really plan to break all my bonds for years, if ever. But the potential, the knowing that I could, is....something I need.
That potential, besides offering an escape option, also means that I chose my life. If I could have a different life, but chose not to, that means the life I currently have is one I chose, and one I can change. There is always another option.
Not that the bonds are all bad. Last night/this morning was pretty excellent, for example. But even then, there was a a bad time (vague on purpose). My point being, then, that these bonds are both painful and soothing. It's a choice between having both, and having neither. And today, the most important part of that is that it is a choice.
P.S. On another note, you can really tell how much Air Gear I've been reading. Hint: it's the metaphors. Speaking of, should I do more fandom posts? I'm noting a distinct lack thereof in my journal as of late.
In stories, their never seems to be a consensus on whether ties that which completes us, or simply a hindrance. Which is fair: I can't decide either. Right now, I'm staying, and I'm loving, and being loved, needing and being needed. But it is a cage. No, this is more like...fetters. My cage is this house. I may love my parents, but I don't trust them. I can't relax around them, and I'm confined to my own room, simply because of my desire to avoid them. Anything I want to do, I have to check with them. Which is relatively normal, but given everything, that fact makes everything much more fraught, and I end up feeling caged again.
Still, I'm gaining more skills, more resources all the time. It's getting easier and easier to leave. I won't. Not yet, anyway. I don't really plan to break all my bonds for years, if ever. But the potential, the knowing that I could, is....something I need.
That potential, besides offering an escape option, also means that I chose my life. If I could have a different life, but chose not to, that means the life I currently have is one I chose, and one I can change. There is always another option.
Not that the bonds are all bad. Last night/this morning was pretty excellent, for example. But even then, there was a a bad time (vague on purpose). My point being, then, that these bonds are both painful and soothing. It's a choice between having both, and having neither. And today, the most important part of that is that it is a choice.
P.S. On another note, you can really tell how much Air Gear I've been reading. Hint: it's the metaphors. Speaking of, should I do more fandom posts? I'm noting a distinct lack thereof in my journal as of late.