(no subject)
I'm starting to post things here so I remember and never forget, a letter to Arianna:
So this is going to be one of those bizarre letters that I should have just slept off instead of sitting here and writing. Just now I was wondering about a common theme that you and I talk about. Like what the normal level of sadness for the average person is. I never just cry, but if I see something that touches me like a very sad story then I don't stop crying for a while. And finally I realize that I'm no longer even crying about the movie/book whatever although the story does make me very sad. I'm not sure why this is, like obviously ever girl likes a good cry sometimes but idk. Yesterday I saw atonement and it was the most moving story that I had seen in a while and it made me so miserable. But I ended up watching it again tonight. I seem to do this to myself. But regardless, I feel like a lot of people don't feel things the same way that I do. Everyone knows that the world is ugly but they choose to pretend that it's not, but the older I get the uglier everything gets. Everyone just puts it away and pretends its not there like the pink elephant in the room. But everything is so fucked up that I can't even believe that people can go on pretending it's not. And then when I am miserable like this I think of all the fucking shit that I have going for me, and that still doesn't make me the slightest bit happy. Sometimes I adore myself, but other times there are days that I don't even know who I am. I don't know how anyone can really claim to know anyone or be close to anyone because i see my face every single day and but it still surprises me and I still don't even have it memorized. And yesterday this boy tells me he loves me, how fucking profound is that? I've probably already managed to ruin his life. And everything feels so surreal, like a crazy dream and only college has felt like this but I've felt like I'm stuck in a car with everything blurring by me and I can't hold on to anything. I'm starting to really not like who I am becoming, a part of me loves it because I'm so fucking good at life by everyone elses standards I mean honestly could I ask for more? I'm sure there are girls dying to be me. But I'm losing respect for myself, one thing about being edge was it gave me a sense of pride that I was different and better than everyone else and that they were weak. But now I'm beginning to spiral downward, first I gave that up but now I'm doing other things that I said that I would never do and that's what makes me feel like I don't even know who I am. And on top of that I'm leaving a path of destruction behind me, every poor boy that's gotten in my way. I don't know what to do.
So this is going to be one of those bizarre letters that I should have just slept off instead of sitting here and writing. Just now I was wondering about a common theme that you and I talk about. Like what the normal level of sadness for the average person is. I never just cry, but if I see something that touches me like a very sad story then I don't stop crying for a while. And finally I realize that I'm no longer even crying about the movie/book whatever although the story does make me very sad. I'm not sure why this is, like obviously ever girl likes a good cry sometimes but idk. Yesterday I saw atonement and it was the most moving story that I had seen in a while and it made me so miserable. But I ended up watching it again tonight. I seem to do this to myself. But regardless, I feel like a lot of people don't feel things the same way that I do. Everyone knows that the world is ugly but they choose to pretend that it's not, but the older I get the uglier everything gets. Everyone just puts it away and pretends its not there like the pink elephant in the room. But everything is so fucked up that I can't even believe that people can go on pretending it's not. And then when I am miserable like this I think of all the fucking shit that I have going for me, and that still doesn't make me the slightest bit happy. Sometimes I adore myself, but other times there are days that I don't even know who I am. I don't know how anyone can really claim to know anyone or be close to anyone because i see my face every single day and but it still surprises me and I still don't even have it memorized. And yesterday this boy tells me he loves me, how fucking profound is that? I've probably already managed to ruin his life. And everything feels so surreal, like a crazy dream and only college has felt like this but I've felt like I'm stuck in a car with everything blurring by me and I can't hold on to anything. I'm starting to really not like who I am becoming, a part of me loves it because I'm so fucking good at life by everyone elses standards I mean honestly could I ask for more? I'm sure there are girls dying to be me. But I'm losing respect for myself, one thing about being edge was it gave me a sense of pride that I was different and better than everyone else and that they were weak. But now I'm beginning to spiral downward, first I gave that up but now I'm doing other things that I said that I would never do and that's what makes me feel like I don't even know who I am. And on top of that I'm leaving a path of destruction behind me, every poor boy that's gotten in my way. I don't know what to do.