Cherry Blossoms (Short X-Men Fanfic)
Cherry Blossoms
I had to leave him.
Five years, and he’s still alive. I dunno whether to laugh or cry at that fact. With all the shit I put him through; the way I treated him when we first met. It makes me wonder what he sees in me. I wonder why he smiles every time he comes back from a heist as if he’s been thinkin’ of me the entire time he’s been gone. Each time I’ve left, lost control of myself, he’s always been there; waitin’ for me to come back.
I’ve gotta hand it to you, Rims, you got heart. A pure heart and one I ain’t deservin’ of. Sides, I knew when I came back that night, I couldn’t do it anymore. Told Scott I was quittin the X-Men. I was done playing superhero after he hooked up with Emma. As if Jean had never existed and he had never loved her. Replacin’ her with someone who had tried to turn against us at every turn.
That’s why I told you to forget about me. Why I lied, said what you and I had was fun, but it was about time you moved on. Found someone worthy of having that heart of yours. You irritate the hell out of me but still… I still love... I think about you all the time.
Don’t tease me. I’m not one for sappy poetry.
Seein’ as I’m out of the job, I decided to go to Tokyo. Got a few friends here who’ll help me find work. Hell, they may even put me in the same line of work you’re in. Seein’ as you’re the professional, let’s hope I learned a thing or two from you.
It’s been two weeks now since last I saw you and I’m staying at a hotel that overlooks the city. I see cars passin’ by below me like lighting bugs flittin’ about. What strikes me most is some of the crazy stuff kids are willing to wear these days. I swear I saw one girl who had managed to dye her hair seven different shades of pink. Nowadays, there isn’t just one color but different “shades” of everything.
“Nice to see you back, Logan-san.” I heard her long before I saw her. I could smell her a mile off though. Caught it on the wind as she was coming up. She knows there’s no sneaking up on me unless I’m half dead.
I turned around to see her. Yukio. She and I go way back; before I ever met you. Before I joined the X-Men I would visit Tokyo often. Mostly to visit Mariko’s grave, let her know I still love her. Still think of her all the time, actually. When I run into Yukio it’s usually because she wants me to help her with somethin’. To save a client, complete a job, whatever you want to call it. Afterward if I’m interested, she’ll invite me back to her place for a tumble.
I wondered if I wouldn’t take her up on the offer if it came up. I’ve worked with her from time to time since I met you. Stopped takin’ her up on those adventures between the sheets though after you and I got together, Rims.
“Can’t say the same for you, Yukio. You want somethin’?” I asked her. She gave me one of her cat-ate-the-canary smiles and sauntered towards me, swaying her hips. Can’t say I didn’t take one look before my eyes focused back on her face. Been a long time since I’ve been with an actual woman. Though, thinkin’ of you, Rims, always gets me hot under the collar like no woman ever has. But that’s getting into somethin’ I shouldn’t be thinkin’ about. I left you. You deserve better than me.
Yukio raised an eyebrow and reached up, running her long fingers over my stubble. I forgot to shave since I’d come to Tokyo. So I know I was beginnin’ to look more like the wild man people claim I am every day. At times I feel like one, have all my life ever since I can remember. To her credit, Yukio and I have always had an understandin’ between each other. Neither of us gets too close to the other. I don’t think she would be interested in me, anyway. I’m not exactly one of those pretty boys she likes.
“I saw you coming in a little while ago. Thought I might drop in and keep you company. Tomorrow I have a job to do with some ninja boys. If you’re going to be here a while…” She trailed off; throwing an arm around my neck and rubbing her leg between mine none to subtly. As open an invitation if I ever needed one. I was about to wrap my arm around her, say yes, and take her to the unmade hotel bed with me.
Then thoughts of you flooded my mind. Of you pressing your cigarette against my cigar because you don’t have a lighter. Standing framed in the doorway talkin’ to me post-battle about how I’m too reckless. Completely ignoring the fact you have at least a dozen cuts all over your body that are still bleeding while I’m perfectly healed. That one night you brought me back authentic Cuban cigars you had filtched from a target’s house because you knew I’d been wantin’ them for a long time. Of the first time you came to my room in the middle of the night. The first time we made love…
I gently pushed Yukio away. She frowned at this; her brow drawing down and wrinkling her face. She’s a beautiful woman, Yukio. Known for her wily ways and even crazier love making. She can also drop thirty ninjas in hiding in less than thirty seconds. Ten if they all fly at her at once. Jet black hair and sublime legs, she doesn’t look a day over twenty-five. Soft cheeks and even prettier eyes; she’s every man’s wet dream. That night, though, she wasn’t in mine.
“Thanks, babe, but not tonight. I ain’t in the mood.” I told her. She raised an eyebrow at that. I’ve never really refused her before so this was new. Even for me.
“Who’s the lucky lady? Anyone I know?” She teased, brushing her fingernails lightly down my arm. It sent a shiver down my spine, but I brushed her away. She doesn’t know how to do what you do.
“No. Doubt you ever heard of them. I came here to think, Yukio, nothin’ more. Maybe if I’m looking for some exercise I’ll come see you tomorrow.” I said, my smile coming easily. Yukio’s frown deepens as she shakes her head, giving me a pitiful look. As if I’m a dog who needs pettin’.
“I know a few stretches you could try. Help you relax so you can calm those thoughts in your head. A man like you has needs, Logan-san. You shouldn’t deny them when you have a chance for release.” She said, reaching up to stroke my cheek one last time. Then just like that, a second later, she was gone. She’d vaulted over the railing and was no doubt already scaling down the side of the building.
I sighed and turned back to studying the city. Eventually, I took out a cigar, not a Cuban unfortunately, lit it and blew the smoke into the wind. Watched it carry it away across the city wondering if it’ll carry across the ocean. Manage to get to the Xavier Institute where you are, pass through an open window, and you’d smell it. A faint scent on the wind. I wonder if you’ll know it’s me who blew that smoke when you catch the scent. Try to follow it to wherever I’m at. But by then I’ll be long gone.
I stayed out on the balcony until I couldn’t smoke my cigar any longer. I ground it out on the railing, tossing it over the edge. I left the sliding glass door open to let a cool breeze in from outside, stripping down to my boxers and falling into bed. I hoped to stop thinking of you for a few hours.
I slept good for the most part. At first I thought I was dreaming because I smelled your scent. It’s always been a balm to me ever since I began to realize how I felt about you. When you started to become more to me than my teammate. Tobacco and cinnamon lingering on my tongue like a candy before melting away. When I wake up I’m thinking it’s a ghost scent lingering in my nostrils because it hasn’t gone away.
That’s when I felt something warm pressing against my arm. My instincts kicked in and I rolled away off the bed, shooting to my feet. Popped the claws with a snikt, raising them above my head. A war cry already in my throat.
Only to see you sleeping there on my bed. Yukio stood there calmly, giving me a disapproving glare, a sword at your throat. For a moment my mind went completely blank, shocked to see you here in Tokyo. You were still fully clothed, even with your boots on. You were laying on top of the sheets, your head facing the side of the bed I had been sleeping on. Clearly you must have fallen asleep as soon as you found me. Completely passed out. Helpless.
“I was going to kill him when I saw him climb through your window.” Yukio explained, nodding towards the open balcony doors. It was still dark out, but I could see the sky beginning to turn a deep navy blue rather than black. Morning was coming.
“But then once he got in he just staggered over to the bed and got in next to you. I didn’t know whether to laugh or if this was some kind of nutcase.”
I clenched my fists; my claws itching to dig into something. Seeing the blade pressed against your throat didn’t help me to check my rage. You must have been out of it to not have noticed you had a tail. Seeing the look on my face, Yukio lifted her blade from your neck and put it away. Probably thinkin’ I wanted to end your life instead of her. Or wake you up and interrogate you. The thought crossed my mind to do that; to wake you up, demand to know how you found me.
I came around to your side of the bed and leaned over to study you. First thing I noticed were the bags under your eyes. You must have been up the past couple of nights with little to no sleep. By the way you were restin’ on the bed; I bet you probably did skip on sleep while lookin’ for me. You had lost a bit of weight since I had last seen you, too. I sighed, straightening up to look at Yukio.
“He’s with me, Yukio. I know this guy.” I tell her. Yukio looked even more surprised that I’m not more outraged. Finding a man in my bed in the middle of the night would usually because enough for a bit of an outrage on my part. Instead I glared at you, but couldn’t bring myself to wake you. You could at least sleep soundly for a while before I tried to wake you up.
“Really? You never struck me for the type, Logan-san. You know how to pick a pretty one, that’s for sure.” Yukio said, admiring you sleeping on the bed. I felt a flash of jealously that she would do such a thing. It must have shown on my face because she let out a chuckle, shaking her head.
“He must have been drunk to pick you, though. Or not right in the head I think. You don’t look like his type.” Yukio said to me. I snorted, shaking my head while still keeping an eye on you. My senses told me you were still deep in sleep.
“You don’t even know the half of it.” I told her. Yukio wished me good-bye before disappearing into the dawn.
I couldn’t really think of what to do now that we’re here. A part of me was happy to see you. Glad to know you still care, but another part of me isn’t so sure. A coward in me who wanted to sneak away while your eyes were still closed. Go hide in a cave somewhere so you can never find me.
You didn’t wake until late afternoon. That entire time all you did was shift over onto your side. I managed to take your boots off and set them next to my own by the door. A habit I picked up ever since Mariko even though there’s really no need for it now. I could toss them into a corner if I wanted to, but small things like that have just stuck with me.
You didn’t wake up all at once. I could tell you were awake, but you pulled the pillow down over your head to block out the light. After about ten minutes, you let out a sigh and stretched your legs. Your feet pressed against my hip, almost pushing me off the bed. Feeling me seemed to wake you up more and you pushed the pillow away; sitting up and staring at me.
Your hair was a mess. A nest for birds to lay their eggs in. I never understood why you insisted on keeping it long, but it just compliments your looks. Can’t remember how many times I woke up nearly choking on it when you slept with your back to me and I was stupid enough press up against you. Your red-on-black eyes were bright, now fully aware I was there.
I expected you to curse at me. Maybe to demand why I left. But instead you just stared at me as if surprised to see me. As if you had thought to wake up and find me gone.
“Mon glutton?” You said in one breath. I couldn’t take it. I stood up and turn my back to you walk out to the balcony. I hadn’t heard that nickname in two weeks. You’re the only person who’s ever called me that.
“Don’t.” I growled out, refusing to look at you. Refusing to turn around because I knew I’d break.
“Don’t you dare, Remy. I told you to stay there. We’re over. Why can’t you understand that?”
I heard you get up off the bed and walk towards me. I growled when I heard you come closer. You stopped, only three feet behind me. Damn, your scent was still in my nostrils. Driving me crazy close to the edge where I don’t need to be.
“I dare, cher, because I can.” You said. I was surprised. You usually don’t talk like that.
“How did you find me?” I asked to cover up my raw wounds. The ones opening up in my heart and beginning to tear at me on the inside.
“Followed your trail, cher, not that you left much of one. Remy got lucky when he came to the airport. One of the personnel had seen your photo. Been chasing after you for three days straight non-stop to catch up with you. Could barely see straight when he finally found you here.” You said this last part with no doubt a self-satisfied grin on your face. I refused to look at you, but I could hear the expression in your voice. I know you so well I can almost finish your sentences by now.
“You didn’t sleep at all?” I asked despite myself. At this you gave a tired laugh as if I was being stupid. Which, at the moment, I probably was.
“Non, mon glutton, not one wink of sleep for de Gambit. He had a valuable quarry he had t’ chase down, did he not? Now dat he’s here t’ough an’ has you in his grasp, what d’you plan t’ do next?” You asked, sauntering up close to me. I fixed my gaze on the horizon, curling my fists.
I didn’t give you a warning. No quarter to defend yourself as I spun around, already aiming to punch you in the gut. Next to clock you in the head so you’d be knocked out cold. But you’ve always trained with me. Been my partner in battle even when I never wanted you there. You saw my punch coming a mile away and blocked it, taking a step back as I swung my other fist. It met nothing more than open air.
I came after you charging, letting out a roar of defiance as I popped the claws. You continued to give ground until you were in the middle of the room. Right then, you stood stalk still, watching me come at you unflinchingly. I swung my left fist up, claws whistling through the air. Still you did nothing. They came closer, I was going slow to give you time to strike back. To send me flying over the edge of the balcony, plummeting twenty stories below.
Instead you stepped into the punch, reached up and caught my fist. Each finger delicately placed between the claws. I push, but I don’t put much strength into it. With you in front of me, I never really throw my full strength into those punches. You’re tough as nails, just like I am, but I spoil you in that way. You know I hold back, but you’ve never called me out on it. Just went along with it, knowing you were still learning despite me going easy on you.
You leaned forward and kissed me under the chin. Just like our first one, the one you stole for me. At that I cursed, withdrew my claws and yanked my fist out of your hand. Took a step back as you continued to stand there studying me. It was my one weakness with you. Something only you know. That kiss under the chin always melts me. I can be pissed as hell at you and all you have to do is give me that kiss. And all the anger will fade away, leaving me glaring at you and knowing I can’t do shit about it.
“What?” You said, pretending to sound innocent when you ain’t. I could practically see your inner self cackling at how easily you have control over me.
“You fought dirty, Rims.”
“Non, Remy fought fair!”
“You cheated.”
“How did he cheat?”
“Kissing in the middle of a fistfight?!”
“Well, cher, when the snikt sounds all bets are off.”
You said this smugly, smirking at me and knowing you had won. I cursed, going to turn away from you to grab my stuff. Intending to leave whether you liked it or not.
You grabbed my arm and it was like a vice. Even though I could easily yank away from your grasp, I didn’t. But I still refused to look at you even as you took a step closer. Your voice grew softer as you talked to me.
“Logan, please, don’t leave.” I gritted my teeth, trying to resist. To hold back.
“You can at least face me like man, Logan!” You yelled this. One of the few times in a while you’ve been angry at me. Angry enough to vent your frustration at me when I’m the cause of it. I sighed, turning to face you.
“What do you want me to say, Rims? Want me to say I’m sorry? Look, I can’t stand it anymore. Just because I left doesn’t mean-“
“Remy quit too. Or, well, was retired early.” You said as an afterthought. I blinked, confused now as you said this.
“What? You liked working for the X-Men, Rims! Why would you quit? You bring a lot to the team.” Now you had my full attention. You let go of my arm as I turned to fully face you as I spoke.
“Dis was long befo’e Remy even knew ya meant t’ quit, cher. It was buggin’ him, what Scott was doin’. It was as if… He lost sight of the true purpose of the X-Men. Besides, he never liked de Gambit anyway. Even less so when he was wit’ you.” You told me with raised eyebrows. You were telling the truth. Scott had always been harder on you than he really should have been. I knew it wasn’t your fault all those mutants died. You were tricked and ever since have been trying to redeem yourself. I’ve come close to driving my claws through Scott’s thick skull more than a couple of times for the ways he treated you. If you ask me, you’ve more than redeemed yourself for what happened. Not like me, a man who can never be saved.
“So, what? After I left you just decided to show yourself out the door?” You shrugged your shoulders like it’s nothing.
“Not at first, no. Spent de first couple of days just trainin’ in de Danger Room, tryin’ t’ work out my anger. Figure out where it all went wrong. Den Remy made up his mind and told Scott he was leaving. Hank didn’t want yo’ Cajun t’ leave, and neither did Nightcrawler. Storm took it harder than de others, but wished him luck.” You explained this to me all so calmly. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. After a minute, I shook my head.
“Rims, let me show you something first. There’s a different reason why I came here.” I told you. You raised an eyebrow at this, but nodded your head all the same. Trusting me like you always had. Letting me take the lead when I know you could do so much better.
“Then maybe you’ll think twice about staying with me.” I said. You said nothing as I shrugged on my jacket, laced up my boots, and pretty soon we were on the curb. I was surprised when you talked to one of those street punks you see out on the street with the crazy hair colors. He walked around the corner and returned a minute later, wheeling a bike. I frowned and glared at you. You were smiling like there would be no tomorrow.
“Really?”
“What? You don’t want t’ ride wit’ Remy?”
Thankfully I acquired my own bike when I came to Tokyo. We rode out together, managing to avoid most of the traffic. We had the roads to ourselves and we sped down a highway together, me in the lead. You follow not too far behind me. A couple of times you speed up to ride alongside me, not saying anything. We stayed like that for a few minutes, not saying anything but rather letting the roar of our bikes say it all. Then you dropped back behind me loyally following me even though I didn’t deserve it.
About an hour out of the city, I pulled up alongside a graveyard. It’s empty, of living people anyway, the gates reaching up to the bright blue sky. I parked and got off my bike, you coming to a stop only a few seconds behind me. You said nothing as I went into the graveyard towards a headstone. I already knew where it was, have known for a long time. I come here when I can. I knew you were curious, but you said nothing. Asked no questions of me, knowing without me saying anything it was important. I was showing you a piece of me no one else knew about. A weakness I at times can’t even admit to myself.
It didn’t take long before we could see it. A tall obsidian stone set apart from the others. I took a deep breath and walked towards it, my heart pounding. You followed me, a hush falling over the world as we approached. As if she knew I’d brought a visitor. As if she too had been waiting for this moment.
Mariko.
Mariko was my wife once. A woman whom I loved with all my heart and soul. Gave everything to before she was killed. Because she had fallen in love with me. For daring to know a man who was more beast than anything. Gave in to his animal side far too many times to count to kill other men. Some of those men with wives of their own. Children at home who no longer had their fathers.
I pushed the thoughts out of my head as I stopped in front of her grave. I bowed my head for a moment, not sure if I meant to pray or not. You stepped up beside me. Closed your eyes and bowed your head as well. I saw your lips move before you raised your eyes. They were immediately drawn to a picture behind glass set in the black stone.
I reached up and brushed my fingers over the picture. Felt the tears burn at the corners of my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. I saw you watching me, your eyes turning to stare again at the picture. Studying it as I began to talk.
“This is Mariko. She was my wife.” I said. I took a breath in order to say more. You said nothing just standing there waiting for me to continue.
“I loved her. Loved her more than life itself. When I was with her I questioned how I had become so lucky. What had I done to deserve such happiness.” You nodded, knowing how painful it was for me to say those words. I could see it in your eyes.
“What happened?” The only question you dared ask in a hushed whisper. I took a shuddering breath as I looked you in the eyes as I said the last part.
“She was killed because of me. One of my enemies came after her, killed her and our unborn child. I was too late.” I said quietly. Understanding dawned over your face as you glanced at the picture once again. Then you focused back on me as I looked at Mariko once again.
“Rims, whenever it became too much for me I would think of her. Of our time together. I’ve gone over again and again in my mind why it had to end in blood. Thinking maybe I should have stopped it before it ever began. But, everytime, when I lost myself I would come to her. Find the man I once was. The one that made her smile.”
I closed my eyes for the last part. I didn’t want to see the disgust on your face when I uttered it.
“Now, though, since being with you… I think of you when I lose myself. When I need to come back from the brink. You’ve made me the happiest I’ve been since Mariko.” The words hurt when they came out, but only for a second. A warm feeling of peace descended over me as I admitted it.
When I opened my eyes again, there was no look of disgust. Instead there was a look of sadness on your face. At first I wondered if it was because of what I said. If you felt sorry for me now that you knew the truth. Instead, you reached up and caressed my cheek, leaning forward. Your thumb brushed lightly over the stubble I still needed to shave. Pressing your forehead against mine as you talked so I couldn’t look away this time.
“Thank you, Logan.” That’s all you said. Then you pulled away, dropping your hand from my cheek. It felt cold now that your hand was no longer there. You turned towards the gravestone and bow to it. I was surprised, wondering what you were up to.
“Mariko, Remy never had de pleasure of meetin’ you in life. He knows, though, you were a good person. Someone who died before deir time. You brought a rare light to dis world few can accomplish and for dat he thanks you. But now he asks somethin’ of you.” You reached up and gently touched the picture as if she was really there. As if you were truly speaking to the woman I once loved. Perhaps you were. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was listening to you from wherever it is she moved on to.
“With your blessin’, cher, let me love dis man whom you once called yo’ husband. He’s a good man, Logan is, even if he can be frustratin’, bullheaded, and drink enough to knock out a full grown elephant at times. Allow me t’ spoil him, watch him smile, make him laugh, but most of all, let me make him happy.”
At that moment, a strong wind picked up. It made your hair whip away from your face as you stepped back from grave. That’s when we both saw them. Cherry blossoms coming down from the trees to fall around us like snow. They landed on your hair, your shoulders, and they got all over me. There was a look of complete surprise on your face and mine as well.
All the trees had closed blooms. There were no cherry blossom petals to come off of them.
You turned to me then, the blossoms still falling around us. I didn’t wait. I started to grin like a fool even as I reached out and drew you closer. I kissed you.
I kissed you deep. Drank you in as if you’re life itself. A warm essence I can never get enough of, can’t live on without. Afterwards we both pulled back and stared at each other. I glanced again at the picture and I swear the smile in the picture had grown just a touch bigger. As if she heard what Remy said. As if she too was glad to see me happy.
We lingered a while longer at the grave. Gathered up a few of the cherry blossoms and put them on the grave before we left. As we did, I glanced at you, the red eyed man by my side. Cherry blossoms still in your hair. You hadn’t noticed yet. I didn’t bother to tell you about it.
“Hey Rims, wanna grab a cold one?” I asked you. You lauged, shoving me lightly with you’re shoulder as we headed towards our bikes.
“Only if you start a barfight, mon glutton.”
“You know I’m good for it. Oh, and Rims?”
“Yes, Logan?”
“I love you.”
I had to leave him.
Five years, and he’s still alive. I dunno whether to laugh or cry at that fact. With all the shit I put him through; the way I treated him when we first met. It makes me wonder what he sees in me. I wonder why he smiles every time he comes back from a heist as if he’s been thinkin’ of me the entire time he’s been gone. Each time I’ve left, lost control of myself, he’s always been there; waitin’ for me to come back.
I’ve gotta hand it to you, Rims, you got heart. A pure heart and one I ain’t deservin’ of. Sides, I knew when I came back that night, I couldn’t do it anymore. Told Scott I was quittin the X-Men. I was done playing superhero after he hooked up with Emma. As if Jean had never existed and he had never loved her. Replacin’ her with someone who had tried to turn against us at every turn.
That’s why I told you to forget about me. Why I lied, said what you and I had was fun, but it was about time you moved on. Found someone worthy of having that heart of yours. You irritate the hell out of me but still… I still love... I think about you all the time.
Don’t tease me. I’m not one for sappy poetry.
Seein’ as I’m out of the job, I decided to go to Tokyo. Got a few friends here who’ll help me find work. Hell, they may even put me in the same line of work you’re in. Seein’ as you’re the professional, let’s hope I learned a thing or two from you.
It’s been two weeks now since last I saw you and I’m staying at a hotel that overlooks the city. I see cars passin’ by below me like lighting bugs flittin’ about. What strikes me most is some of the crazy stuff kids are willing to wear these days. I swear I saw one girl who had managed to dye her hair seven different shades of pink. Nowadays, there isn’t just one color but different “shades” of everything.
“Nice to see you back, Logan-san.” I heard her long before I saw her. I could smell her a mile off though. Caught it on the wind as she was coming up. She knows there’s no sneaking up on me unless I’m half dead.
I turned around to see her. Yukio. She and I go way back; before I ever met you. Before I joined the X-Men I would visit Tokyo often. Mostly to visit Mariko’s grave, let her know I still love her. Still think of her all the time, actually. When I run into Yukio it’s usually because she wants me to help her with somethin’. To save a client, complete a job, whatever you want to call it. Afterward if I’m interested, she’ll invite me back to her place for a tumble.
I wondered if I wouldn’t take her up on the offer if it came up. I’ve worked with her from time to time since I met you. Stopped takin’ her up on those adventures between the sheets though after you and I got together, Rims.
“Can’t say the same for you, Yukio. You want somethin’?” I asked her. She gave me one of her cat-ate-the-canary smiles and sauntered towards me, swaying her hips. Can’t say I didn’t take one look before my eyes focused back on her face. Been a long time since I’ve been with an actual woman. Though, thinkin’ of you, Rims, always gets me hot under the collar like no woman ever has. But that’s getting into somethin’ I shouldn’t be thinkin’ about. I left you. You deserve better than me.
Yukio raised an eyebrow and reached up, running her long fingers over my stubble. I forgot to shave since I’d come to Tokyo. So I know I was beginnin’ to look more like the wild man people claim I am every day. At times I feel like one, have all my life ever since I can remember. To her credit, Yukio and I have always had an understandin’ between each other. Neither of us gets too close to the other. I don’t think she would be interested in me, anyway. I’m not exactly one of those pretty boys she likes.
“I saw you coming in a little while ago. Thought I might drop in and keep you company. Tomorrow I have a job to do with some ninja boys. If you’re going to be here a while…” She trailed off; throwing an arm around my neck and rubbing her leg between mine none to subtly. As open an invitation if I ever needed one. I was about to wrap my arm around her, say yes, and take her to the unmade hotel bed with me.
Then thoughts of you flooded my mind. Of you pressing your cigarette against my cigar because you don’t have a lighter. Standing framed in the doorway talkin’ to me post-battle about how I’m too reckless. Completely ignoring the fact you have at least a dozen cuts all over your body that are still bleeding while I’m perfectly healed. That one night you brought me back authentic Cuban cigars you had filtched from a target’s house because you knew I’d been wantin’ them for a long time. Of the first time you came to my room in the middle of the night. The first time we made love…
I gently pushed Yukio away. She frowned at this; her brow drawing down and wrinkling her face. She’s a beautiful woman, Yukio. Known for her wily ways and even crazier love making. She can also drop thirty ninjas in hiding in less than thirty seconds. Ten if they all fly at her at once. Jet black hair and sublime legs, she doesn’t look a day over twenty-five. Soft cheeks and even prettier eyes; she’s every man’s wet dream. That night, though, she wasn’t in mine.
“Thanks, babe, but not tonight. I ain’t in the mood.” I told her. She raised an eyebrow at that. I’ve never really refused her before so this was new. Even for me.
“Who’s the lucky lady? Anyone I know?” She teased, brushing her fingernails lightly down my arm. It sent a shiver down my spine, but I brushed her away. She doesn’t know how to do what you do.
“No. Doubt you ever heard of them. I came here to think, Yukio, nothin’ more. Maybe if I’m looking for some exercise I’ll come see you tomorrow.” I said, my smile coming easily. Yukio’s frown deepens as she shakes her head, giving me a pitiful look. As if I’m a dog who needs pettin’.
“I know a few stretches you could try. Help you relax so you can calm those thoughts in your head. A man like you has needs, Logan-san. You shouldn’t deny them when you have a chance for release.” She said, reaching up to stroke my cheek one last time. Then just like that, a second later, she was gone. She’d vaulted over the railing and was no doubt already scaling down the side of the building.
I sighed and turned back to studying the city. Eventually, I took out a cigar, not a Cuban unfortunately, lit it and blew the smoke into the wind. Watched it carry it away across the city wondering if it’ll carry across the ocean. Manage to get to the Xavier Institute where you are, pass through an open window, and you’d smell it. A faint scent on the wind. I wonder if you’ll know it’s me who blew that smoke when you catch the scent. Try to follow it to wherever I’m at. But by then I’ll be long gone.
I stayed out on the balcony until I couldn’t smoke my cigar any longer. I ground it out on the railing, tossing it over the edge. I left the sliding glass door open to let a cool breeze in from outside, stripping down to my boxers and falling into bed. I hoped to stop thinking of you for a few hours.
I slept good for the most part. At first I thought I was dreaming because I smelled your scent. It’s always been a balm to me ever since I began to realize how I felt about you. When you started to become more to me than my teammate. Tobacco and cinnamon lingering on my tongue like a candy before melting away. When I wake up I’m thinking it’s a ghost scent lingering in my nostrils because it hasn’t gone away.
That’s when I felt something warm pressing against my arm. My instincts kicked in and I rolled away off the bed, shooting to my feet. Popped the claws with a snikt, raising them above my head. A war cry already in my throat.
Only to see you sleeping there on my bed. Yukio stood there calmly, giving me a disapproving glare, a sword at your throat. For a moment my mind went completely blank, shocked to see you here in Tokyo. You were still fully clothed, even with your boots on. You were laying on top of the sheets, your head facing the side of the bed I had been sleeping on. Clearly you must have fallen asleep as soon as you found me. Completely passed out. Helpless.
“I was going to kill him when I saw him climb through your window.” Yukio explained, nodding towards the open balcony doors. It was still dark out, but I could see the sky beginning to turn a deep navy blue rather than black. Morning was coming.
“But then once he got in he just staggered over to the bed and got in next to you. I didn’t know whether to laugh or if this was some kind of nutcase.”
I clenched my fists; my claws itching to dig into something. Seeing the blade pressed against your throat didn’t help me to check my rage. You must have been out of it to not have noticed you had a tail. Seeing the look on my face, Yukio lifted her blade from your neck and put it away. Probably thinkin’ I wanted to end your life instead of her. Or wake you up and interrogate you. The thought crossed my mind to do that; to wake you up, demand to know how you found me.
I came around to your side of the bed and leaned over to study you. First thing I noticed were the bags under your eyes. You must have been up the past couple of nights with little to no sleep. By the way you were restin’ on the bed; I bet you probably did skip on sleep while lookin’ for me. You had lost a bit of weight since I had last seen you, too. I sighed, straightening up to look at Yukio.
“He’s with me, Yukio. I know this guy.” I tell her. Yukio looked even more surprised that I’m not more outraged. Finding a man in my bed in the middle of the night would usually because enough for a bit of an outrage on my part. Instead I glared at you, but couldn’t bring myself to wake you. You could at least sleep soundly for a while before I tried to wake you up.
“Really? You never struck me for the type, Logan-san. You know how to pick a pretty one, that’s for sure.” Yukio said, admiring you sleeping on the bed. I felt a flash of jealously that she would do such a thing. It must have shown on my face because she let out a chuckle, shaking her head.
“He must have been drunk to pick you, though. Or not right in the head I think. You don’t look like his type.” Yukio said to me. I snorted, shaking my head while still keeping an eye on you. My senses told me you were still deep in sleep.
“You don’t even know the half of it.” I told her. Yukio wished me good-bye before disappearing into the dawn.
I couldn’t really think of what to do now that we’re here. A part of me was happy to see you. Glad to know you still care, but another part of me isn’t so sure. A coward in me who wanted to sneak away while your eyes were still closed. Go hide in a cave somewhere so you can never find me.
You didn’t wake until late afternoon. That entire time all you did was shift over onto your side. I managed to take your boots off and set them next to my own by the door. A habit I picked up ever since Mariko even though there’s really no need for it now. I could toss them into a corner if I wanted to, but small things like that have just stuck with me.
You didn’t wake up all at once. I could tell you were awake, but you pulled the pillow down over your head to block out the light. After about ten minutes, you let out a sigh and stretched your legs. Your feet pressed against my hip, almost pushing me off the bed. Feeling me seemed to wake you up more and you pushed the pillow away; sitting up and staring at me.
Your hair was a mess. A nest for birds to lay their eggs in. I never understood why you insisted on keeping it long, but it just compliments your looks. Can’t remember how many times I woke up nearly choking on it when you slept with your back to me and I was stupid enough press up against you. Your red-on-black eyes were bright, now fully aware I was there.
I expected you to curse at me. Maybe to demand why I left. But instead you just stared at me as if surprised to see me. As if you had thought to wake up and find me gone.
“Mon glutton?” You said in one breath. I couldn’t take it. I stood up and turn my back to you walk out to the balcony. I hadn’t heard that nickname in two weeks. You’re the only person who’s ever called me that.
“Don’t.” I growled out, refusing to look at you. Refusing to turn around because I knew I’d break.
“Don’t you dare, Remy. I told you to stay there. We’re over. Why can’t you understand that?”
I heard you get up off the bed and walk towards me. I growled when I heard you come closer. You stopped, only three feet behind me. Damn, your scent was still in my nostrils. Driving me crazy close to the edge where I don’t need to be.
“I dare, cher, because I can.” You said. I was surprised. You usually don’t talk like that.
“How did you find me?” I asked to cover up my raw wounds. The ones opening up in my heart and beginning to tear at me on the inside.
“Followed your trail, cher, not that you left much of one. Remy got lucky when he came to the airport. One of the personnel had seen your photo. Been chasing after you for three days straight non-stop to catch up with you. Could barely see straight when he finally found you here.” You said this last part with no doubt a self-satisfied grin on your face. I refused to look at you, but I could hear the expression in your voice. I know you so well I can almost finish your sentences by now.
“You didn’t sleep at all?” I asked despite myself. At this you gave a tired laugh as if I was being stupid. Which, at the moment, I probably was.
“Non, mon glutton, not one wink of sleep for de Gambit. He had a valuable quarry he had t’ chase down, did he not? Now dat he’s here t’ough an’ has you in his grasp, what d’you plan t’ do next?” You asked, sauntering up close to me. I fixed my gaze on the horizon, curling my fists.
I didn’t give you a warning. No quarter to defend yourself as I spun around, already aiming to punch you in the gut. Next to clock you in the head so you’d be knocked out cold. But you’ve always trained with me. Been my partner in battle even when I never wanted you there. You saw my punch coming a mile away and blocked it, taking a step back as I swung my other fist. It met nothing more than open air.
I came after you charging, letting out a roar of defiance as I popped the claws. You continued to give ground until you were in the middle of the room. Right then, you stood stalk still, watching me come at you unflinchingly. I swung my left fist up, claws whistling through the air. Still you did nothing. They came closer, I was going slow to give you time to strike back. To send me flying over the edge of the balcony, plummeting twenty stories below.
Instead you stepped into the punch, reached up and caught my fist. Each finger delicately placed between the claws. I push, but I don’t put much strength into it. With you in front of me, I never really throw my full strength into those punches. You’re tough as nails, just like I am, but I spoil you in that way. You know I hold back, but you’ve never called me out on it. Just went along with it, knowing you were still learning despite me going easy on you.
You leaned forward and kissed me under the chin. Just like our first one, the one you stole for me. At that I cursed, withdrew my claws and yanked my fist out of your hand. Took a step back as you continued to stand there studying me. It was my one weakness with you. Something only you know. That kiss under the chin always melts me. I can be pissed as hell at you and all you have to do is give me that kiss. And all the anger will fade away, leaving me glaring at you and knowing I can’t do shit about it.
“What?” You said, pretending to sound innocent when you ain’t. I could practically see your inner self cackling at how easily you have control over me.
“You fought dirty, Rims.”
“Non, Remy fought fair!”
“You cheated.”
“How did he cheat?”
“Kissing in the middle of a fistfight?!”
“Well, cher, when the snikt sounds all bets are off.”
You said this smugly, smirking at me and knowing you had won. I cursed, going to turn away from you to grab my stuff. Intending to leave whether you liked it or not.
You grabbed my arm and it was like a vice. Even though I could easily yank away from your grasp, I didn’t. But I still refused to look at you even as you took a step closer. Your voice grew softer as you talked to me.
“Logan, please, don’t leave.” I gritted my teeth, trying to resist. To hold back.
“You can at least face me like man, Logan!” You yelled this. One of the few times in a while you’ve been angry at me. Angry enough to vent your frustration at me when I’m the cause of it. I sighed, turning to face you.
“What do you want me to say, Rims? Want me to say I’m sorry? Look, I can’t stand it anymore. Just because I left doesn’t mean-“
“Remy quit too. Or, well, was retired early.” You said as an afterthought. I blinked, confused now as you said this.
“What? You liked working for the X-Men, Rims! Why would you quit? You bring a lot to the team.” Now you had my full attention. You let go of my arm as I turned to fully face you as I spoke.
“Dis was long befo’e Remy even knew ya meant t’ quit, cher. It was buggin’ him, what Scott was doin’. It was as if… He lost sight of the true purpose of the X-Men. Besides, he never liked de Gambit anyway. Even less so when he was wit’ you.” You told me with raised eyebrows. You were telling the truth. Scott had always been harder on you than he really should have been. I knew it wasn’t your fault all those mutants died. You were tricked and ever since have been trying to redeem yourself. I’ve come close to driving my claws through Scott’s thick skull more than a couple of times for the ways he treated you. If you ask me, you’ve more than redeemed yourself for what happened. Not like me, a man who can never be saved.
“So, what? After I left you just decided to show yourself out the door?” You shrugged your shoulders like it’s nothing.
“Not at first, no. Spent de first couple of days just trainin’ in de Danger Room, tryin’ t’ work out my anger. Figure out where it all went wrong. Den Remy made up his mind and told Scott he was leaving. Hank didn’t want yo’ Cajun t’ leave, and neither did Nightcrawler. Storm took it harder than de others, but wished him luck.” You explained this to me all so calmly. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. After a minute, I shook my head.
“Rims, let me show you something first. There’s a different reason why I came here.” I told you. You raised an eyebrow at this, but nodded your head all the same. Trusting me like you always had. Letting me take the lead when I know you could do so much better.
“Then maybe you’ll think twice about staying with me.” I said. You said nothing as I shrugged on my jacket, laced up my boots, and pretty soon we were on the curb. I was surprised when you talked to one of those street punks you see out on the street with the crazy hair colors. He walked around the corner and returned a minute later, wheeling a bike. I frowned and glared at you. You were smiling like there would be no tomorrow.
“Really?”
“What? You don’t want t’ ride wit’ Remy?”
Thankfully I acquired my own bike when I came to Tokyo. We rode out together, managing to avoid most of the traffic. We had the roads to ourselves and we sped down a highway together, me in the lead. You follow not too far behind me. A couple of times you speed up to ride alongside me, not saying anything. We stayed like that for a few minutes, not saying anything but rather letting the roar of our bikes say it all. Then you dropped back behind me loyally following me even though I didn’t deserve it.
About an hour out of the city, I pulled up alongside a graveyard. It’s empty, of living people anyway, the gates reaching up to the bright blue sky. I parked and got off my bike, you coming to a stop only a few seconds behind me. You said nothing as I went into the graveyard towards a headstone. I already knew where it was, have known for a long time. I come here when I can. I knew you were curious, but you said nothing. Asked no questions of me, knowing without me saying anything it was important. I was showing you a piece of me no one else knew about. A weakness I at times can’t even admit to myself.
It didn’t take long before we could see it. A tall obsidian stone set apart from the others. I took a deep breath and walked towards it, my heart pounding. You followed me, a hush falling over the world as we approached. As if she knew I’d brought a visitor. As if she too had been waiting for this moment.
Mariko.
Mariko was my wife once. A woman whom I loved with all my heart and soul. Gave everything to before she was killed. Because she had fallen in love with me. For daring to know a man who was more beast than anything. Gave in to his animal side far too many times to count to kill other men. Some of those men with wives of their own. Children at home who no longer had their fathers.
I pushed the thoughts out of my head as I stopped in front of her grave. I bowed my head for a moment, not sure if I meant to pray or not. You stepped up beside me. Closed your eyes and bowed your head as well. I saw your lips move before you raised your eyes. They were immediately drawn to a picture behind glass set in the black stone.
I reached up and brushed my fingers over the picture. Felt the tears burn at the corners of my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. I saw you watching me, your eyes turning to stare again at the picture. Studying it as I began to talk.
“This is Mariko. She was my wife.” I said. I took a breath in order to say more. You said nothing just standing there waiting for me to continue.
“I loved her. Loved her more than life itself. When I was with her I questioned how I had become so lucky. What had I done to deserve such happiness.” You nodded, knowing how painful it was for me to say those words. I could see it in your eyes.
“What happened?” The only question you dared ask in a hushed whisper. I took a shuddering breath as I looked you in the eyes as I said the last part.
“She was killed because of me. One of my enemies came after her, killed her and our unborn child. I was too late.” I said quietly. Understanding dawned over your face as you glanced at the picture once again. Then you focused back on me as I looked at Mariko once again.
“Rims, whenever it became too much for me I would think of her. Of our time together. I’ve gone over again and again in my mind why it had to end in blood. Thinking maybe I should have stopped it before it ever began. But, everytime, when I lost myself I would come to her. Find the man I once was. The one that made her smile.”
I closed my eyes for the last part. I didn’t want to see the disgust on your face when I uttered it.
“Now, though, since being with you… I think of you when I lose myself. When I need to come back from the brink. You’ve made me the happiest I’ve been since Mariko.” The words hurt when they came out, but only for a second. A warm feeling of peace descended over me as I admitted it.
When I opened my eyes again, there was no look of disgust. Instead there was a look of sadness on your face. At first I wondered if it was because of what I said. If you felt sorry for me now that you knew the truth. Instead, you reached up and caressed my cheek, leaning forward. Your thumb brushed lightly over the stubble I still needed to shave. Pressing your forehead against mine as you talked so I couldn’t look away this time.
“Thank you, Logan.” That’s all you said. Then you pulled away, dropping your hand from my cheek. It felt cold now that your hand was no longer there. You turned towards the gravestone and bow to it. I was surprised, wondering what you were up to.
“Mariko, Remy never had de pleasure of meetin’ you in life. He knows, though, you were a good person. Someone who died before deir time. You brought a rare light to dis world few can accomplish and for dat he thanks you. But now he asks somethin’ of you.” You reached up and gently touched the picture as if she was really there. As if you were truly speaking to the woman I once loved. Perhaps you were. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was listening to you from wherever it is she moved on to.
“With your blessin’, cher, let me love dis man whom you once called yo’ husband. He’s a good man, Logan is, even if he can be frustratin’, bullheaded, and drink enough to knock out a full grown elephant at times. Allow me t’ spoil him, watch him smile, make him laugh, but most of all, let me make him happy.”
At that moment, a strong wind picked up. It made your hair whip away from your face as you stepped back from grave. That’s when we both saw them. Cherry blossoms coming down from the trees to fall around us like snow. They landed on your hair, your shoulders, and they got all over me. There was a look of complete surprise on your face and mine as well.
All the trees had closed blooms. There were no cherry blossom petals to come off of them.
You turned to me then, the blossoms still falling around us. I didn’t wait. I started to grin like a fool even as I reached out and drew you closer. I kissed you.
I kissed you deep. Drank you in as if you’re life itself. A warm essence I can never get enough of, can’t live on without. Afterwards we both pulled back and stared at each other. I glanced again at the picture and I swear the smile in the picture had grown just a touch bigger. As if she heard what Remy said. As if she too was glad to see me happy.
We lingered a while longer at the grave. Gathered up a few of the cherry blossoms and put them on the grave before we left. As we did, I glanced at you, the red eyed man by my side. Cherry blossoms still in your hair. You hadn’t noticed yet. I didn’t bother to tell you about it.
“Hey Rims, wanna grab a cold one?” I asked you. You lauged, shoving me lightly with you’re shoulder as we headed towards our bikes.
“Only if you start a barfight, mon glutton.”
“You know I’m good for it. Oh, and Rims?”
“Yes, Logan?”
“I love you.”