a sinking feeling
Last night we had people over to relax after a week of hell, also known as midterms and ourhouseisfallingapart. Eventually I went to lay down and drink a cup of tea because I felt too tired and overwhelmed. I put on a mix cd and half way through it I fell asleep. About half an hour later I woke up and could not get back to sleep. It felt like a fever. So I left my room and a my housemates best friend hit on me and some how I made her feel bad about it and she kept apologizing even though I told her I was just bashful. And so I went upstairs and Sofia played this really creepy video and I felt really shaky and went back downstairs because I just wanted to be alone, but really the people I wanted to be around weren't around or even in this town. Sometimes it is really hard to be alone and not be called a bad friend and not be called a bitch.
So I sat on my bed and the only word I could think to describe how I felt was overwhelmed and I couldn't think of a solution for anything because I didn't really understand how I was feeling to begin with. And I thought about negative capability and grace under pressure and how I get really upset when my friend says I have no social graces even though I think social graces are a hip-high stone wall. But Hemingway killed himself, anyway.
I thought about how tonight was going to be filled with a lot of questioning or it wasn't, and either way it would be the same result.
So I sat on my bed and the only word I could think to describe how I felt was overwhelmed and I couldn't think of a solution for anything because I didn't really understand how I was feeling to begin with. And I thought about negative capability and grace under pressure and how I get really upset when my friend says I have no social graces even though I think social graces are a hip-high stone wall. But Hemingway killed himself, anyway.
I thought about how tonight was going to be filled with a lot of questioning or it wasn't, and either way it would be the same result.